Category Archives: Celebrity

Headlines: Badly-Named And Born To Kill

14 Friday Jun 2013

Posted by in Celebrity, Crime, Headlines, Politics, Religion, Science, Stupidity

≈ 18 Comments

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By Smaktakula

His Crime? That Fucking Name.

In which we celebrate our ignorance by commenting on the headlines of news stories we can’t be bothered to actually read.

***

Only Children: Lonely and Selfish? ~ Sounds like someone had to wear hand-me-downs again this year. Loser.

Obama won’t let daughters date sans Secret Service protection ~ We’re pretty sure that every father wishes an entire federal agency were tasked with securing his daughters’ virginity.

Study: Why Pot Smokers Are Skinnier ~ Smaktakula is just 25 pounds away from weighing 1/8th of a ton. Make of that what you will.

There’s More to Life Than Freezing Your Eggs ~ But paradoxically, if you have to be told that, then no, there isn’t.

Study Reports Disinfecting ICU Patients Could Reduce Infections ~ Somebody spent time and money to determine that infections could be reduced by taking measures to reduce them. Unless this study was conducted by kindergartners, it’s time to set those research goals a little higher.

“Fluids Help Prevent Dehydration.” That’s Why He Went To Medical School, Folks.

Rashida Jones: Sorry for saying John Travolta should ‘come out’ ~ Plus, it got totally taken out of context. All she meant to say was that John Travolta is actually a gay man who is only pretending to be heterosexual, and that he should stop doing that.

Baby boomers are killing themselves at an alarming rate, begging question: Why? ~ Right, ‘Why?’ as in ‘Why look a gift horse in the mouth?’

Review: Firing of ex-LAPD officer Dorner justified ~ Oh, you mean the firing of that dude who subsequently went on a murderous rampage? Thanks for looking into that.

Europeans All Related by Genetic Footprint Dating Back Only 1000 Years Ago ~ So there’s no difference between, say, a German and a Frenchman? That’s a hell of a thing to say.

When to Do Surgery on a Child With ‘Both’ Genitalia ~YAAAAGHHH! Immediately! Do it now! Right now!

Like Richard Gere And His Gerbils, Once You’ve Heard That Rumor, You Just Can’t Look At Jamie Lee The Same Way.

3 Kids Electrocuted While Swimming Points To A Shockingly Common Danger ~ Insensitive puns? Stupid people? It points to a couple, actually.

Why Penis Pictures Aren’t Pretty ~ It’s tough to take a pleasing picture when your subject is a bald, wrinkly, one-eyed trousersnake, and kind of a cock.

The gay airman who took on the US military ~ A truly heroic undertaking, but not without its consequences: he’s gonna walk that way for the rest of his life.

Chelsea Handler Gets Gentile Kiss From BF ~ What’s a ‘Gentile Kiss?’ Is that like oral sex? Because the Jewish girls we used to know wouldn’t do that.

Can a Christian watch ‘Game of Thrones’? ~ If that Christian ponies up the cash for HBO, he or she can watch quite easily.

Plus, If You Squint, He Kinda Looks Like Jesus.

Single mother’s simple error earns her $14 million lottery prize ~ Simple Johnny’s mom has been a lot nicer to him ever since he picked the winning numbers for her lottery ticket.

Race tied after candidate’s wife doesn’t vote ~ Candidate immediately softens his stance on domestic violence.

Guantanamo inmate: Obama has abandoned us ~ Oh, he did that back in January 2009. Don’t feel bad; it’s not only you who’s just now figuring that out.

Top 9 Things You Should Never Say To A Single Mom ~ “Wanna go out?”

3-Inch Fossil Holds Clue to Human Split From Apes ~ There’s no mystery behind the split. The reason our two species diverged–and I’m not trying to be disrespectful, I’m just laying it all out on the table–was because the apes were holding us back. I mean, look–it’s been like a great-gazillion years since then, and they’re STILL living in trees and pass the time by pelting one another with well-aimed clods of their own poo. Meanwhile, humans have not only journeyed to the moon and divined the secrets of the atom, we’ve also hunted some of those ape motherfuckers almost to the point of extinction. Homo Sapiens, BEYOTCH! 

If It Bleeds, We Can Kill It.

Headlines: Eat Like A Bird

04 Tuesday Jun 2013

Posted by in Celebrity, Crime, Culture, Entertainment, Headlines, News, Politics, Science, Stupidity

≈ 31 Comments

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By Smaktakula

No, We’re Not Going To Use This As A Cheap Opportunity To Poke Fun At Nigeria. People Have To Live In That Lightless Hellhole, You Know.

In which we comment on the day’s headlines without bothering to first read the stories.

***

What does it really feel like to fall out of a building? ~ It hurts real bad.

How ACL Injuries Are Detected on the Field  ~Healthcare providers first look for an athlete lying on the field in a fetal position, cradling his or her knee and screaming.

What Birds Teach Us About Babies ~ That babies love nothing better than having hot food puked directly into their waiting little mouths.

8 things to know about L.A.’s Koreatown ~ The two most important ones are to leave your dog at home and to make sure your auto policy includes collision coverage.

Help! My Cousin Won’t Tell Her Boyfriend She Used To Be a Man. ~ Which is why we make it a point to ask our dates for childhood photos as well as for bus fare home.

