Category Archives: Humor

Fast-Approaching Lohan Trainwreck Promises To Be A Spectacular And Tragic Waste

24 Monday May 2010

Posted by in Culture, Drug Culture, General Foolishness, Hollywood, People, Satire, Scandal

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By Smaktakula

These are lean times for Promethean Times’ Patron Skank, Lindsay Lohan.  The plucky actress has faced anti-skank bigotry in India, the unlawful appropriation of her name and likeness by E-Trade and of course, the terrifying sniper episode.  Now, Lindsay faces what is perhaps her greatest challenge yet–a court date for her most recent DUI.       

Lindsay has reason to be scared.  If the US Justice System gets its way, Lindsay may be forbidden one of America’s most cherished freedoms–the right to get way fucked up.    

The threat is so serious that Michael and Dina Lohan, Lindsay’s “parents”, have toyed with the idea of combining forces for their mutual profit and if time and circumstances permit, to make a passable effort at saving their daughter’s life.      

Promethean Times wonders how Lindsay will regard this difficult period in her life when she contemplates it at thirty or thirty-five.   Will she be ashamed of her 2010 antics, or will she embrace them as necessary steps in her development into self-confident maturity?   

Last Round, Coming Up

Ha Ha!  Just kidding about that.  Lindsay’s never gonna see thirty.

Some Portion Of Charlie Sheen’s Brain Miraculously Unravaged By Syphilis

19 Wednesday May 2010

Posted by in Drug Culture, Drugs, General Foolishness, Hollywood, People, Relationships, Satire, Television

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Despicable wife-beater and inebriate Charlie Sheen has wisely chosen to stick with his awful show.         

Promethean Times applauds Mr. Sheen’s decision to follow our advice.  Furthermore, we would like to remind readers that it couldn’t have been easy for the once-promising actor to accept the grim fact that, barring an improbably lucrative string of Hot Shots! and Wall Street sequels, he is destined to forever remain the Vast Wasteland’s bitch.           

WARNING: Staring Too Long At This Photo May Result In A Case Of The Crotch Lobsters.

Watch The Wind-Up Monkey Of The Post-Haim Era Continue To Bang Away: Charlie Sheen Returning to Two and a Half Men – PEOPLE TV Watch.           

Smaktakula

Promethean Short Short Stories: The Battle Of Anticlimax

14 Friday May 2010

Posted by in Culture, Humor, Literature, Military, Movies, Mythology, People, Promethean Short Short Stories, Relationships

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By Smaktakula

I got a bad feeling about this one, Sarge. 

The private’s eyes shone bright and innocent under the moonshadow cast by hibiscus-draped mangroves, hulking and gnarled with age. 

I’m gonna buy it out here.  I can feel it.  

A nightjar’s call pierced the chittering insect liturgy that was the land’s buzz-choked heartbeat.  The young man cried out at the sound.

Sarge’s voice twinkled with checked laughter: You’ll be fine, Kid.  I’ll bet you’re back home in Valley City before Thanksgiving.

Sure, the young man said, trying to imbue his words with a conviction he did not feel. 

And wouldn’t you know it?  Sarge was right: the war ended two days later and everyone involved lived happily ever after.

TSA Worker’s Miniscule Manhood Now A Matter Of Public Record

10 Monday May 2010

Posted by in Corporate Culture, Crime, Culture, General Foolishness, Health, Humor, People, Relationships, Scandal

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Rolando Negrin, a TSA worker apparently hung like a larval mosquito, became increasingly upset by jeers about his economy-sized penis.       

Rolando "Cashew Dick" Negrin

Instead of going out and buying himself a really big American truck, Rolando went apeshit and assaulted his annoying co-worker.       

While Rolando may not relish the attention paid to his unimpressive meat-missile, he will hopefully take some satisfaction in the idea that by beating on his co-worker, he at least got to manhandle a prick that was much larger than a baby’s thumb.       

See Rolando Go Off Half-Cocked: FOXNews.com – TSA Worker Arrested After Jokes, Fight About Size of Genitalia.       

Smaktakula

Vicious Mauling Leaves ‘Sesame Street’ Cast Member In Critical Condition

05 Wednesday May 2010

Posted by in Crime, General Foolishness, Hollywood, Humor, People, Relationships, Satire, Scandal, Television

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By Smaktakula

Children’s television star Abigail “Abby” Cadabby is in critical condition tonight following an on-set mauling.  A featured player on PBS’ Sesame Street, Cadabby is expected to survive the attack, but the future of her career remains up in the air, as do her prospects for ever flying again under her own power.

The Victim

The incident occurred on-set sometime after 2:00 PM this afternoon.  Hard facts are still elusive, but according to eye-witnesses, Cadabby was mauled by co-worker, Whitman “Baby” Bear.  Children’s Television Police Department would not confirm that Bear was a suspect in Cadabby’s mauling.  However, a source with the CTPD confirms that Bear has been taken into custody.

Portions of the 911 call have been released:

Operator: Please sir, you’re going to have to speak more slowly.

