By Smaktakula

Children’s television star Abigail “Abby” Cadabby is in critical condition tonight following an on-set mauling.  A featured player on PBS’ Sesame Street, Cadabby is expected to survive the attack, but the future of her career remains up in the air, as do her prospects for ever flying again under her own power.

The Victim

The incident occurred on-set sometime after 2:00 PM this afternoon.  Hard facts are still elusive, but according to eye-witnesses, Cadabby was mauled by co-worker, Whitman “Baby” Bear.  Children’s Television Police Department would not confirm that Bear was a suspect in Cadabby’s mauling.  However, a source with the CTPD confirms that Bear has been taken into custody.

Portions of the 911 call have been released:

Operator: Please sir, you’re going to have to speak more slowly.

Caller:  {Unintelligible noises which may be chewing}

Operator: Sir, officers are on the way.  I need you to calm down.

Caller: {shouting} Me am calm!

Operator: That’s good, Sir.  Please, tell me what you see.

Caller:  Me see blood!  Me see blood! {someone screaming in background} Me see blood all over Hooper’s.  All over the cookies!  {sobbing}

The line remained open, and a second witness eventually came on the line.  Here are some of the transcripts from that conversation.

Caller:  Yes, it is very bad.  Abby is screaming.  She has been bitten many times.  Ah-ah-ah-ah.

Operator:  Can you see how many times she’s been bitten?

Caller: Ah-ah-ah-ah.

Operator: Sir, I–

Caller:  I see one bite.  One bite on Abby.

Operator:  So that’s one–

Caller:  Two bites, I see two bites on Abby.  Ah-ah-ah-ah.

Operator: So it’s two bites.

Caller:  Three bites, I see three bites on Abby.

Operator:  So is it two or–

Caller:  I love to count!  Ah-ah-ah-ah.

Operator:  I can appreciate that, Sir, but–

Caller: Four!  I see four bites on Abby.  Ah-ah-ah-ah.

The call goes on like this for seventeen minutes.

There have been several theories behind the vicious attack.  Televangelist Pat Robertson opined that the mauling was “Clear proof that bears have no souls.”  This is not the first time Robertson has angered some members of the Ursine-American community.  Ultimately, Robertson blamed Cadabby, saying of the critically injured troll-fairy, “I’m praying that Ms. Cadabby makes a full recovery, and hope that she’ll see how her repeated use of witchcraft brought this mauling upon her.”

PETA spokesman Jeff Meriwether calls Robertson’s statements “irresponsible.”  Said Meriwether, “It’s a classic case of blaming the victim.  The Children’s Television Workshop is clearly to blame here.  Mr. Bear is–and I can’t stress this enough–a wild animal.  Keeping him on set under those lights for fourteen hours a day was asking for something like this.  It’s a testament to Mr. Bear that this didn’t happen earlier.”

Baby Bear: A History Of Violence Toward Women

While the whole truth may never be known, some sources close to both Cadabby and Bear tell of a long-standing feud between the two performers.  According to one source, who asked to be identified only as ‘Omle,’ Cadabby may have been provoking Bear in the moments leading up to the attack.

{Omle} saw the whole thing.  {Omle} was taping {Omle}’s segment, {Omle}’s World, but Mr. Producer made {Omle} stop because Abby and Baby were making so much noise yelling at each other.  It made {Omle} sad.

Then {Omle} heard Abby call Baby a ‘Lisping Retard.’  Then {Omle} could only hear the screaming.

'Omle'

Whatever truth, if any, finally emerges from this sad episode, it’s clear that the lives of two very talented performers–one clinging to life in a hospital bed, the other cooling his metaphorical heels in the county lockup–will never be the same.