26 Friday Aug 2011
Tags
...you never go back, Bitch better have my money, good thing, Martha Stewart, Snoop Dogg, unlikely pairings
For one thing, she never went back.
This Little Scene Of Domestic Bliss Is Called "Bitch Better Have My Pudding."
26 Friday Aug 2011
Tags
comical despots, Condoleezza Rice, Libya, Muammar al-Gaddafi, sand despot, Secretary of State, stalker's Bible, three-humped camel, TMI, Tripoli, United States of America, unrequited affection, you got a real purty mouth
All This And A Really Bitchin' Tent. Who Wouldn't Want To Hit It With The Colonel?
For the second time in months, the public has been treated to a TMI-moment courtesy of a sun-addled madman. First there was the protein-drenched horror of Osama bin Laden’s Pakistani whack-shack, which forced a disgusted audience to envision the leader of the Evil Ones waging his own single-handed jihad upon the one-eyed infidel. Now, the chaotic events in Libya have elevated the carnal cravings of another evil bastard into public view. It seems that deranged sand-despot Muammar al-Gaddafi has a crush on a certain American gal.
Gaddafi Unsuccessfully Attempts To Lure Rice Into The Desert To Perform The Ancient Ritual Of The Three-Humped Camel.
Fleeing his compound ahead of blood-crazed rebels, Gaddafi was forced to abandon several objects of deep personal significance. Among these was a stalker’s Bible in the form of a scrapbook filled with pictures of Stanford professor Condoleezza Rice, whom Gaddafi once called “my darling black African woman.” The former US Secretary of State, who is very much available, declined to comment.
We're Not Sure Why The Tough, NFL-Loving Former Secretary Of State Is Unmarried At 56. Perhaps She Just Hasn't Met The Right Oil Despot Yet.
25 Thursday Aug 2011
Tags
Could you be an asshole?, douchebaggery, gratitude, ingratitude, Jimmy Fallon, Nick Burns, you're welcome
If you’ve ever said to someone “You’re welcome” without first being thanked, you’re most likely an asshole.
But We Thought That Simply Not Kicking You In The Nuts Was Thanks Enough.
24 Wednesday Aug 2011
Tags
California, childish sexual innuendo, even Jesus thinks Fred Phelps sucks, fisting, Frisco, fun with stereotypes, gay meccas, gay people, gay rankings, homosexuality, leather daddies, Minneapolis, Oakland, Pittsburgh, San Francisco, San Francisco Giants, Smaktakula's hatred of the San Francisco Giants, St. Louis, the Advocate, they love to hear it called Frisco
It's Sometimes Difficult To Take Bad News With Good Grace.
Who’s taken all the gay from the Bay? The question has haunted the fog-shrouded streets of San Francisco since last January’s gay audit, in which the flamboyant city suffered a humiliating downgrade.
Honey, Please--Don't You Read The Papers? We've Got Real Problems.
In a nationwide survey, gay-themed magazine, the Advocate, tested the gayness quotient of several American cities. San Francisco, or ‘Frisco’ as locals lovingly call it, came in a disappointing 11th, behind such gay meccas as St. Louis, Pittsburgh and America’s #1 gay city, Minneapolis.
SF's Got Its Panties All Up In A Bunch. That's No Easy Feat With Studded Leather.
This unhappy news struck San Francisco’s hometown homos like an unlubricated fist, leaving many with feelings of betrayed resentment. Activists are quick to point out that without San Francisco’s brave example in the 1960s and 1970s, gay people might not find the top ten cities quite so hospitable today. This view fails to take into account that the public has the memory span of a syphilitic goldfish.
It's Not The First Place We'd Look To Find Gay People.
Controversy aside, the study has provided data which shatter preconceived notions about gay life. The fact that cities like Cleveland, Pittsburgh and Oakland are among the top fifteen cities in the nation that homosexuals call home effectively puts an end to the degrading stereotype that gay people only live in nice places.
Relax. No Matter What Happens To The City, You'll Always Be The World's Gayest Baseball Team.