Man Accused of Raping Duck — Yes, Man Accused of Raping Duck ~ There’s no need to write that twice. We could have just reread the line if we were into that kind of thing.

After What They’ve Been Doing To Our Women For Years, We Say It’s About Time The Ducks Got A Taste Of Their Own Medicine.

Woman is Set On Fire During a C-section ~ Well if you think a C-section is painful, you should try giving birth vaginally.

It’s Official: She’s Pregnant! ~“And I’m officially joining the Peace Corps and flying off to Borneo, perhaps never to return. Isn’t that just the wildest coincidence ever?”

I’m Not Pregnant, I’m Just Fat ~ Well, in a very real way you’ve been knocked-up by Yoo-Hoo and jelly doughnuts.

Incredibly Humanlike New Species of Blond Monkey Discovered in Congo ~ So you’re saying this blond monkey is somehow superior to all his monkey brethren and it is incumbent upon him to someday rule them all with an iron monkey fist? Heavy.

Bad news: Jimmy Carter comes out against marijuana legalization ~ You were a shitty president, Jimmy–a shitty, shitty president.

Spelling Bee Champ Ponders Next Move ~ Avoiding the bully who’s waiting to kick his little ass the moment he steps down from the podium.

Look, You Can’t Deny It. This Kid Is Just BEGGING To Have His Ears Boxed And Maybe Get Stuffed Into His Own Locker. “Where’s Your Theory Of Relatives Now, Eisenstein?”

Why Poor People Are Still Dying for Our T-Shirts ~ ‘Cause our T-Shirts are hella cool!

Woman convicted of torture, mayhem for severing husband’s penis ~We are opponents of capital punishment, believing it to be unnecessary and cruel, and that moreover it has proven ineffective in deterring crime. However, in this instance we feel wholly justified in gleefully wishing death upon this malicious tallywhacker snatcher.

Piercing a Baby’s Ear: The Latino Dilemma ~ It’s not ‘Whether to learn Inglés?’

The man who split Obama’s lip speaks ~ “They’ll tell you that the worst thing about Guantanamo Bay is the food, but really, it’s the heat.”

Time Magazine Will Not Tell You How to Cure Cancer ~ Then Time Magazine can go fuck itself.

Honey Boo Boo’s Parents Not Legally Married ~ How unfortunate. Hopefully this revelation won’t turn the young girl’s life into some kind of degrading spectacle.

But For Her Sake, Promise Us That You’ll Continue To Comport Yourself With Dignity And Class.

Sucking Your Child’s Pacifier Clean May Have Benefits ~ Ha! No, not really. We just wanted to see if you’d try it. Where’s your dignity?

Can Sufism defuse radical Islam? ~ Sufis don’t make a habit of blowing shit up, so probably not.

How Much Do You Know About Alzheimer’s Disease? ~ “I’ve forgotten more about Alzheimer’s than you’ll ever know!”

For a Nation of Whiners, Therapists Try Tough Love ~ The results? Whining.

10 of the Worst Prisons in the World—Only 5 Are American ~ Damn. We would have thought at least seven or eight would be domestic products. It’s true: the American Century has at last come to an end.

Up Close with the Clitoris ~ “Up close” isn’t really the best way to see it.

Did Amanda Bynes Attack Rihanna On Twitter? ~ Twitter is a text-based platform that only allows a user to post words and images. So no, she didn’t, and just asking makes you a pussy.

So Do You See The Difference Between Your Feelings And Your Face Now? You Can Bet Your Ass Rihanna Does.

10 Ways Japan Can Add 8.2 Million Women to the Work Force ~ # 6: Kill 8.2 million dudes.

Princess Kate undergoes hypnotherapy to treat food aversion ~ In the United Kingdom a food aversion is also called “common sense.”

Best Birth Control for Older Women ~ Being an older woman.

How to Beat LeBron James ~ We recommend using no fewer than two lead pipes and maybe a bicycle chain.

Sri Lankan inmate stashes phone in rectum ~ It sounds painful, we know. But don’t worry–it wasn’t HIS rectum.

What women don’t want: ‘Run boobies, run!’ ~ Guys don’t want that either! We want those suckers right where we can see ’em.

We’ve Got Your Back. Figuratively Speaking.

***

Headlines: Why Not Miss Saigon?

07 Tuesday May 2013

Posted by in Celebrity, Crime, Culture, Headlines, History, Religion, Sport, Stupidity

≈ 35 Comments

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By Smaktakula
Words to Live By

Much Like A Tramp-Stamp Which Reads “WHORE,” This Is A Great Example Of Truth In Advertising.

In which we comment on the day’s headlines without first bothering to read the articles.

***

Iraq religious leaders send out the ‘fashion police’ to stop people … ~ So they really have those? We thought that was just something that people said.

In Vt., long-dead mental patients inspire crusade ~ A crusade to put those undead abominations back in their graves where they belong.

The road ahead for amputees ~ Needs to be very level. Seriously–more ramps, fewer steps.

Powerball at $500 million: What to do if you win ~ Don’t tell your loser relatives, that’s for damn sure.

Cynthia Cooper-Dyke expects big things for USC women’s basketball ~ Hey! Just because she’s a female head basketball coach doesn’t mean we should rush to judgement. Until we know more, let’s give Cynthia Cooper the benefit of the doubt.

