Author Archives: Smaktakula

Ass-Craving Homophobic Minister Not A Hypocrite

11 Tuesday May 2010

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George Rekers, a Baptist minister known for his anti-gay stance, was recently photographed while vacationing with a male prostitute.

All A Huge Misunderstanding. He Only Rented This Boy To Help Him With Some Hard Packing.

On the surface this may appear to be hypocrisy of the lowest order.  However, supporters maintain that the closeted cleric’s actions are in keeping with Biblical teachings.

The First Epistle of RuPaul (from the SuperApocrypha, a portion of the Bible excised by the Roman Catholic Church in the 7th Century A.D.) settles the matter quite clearly, stating:

Go ye into all the world, and seek those whom I have made different.  Wherever such people are gathered, go unto them with fists and stones and with unkind words.  Let pass no opportunity to correct their sinful ways; let your rebuke be as the sting of the lash, for in shaming them you do them good.

Meanwhile, be ye a meth-snorting homo in secret.

Rekers is just one of many such “Sodomites For Christ.”  These saints save souls on the downlow, but don’t ever think they enjoy it.

IHateMyselfIHateMyselfIHateMyselfIHateMyself: Christian right leader George Rekers takes vacation with “rent boy” – Page 1 – News – Miami – Miami New Times.

Smaktakula

TSA Worker’s Miniscule Manhood Now A Matter Of Public Record

10 Monday May 2010

Posted by in Corporate Culture, Crime, Culture, General Foolishness, Health, Humor, People, Relationships, Scandal

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Rolando Negrin, a TSA worker apparently hung like a larval mosquito, became increasingly upset by jeers about his economy-sized penis.       

Rolando "Cashew Dick" Negrin

Instead of going out and buying himself a really big American truck, Rolando went apeshit and assaulted his annoying co-worker.       

While Rolando may not relish the attention paid to his unimpressive meat-missile, he will hopefully take some satisfaction in the idea that by beating on his co-worker, he at least got to manhandle a prick that was much larger than a baby’s thumb.       

See Rolando Go Off Half-Cocked: FOXNews.com – TSA Worker Arrested After Jokes, Fight About Size of Genitalia.       

Smaktakula

Political And Media Elites Surprised, Dismayed By Would-Be Terrorist’s Lack Of Whiteness

07 Friday May 2010

Posted by in Christianity, Crime, Culture, General Foolishness, International Relations, Islam, Justice, National Events, National Politics, Political Correctness, Race, Relationships, Religion, Terrorism

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By Smaktakula

In the hours following the accidentally foiled Times Square bombing, Washington and the media let the world know just what sort of deranged maniac they were looking for: a disgruntled white guy.  Remember: Timothy McVeigh was white.  So was Ted Kaczynski.  And don’t forget to add Eric Rudolph’s two kills into the shameful annals of American terrorism.

Since then, pretty much every major act of violent terrorism has been committed predominately (by which we mean exclusively) by adherents of Islam*.  The current expectations among fans of Professional International Terrorism (PIT) is that whitey is due for a significant atrocity.

New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg apparently believes that as with his legislation regarding which foods New Yorkers can put in their bodies, his own God-given wisdom trumps facts.  Shortly after the incident, the mayor responsibly opined that while he didn’t really have a clue as to what happened, he was confident enough to prognosticate that the would-be mass murderer would turn out to be an American citizen bitter about Obamacare.

Bloomberg’s mistake is a reasonable one considering that the administration and most of the media have been warning that Tea Party radicals were going to try something crazy.  The media has provided substantial proof for these claims, if one accepts incestuously recycled comments from other “journalists” as proof.

The world was shocked to learn that the alleged bad guy, Faisal Shahzad was not white, nor was he Christian.  He was not a Republican, and apparently did not play college-level lacrosse.

After Shahzad’s lack of Christian whiteness was discovered, MSNBC spokesperson Contessa Brewer expressed dismay that the failed bomber was Islamic, claiming that certain groups would use that fact to their own racist ends.  Presumably this entails spreading the false rumor that people of Islamic faith make poor terrorists.  This is especially galling since Islamic terrorists are considered the cream of the crop when it comes to murderous thugs.

Brewer later backpedalled on her Facebook site, saying she simply didn’t want the terrorist to be of a specific race.  It’s just that there was a specific race and/or religious preference that she didn’t want it to be.

In virtually the same breath, Brewer attempts to justify her statements by pointing to Bloomberg’s latest statements, admonishing Americans not to take out their anger on Pakistani Muslims.  The fact that no major acts of violence against American muslims have occurred since 9/11 is a testament to the efficacy of this sort of pedantic, self-righteous nagging.

