Tag Archives: dope

Headlines 05.18.12

18 Friday May 2012

Posted by in Culture, Entertainment

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By Smaktakula

Despite The Severity Of The Accident, Nobody Felt A Thing.

In which we respond to the headlines without reading the articles. Reading is for the weak.

Why This Isn’t ‘The Most Important Election’ ~ Because they can’t ALL be, right?

Cool or creepy? It kisses back ~ Depends on what ‘It’ is.

Secret Service Reportedly Bragged About Obama In Brothel ~ So you’re just gonna take the hooker’s word for it?

Packers aide whose son died gets Miami job ~ So the story has a happy ending after all.

Drink a couple of beers & you might ace a test ~ Not a field sobriety test, though. Be warned.

In Fact, Not Every Time Is Miller Time.

7 ways to fix weird odors ~ 1) Bathe. 2) Bathe again. 3) Cologne. 4) Bathe. 5) Bathe. 6) 1 hour of intensive burlap dermabrasion therapy. 7) Bathe.

Popular Antibiotic May Raise Risk of Sudden Death ~Wait! They’re taking cardio-arrhythmocin off the market?

First-time porno viewer sees his wife in film ~ Yeah, ‘first time.’

Actress ‘can’t look away’ from boob jobs ~ We’re the same way.

They Have Their Own Gravitational Field; Light Itself Is Bent To Their Evil Desires.

Beaten for being born a girl? ~ Pussy can make men do crazy things.

23 Zoo Animals That Will Eat Your Children ~ 23 fun new ways to relieve yourself of an unwanted burden.

Iranian president: Israel ‘nothing more than a mosquito’ to Iran ~ No fair! We get in a whole mess of trouble when we call Jews ‘bloodsuckers.’

Can You Call a 9-Year-Old a Psychopath? ~ Pfft. We’ve called 9 year-olds a whole lot worse.

Why Wrigley Field Must Be Destroyed ~ Well, for one thing, if occupied at the time of destruction, it would go a long way toward solving America’s obesity epidemic.

Unlike The Previous Pic, Those Babies Are Real.

World record holder for ‘longest time to live with a bullet in the head’ dies ~ Pauly Shore–are you reading this? We may have just discovered your way back into the public eye!

Group argues weed is safer than booze ~ Unfortunately, they were arguing with a group of drunks, who promptly assaulted them. There were tearful apologies the next morning of course, but that doesn’t change the fact that Skeeter got a bottle shoved in his eye.

Because How Often Does A Stoner Throw A Punch?

Study: Heavy teens have trouble managing diabetes ~ Whereas physically fit teens have trouble contracting the malady.

2 teen girls who fell asleep while sunbathing on Pa. road are struck by car … ~ We can’t help but see this as a big win for the gene pool.

What’s the reason for Dodgers’ early surge? ~ Awesomeness, mostly. Pure awesomeness.

Women with PMS are better at seeing snakes ~ And that, folks, is absolutely the most positive spin they’re able to put on it.

Do Yourself A Favor: Stay Away.

‘Marrying down’ now is trending among women ~ Like that’s new. Hello? Smaktakula’s married!

Teen texts cops: ‘I hid the body … now what?’ ~ Now you cut off the fingertips and smash the teeth, making future identification of your victim more difficult for the authorities. Next, cover the body in lime to aid in decomposition. Lastly, as tempting as it may be to make a tearful, drunken confession to a close friend who will then inevitably turn you into the authorities, you’re best served by keeping your mouth shut. You’ll do it, though. You’ll talk.

Obama falls to Earth as just a politician ~ It happened a while ago, actually. The press is just now picking up on it.

How much can you trust a diagnosis from Dr. Google? ~ Seriously? Change your name, Creepo, and stay away from gynaecology altogether.

“Hey, Sweets…Maybe You Want To *heh heh* Have A Few Drinks *heh* Before You Come In.”

Helpful Hints For Everyday Life: The Potluck

14 Monday May 2012

Posted by in Movies, Promethean Times

≈ 9 Comments

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By Smaktakula

Don’t We Want A Better World For Our Children Than This?

If you’re like most normals, you’ll do just about anything to avoid a potluck. This bizarre tradition of foisting one’s leftovers on the rest of the community refuses to die, and like a recurrent and pernicious staph infection, potlucks manifest in churches, classrooms and work-place cafeterias, kept alive by joyless prigs who hate to see people actually enjoying their food.