10 purr-fect vacations for cat lovers ~ So you’ll be travelling alone then?

All That Pussy And No One To Share It With.

Angelina Jolie Ruins Jennifer Aniston’s Happiness. Once Again ~ Awesome!

Harry Styles Shows Off Bonus Nipples ~ His mother was a Shi Tzu.

Man with bionic leg to climb Chicago skyscraper ~ He should just leap over it. Get it? ‘Cause he has a bionic leg! Okay, we probably should have saved that one for ‘the duds.’

Hitchhiker saves the day with hatchet ~ Which is why we make it a point ONLY to pick up hitchhikers who openly display their hatchets.

10 Surprising Ways to Avoid Nursing Home Care ~ Number one is to croak in a timely fashion.

An All-Asian Version of ‘Hello, Dolly!’ ~ Oh come on! You pick a play whose title JUST HAPPENS TO BE the two English words which sound funniest when spoken with an Asian accent, and you expect us to believe that’s just a coincidence?

“HERRO DORRY!”

Dear Melissa King, I wish you the best ~ Have you noticed that when people say that they almost never seem to mean it?

Who Actually Earns $400,000 Per Year? ~ Obviously not you, loser.

Muslim Man In France Seeks To Open Mosque For Gays ~ IT’S A TRAP!!!!

Eight Bad Brushing Habits That Harm Your Teeth ~ #4 All brushes are not the same. Please put that back in the caddy next to the crapper.

5 Little-Talked-About Risks of One-Night Stands ~ Marriage. You can’t forget marriage.

The Chosen Few: A New Explanation of Jewish Success ~ The Almighty plays favorites. What are you gonna do?

It’s Been An Open Secret For Years.

FBI shares last thoughts of a murder addict ~ KILL! KILL! KILL FOR THE LOVE OF KILLING!

10 Tips for Keeping a House Clean Despite ADHD ~ You mean keeping MOM’s house clean. You don’t own your own home, spazwit.

4 female war veterans sue US military over policy against women in combat~ “We long for a day in which perhaps not all of us would be alive to sue you.”

Wussification of our young men is finally complete ~ That you were afraid to write ‘pussification’ validates your thesis.

16 Songs Everyone Over 50 Must Own ~ Chopin’s Funeral March is an obvious choice.

Pope tweets about his favorite Christmas tradition ~ Snorting big rails of coke off a hooker’s ass.

SEE? Only MOST Of What We Have To Say Is Pure Bullshit.

Damascus shelled hours before scheduled truce ~ Yeah, surprisingly, experts contend that most of the bloodshed during a war occurs BEFORE a truce. It often drops off precipitously afterward.

Children in sect had never seen sunlight ~ ‘Sect’ is a Seattle neighborhood.

Novartis loses Indian patent fight ~ Will try to patent Pakistanis instead.

Tony Award goes to ‘Clybourne Park’ ~ What’s a ‘Tony?’ Never mind–we don’t care.

UN report proposes moratorium on killer robots ~ Well, that’s what we’ve come to expect from the United Nations. Decisive actions on the issues that matter.

Youth smoking ants to get high ~ Oh, for God’s sake–will you just legalize weed already?

But If You Must Smoke ‘Em, It’s Healthiest To Use A Vaporizer.

Somehow–Some Way–We Will Go On

06 Saturday Apr 2013

Posted by in Celebrity, Culture, Entertainment, Literature, News

≈ 18 Comments

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By Smaktakula

“Now Who Will Tell Me What To Think Of The Movies I Watch?”

The world has lost two very special people in recent days, both of whom made significant contributions to popular culture and the arts. There will be others who will follow in the trails these men blazed and perhaps forge paths of their own, leading us into mysterious lands yet undreamed. But never again will we see the likes of these two.

Shane Gandee: The cretinous reality TV yob is believed to have perished along with two other yokels of carbon monoxide poisoning.

His Corpse Was Discovered In A Twenty-Year-Old Pickup Partially Submerged In Mud, So You Know He Died Doing What He Loved, Y’All.

Roger Ebert: The beloved film critic and prosthetics enthusiast succumbed to a lengthy battle with cancer.

After Penning The Cult Oddity “Beyond The Valley Of The Dolls,” Ebert Realized His Was Genius Lay Not In Creating Films, But In Telling People How To Feel About Films Other People Created.

Goodbye, dear friends, goodbye. The arts are poorer for your loss.

Also, for the sake of completeness, some dude from Africa, Chinua Achebe, kicked off a couple of weeks ago. No, we hadn’t heard of him either–he wrote a book or something.

Well, Sure–He May Have Been The Greatest Literary Voice In The History Of An Entire Continent, But Roger Ebert Was The Greatest Movie Critic In The Whole World.

Headlines: When Pigs Float

01 Monday Apr 2013

Posted by in Celebrity, Crime, Culture, Entertainment, Headlines, History, Music, News

≈ 43 Comments

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By Smaktakula

Ha! Tell Me About It. There’s A “Steve” Story About This Very Thing!

Because we learn everything we need to know about the world from the headlines of the day!

***

Police remove woman who yelled ‘Boring!’ during symphony ~ She’s only saying what everybody’s thinking.