Still, until the Obama adminstration and the friendly press can return to the narrative of the white Christian as Public Enemy Number 1, there are going to be some downcast faces:

Thought That White Christian Prisoners Would Help Diversify Gitmo

Say WHAAAAAAAAAAT?!?

This Guy Is Totally Bummed

Hopefully the next terrorist will look like this:

Why Is She So Full Of Hate?

Otherwise it’ll really screw up the narrative.

*Promethean Times wishes to stress our firm stance that Islam is a religion of peace.  Every right-thinking person knows that it is only because of a few misguided individuals and a great many Western bigots that people have this hugely incorrect view of Muslims. Therefore, we feel that any retaliatory action against Promethean Times, including but not limited to fatwas, jihads and other assorted beefs, would be unwarranted.  Not that any Islamic person would perpetrate an act of violence–please see the first sentence in this note regarding Islam being a religion of peace.  But just so we’re clear, if Islamic people were the type to start killing people who said things with which they disagreed (and again, we’re not saying that they are–Religion of Peace!  Religion of Peace!), hopefully they wouldn’t feel the need to revenge themselves against Promethean Times.  Although undoubtedly we have done something to deserve it, for which we are most grievously sorry.  As-Salamu Alaykum

Vicious Mauling Leaves ‘Sesame Street’ Cast Member In Critical Condition

05 Wednesday May 2010

Posted by in Crime, General Foolishness, Hollywood, Humor, People, Relationships, Satire, Scandal, Television

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By Smaktakula

Children’s television star Abigail “Abby” Cadabby is in critical condition tonight following an on-set mauling.  A featured player on PBS’ Sesame Street, Cadabby is expected to survive the attack, but the future of her career remains up in the air, as do her prospects for ever flying again under her own power.

The Victim

The incident occurred on-set sometime after 2:00 PM this afternoon.  Hard facts are still elusive, but according to eye-witnesses, Cadabby was mauled by co-worker, Whitman “Baby” Bear.  Children’s Television Police Department would not confirm that Bear was a suspect in Cadabby’s mauling.  However, a source with the CTPD confirms that Bear has been taken into custody.

Portions of the 911 call have been released:

Operator: Please sir, you’re going to have to speak more slowly.

Caller:  {Unintelligible noises which may be chewing}

Operator: Sir, officers are on the way.  I need you to calm down.

Caller: {shouting} Me am calm!

Operator: That’s good, Sir.  Please, tell me what you see.

Caller:  Me see blood!  Me see blood! {someone screaming in background} Me see blood all over Hooper’s.  All over the cookies!  {sobbing}

The line remained open, and a second witness eventually came on the line.  Here are some of the transcripts from that conversation.

Caller:  Yes, it is very bad.  Abby is screaming.  She has been bitten many times.  Ah-ah-ah-ah.

Operator:  Can you see how many times she’s been bitten?

Caller: Ah-ah-ah-ah.

Operator: Sir, I–

Caller:  I see one bite.  One bite on Abby.

Operator:  So that’s one–

Caller:  Two bites, I see two bites on Abby.  Ah-ah-ah-ah.

Operator: So it’s two bites.

Caller:  Three bites, I see three bites on Abby.

Operator:  So is it two or–

Caller:  I love to count!  Ah-ah-ah-ah.

Operator:  I can appreciate that, Sir, but–

Caller: Four!  I see four bites on Abby.  Ah-ah-ah-ah.

The call goes on like this for seventeen minutes.

There have been several theories behind the vicious attack.  Televangelist Pat Robertson opined that the mauling was “Clear proof that bears have no souls.”  This is not the first time Robertson has angered some members of the Ursine-American community.  Ultimately, Robertson blamed Cadabby, saying of the critically injured troll-fairy, “I’m praying that Ms. Cadabby makes a full recovery, and hope that she’ll see how her repeated use of witchcraft brought this mauling upon her.”

PETA spokesman Jeff Meriwether calls Robertson’s statements “irresponsible.”  Said Meriwether, “It’s a classic case of blaming the victim.  The Children’s Television Workshop is clearly to blame here.  Mr. Bear is–and I can’t stress this enough–a wild animal.  Keeping him on set under those lights for fourteen hours a day was asking for something like this.  It’s a testament to Mr. Bear that this didn’t happen earlier.”

Baby Bear: A History Of Violence Toward Women

While the whole truth may never be known, some sources close to both Cadabby and Bear tell of a long-standing feud between the two performers.  According to one source, who asked to be identified only as ‘Omle,’ Cadabby may have been provoking Bear in the moments leading up to the attack.