At Promethean Times, we don’t like potlucks any more than you do, and avoid them whenever possible. But in those rare instances when we’re unable to beg off such engagements, we find that by employing the Promethean Times Potluck Method,™ an unpleasant time is made ever-so-slightly more bearable. For those masochistic few who enjoy potlucks, why not stop reading now, and instead check out that Murder She Wrote marathon on the Hallmark Channel?

“So Who’s Behind The Potluck Phenomenon? Could It Be…Oh, I Don’t Know, Maybe…SATAN?!?”

First of all–don’t cook! Unless you’re able to cook something of extremely limited appeal but which you enjoy (see below), you’re better off buying something from the supermarket and then putting it on a paper plate. Expending more than a minimum effort defeats the purpose of the Promethean Times Potluck Method.™

To determine which foodstuffs to bring to the potluck, try to identify an edible which you enjoy, but which is not preferred or (better) actively disliked by the other potential potluck attendees.  Smaktakula prefers to bring kalamata olives.

Smaktakula Prefers Them With The Pits. You’re In For A Treat.

Thanks to your wise food choice, you’ll be able to eat any of the dishes provided by more conscientious attendees, all the while urging others to “Try my home-cured olives–I think they’re pretty good for my first try. The brine almost seems to dance across your taste buds. Saltylicious!” If you’ve chosen correctly, they’ll have nothing to do with your food, and you’ll have plenty of leftovers to bring home.

More sensitive types may worry that their actions will be noticed. This is inevitable. As the person who brings pickled pigs’ feet to the party time after time, you’re going to attract attention. However, your craftiness will appear as nothing more than eccentricity when juxtaposed with those few folks who, inevitably, bring nothing. You’ve always got a leg up on those cheap fuckers.

Sure–We’ll Make Exceptions.

Tardsie’s True-Ass Tales: Ramon’s Wedding

11 Friday May 2012

Posted by in Culture

≈ 6 Comments

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By Tardsie

We Were In Attendance At One Wedding Where The Minister Said “Awful Wedded Wife.” No Foolin’.

It’s a truism that something always goes wrong at a wedding. Usually it’s something small (or several small somethings), but other times the happy event can descend into a scene straight out of the Jerry Springer show. The story that follows falls somewhere in the middle.

Not long after I graduated from college, my friend Ramon asked me to be in his wedding. Ramon was my ‘little brother’ (a fraternity designation; I have no natural siblings), despite being about three years older than I was, and had actually managed to land one of our professors–a sizable victory. The wedding was to be held in some high-toned winery in Napa, California. The wedding would be a dignified affair, with a great many guests from both sides.

Napa: A Classy Place For A Classy Shindig.

However, one of the guests brought marijuana brownies to the party. Significantly, this first-time chef had improperly followed the recipe, and had inadvertently created super-brownies. It’s impossible to say just how many guests helped themselves to brownies, but it was at the reception when the affair quickly began to go south.

It started when a couple of guys from my frat convinced the wedding photographer to take a few pictures of them pressing their naked asses to the windows of the reception hall, displaying their matching tattoos for all the world to see. I was talking with Ramon when all this went down.

It Turns Out There Is Such A Thing As Too Much.

In the middle of my conversation with Ramon, his hot little sister broke in and began speaking to him rapidly in Spanish: ‘Taco burrito chimichanga, guacamole por favor!’ Ramon’s face darkened as he answered, ‘Tostada margarita, tortilla no bueno!’

He turned to me. “Do you know anything about people showing their tattoos?” But before I could answer, a knot of angry voices rose over the din of the party–Maureen, Ramon’s new bride, had just heard about the photography snafu. Maureen had lived on the West Coast for over ten years at this point, and as a professor, had struggled mightily to rid herself of her braying New Jersey accent. Now, more than a little drunk and entirely pissed off, the Jersey Girl buried deep within Maureen began to assert herself with a vengeance, “What the fuck is goin’ on heah?” she bellowed.

Love Sometimes Takes Us To A Strange Place.