The kilogram has gained weight ~ It sounds like maybe that European diet isn’t so healthy after all.

Hi there. What’s your sign? Have any STDs? ~ Smaktakula. Virgo. Genital wa…frankly, I don’t think that’s any of your business.

Teen narrowly escapes death after smoking synthetic marijuana ~ Coming within inches of claiming its first confirmed kill is quite an achievement considering that synthetic marijuana has only been around for about ten years or so. Real marijuana’s been around since the beginning of time and has never even come close to that level of lethality.

Girl who performed for Obama shot dead in Chicago ~ Look, it may seem a little harsh, but there’s the expectation that you’ll bring your A-game when you perform for the President.

Desperate dog makes 2-mile trek to find owner ~ I’m sorry, did you just say ‘two miles?’ TWO FUCKING MILES? Does the name Balto mean anything to you? Dammit, somebody fetch me a rolled-up newspaper!

“Is This What Has Become Of My Once-Proud People?”

Bodies of missing Mexican band members found in well. ~ So it sounds like all’s well that ends…sorry. Let’s try to put this one behind us, okay?

Court: Calif. may have to hire Wiccan chaplains ~ The First Amendment: No longer just for ‘real’ faiths.

What is “Mrs.” short for? … ~ The Mister’s!

Should You Start Your Own Chicken Coop? ~ If you give even a moment of your time to serious consideration of this question, then you’re a fucking nitwit.

Teen girl’s killing ignites widespread outrage: ‘Why did it have to be her’ ` Everybody was hoping it would be that little bitch Emily Dawkins from over on 11th Ave.

David Arquette Gives Adam Lambert B-Day Lap Dance ~ THIS JUST IN: Adam Lambert announces he is now straight.

Oh, It’s Assault For Sure, Not Least To The Senses.

A Cat’s 200-Mile Trek Home Leaves Scientists Guessing ~ That dog is looking less impressive by the second.

Why Do We Pay Waiters Better Than God? ~ Because God works for free, and even a dude from Honduras won’t do that.

Depressed teens mostly struggle alone ~ Well, sure–who wants to waste his or her life palling around with a Weepy Willy or Suzie So-Sad?

Dead pigs in Shanghai water supply don’t ring alarm bells for Chinese officials ~ “What? You no like sweet & sour pork?”

First Person: It’s Hard to Send a Pet to Heaven ~ It gets a lot easier once you’ve stepped out of bed and into a steaming coil of dog poop three days in a row.

Sexist Men Like Big Boobs? Male Attitudes May Predict Breast Size Preference … ~ So men who don’t find you attractive are pigs. Is that what you’re getting at, A-Cup?

Look, You Guys Don’t Know Kylie Like I Do. She’s Super-Smart And Really, Really Funny. I Just Enjoy Spending Time With Them. With Her. I Enjoy Spending Time With Her.

UK One Of The Most Unhealthiest Western European Nations, Study Says ~ The study notes, however, that they have the most bestest grammar.

Customers want to know why Subway’s footlong subs aren’t 12 inches ~ Men already know the answer to that one.

Arizona Program Helps Latino Parents Navigate School System ~ They can find their way through the vast and unforgiving Sonoran Desert in the dead of a moonless night, but a third-rate educational system apparently poses too great a challenge.

13 Things Your Child’s Teacher Won’t Tell You ~ One, obviously, is that the little turd’s a halfwit, and that he oughtn’t set his vocational aspirations any higher than “seasonal laborer.”

Dolphins Call Each Other By Name ~ Curiously, all dolphins seem to have the same name, “E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E!”

Women mistakenly shot in Calif. manhunt get apology and promise of a new truck ~ Hey, an apology! Most folks unlucky enough find themselves on the receiving end of American federal aggression just get the promises.

“You Had Better Hope They Don’t Find Gold In That Truck, Honey, Or Believe Me–They Will Snatch That Shit Back With A Quickness.”

Is ADHD a phony disorder? ~ Only the part about it being a disorder.

Christopher Dorner: Sparing housekeepers led to undoing ~ Oh my God, that is like Psycho-On-A-Rampage 101, dude! You ALWAYS grease the housekeeper. No exceptions, man.

Sibling fights may lead to depression, self-esteem issues ~ So it’s your fault Jenny can’t get her fat ass off the couch long enough to fill out a job application.

I’d rather hire a foreigner – they ‘push themselves more’ ~ I’d rather hire a local–they ‘converse more easily in English.’

Stop Pretending Disabled People Don’t Commit Crimes ~The annals of criminal history are replete with handi-capable hoodlums like “Palsy” Johnson, Twitchin’ Jimmy Reddenbacher and Mickey the Leper.

Limousine driver dies after striking pedestrian ~ The pedestrian, reporter Clark Kent, was said to be shaken but unharmed following the accident.

You Should Know–He’s Not A Very Nice Guy.

Palm Sunday Papal Headlines

24 Sunday Mar 2013

Posted by in Celebrity, Culture, Culture, Headlines, History, News, Religion

≈ 14 Comments

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By Smaktakula

At Last! A Return To Blood Sacrifice!

In which we remark upon the headlines of articles we haven’t bothered to read, and pontificate upon a pontiff we know nothing about.¹

***

Pope Francis starts first full day as pontiff with prayer ~ He’s the fucking pope–he’s pretty much obligated to start EVERY day off like that.

