An Amtrak Murder Mystery!

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By Smaktakula

In rural Wayne County, Georgia, no one expected to find a corpse lying alongside the train tracks.  The body, belonging to a middle-aged white woman, had a broken neck, as well as other injuries.

The New Amtrak Promises Heart-Pounding Excitement. The Decrepit Spinster Who Babbles Incessantly About Her 12 Cats Named 'Muffin' May Just Be A Murderess!

The victim was Barbara Arteta, an Amtrak passenger destined for Sanford, Florida.  Arteta had been reported missing earlier by her husband when she failed to appear at the Sanford station.  Authorities are unable to determine if Arteta was pushed or if she jumped, but since she was not in possession of the $1,000 in cash her family told investigators she was carrying, authorities are calling the death ‘suspicious.’

The situation is not unlike an Agatha Christie murder mystery, with the exception that whereas Christie’s murders were almost always executed with panache and cunning, the real-life slaying is a ham-fisted act of grotesque brutality.  Also, rather than genteel Englishpersons and their silent, darting servants, the motley cast of characters involved in Arteta’s drama are most likely reminiscent of escapees from a Depression-Era freak show.

Any One Of Them Could Have Done It: The Train Passengers Pose With Barbara Arteta's Grieving Husband.

Authorities are questioning the other passengers, but they are not optimistic that a clear answer will reveal itself any time soon.  Until the police unearth some firm leads, Barbara Arteta’s final moments will remain a mystery.

Meanwhile, Greyhound’s corporate officers are said to be delighted that Amtrak’s murder woes have helped the travelling public forget that not only does the craziness found on a single cross-country bus make New York’s Bellevue Hospital seem like a nursing home quilting bee by comparison, but that buses are basically Honeybuckets on wheels.

Don't Make The Same Mistake Babs Did: Keep At Least One Nice Photo Around The House So That If You Are Murdered Or Disappear Mysteriously, You Won't Be Posthumously Humiliated By Your Televised Image.

Promethean Times‘ irresponsible and unfounded determination of the guilty party:  It was the husband.  It’s always the husband.

Drug Lord Comes To Regret Ridiculous Nickname

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By Smaktakula

American-born criminal Edgar Valdez Villarreal rose quickly through the ranks of the Mexican underworld to become a lieutenant for one of the cartels.  When cartel head Arturo Beltrán Leyva was slaughtered by Navy commandos in December of 2009, the resourceful young thug waged a bloody war against various other cartel factions in an effort to seize control of the operation.  His bid came to an end in August of 2010 when he was captured by Mexican authorities.       

Now the reputed criminal is seeking extradition to his native United States, fearing for his safety in Mexico.  This is no doubt warranted.  Mexican jails are infamous for their deplorable conditions and the innumerable degradations inmates must endure.  How much worse must it be for a pretty boy called La Barbie?       

"El Coyote Negro? El Chupacabra? Menudo Caliente? Man, I Really Should Have Put More Thought Into My Nickname."

Come On Barbie, Let’s Go Party!

Boy, Is My Face Red!

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By Smaktakula

Basket case Bethany Storro came to the public’s attention last week when she claimed to be the victim of a shocking assault.  The 28-year old Vancouver, Wa. resident said that a mysterious assailant threw acid in her face.   

Authorities initially believed Storro, since she did not claim her assailant was the “mysterious black man” of so many fake assaults.  She threw a curveball to police when she suggested that her attacker was a mysterious black woman!   

Despite Her Injuries, Storro Attempts To Lead A Normal Life.

Storro’s clever, race-baiting mendacity notwithstanding, the police eventually grew suspicious.  After repeated questioning, the woman admitted that she had doused acid on her own face, necessitating surgery.   

A police representative said that all things considered, Storro was actually very fortunate.  “For Bethany to have survived for twenty-eight years now is really something special, especially given what a complete and utter moron she is. ”  

Splashing Yourself In The Face With Acid As A Ploy For Attention May Seem Like A Good Idea, But In Many Instances It Is Not.

Could You Be An Asshole?: Driving

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By Smaktakula

Think you might be an asshole, but want to know for sure?  Let’s find out!

Respond to the following statement with I AGREE or I DISAGREE:

When driving my car in the left lane of a freeway, I believe that the drivers in the line of cars to my rear are happy to travel at the same speed as me.

PULL . . . THE FUCK . . . OVER!

If you answered I AGREE, then you are an asshole!  Congratulations, we guess.

Please refer to Promethean Times’ Courtesy Tips #1 and #2 before attempting the test again.

Sadly, those who answered I DISAGREE aren’t necessarily off the hook.  There are many, many ways to be an asshole, and this is but one of them.

Anti-Piracy Warnings On DVDs

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By Smaktakula

The only people forced to sit through DVD anti-piracy warnings are folks who legally purchased the product in the first place.  Individuals who still own VCRs may be forever living in 1987, but at least they can fast forward through this dreck.

As Useless As The Human Appendix.

Headlines 09.14.10

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By Smaktakula

In which we can’t be bothered to read the articles, but are quite happy to comment on the headlines.