By the time Maureen was halfway pacified, we had bigger fish to fry. Our buddy Mike had apparently gobbled one too many brownies and had become convinced that the brownies were laced with LSD. For the rest of the evening, a twitchy, barely consolable Mike insisted that he’d been dosed. Mike would experience brief periods of lucidity when he would appear to be convinced that the brownies contained nothing more than an overabundance of cannabis. Then, slyly, he’d ask, “So how much acid is in these brownies, anyway?”

Finally, when my responsibilities were through, I managed to sneak away to my hotel room and collapse wearily onto my bed. Although I was beat from a long, grueling day, I took some satisfaction at least that my brownies were a big hit.

You’re Welcome, Gang!

Tardsie’s True-Ass Tales: Tidbits

08 Tuesday May 2012

Posted by in Culture

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By Tardsie

Tardsie’s Collected A Few Stories In His Time.

***

The Bad Touch

I have a friend who maintains–and as ridiculous as this claim may sound, if you knew the guy, you’d understand why I believe it–that he’s tried masturbation only once. He says he didn’t like it.

I told him he was doing it wrong.

It’s So Easy To Do–We’re Doing It Right Now!

***

Mark David Chapman–We Need You Now!

When I was a kid I had a copy of the Bee Gees’ Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band, which I mistakenly believed was the Bee Gees’ original work. One day, while listening to the album and making fun of it, my friend’s mom burst into the room and said, “That’s BEATLES music!” She looked at me with an expression of stone-cold horror and said, “One day you’ll be sorry you made fun of the Beatles!” For a while I was weirded-out by that, waiting for the regret-shoe to drop.

I’m still not sorry, Mrs. Martinez, but I hope you’re well.

If Anything, Tardsie Should Get Points For Mocking This Musical Abortion.

***

Only Losers Ride The Bus

When I can, I prefer to travel by train. Air travel is unpleasant enough, thanks to my fear of flying (I don’t fear terrorists; I fear that the massive metal tube in which I am travelling will, like Wile E. Coyote after he has dashed off the side of a cliff, suddenly realize that it has   heretofore been denying a fundamental principle of physics and plummet abruptly earthward, accompanied all the while by the soundtrack of my girlish screams) and the myriad inconveniences attendant with the ‘airline experience.’

Much Like The Storied Honey Badger, Amtrak Doesn’t Give A Shit.

Amtrak personnel–if you’ll pardon a rare excursion into vulgarity–don’t give two shits. With one notable exception, they don’t care what you do as long as you’re not so blatant about it that you force their hand. The one rule I’ve seen Amtrak enforce–with a vengeance–is a prohibition against smoking tobacco. Get caught smoking and they will throw your ass off at the next stop. No foolin.’ As I don’t smoke cigarettes, I can enjoy the refreshingly anachronistic freedom the train offers.

A great example of this is from a recent trip I took. For privacy reasons, I make it a point to ask the attendant not to make up my room, usually with the explanation that I work late into the evening (which is true). However, at one point, I hadn’t realized that a new attendant had come on duty, and while I was at dinner, he made up my room. I was chagrined when I arrived back at my room to find several items I would very much NOT like discovered stacked neatly beside the freshly made bed. Nothing more was ever said, however, and of course the attendant got a nice tip.

I’ve always maintained that train travel is for degenerate stoners and the elderly. I’ll let you know right now, folks–I’m not that old.

God, We Love The Train.

***

Sometimes Tardsie Wants To Punch Himself In The Face

I walked into work one day and saw that one of my coworkers, a girl named Kelly, was dressed to the nines.

“Hey, Kelly,” I said, “You look great! Who died?”

“My grandma,” she said.

***

What Not To Say To A Cop

I lived in Washington State for a while, where having California license plates is considered a capital crime. So one day this cop in Mt. Lake Terrace pulls me over for speeding and starts giving me shit about being from California, “We have speed limits here, son!”

Apparently the little fellow was irritated when I broke eye contact with him to look for my insurance paperwork. He said, “If you don’t want to listen, I can just give you the ticket right now.”

A little pissed myself, I said, “I’m listening, dude, I’m just looking for my paperwork.”

“Hey!” He said, “Don’t call me that. I’m not a dude, all right?”

If I’d had another second to think about it, I would have chosen a different path. Instead, I said, “I’m sorry, ma’am–you looked so masculine.”

He didn’t care for that one bit.