Your Wife Must Be So Proud.

US Catholics want a younger, more liberal pope ~ Yeah, we’ll bet they do.

Survey: Africans ready for African Pope ~ Yeah, we’ll bet they are.

It’s Time for a Queer-Friendly Pope ~ Yeah, we’ll bet…oh, we get it now–you’re  fucking with us. Good one! Our money’s on the African pope anyway.

There Is No Room In The Catholic Church For Homosexuality (Which We Strictly Interpret To Mean Sexual Relations Between Two Adult Males).

Pope’s Culture Club Masks Conclave Packed With Benedict’s Clones ~ Does this seem to you like a bunch of random words just sorta tossed together?

Which Catholic Church? ~ Ideally, the one that doesn’t bugger little boys.

Is the Catholic Church’s Future in Africa? ~ Unlikely. Africans aren’t any fonder of pederasty than anyone else.

Because Priests Like To Fu…You’re Right–We Should Have Stopped A While Ago. Apologies.

What Lies Ahead for Pope Benedict Post-Abdication ~ Pussy. Fathomless oceans of pussy stretching to the hither and yon, as far as the eye can see.

What? The Former Pope Is An Old Man, And It’s A Scientific Fact That Old People Like Cats. Real Mature, People.

¹And there, friends, is a great example of when to break the “don’t-end-your-sentences-with-prepositions rule.” But generally, try not to do that–it makes you sound dismueducated. ∞ T.

Headlines: In Fact, Yes We Did

10 Thursday Jan 2013

Posted by in Celebrity, Cinema, Crime, Culture, Entertainment, Headlines, History, Music, News, Politics, Science, Sport, Stupidity

≈ 33 Comments

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By Smaktakula

“Yes, Bonnie–Mr. Clinton Is Aware Of Your Article. But The Former President Is A Very Busy Man, And We All Think It’s Best If Maybe You Don’t Call Any More.”

In which we comment on the headlines of the day without bothering to read the articles.

***

Are You Coddling Your Grandkids? ~ If you’re not, then you’re a lousy fucking grandparent.

Survey: Chinese Opinions of Obama, U.S. Slipping ~ That’s got to be paraphrased. We challenge you to find a Chinese person who can correctly pronounce the English word ‘slipping.’

Fighting Boredom, Not the Nazis ~ Sure–it’s a lot less lethal for one thing.

India Is Becoming Pakistan ~ Do you mean that India is only pretending to be a US ally and that portions of its intelligence service are actively working to thwart Western aims? Or did you just mean that it’s crowded and smelly? Because that’s not news.

Why I Married a Black Woman ~ It’s a pretty safe bet that anything we come up with will be countered with a swift and unequivocal “OH NO YOU DI’NT!”

But We Didn’t Say Anything! We Just . . . Aw, We’re Fucked, Aren’t We?

Can Robots Bring Manufacturing Jobs Back? ~ For robots, yes.

Men who weren’t strong as boys are more likely to die young as adults: study ~ So weaker specimens are less likely to survive into adulthood? Has anyone told Charles Darwin about this?

HIV helps put girl’s leukemia in remission ~ Hooray?

NFL retirees more likely to have depression and cognitive problems, brain study … ~ And it’s not because they were sad, boring turds to start out with?

Learn Why Her Husband’s Death Convinced Linda to Retire Early ~ Because the sudden loss at last brought home to her the beautiful fragility of every human life, and taught Linda that to truly be alive, one must truly live. That and the massive insurance payout.

Which Is Why We Refuse To Buy Life Insurance. Our Loved Ones Shouldn’t Be Subjected To That Kind Of Temptation.

Humans Said Cheese 7500 Years Ago ~ According to Dictionary.com, the word appeared sometime around 1000 CE, so somebody’s lying.

Delayed 911 response a matter of geography and jurisdictions ~ Meaning, if you live in the ‘hood, better put some ice on that. It might take a while.

Prosecutors: Redmond man caught on tape raping dogs ~ The perp claims that the sex was consensual, and that when he asked the bitch how she liked it, she said ‘rough.’

Call Girl Culture: High-priced prostitution one of Hollywood’s dirty little secrets ~ Well, that may be news in Mayberry, Sheriff Andy, but it’s hardly a secret to folks who grew up wearing shoes.

Former Pirates owner tells Times he’s gay ~ As if hanging with all those pirates hadn’t clued us in a long time ago.

Even The Cast Of GLEE Playing Tetherball With The Teletubbies While Belting Out Showtunes On The Back Of A Pink Unicorn That’s Prancing Around A Maypole Couldn’t Outgay This Pirate Queen.

Alabama man fights to keep wife buried in front yard ~ Boy howdy! Does he EVER. But that no-good hound-dog of his won’t stop digging up Amy-LaVonne’s corpse and re-burying it down by the crick.

Ellen Degeneres Speaks Out Against “That Time of the Month” Jokes ~ Yikes!–sounds like SOMEBODY’s on the rag.

‘A sad day for people with disabilities’ ~ “But on the other 364 days of the year, I thank God that a Pepsi truck crushed my legs.”

Camp Pendleton works to save species in peril ~ Which was a challenge for the Marines, as what they mostly do is kill things.