23 Tuesday Aug 2011
Posted in Culture
Tags
carelessness, conflagration, death by automobile, death by truck, distracted drivers, foolish choices, tanker trucks, unfortunate ways to die
A jarringly useless and embarrassing way to die is in a fiery conflagration set in motion when you become mesmerized by your own car’s image in the highly-reflective back of a particularly shiny tanker truck.
When The Tiny Car In This Picture Grows Abruptly Large, It's Past Time To Apply The Brakes.
22 Monday Aug 2011
Posted in Culture
Tags
advertising, Canada, Christianity, coffee, coffee culture, Columbia, culture, Guatemala, It City, Ivory Coast, King County, Lewis County, Mexico, Pierce County, places that suck, poseur, Seattle, Seattle's Best Coffee, Smaktakula's vendetta against Lewis County, Snohomish County, Starbucks, T-Town Forever, Thurston County, Uganda, United States of America, urine, Vietnam, Washington, you suck so bad Lewis County so so bad
But Not As Much As Seattle ♥s Itself.
No American city is more closely associated with coffee and coffee culture than is snobbish Seattle, Washington. From the Emerald City’s brief turn as America’s self-obsessed ‘It City’ in the 1990s, certain aspects of the Seattle phenomenon persist into modern times. Of these, perhaps none is so undeserved as Seattle’s reputation as a coffee Mecca. The practically-Canadian city is thousands of miles from the nearest coffee crop.
Much Like, Say, Christianity Or South-East Asia, Coffee Has A Distinctive, Important Culture.
This delusion manifests itself in the cancer-like proliferation of Starbucks, and in the tellingly-named Seattle’s Best Coffee. The city has seized upon an advertising vacuum created by the marketing unsuitability of actual coffee-producing countries. After all, most Americans aren’t aware that Uganda, Ivory Coast or Guatemala even exit. Vietnam is out, having achieved the rare distinction of beating the US in a war. Likewise, the slogan “Columbia’s Best,” would undoubtedly infringe upon trademarks already owned jointly by various cocaine cartels. And of course, advertising Mexican-grown coffee is a non-starter, largely because Americans are already up to their eyeballs in unscheduled Mexican imports.
Ewwww. You're Gonna Wash Those First, Right?
For Reals: Promethean Times ♥s Seattle
18 Thursday Aug 2011
Tags
actors, Americans, childish sexual innuendo, choking the chicken, cock, creepy old perverts, douchebaggery, Emil Haagerdäddi, Frenchman, Gèrard Depardieu, golden showers, has-beens, Paris, Paris is a sewer, places that suck, public urination, Robert "Sandy" Vietze, Smaktakula's decades-old vendetta against the French, the French, United States of America, urination, World's Rudest People, your mother must be very proud
Smooth Move, Ex-Lax. Your Mère Must Be Very Proud.
Bloated French nonentity Gèrard Depardieu attempted to make a splash Tuesday morning in what appears to be a copycat urination attack. The sweaty Euro-pérvert, inexplicably famous for something somewhere, apparently mistook an airplane aisle for a Paris sidewalk, and began to urinate indiscriminately.
Depardieu, Who Often Displays His Cock In Public, Is Seen Here Choking His Chicken.
Depardieu’s boorish behavior marks the second airplane-related act of urination in the past several days. It has been speculated that the blobbish thespian, who has repeatedly expressed fears that the French are ceding their status as World’s Rudest People to America, was trying to one-up US pissing sensation Robert “Sandy” Vietze.
When You Look At Depardieu's Previous indiscretions, This One Seems Tiny And Insignificant.
If so, this was a mistake says Dr. Emil Haagerdäddi, director of the Harvard Urine Fellowship. “As with so many things,” Haagerdäddi says, “America did it first and did it better,” explaining that the portly Frenchman couldn’t hope to execute a difficult public urination with the same grace as Vietze, who is both much younger and a trained athlete.
We Hope That In The Future, Depardieu Will Avail Himself Of A More Proper Toilet.
12 Friday Aug 2011
Tags
Bert, Bert & Ernie, bestiality, Children's Television Workshop, closeted entertainers, Ernie, gay people, guppets, homosexuality, Kermit, Miss Piggy, muppets
The Love Between Two Inanimate Objects Can Be As Powerful As Any Other Love.