Caller:  {Unintelligible noises which may be chewing}

Operator: Sir, officers are on the way.  I need you to calm down.

Caller: {shouting} Me am calm!

Operator: That’s good, Sir.  Please, tell me what you see.

Caller:  Me see blood!  Me see blood! {someone screaming in background} Me see blood all over Hooper’s.  All over the cookies!  {sobbing}

The line remained open, and a second witness eventually came on the line.  Here are some of the transcripts from that conversation.

Caller:  Yes, it is very bad.  Abby is screaming.  She has been bitten many times.  Ah-ah-ah-ah.

Operator:  Can you see how many times she’s been bitten?

Caller: Ah-ah-ah-ah.

Operator: Sir, I–

Caller:  I see one bite.  One bite on Abby.

Operator:  So that’s one–

Caller:  Two bites, I see two bites on Abby.  Ah-ah-ah-ah.

Operator: So it’s two bites.

Caller:  Three bites, I see three bites on Abby.

Operator:  So is it two or–

Caller:  I love to count!  Ah-ah-ah-ah.

Operator:  I can appreciate that, Sir, but–

Caller: Four!  I see four bites on Abby.  Ah-ah-ah-ah.

The call goes on like this for seventeen minutes.

There have been several theories behind the vicious attack.  Televangelist Pat Robertson opined that the mauling was “Clear proof that bears have no souls.”  This is not the first time Robertson has angered some members of the Ursine-American community.  Ultimately, Robertson blamed Cadabby, saying of the critically injured troll-fairy, “I’m praying that Ms. Cadabby makes a full recovery, and hope that she’ll see how her repeated use of witchcraft brought this mauling upon her.”

PETA spokesman Jeff Meriwether calls Robertson’s statements “irresponsible.”  Said Meriwether, “It’s a classic case of blaming the victim.  The Children’s Television Workshop is clearly to blame here.  Mr. Bear is–and I can’t stress this enough–a wild animal.  Keeping him on set under those lights for fourteen hours a day was asking for something like this.  It’s a testament to Mr. Bear that this didn’t happen earlier.”

Baby Bear: A History Of Violence Toward Women

While the whole truth may never be known, some sources close to both Cadabby and Bear tell of a long-standing feud between the two performers.  According to one source, who asked to be identified only as ‘Omle,’ Cadabby may have been provoking Bear in the moments leading up to the attack.

{Omle} saw the whole thing.  {Omle} was taping {Omle}’s segment, {Omle}’s World, but Mr. Producer made {Omle} stop because Abby and Baby were making so much noise yelling at each other.  It made {Omle} sad.

Then {Omle} heard Abby call Baby a ‘Lisping Retard.’  Then {Omle} could only hear the screaming.

'Omle'

Whatever truth, if any, finally emerges from this sad episode, it’s clear that the lives of two very talented performers–one clinging to life in a hospital bed, the other cooling his metaphorical heels in the county lockup–will never be the same.

Natural Selection On Display Within Somali Pirate Community

14 Wednesday Apr 2010

Posted by in Africa, Crime, Culture, Food, Health, Humor, International Relations, Justice, Military, Satire, Terrorism, World Affairs

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By Smaktakula

The waters surrounding the Horn of Africa have long served as the historic hunting grounds of Somali pirates.  In the face of such diverse threats as globalization and climate change, the proud Somali buccaneers fight diligently to maintain their way of life.   Now, they may be aiding scientists to better understand how natural selection works in a real-life environment.

Recently, observers of the Somali pirate ecosystem have discovered a disturbing trend.  While most Somali pirates choose as their victims vulnerable vessels which command high ransoms, an increasing number of Somali pirates are attacking navy vessels in seemingly futile actions which almost always result in the pirates’ death or capture.  On the surface this sort of behavior would appear to be so moronic and assbackward as to threaten the Somali pirate community’s very existence.  In actuality, it is this phenomenon which keeps the community vibrant and healthy.

No Country For Old Men: Aging Pirates Like Simon (Above) Can't Afford To Retire

These are rough times for African corsairs.  An increasing number of young men are choosing the time-honored profession, but older pirates are clinging to their jobs, unwilling to trust in the Elderly Somali Pirate Fund, available to those venerable cutthroats who live long enough to reach retirement age at twenty-eight.  At the same time, maritime traffic around the Horn of Africa–a primary source of a Somali pirate’s livelihood–is becoming more scarce.  Compounding the pirates’ woes, those ships which do travel African waters are increasingly well-armed.

Enter the miracle of Natural Selection.  When there are too many pirates in relation to available plunder, nature ensures that the fittest and wiliest pirates live to produce numerous offspring, while pirates with less-favorable attributes are often killed before they can sire more than six or seven young.

His Favorable Genetic Characteristics Ensure A Life Of Swag, Booty and Wenches Wenches Wenches!