The Space Shuttle Endeavour rolls along Crenshaw Drive ~ This just in–Space Shuttle Endeavour is missing!

Insurance Will Take Care Of Everything But Your Deductible, But You Can Forget About The Resale Value.

Teacher: ‘I wanted to be the last thing they heard, not the gunfire’ ~ “And to make sure they heard me over all the racket, I yelled ‘Bang! Bang! Bang!'”

Worried about Lady Gaga’s weight gain? Chill, she isn’t ~ Sorry, we weren’t listening. We were trying to figure out why Kirstie Alley sounds like Lady Gaga all of a sudden.

Mark Hamill weighs in on the future of ‘Star Wars’ — EXCLUSIVE ~ “They said they might let me sweep up around the set!”

Rolling Stones kick off 50th anniversary tour ~ The only thing those testosterone-drenched septuagenarians should be kicking is either a habit or the bucket.

The $250 Halloween treat ~ Cocaine!

Best Avoided: It’s Pretty Pricey, And Worse, Turns You Into An Asshole. Weed, On The Other Hand, Is A Lot Less Likely To Result In A Domestic Abuse Arrest. That’s All We’re Saying.

Headlines 12.10.12

10 Monday Dec 2012

Posted by in Celebrity, Culture, Entertainment, Headlines, History, Science, Stupidity

≈ 24 Comments

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By Smaktakula

Once A Staple In Grocery Store Check-Out Aisles Across The Nation, The Weekly World News’ Folksy Exaggerations And Fanciful Tales Were No Match For The Real-Time Prevarications And High-Tech Lies Being Spread Around The Clock By The Likes Of FOX News And MSNBC.

In which we base our comments solely on the headlines. We leave the actual reading to society dames, old people and the friendless sissy boys who enjoy that kind of thing.

***

7 Reasons Your Neighbors Have More Money Than You ~ They’re simply better people and deserve to lead more pleasant and exciting lives. That’s why.

Octomom AVN Awards: Nadya Suleman ‘Blown Away’ By Porn Award Nomination ~ This is the first time we can recall feeling sorry for legitimate porn actors. It also marks the first time we’ve thought of them as in any way ‘legitimate.’

Post-Katrina funds run dry ~ First of all, ha ha–‘dry’–classy. Secondly, New Orleans has been crashing on the national couch for about seven years now; maybe it’s time it got up and went looking for a job. That carton of Newports didn’t buy itself, you know.

Tragedies can’t break heroic NY community’s spirit ~ After Hollywood, has there ever in the annals of recorded history been a city so embarrassingly self-aware and so achingly in need of constant acknowledgement than NYC?

Help! My Grandma Thinks I’m Not Her Son’s Biological Child ~ Look, you’ve got to understand that Grandma’s way of thinking stems from a bygone era. Back in her day a child could still expect a good public school education, so she’s pretty smart.

Saving Somalia: A wasted effort? ~Well, we feel bad saying it, but yeah, don’t you kinda think so?

They Made A Movie About The Last Time We Were There, Which Most Likely Means We Won.

Great White sharks are not dangerous according to daring photographer ~ Okay, be honest now: Who out there isn’t hoping this clown gets gobbled up in a spectacularly messy fashion?

The Island Where People Forget to Die ~ If that really worked, the world would be up to its ass in Alzheimer patients.

Ohio 16-year-old dead after fight with another girl over flatulence ~ FART FIGHT!

Community colleges’ promise meets bitter reality ~ Kids–for real promise, go to real college.

Edward Archbold Cockroach-eating contest winner dies moments after … ~ As if the lame-ass name weren’t bad enough, the ridiculous, undignified death is the icing on the cake. They’re gonna kick you around a bit in heaven, so be ready for that.

Polio: The UN’s Fierce Fight to End the Ancient Scourge ~ Rest easy, folks. With the UN on the case, we almost feel sorry for polio.

Solved Ages Ago. Seriously, When Was The Last Time You Heard Somebody Even MENTION Darfur?

In Des Moines, Turning Off Weather Beacon Unleashes Storm ~ It’s so cute–they really BELIEVE that!

Learning French Is Like Learning Baseball ~ Except that you get more stinky doing it.

Albert Einstein’s Brain May Provide Clues To His Genius, Study Says ~ Nothing better illustrates the contemporary need for an intellect like Einstein’s than the sad fact that scientists are seeking to determine if the brilliant physicist owed his world-class mind to the great big learnin’ muscle inside his skull.

When the Arab Jews Fled ~ Man, when DIDN’T they?

Traci Lords: I Want To Teach My Son To ‘Use His Penis For Good And Not Evil’ ~ The penis does not distinguish between arbitrary human concepts like ‘good’ and ‘evil.’ The penis is the lawgiver. Oh, and Traci’s a fucking halfwit.

Scientists: Genes, not sun, behind redheads’ increased melanoma risk ~ That and the Lord’s disfavor. Can’t forget about the Lord’s disfavor.

And They All Kinda Look Like That Creepy Homicidal Plaything, ‘Chucky The Killer Doll’ From Child’s Play.

The Absurd and Outrageous Trial of Pussy Riot ~ Well, it’s pretty much a given that any forum in which “Pussy” is uttered roughly 3,218 times will be a somewhat less-than-dignified affair.