Because Promethean Times Is Above All Else Topical.

Time  Iraq: What Will The Remaining 50,000 U.S. Troops Do?

  • We dunno; try not to die?

New York Times  Moose Offer A Trail Of Clues On Arthritis

Seattle Times  Islamic Center Debate Stupefies Muslim World

  • Unaccustomed as it is to debate.  Also to women drivers and BLTs.

MSNBC  Somalia rebels looking like Taliban – World news – Africa – msnbc.com.

  • Pretty much any form of government is an improvement in that anarchic hellhole.

ABC  Deadly Attacks Across Iraq After US Troop Numbers Drop Below 50K

  • But didn’t we win?

Chicago Tribune  Can Your Pet Read Your Mind?

  • What?  Are you a child?  No!

USA Today  Bud Selig Attends Ceremony For Bud Selig Statue

LA Times  Whitman targets Bay Area voters with ad attacking Brown

  • Whitman wastes her fucking money.

LA Times  Plastic bag ban is a job killer

  • Yeah, but it makes us feel like we’re doing something for the environment without expending any effort.

NY Times  Afghans Pull Money From Weakened Bank

  • Wait–Afghanistan has a bank?

San Francisco Chronicle  Killing spree suspect’s downhill slide

  • Trajectory of the slide: He killed a guy, and it was all downhill from there.

Reuters  Obama says his economic policies halted “bleeding”

  • Leeches will achieve the same end.

BBC News  Six dead after US breakfast killing spree in Kentucky

  • The sausage patty tried to calm things down, but the scrambled eggs was tweaking on some bad ice he’d scored the night before.  Scrambly was jumpy; he was constantly fiddling with his gun while shouting lines from ‘The Wedding Planner’ at the top of his voice.  It was only a matter of time before things turned bloody.

New York Times  Long Dormant, German Pride Blinks and Stirs

  • United Kingdom braces for massive influx of French refugees.

NKOTB Not Only Still Alive, But Cruising

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By Smaktakula

Two decades ago America’s arenas were jammed with pubescent girls screaming for the manufactured teenybop that only New Kids on the Block could offer.  The screaming has long since died away, and many of those young fans now have children of their own.  And perhaps when her own daughter rhapsodically details the myriad virtues of the hairless hit factory Justin Bieber, now and then one of those former fans will spare a moment to think of those long-ago idols, wondering whatever became of those five boys from Boston.       

NKOTB Has Retooled Its Sound For Generation MILF.

After recasting themselves as NKOTB in 1993, the boys attempted a comeback.  NKOTB’s song Keep on Smilin’ appeared on the soundtrack to the killer whale opus, Free Willy, which the boys hoped would revive their flagging fan base.  Sadly, much like the film’s titular orca, it appeared the New Kids’ career was destined for the business end of a Japanese harpoon, ultimately to be devoured alongside some salaryman’s ramen.*                 

But like the legendary phoenix, which seemingly perished only to rise again from its own ashes, it’s hard to keep a possibly lucrative nostalgia act down  That’s right–please don’t go, girl–because NKOTB is back and better than ever!
  • Joey!
  • Donnie! 
  • The Other Three! 

Hangin' Tough On The High Seas: Not Only Will The Boys From Boston Perform, They'll Also Clean Your Cabin And Press Your Pants.

For those fans seeking the ultimate NKOTB experience, we recommend joining the lads on an intimate four-day Caribbean Cruise.  This opportunity is a godsend for those women on the verge of middle age who always wanted to score with a New Kid, but thought the opportunity forever beyond their reach.  Remember ladies, with their multi-platinum heyday two decades gone, they’re not nearly as picky these days. 

#14? Mr. McIntyre Will See You Now.

 * Since we have no plans to see ever Free Willy or even to read a plot synopsis, we have depicted the film as ending the way we would want it to.

Movies With Misleading Titles: A Beautiful Mind

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By Smaktakula

John Nash endures a very serious mental condition which prevents him from living a life most people would consider normal; there’s nothing beautiful about paranoid schizophrenia.  That it is both tragic and debilitating only deepens the poignancy of Nash’s intellectual achievements.  

You should rightly be ashamed for mocking mental illness.  We hope you’re proud of yourself.  

"Game Theory Has Been Usurped By Freemasons And Zionists!"

This Day In History: September 10, 2001 CE (II)

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On which the nefarious Saddam Hussein succeeds in destroying the Twin Towers.

"Okay, We've Got Flight Schedules, We've Got Box Cutters--We Just Need Nineteen Patsies. Guys, I'm Telling You--This Is Just Crazy Enough To Work!"

"AHAHAHAHAHA! Don't Forget To Ditch The WMDs! AHAHAHAHAHA!"

Confused?  Fox News will give you the scoop!

This Day In History: September 10, 2001 CE

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On which Dougie McGinnis has high expectations for tomorrow’s grand opening of the Omaha Middle Eastern restaurant into which he has invested his entire life savings and mortgaged his home,  Allahu Akbar: An Eatery For Infidels.

The Future's So Bright, Dougie's Gotta Wear Shades.

What’s an Osama?