This Guy Was Holding $15 Worth Of Pot. Not In Lewis County, Washington.

Headlines 04.30.12

30 Monday Apr 2012

Posted by in Crime, Culture, News

≈ 9 Comments

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By Smaktakula

Reading Any Further Would Only Spoil The Fun.

In which we stop reading after the headlines, and tell you the rest:

11-year-old girl dies after fight with 5th grader over a boy  ~ The 11-year-old clearly didn’t want it badly enough.

Special Needs Student Set On Fire At School ~ Among his special needs now?–Lots and lots of Bactine.

Feds send lady pot every month ~ Meet the future Mrs. Smaktakula!

Take it from a girl who cannot eat, a feeding tube is no fad ~ Just what the fuck is wrong with you that you think you have to tell us that?

Gawrsh! That Looks Awesome!

Donated kidney gets third owner ~ Dude, if you weren’t gonna keep it, you could have given the fucking thing back.

10 Things Parents Should Know About The Avengers (Spoiler-Free) ~ Thor’s a pedophile, Captain America’s got a raging coke habit, and the Hulk’s a ginormous DayGlo homo. See the flick for the other seven.

Prostitute gives NBA advice ~ A professional’s advice is needed to stop them from dribbling before they shoot.

Man loves naked stone lady ~ That’s a little different! But at least it’s not a naked stone man. That would be an offense against nature.

Kinda Faggy, RIght?

Your Vagina Isn’t Just Too Big, Too Floppy, and Too Hairy—It’s Also Too Brown ~ And can we talk about the smell?

Helen Keller-brand glasses? ~ They’re called “gheghek5gkedk.” Ask for them by name.

CHRIS BROWN’S NEW PICKUP LINE: “I PROMISE I WON’T BEAT YOU” ~ We get so much tail with that one.

How Muslims View Easter ~ Just another day to blow shit up.

In Muslim Tradition, The Easter Jackal Hides A Backpack Full Of Eggs Somewhere In A Public Place. The Fun Is Trying To Find Them Before They Go Off.

How I Stopped Drowning in Drink ~ And got all preachy.

Cops: Woman burned to death owed suspect $2000 ~ For $2,000 we’ll just slap you around a little–maybe cut you up a bit. We don’t start burning until you’re into us for at least five figures.

Secret Service scandal linked to lack of women in agency ~ Well, right–if there were more ladies around, the fellas wouldn’t have had to go to the brothel in the first place.

20th Anniversary Of The Los Angeles Riots Remembered Sunday ~ Not by Reginald Denny–that guy doesn’t remember shit!

The Biggest Thing Ever To Happen To The Guy, And He Couldn't Tell You A Thing About It.

Gay comes up short in first playoff game ~ And if losing the game wasn’t bad enough, afterwards, Straight and his asshole buddies threw rocks at Gay.

Lawyer: Autistic boy’s teacher didn’t call him ‘bastard’ ~ “Completely untrue. I called him a ‘wretched little Mongoloid doomed to shamble through life on the taxpayer’s dime leaving a whiff of urine in his lurching wake,’ but you know, retards don’t understand ‘people-talk’ very well, so that could sound like ‘bastard.'”

Pregnant Girl to Wed Slain Shooting Victim ~ Sexual congress with the dead is illegal in 49 states. Hello, Alabama!

11-Year-Old Girl Who Gave Birth Is Not Normal ~ The devil you say!

Look, All We Did As A Society Was To Sexualize Children--We Had No Idea That Anyone Would Actually Act On That.

Happy 4/20!

20 Friday Apr 2012

Posted by in Culture, News

≈ 8 Comments

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By Smaktakula

Get It? It's An Interstate Sign, But It Says 420, Man! Oh, Shit, Is That Fucking Funny Or Am I Just Really, Really High?

Although most respectable folks are probably unaware of it, marijuana abusers have developed their own culture over the years. United by this culture, as well as their love for their brain-numbing herb, hemp-heads communicate with one another through jargon and weird shibboleths.

You Thought Pot Culture Began & Ended Here, Didn't You? We Wish.

If you’re not a dirty stoner, you can perhaps be forgiven for not knowing that today, April 20, is a special day for devotees of cannabis culture. The significance of the date is derived from the number 420 (e.g., the 20th day of the 4th month), which is of special significance to the dissipated ranks of weed warriors.