Longtime roommates Bert & Ernie may have to answer some uncomfortable questions about their relationship. Although speculation regarding the nature of the Muppets’ relationship has been rife since their debut in 1969, both Bert and Ernie have remained silent amount the matter, saying that theirs is a children’s show, and that while they staunchly support an individual’s right to his or her own sexuality, the pair considers the issue inappropriate for Sesame Street.
This Only Adds Support To Smaktakula's Belief That Sharing Is Totally Gay.
That’s not good enough, says Lair Scott, a homosexual activist with too little in his life to keep him busy. Life is tough for gay people, Scott asserts, particularly for the young. However, Scott believes that if Bert and Ernie were to proudly queer the air, all that would change overnight. He’s started a petition demanding that Children’s Television Workshop out the long-time friends.
He's Deluded If He Thinks The Coming Out Of A TV Puppet Will Spare Him An Adolescence Replete With Beatings.
Whatever choice the closeted duo ultimately makes will be the right one. CTW has nothing to prove, and doesn’t need to force these characters to come out to demonstrate to the world their tolerance. The publicly-funded organization has repeatedly demonstrated its belief that love has no color or shape, and that if you get him drunk enough, a frog will fuck a pig.
You've Heard The Old Saying: Once You Try Swine, Nothing's Ever So Fine.
09 Tuesday Aug 2011
Tags
2011, Adolf Hitler, Battle of Britain, Brixton, Canada, don't hate us because we're ignorant, Islington, London, London riots, London's Burning, Mark Duggan, NBA, NHL, places that suck, the Blitz, the Clash, Tottenham, UK, United Kingdom, United States of America, WWII
The London Blitz Is A Hard Act To Follow.
Lacking an NHL or NBA Championship, kids in the UK aren’t afforded regular rioting opportunities like their American and Canadian counterparts. In many parts of London, the window panes of Starbucks and T-Mobile outlets last for years, often for the life of the business. So when Mark Duggan was shot dead by the police in Tottenham, local youth wasted no time in springing to action.
In America, Riots Are The Purview Of A Bored Middle Class.
Within days the party fever had spread to kids in Brixton, Islington and several other of London’s shitty backalleys. The can-do kids of today’s UK have outdone previous generations of rioters, having set more of London ablaze than anyone since Adolf Hitler.
Although the crisis is only a few days old, some less scrupulous musicians are trying to make a name for themselves by capitalizing on the tragedy. Observe:
08 Monday Aug 2011
Tags
1972, anti-Kraut, anti-semitism, Belgium, dead German tourists, Final Solution, Florida, for reals we love the Germans, Germany, Germany's dark history, God, God hates the Germans, Holocaust, Jews, Krauts, Miami, Munich Olympics, the Almighty, United States of America
It's As If Suddenly God's Favor And Goodwill Went Up In A Cloud Of Smoke.
Back in the early 1990s, it seemed like German tourists in America couldn’t catch a break. It’s hard to forget the spate of Miami slayings that had America’s German community on edge, and which prompted this publication to propose as a final solution to the crisis the immediate round-up of German nationals so that they could be sequestered for their own protection, and thereby gain a sort of freedom from their troubles through work. Promethean Times’ calls went unheeded, and eventually the killings died down on their own.
It Can't Have Helped That God Was Watching The 1972 Olympics.
Although a hiatus in the killings was a relief to the governments of both the United States and Germany, the détente apparently proved a provocation for God Almighty. It seems that Jehovah has recently chosen to singlehandedly renew the anti-Kraut campaign, smiting a German tourist with a bolt of lightning.
German Prices May Be Behind The Almighty's Wrath. According To One Witness, God Said Something About Germany Being "Hella Costy."
German advocacy groups were joined by religious leaders in expressing surprise and dismay at God’s decision to escalate hostilities. It remains unclear just what the German people could have done that was so heinous as to earn the righteous and implacable enmity of the Lord of Lords.
…
Really? You think He’s still mad about that?
Look, You Know He Has A Thing For Them.
Promethean Times 