Alabama man raped his niece while her father watched, police officer testifies ~ The detail which has so far proved most vexing to the investigators is that there appears to have been only one man at the scene of the crime.

In Haiti, Sandy Leaves Behind Death and Devastation ~ More death and devastation, that is. Let’s not pretend the place was Beverly Hills before that hurricane showed up.

A Surfer Waits for a Wave—in Idaho ~ Hope you brought a book, brah.

Give Pot a Chance ~ That’s all we’re saying.

For Asians, School Tests Are Vital Steppingstones ~ “But rest of you all dummies! And so lazy! You lazy dummies all work for me someday!”

Oh, Snap! By That Same Logic, I Guess I Don’t Really Drive An Automobile With Quite As Much Skill As I Think I Do.

How Old is your Dog in Human Years ~ Rusty’s four, moron. The tricky one is ‘dog years.’

10 things trick-or-treaters won’t say ~ “Why, sure!~–I’d be delighted to sip warm Jesus Juice in your basement while you give me a shoulder rub.”

The Elmo Scandal … Forget the Kids, Poor Us! ~ Is your life truly so bereft of real human experience that a scandal involving an imaginary character can so fundamentally undermine the foundation upon which your sense of self rests?

Cops: Bargain-hunter took home TV, left tot ~ That IS a bargain. Think of all the money he’s gonna save over the next sixteen years or so.

Help! My Husband Is Transitioning to a Woman ~ Why don’t YOU help, then? Presumably you’ve had some experience being a chick.

Size does matter in bed, study shows ~ So despite what she tells you, thumbdick, you leave her restless and achingly unfulfilled.

In Case Anyone Wants To Know (Ladies), We Wear A Size 14. Wide.

We Get It, Ladies: You’re Dying To Know, But Embarrassed To Ask–Size 14. Wide.

The Zeitgeist Has Forsaken Tardsie

03 Monday Dec 2012

Posted by in Celebrity, Culture, Entertainment, True-Ass Tales

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By Tardsie

Apparently This Space-Waster Is A Recent American Idol Winner. We’re None The Richer For The Knowledge.

The following recent conversation between my wife and I should illustrate the vast and yawning gulf that separates my psyche from the popular culture. I had just learned that an acquaintance of my in-laws had worked closely in some capacity with entertainer Shania Twain.

When You Find Yourself Nostalgic For The Days Of Pauly Shore, Andrew “Dice” Clay And Max Headroom, You Know The Culture’s In A Sad State.

Tardsie: Shania Twain. Is she the chick from American Idol?

Mrs. Tardsie: I don’t know, but that doesn’t sound right.

Tardsie: Then is she the one married to that country music guy? You know, the pitcher’s son, whatsizname–Tim McGraw?

Mrs. Tardsie: I don’t know…(Stabs at her iPhone for a few moments)…No, it says he’s married to Faith Hill.

Tardsie: Isn’t that the chick from the Fugees?

And It’s Not Such A Stretch Either That One Of These Guys Could Be Named “Shania.”

Headlines 11.02.12

02 Friday Nov 2012

Posted by in Celebrity, Crime, Culture, Entertainment, Headlines, News, Politics, Sport, Stupidity

≈ 21 Comments

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By Smaktakula

Yeah, That’s Pretty Damn Easy For You To Say, But Real People Are Affected By This Tragedy. For One Thing, The Guy Who Lives There Owes Us $13.75!

In which we showcase our unparalleled knack for expounding authoritatively upon a broad range of topics about which we remain not only ignorant, but deliberately so.

We lose interest after the headlines.

***

Deaf dolphin rescued in La. will get new home in Miss.  ~ It appears to be the result of a misdiagnosis. Veterinarians originally classified the hearing-impaired cetacean as “retarded,” and Mississippi just seemed the obvious choice.

Waiting till the wedding night – getting married the right way ~ Absolutely. ‘Cause every young man dreams of someday spending his wedding night asking “What does this button do?”

Tigers’ pain: Omar Infante’s wrist broken; so is Alex Avila’s heart ~ Hopefully they’ll be distracted bu the knowledge that in meekly allowing the San Francisco Giants to figuratively bugger them in the course of sweeping the 2012 World Series they have not only brought further shame to an already ignominious and blighted city, but wounded the venerable heart of baseball itself.

Do Pigs Intentionally Kill People? ~ The Revolution’s gonna change all that, Brothas!

Meat Loaf endorses Romney in Ohio ~ Meanwhile, the Obama campaign was buoyed by an endorsement from Casserole. Spinach Salad is expected to back the Green Party candidate again this year.

Are Sexy Halloween Costumes Over? ~ They are for you, Grandma. Grow some dignity.

You Go Ahead And Be Mad At Us All You Want; We’re Doing What We Think Is Right. When Get Your Stomach Under Control We Think You’ll Agree That There Are People Out There Who Desperately Need To See This.

Ashton Kutcher: TV’s highest-paid actor ~ Friends, it’s not for nothing that they call it the ‘idiot box.’

Analysis: Why Both Romney and Obama Campaigns Say They’re Winning ~ Because they’re politicians and they’re accustomed to spouting deliberate falsehoods since they know that about 50% of the electorate will make the conscious decision to buy into the line despite a staggering collection of evidence to the contrary. They don’t really even have to try any more.