Because Normally Pot Culture Is So Subtle.

It’s likely that almost every cheeba-monkey you’ll meet will claim to know the significance of this number. Any claim to certainty is false. There are several theories–some more likely than others–as to the origins of 420, none of which has ever been proven conclusively.

Lewis County, Washington: "We May Fuck Sheep And Our Next Of Kin, But Never Will We Soil Our Lungs With The Sweet, Sweet Cheeba."

The explanations are vast, stemming from the easy-to-debunk, such as the notion that 420 is police code for a drug violation, to the credible, that 4:20 roughly coincides with British Tea Time. However, the most commonly accepted explanation traces the word’s origins back to San Rafael, California high school students in 1971, who would meet after class at 4:20 to indulge their addiction.

Like You Can Believe Anything These People Say.

The most insidious thing about the date 4-20 is that it gives stoners a veneer of respectability and self-control. Making such a visual show of their reefer madness on this day gives an innocent public the erroneous notion that dopers refrain from smoking until 4.20, rather than the shocking truth, that it’s more like 24-7.

As Ridiculous As The Excuse Is, We're Inclined To Believe Tardsie When He Says He's Never Inhaled. No Lungs.

So can I still be president? ∞ T.

True Facts: Audiobooks

18 Wednesday Apr 2012

Posted by in Culture, Entertainment

≈ 13 Comments

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By Smaktakula

Few Works Of Literature Have Had Such A Profound Effect Upon Our Development. We're Not Kidding About This One.

Rapid advances in technology and the world’s ever-burgeoning “Stupid Factor” are both contributing to the incipient extinction of the book in its traditional form. That portion of the public which still wastes its time reading now has a broad spectrum of media from which to choose, including traditional books, e-books and, frighteningly, audiobooks.

Okay, This Doesn't Even Make Sense. To Start With, Books Don't Have Ears.

Reading is a personal, and often private activity. Yet increasingly, the public is abrogating its own reading responsibility, leaving the heavy lifting to an anonymous reader. Most people would feel uncomfortable letting a complete stranger blow their nose or unzip their fly, but have not even a second thought about inviting some stranger into their most personal space–their heads.

'Book Of Losers?' We Imagine That Included Among Its Pages Are People Who Actually Read Books.

Given the recent increase in the popularity of audiobooks, it is somewhat surprising that there is so little concern among the public regarding who–or what–is whispering in its collective ear. It’s no great stretch of the imagination to suppose that the mellifluous voice coming through your headphones belongs to a pot-addled, potty-mouthed degenerate with at least one arrest for arson. It could be someone even worse.

Is This The Kind Of Dangerous Creepo You Want Reading To Your Kids?

Lastly, there’s the well-documented fact that listening to audiobooks causes bladder cancer.

Audiobooks: For Degenerates, By Degenerates.

Here’s some other 100% true stuff:

Seriously, would we lie to you? ∞ T.

Ireland The PT Way!

12 Monday Mar 2012

Posted by in Culture, History, Politics

≈ 33 Comments

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By The Promethean Times Editorial Staff

Ireland: A Nice Place To Visit, Even If You're Mostly Sober.

Before we get started, we should confess something: despite the cruel, ignorant and generally irresponsible things we say about people, places and things, it may surprise our readers to know that we hold in great affection many of those very subjects we skewer so mercilessly.¹ Chief among these beloved foils are the Irish. Although we will continue to mock these hapless, potato-munching inebriates until our dying day, the fact that Tardsie and Smaktakula have between them made a combined five trips to the Emerald Isle should to a large degree demonstrate Promethean Times‘ love for the Micks.

Edna Kenny (Seen Here At Breakfast) Was Recently Appointed Taoiseach (Prime Minister) For The Republic Of Ireland.

The Irish are a warm, gregarious people, who, despite the startling number of fistfights in which they regularly engage, are rightly known for their genial natures. Although theirs is a bittersweet history, full of famines, oppression and drunkenness, it’s difficult not to admire a people so foul-mouthed that old ladies use the Lord’s name more often in casual conversation than does Pat Robertson,  and whose priests are known to remark “If it’s yer head you’ll be wantin’ kicked in, ya wee shite, then go ahead and touch me fookin’ pint a second time.”