For years, scientists have theorized about a possible ‘Stupid Gene’ in humans.  Now, with a seemingly greater number of Somali pirates acting like idiots, scurvologists (maritime piracy scientists) believe they have their proof.  ‘Stupid Gene’ theory postulates that during times of abundance and lack of adversity, the so-called ‘Stupid Gene’ (DDD) rarely manifests.

Stupid Gene proponents claim that the situation in Coastal East Africa demonstrates the soundness of the theory.  Says Dr. Emil Haagerdäddi, a senior fellow at The East Africa Maritime Council, an Omaha, Nebraska-based think tank.

You’ll notice that during the times of abundance–when there are a lot of poorly-defended ships in East African waters, we see fewer pirate casualties.

The really interesting thing is when there are fewer ships off the Horn, and a greater presence of well-armed naval vessels on the lookout for pirates, we’re seeing a lot more dead pirates.  We believe that pirates who exhibit DDD {the ‘Stupid Gene’} are the ones attacking the naval vessels and getting slaughtered for it.

But in this way, healthier and stronger pirates reap the rewards of plunder, and pass on their superior genes to generations of freebooters yet unborn, thus making the community as a whole stronger.  It’s quite beautiful, really.

The 'Stupid Gene': Kind Of A Bummer, But Necessary For The Greater Good

Presumably it’s not as beautiful for those pirates afflicted with DDD, scores of whom perish each month at the hands of navy personnel or well-armed merchant seamen.  Dr. Haagerdäddi counters, “No one cares what stupid people think.”

But scientists do care how stupid people act.  If further scientific research does uncover proof of a ‘Stupid Gene,’ it will go a long way toward answering questions which have for centuries bedeviled philosophers, social scientists and other observers of slackjawed halfwits.

Super-Intelligent Stalker Sharks Plotting Bloody ‘Dorsal Dawn’

08 Thursday Apr 2010

Posted by in Critters, General Foolishness, Humor

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By Smaktakula

Recent discoveries have confirmed scientists’ long-standing fears regarding the dangers sharks pose to humanity.  Evidence from this research suggests that the threat of shark-on-human violence has never been more prevalent than it is today.  Several disturbing trends point to not only an increase in anti-human behavior, but also evidence of a of sophistication and coordination among the shark community far more advanced than what scientists had previously believed.

He May Look Cuddly, But In Reality He Is A Killing Machine.

The popular image of sharks in the public’s conciousness has undergone many transformations in the nearly forty years since Peter Benchley’s Jaws was first published.  Originally poorly-understood as mysterious and perhaps even supernatural sea monsters, sharks began to be seen as soulless eating machines in the wake of Benchley’s thriller and the Stephen Spielberg-helmed film it inspired.

More recently, led by shark apologists such as Benchley himself, the public perception of these creatures has softened, now depicting these blood-maddened killers as complex alpha-predators, the shark being not a monster to be dreaded, but a necessary spoke in the great wheel of life.

For years, critics have charged that this approach was naive and even dangerous.  Science may have bourne them out.    Recent film evidence shows sharks have begun stalking kayakers.  Even more chilling is the observation by scientists in South Africa that sharks select their prey in a manner similar to that of human serial killers.

A recently discovered photo may be the tipping point in the public consciousness, the final insult which will force humanity to stand up and take notice of the oncoming threat.  The photo appears to show some sort of terrestrial shark–or landshark–preparing to devour former celebrity and current Canadian Dan Aykroyd:

Candygram!

Until recently, the sharks have been content to take humans in ones and twos.  Incontrovertible evidence shows that their attacks are becoming more bold, and that sharks show increasing signs that they are set to rise up in a united show of force.  Humanity’s bloody reckoning increasingly seems like a when, and not an if.

Humanity has the numbers; it’s not yet too late to stem the tide of the sharks’ toothy advance.  However, only when the world reaches a fever-pitch shark hysteria as it did in the weeks following the premier of Jaws, will society be taking this threat for what it is worth.  The longer this awakening is delayed, the smaller the chance that humanity will be ready for the Dorsal Dawn.

Promethean Notions For Wicked Boys And Girls: Dandelions

07 Wednesday Apr 2010

Posted by in Culture, General Foolishness, Humor, Literature, Plantlife, Poetry

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By Smaktakula

DANDELIONS

 

When the vinegary old lady

who lives next door

shakes her cane at you and hollers

that nasty children mustn’t run through her yard

because of  her beautiful flowers

which you’ll ruin with your horsey feet,

run away far and fast

leaving only the ghost of your laughter as an echo.

Much later,

when the bent and lonely old lady next door

has shuffled into her home to watch her stories on the television

and not to be bothered with her garden

until the sun has warmed the earth again,

gather dandelions from a secret space

and place them in a bucket

 until it churns and brims with dandelion cumulus,

and then secretly, quietly

so that the stories she watches are louder than your silent feet,

creep back to the old woman’s yard

 and into her beautiful garden.

Then hurl the bucket,

let fly the froth and foam

so that wisps hang in the late April air

like a February snowfall,

and then plummet in their thousands

 upon the dark, rich accepting soil

of the mean old neighbor lady’s garden

for good luck.