{Omle} saw the whole thing.  {Omle} was taping {Omle}’s segment, {Omle}’s World, but Mr. Producer made {Omle} stop because Abby and Baby were making so much noise yelling at each other.  It made {Omle} sad.

Then {Omle} heard Abby call Baby a ‘Lisping Retard.’  Then {Omle} could only hear the screaming.

'Omle'

Whatever truth, if any, finally emerges from this sad episode, it’s clear that the lives of two very talented performers–one clinging to life in a hospital bed, the other cooling his metaphorical heels in the county lockup–will never be the same.

‘Choking Game’ Claims Victim; Promethean Times Urges Panic

03 Monday May 2010

Posted by in Culture, Drug Culture, Drugs, Games, General Foolishness, Health, National Events

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By Smaktakula

The hidden scourge of America’s youth has claimed another victim.  Erik Robinson died on April 20th after playing the ‘Choking Game.’  The rules of the game are sketchy, but it can be assumed that Robinson lost.

A ghastly situation like this one calls for sympathy and compassion.  It would be in the very worst taste, for example, to point out that Promethean Times was ahead of the pack in spotlighting this pernicious destroyer of youth, and had Little Erik heeded this warning, the boy might very well be alive right now.  It’s difficult to imagine anyone stooping to that sort of verbal thuggery.

Even more than critical than sympathy or compassion, however, is the need for blind, unreasoning panic.  This situation is far too dangerous for America to stand by idly doing nothing.  Something must be done, and quickly.  This may mean entertaining hastily laid plans which will later take a tremendous toll, perhaps in terms of money, infrastructure or even human lives.  The danger makes it worth the risk!

Don’t do nothing–do something!

And while you’re at it, be aware of dangers like the designer drug, Jenkem, which can be made using products found in the typical American bathroom.

The GOP Finally Getting Its Black On

30 Friday Apr 2010

Posted by in Culture, National Events, People, Political Correctness, Politics, Race, Regional Politics

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By Smaktakula
Note:  This story should not be confused with “The GOP Finally Getting Its Freak On,” which is a horse of a different color.
With apologies to Michael Steele and Alan Keyes.

Princella Smith is a young, female GOP congressional candidate in a predominantly Democratic district in Arkansas.   And she’s black.

Maybe Next Time.

In addition to running Republican in a blue district, Smith is an underdog candidate in the GOP primary, running against Rick Crawford, who has already secured the endorsement of former Arkansas Governor Mike Huckabee.

Win or lose, Smith’s entry into the fray can help the GOP considerably, provided she isn’t painted by the media (or by herself) as a bizarre novelty candidate.

Republicans have long been tagged as the party of old white men (an impression exacerbated by recent events).  While Republicans counter this by pointing to such figures as the aforementioned Keyes and Steele, neither the perennial joke candidate nor the GOP’s beleaguered chief are particularly charismatic.

Also, while African-Americans do not vote or think in as much of a bloc as the media (or professional race baiters like Al Sharpton, Jesse Jackson, Louis Farrakhan, Jeremiah Wright–all religious figures, interestingly enough) would have the public believe, it is true that the Republicans have done a lackluster job of reaching out to non-whites.

The vast majority of Americans are eager to put race behind them.  Barack Obama’s election was supposed to heal America’s racial rifts and put an end to identity politics.  The President and his closest advisors have been careful to downplay the racial element of Obama’s historic victory, but despite this the divide seems to have sharpened in many ways.  This is no doubt due in part to the need for the aforementioned race baiters to reassert the racial disparity (because if there weren’t race problems, these guys wouldn’t get to appear on TV once a week or so with that practiced “Black Leadership” scowl).

Nobody Does The Black Leadership Scowl Quite Like The Representative From Maryland.

Candidates like Smith, Louisiana’s Bobby Jindal and California’s Abel Maldonado can only help to diversify and extremely stultified Republican party.  Diversity–through organic means and not via odious and racially belittling quotas–could help to destigmatize the Republican Party in non-white communities.

That may be well and good for the Republicans, but how does it benefit the nation as a whole?  Not long ago the United States made itself believe that the election of a particular black person would once and for all snuff the uncomfortable question of race in politics.

It didn’t, and it’s probably too much to think that a congressional longshot could exorcise an entire nation’s demons.  It might not be too much of a stretch, however, to hope that Smith’s candidacy might draw awareness to moderates and conservatives within the black community.  If such moderates and conservatives were given voice by the media, it would obviate the ostensible need for a race-baiting reverend.