Straight Up: You Won't Be Getting His Lucky Charms Without One Hell Of A Fight.

The Irish are further unique in that, for whatever reason, they genuinely seem to be fond of Americans. Promethean Times wishes to encourage this special relationship by fostering an even greater understanding between Irish people and their more sober American cousins. With this in mind, we offer these American-specific travel tips for visiting Éire.

Don't Let It Worry You--Irishmen Are Sweethearts. In Another Five Minutes You'll Be Lifelong Pals. Just The Same, You Shouldn't Count On Him Never Again Punching You In The Face.

  • The Irish are proud of their culture. Show them you’re proud of it, too. If you even have one Irish ancestor, no matter how far removed, share this news with your new Mick friends by declaring, “I’m Irish, too!” They love that.
  • Break the ice by tackling a short person and demanding he lead you to his pot of gold, or at the very least, kick you down a bowl of sugary cereal for your trouble.

Look, It's Nothing Personal, Mr. O'Shaughnessy, It's Just That We Don't Think You're Temperance Society Material.

  • Black Irish doesn’t mean “black people.” Having said that, there are Irishmen of African descent. Smaktakula had the opportunity to meet them, and they were both really cool.
  • Although the Irish people insist on seeing their culture as wholly distinct and separate from that of the Scots, they don’t mind at all that you don’t. Go ahead and let them how much you enjoyed Braveheart.
  • The Irish love a laugh. It’s perfectly acceptable to point out that the word “Gaelic” sounds a lot like “Gay-Lick.”
  • The Irish will be delighted if you accost them on the street for the sole purpose of hearing them say, “They’re magically delicious.”  Famously patient, they’ll happily oblige you a second time when you demand, “No–do it right!”

When Irish Eyes Are Smiling...

Special tips for travelling in Northern Ireland:

  • Your choice of drink can say a lot, so choose one respectful of Irish culture. Although Irish car bombs are, along with straight whiskey, famously the national refreshment, when in Northern Ireland, the savvy drinker orders a Black & Tan.
  • Irish people can sometimes be melancholy, particularly in the north. If anyone mentions ‘the Troubles,’ tell ’em, “You think you’ve got troubles? I’m consumed by credit card debt and my lousy job is killing me! At least you get to sit around all day and drink!”

The Quaint Northern Town Of Portrush, Or As Tardsie Calls It, "POTrush." But That's A Story For Another Day.

  • In Northern Ireland, knowing your colors can be the difference between life and death: When you’re in Catholic areas, be sure to sport your Unionist orange, but just as quickly switch to green when you’re hanging with the proddies.
  • If you’re looking to place your money offshore by investing in foreign financial products, you could do a lot worse than to look into an Irish IRA. Irish professionals spend most of their office hours in local pubs, and financial advisors are no different. Try asking around at different pubs in Belfast or Derry for some information about the IRA (remember to pronounce it by the initials when you’re in N. Ireland, and not like a wimpy man’s name, as in America). It’s the damnedest thing–everyone you speak to will deny knowing anything about it, but if you ask around long enough, the right people WILL find you.

Folks, Whether You Realize It Or Not, The World Is Just One More Potato Famine Away From Being Up To Its Eyeballs In The Irish.

¹We weren’t talking to you, Frenchie, so sit your ass down. Nobody here called for a snail-eating surrender-monkey. < S.

Robertson To Marijuana Advocates: “Your Move, Dirtbags!”

09 Friday Mar 2012

Posted by in Celebrity, News, Politics, Religion

≈ 17 Comments

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By Smaktakula

Oh, Sure--He's A Cock-Knocker. But Let's Hear What He Has To Say.

Only a few days ago, it would have been hard to blame filthy hippies for getting all giddy over the possible legalization of marijuana. Cannabis, the decriminalization of which had seemed until recently to be largely inevitable, may not be as close to reality as previously feared. Despite valiant efforts by anti-drug activists  over the past decades, such as Nancy Reagan’s “Just Say No” Campaign or the hunger-inducing ‘This Is Your Brain On Drugs,” the public’s tolerance for this deadly plant seemed only to be growing. Then Pat Robertson weighed in.

Not Fucking Likely, You Filthy Cheeba-Monkeys!