Sex researcher’s son charged with exposing self ~“Um…it was for research?”

Eschewing the narrative conventions of the graphic novel ~ Let’s seek some perspective here–you’re talking about comic books. If you absolutely must fancify ’em, we favor the term ‘illiterature.’

Obama’s Prep Session Goal: Don’t Repeat Mistakes of Last Debate ~ “Don’t…Repeat… Same Mistakes…From…Last Time–got it. Hey, that’s pretty smart! I hope we’re paying you a lot of money.”

The Trouble with My Daughter’s DNA ~ “Well, the trouble isn’t so much with your daughter’s DNA, sir; no, her DNA is fine. It’s just that…well, that the…Christ, Mr. Johnson–this is really a conversation you ought to be having with your wife right now.”

We Used To Think That Someday This Might Be Our Future. But Life Swiftly Taught Us That Such Merry Dreams Were Never Meant For The Likes Of Us.

Geneva devastated by monster tsunami, millions at risk ~ You know that’s in Switzerland, right?

What Do Birds Do During a Hurricane? ~ Disintegrate in a spectacular burst of blood, bone and feathers. It’s quite beautiful in its way.

Surfer killed in shark attack died ‘doing something he loved’ ~ It’s true. Mikey often said that his favorite thing in the world was to scream at the top of his lungs while gargling a mouthful of bloody seawater.

Obama’s Best-Kept Secrets ~ Well, not many people seem to know that he smokes Marlboro Reds.¹

Ask Larry: What Do I Do if My Ex Never Paid My Social Security Tax? ~You’re gonna need to get real pretty, real fast or else learn to like the taste of dog food. And while it’s on our mind, who the hell asks a dude named ‘Larry’ about anything other than where’s the best place to buy illegal  fireworks?

Dallas Braden says what everybody thinks about left-handed pitchers ~ They’re all secretly gay. You didn’t know that?

Does It Pay to Become a Teacher? ~ If by ‘pay’ you mean money–then no.

On The Plus Side The Benefits Are Great, You Get Lots Of Time Off, And Nobody Cares If You’re Competent So Long As You Don’t Diddle The 8th Graders.

6-year-old ‘Mrs. Bieber’ loses cancer battle ~ Sadly, she succumbed before she was able to testify, leaving Justin Bieber free to marry a whole kindergarten if he wants to.

Columbian ‘Devil’ baby may actually be victim of abuse, say police. ~ “Or…hold on, now… or what if that’s JUST the kind of story a Colombian Devil Baby would tell to send us all off on a wild goose chase? Gentlemen, I’m beginning to think we’re up against a master tactician.”

North Korean army minister ‘executed with mortar round’ ~ That’s fucking crazy! They’ve still got it, folks.

Video games can fight obesity?  ~ Yeah, just keep telling yourself that, fatty.

Could Obama Become the Next FDR? ~ Listen, you can disagree with the man all you want, but you cross a line when you publicly wish crippling polio on the President of the United States. Not cool, dude.

In Sandy’s wake, can Jersey Shore be saved? ~ CAN it be saved? As in, ‘Is saving the Jersey Shore something we have the ability to do?’ That’s not the question we should be asking ourselves right now, and we think you know it. Go ahead–just say what we’re all thinking.

Dear Garden State Friends, Our Hearts Go Out To…Hold On, Pal…WHAT?…WHAT?…NO, I’M TALKING TO MY FUCKING FRIEND RIGHT NOW, ASSHOLE!…Sorry–Our Hearts Go…Hold On…YEAH, THAT’S WHAT I SAID–YOU HEARD ME SAY IT JUST NOW, RIGHT? WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO, BRO?–Hey Pal, This Might Take A…I’M TALKING TO MY FUCKING FRIEND HERE, OKAY YOU PIECE OF SHIT?”

Help! My Sister Is Being Slut-Shamed by Her Fiancé’s Family. ~ Well, if you wanted to help out a little bit on your end, maybe you could think of a term for it with not so much “slut” and just a tad less “shame.” Hussyrassment? HOranguing? Tramp-Dampening? Whatever you call it, you’re a shitty sister.

‘What’s the Matter With White People?’ ~ Well, they dance like assholes for one thing.

VP debates can kill political careers ~ Just being VP can do that.

Activist floats idea of memorial for fish killed in Irvine crash ~ See folks? Homosexuality is not a prerequisite for being a massive gaywad.

7 Lame Things That Turned Awesome When I Became a Parent ~ 7,000,000 awesome people who turned lame when they became parents.

Biden, President Clinton double team on Romney ~ This will likely build some much-needed bridges between Republicans and Democrats. You just can’t look at a guy the same way after you’ve felt his stubbly chin nestled between your shoulder-blades.

Two Powerful, Driven, Beautiful Men. Fate Made Them Enemies. Love Made Them Something More. Oooh, We’re Getting Goosebumps Just Thinking About It.

¹ In fairness, the president “claims” to have quit in 2011. Why the snarky quotes? Because as a former smoker myself, I know how very hard it can be to wrest oneself from the grip of that pernicious addiction. It’s enough of a chore even without the prospect of a soul-taxing marathon slugfest to avoid the historical ignominy of being a one-termer in what looks to be the closest election since 1960. The FUCK he quit smoking. ∞ T.