Readers of Promethean Times are already familiar with the myriad threats to society posed by marijuana legalization. The pitfalls of hemp-addiction have been widely documented–some users become hooked to the reefer after simply walking into a room where someone has smoked marijuana within the past six hours.¹ Additionally, anyone who lives in an urban center or near a high school has seen the ugly effects of “Weed Rage”–the drug is known to give users the strength of ten men, and induces such fury that subduing a raging stoner requires an army of club-wielding cops and about four gallons of pepper spray. Crafty hemp-heads are reportedly contracting cancer intentionally as a ploy to get their grimy, emaciated hands on some sweet, sweet cheeba. And of course, incidents of weed-dissipated parents devouring their own children are so common as to be almost prosaic.

Hippies. A Lot Like Cockroaches, But Lacking The Charm.

Despite these very real and well-publicized dangers, it has taken until now for someone to summon the courage to affect real change. By announcing his support of marijuana legalization, Pat Robertson has done just that. Overnight, people who once thought marijuana a harmless pleasure are being forced to take a second look at this invasive weed, hopefully to see it for what it is–a nation-destroying blight. Banking on his reputation as a head-up-the-ass moron who has previously offered up godlessness as a cause for national disasters and who advocates political assassination as a form of diplomacy, Robertson is gambling that his advocacy of marijuana legalization will turn the public against it. On behalf of society as a whole, but most especially the children, Promethean Times thanks Pat Robertson for his brave stance in helping America say nope to dope and ugh to drugs.

Parents: Oaksterdam University Is NOT A Fully Accredited Institution Of Higher Learning! It's More Like A Community College.²

¹Unless that shit is the dank, in which case the effects can last up to 12 hours. ∞ T.
²Offended? Ha! You’re poorly educated. ∞ T.

Return Of Not What You Were Looking For?

02 Friday Mar 2012

Posted by in Culture, Stupidity

≈ 12 Comments

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By Tardsie

There's No Such Thing As A 'Typical" Promethean Times Reader. The Only Common Thread Is Degeneracy.

Not everyone who visits Promethean Times finds us on purpose. Here we respond to some of the bizarre, dangerous and downright foul search terms by which you found us. Enjoy!

***

fags love straight men ~ It’s true, but just between us, you’ll be safe.

sexual watersports ~ What’s that, like having sex on water-skis? We’ll just look that up and…OH! OH, MY GOD! WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?

ugly guy with mullet ~ We’re gonna need more details.

drunken irish beaver ~ We challenge you to show us an Irish beaver who’s not drunk.

"Aw Jaysus, Mikey, Me Ould Son--Oim So Fookin' Pissed Oi Cannah Remember--Iz'tah Wrang Soide Ah Dah Rood Daht We Droive Ahn, Oir Dah Roight Soide?"

hugh hefner creepy ~ Really? You don’t think it’s normal for a doddering, incontinent old man to make pretend sex with silicate vixens?

a is for addict ~ b is for bum. This is fun!

in squalor recluse no friends ~ Sounds tough, buddy! Hopefully we were able to make you smile.

is pauly shore allergic to anything? ~ We like the way you think. Tell us you’ve got a lunch date with Pauly.

courtney love breast feeding at Wendys ~ Surely even the most rabid breast-feeding advocate must concede that such a thing is neither natural nor beautiful; it is an abomination.

Apparently, She Lactates Pure Methadone.

emmanuael lewis 2011 ~ Skonk 4 LIFE, Yo!

confusion in 84 year old ~ That’s bound to happen.

does prince william call camella “mom”  — What do you think, retard?

tina fey dead ~ She’s NOT dead. We told you that.

history of black dicks ~ Well, you might want to start with Robert Mugabe, and Barry Bonds was supposed to be a real jerk…you meant ‘black penii,’ didn’t you?

Being A Nice Guy Doesn't Matter Until You Lose Your Ability To Hit.

what did billy carter do ~ Besides embarrass a nation, you mean?

who is prince william’s soulmate? ~ ‘Lil ‘Lil Kim. We also told you that.

cons to a temporary marriage ~ Same as the cons for a permanent marriage: your spouse.

did you invite jesus ~  Hells yeah! He’s doing Jell-O shots.

"The Bad News Is That We're Out Of Wine. The Good News Is We've Got All This Bottled Water, And I Know This Party Trick..."

bert and ernie gay ~ You’d think that Bert would be the ‘man,’ but no, it’s Ernie.

opinions on abortion — We’ve got enough opinions already.

how to thank an asshole for an asshole action — Flush?

paul pierce eyes–And now we suppose that Paul is blind.

percentage of men who climax on their partner’s face ~ It’s about 45%. The percentage who do it a second time? 0%.

Seriously, It's Not Sexy.

was macht pauly shore heute —Nichts

korean down syndrome — They call it “Up” syndrome in South Korea.  In the glorious paradise of North Korea there are no people with disabilities whatsoever.  They’re eaten.

promethean times ~ Hello!

cooking in your sauna ~ It can be done, but it’s not advised.

spiders living in tongue; spider lays eggs on face ~ Not true, sadly, but it’s nice to have something to believe in.

worst place to live in north korea ~ Well, it’s all pretty bad, but we heard that the intersection of Chigun and 47th Avenue is pretty rough.

westboro name origin ~ We told you a little about that.

"So I'm Thinking Of Starting A Church..."

white girls in black sororities ~ Actually, black sororities are in many ways like our rules for eating in bed: No Crackers!

lady mullet ~ It’s called a femullet, and it’s hella sexy.

naked nicknames ~ Smaktakula’s is ‘Tiny.’

crazy russian mathmatition ~ You’re talking about our pal, Grigori!

after the taliban took control of afghanistan, respect for women went downhill from there.  they are treate . . . ~ Sounds like you already know how the story comes out. What do you need us for?

fellatrix blog ~ We read it for a while, but found it hard to swallow.

fake testicles ~ Check these out!

baseball is big in China ~ Nothing’s all that big in China, except for Yao Ming, and he had to come to the States for a life worth a damn.

Oh Yeah, And This Monstrosity.

pedobear jackpot ~ It’s the first ten rows of a Justin Bieber show.

statistics ballet homosexuality ~ It’s somewhere around 95% (plus or minus 5%).

douchebaggery now a hairstyle ~ It has been for a while. Check this out. And this.

marijuana rectal cancer ~ It’s the sole cause, man!

dread hippy porn–We dread it too.

Yeah, We Know That Razors Weren't So Big In The Age Of Aquarius, But In The Age Of Hygiene, They Are. And Take A Shower While You're At It!

poems about mullets ~ I think that I shall never see/A Dude as hideous and sad as thee/Please cover your head with a paper bag/’Cause your freaky hair makes you look like a…doofus.

russell brand douchebag–We prefer Massengill brand douchebag.

appalachian pot-– The strain is created by cross-breeding it with itself.

i hate pork ~ Smaktakula does too.

camilla parker bolwes pretty–Pretty what?

Usually Powerful Men Like Prince Charles Opt To "Go Pretty" In Second Marriages.

victims of the stupid gene ~ More numerous than sand on the beach.

following vice prez who is next in line of succession the prez of us ~ Apparently the Founding Fathers didn’t think this through. According to the Constitution, in  the event that both the President and Vice-President are unable to serve, the Presidency goes to the  guy who owns the most horses.

nicknames for dick — What’s your name again?

was obama photographed with leeches on his face ~What?!? No.

dear camp female tramps ~ Tramps are dear to us as well.

vienna sausage creations ~ Well, speaking euphemistically–children.

showing his cock ~ ‘Tis a fine bantam you have there, sir–sure to win first prize at the County Fair.

people remembering the 60s — Are often tiresome.

Anti-Drug PSA's Would Be So Much More Effective If This Guy Was The Poster-Boy.

fbi warning negro—Clarence prefers to be called the FBI warning African-American.

testicles hanging off truck—That was one hell of an accident.

condoms for men with small penis~They’re called Little Richards, and they’re surprisingly comfortable. Or, that’s what we read in Consumer Reports anyway.

tina fey died ~ Haven’t we been through this?

im a nazi ~ Some Israeli gentlemen may be visiting later this evening.

fish vagina innuendos—Going to a party later tonight and need a line that will impress the ladies?

"Because Canned Tuna Is Too Expensive! Heh! Tuna? Anyone? Because Canned Tuna Is Too Expensive!..You People Wouldn't Know Funny If It Bit You On The Ass!"

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Check out how these creepos found us!