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Category Archives: News

When Love Chokes You With Its Nubs

08 Wednesday Jun 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Crime, Culture, News, Stupidity

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

Andy Capp, assholes, bad boyfriends, domestic abuse, domestic violence, douchebaggery, Ike Turner, Jacoby Laquan Smith, jerks, nub-choking, nubs, OJ Simpson, quadruple-amputee, Slimer, Tiesha Bell

By Smaktakula

Jacoby Laquan Smith Has Taken Douchebaggery To Exciting New Heights.

Perhaps only pedophiles garner more societal opprobrium in contemporary society than do violent and abusive men.  However, in perpetrating domestic violence against his girlfriend Tiesha Bell, Jacoby Laquan Smith has leapfrogged the OJs, Ike Turners and Andy Capps to take his rightful place among the all-time greats of in-home thuggery.

The catalyst for the sickening violence came when Bell allegedly blocked Smith’s view of the television.  The ensuing police report depicts a paroxysm off punches, thrown urine and ‘nub-choking’ in which both parties accused the other of domestic violence.  However, in weighing the opposing claims, police have come to discount Smith’s account of violence at the ‘hands’ of his girlfriend, as Bell is a quadruple amputee.

To Be Fair, It Was A Pretty Small TV.

But Smith says that appearances can be deceiving, claiming that the human hockey puck began the affray when she hurled a bedpan of urine at Smith and tried to choke him “with her nubs.”  It was only then, claims the stump fetishist, that he was forced to punch Bell in the face over ten times.

Now, facing domestic abuse charges and the wrath of an entire nation, Smith has added new details to his story.  Sticking to his claim of victimhood, he adds a further detail: Not only did the truncated lovelump attack him, but to add insult to injury, she’s been cheating on him.

Look, I Know He's Slimy, Okay? But I Really Feel Like He Gets Where I'm Coming From.

US Courts Join Forces With Wal-Mart To Kick Dying Man In The Nuts

06 Monday Jun 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Crime, News

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

Cheech Marin, corporate douchebaggery, dope, grass, hemp, Joseph Casias, marijuana, medical marijuana, pot, reefer, stoners, sweet sweet cheeba, Wal-Mart, Walmart, weed

By Smaktakula

The Lengths To Which Some People Will Go To Feed An Addiction Is Simply Shocking.

About a year ago, Wal-Mart was forced to fire cancer-ridden burnout Joseph Casias for flouting the retail giant’s strict drug policy.  No one could have known that the stoner would fight so ferociously for the reefer or that a US district court would be the only thing standing between the America we know and complete cannibachaos in which the world would eventually be remade in the image of a 1970s stoner movie.

It’s not clear exactly  why Casias thought the soulless retail giant would make an exception for his addiction.  By most accounts, Casias believed that he could get blunted behind Michigan’s medical marijuana laws, claiming that the inoperable brain tumor which is killing him somehow justifies his drug use.

If We're Not Careful, This Little Plant Could Undo Everything America's Corporations Have Worked So Hard To Achieve.

Now the US district court has given the ailing cheeba-monkey a little lesson to go along with his unending pain and the mental anguish of facing the end of life at 30: he’s not getting his job back, and he can like it or lump it.

Hopefully this will serve as a growth opportunity for Joseph Casias.  Sure–getting goofy on weed may ameliorate some of Casias’s unspeakable agony, but he lost his job.  Was it worth it, Cheech?

This Stoner Knows That--With The Exception Of The Nausea, Diarrhea, Hair-Loss And Death--He's Got A Pretty Sweet Thing Going.

Get To Know Frank McCourt

31 Tuesday May 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Crime, News, Sport

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Tags

Angela's Ashes, Baseball, cock-knockers, comical despots, Dodger Blue, douchebaggery, Frank McCourt, Los Angeles Dodgers, outright lies, pure evil, short people, Smaktakula's distrust of short people, the other Frank McCourt, treachery

By Smaktakula

"I Totally Bleed Dodger Blue. It IS Blue, Right? Their Color, I Mean."

To the myriad awful things you already knew about loathsome Dodgers owner Frank McCourt–the greed, the douchiness, the being short– let us add one more:

Frank McCourt eats babies.

The Monster Boasts In Print: Frank's First Victim Was A Young Girl Named Angela O'Roarke.

Headlines 05.27.11

27 Friday May 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, Culture, News, Politics, Religion, Sport

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

Apple, Buster Posey, chauvinism, comas, Dewey defeats Truman, Dominique Strauss-Kahn, English isn't a real major, English majors, forgery, God, Harry S Truman, has-beens, headlines, Houston Astros, Ivy League, Jesus freaks, Johnny Depp, Juan Marichal, Judas Iscariot, Los Angeles Dodgers, Mickey Mouse, misogyny, Navy SEALs, New Testament, Oprah Winfrey, porn stars, psychopath, retard, San Francisco Giants, South Carolina, STDs, Stephen Hawking, Steven Tyler, Thomas Dewey, venereal disease

By Smaktakula

In which we respond to the headlines without reading the stories.

Because The Headline Tells You All You Really Need To Know.

***

My Son and West Point — How Did Four Years Pass In the Blink of an Eye? ~ You’ve just awoken from a years-long coma following a grisly accident.  We thought someone had already told you.  Sorry.

Half of New Testament forged, Bible scholar says ~ The culprit appears to be a Jewish revolutionary by the name of Iscariot.

Prevent STDs like a porn star ~ Die of a drug overdose before you’re diagnosed.

Oprah Winfrey signs off after 25 years in daytime talk TV ~ In unrelated news, the American home has suddenly become cleaner, reversing a quarter-century trend.

For Oprah So Loved The World That She Spent A Tiny Bit Of Her Own Money, That Whoever Receives From Her Should Not Whine, But Have Eternal Thanks.

Doomsday Today: Will world end on May 21, 2011? ~ Nope.

Apple triggers ‘religious’ reaction in fans’ brains, report says ~ Apple fans are a lot like Jesus freaks–nice enough people, but not someone you want to be stuck next to on a seven-hour flight.

Stephen Hawking: ‘There is no heaven; it’s a fairy story ~ Look at it from Stephen’s perspective–if there is a God, He fucking HATES Stephen Hawking.

Disproving God Is As Easy As Tying Your Shoes.

Steven Tyler Hits The Studio With Johnny Depp ~ Johnny’s doing his part for ‘Take Your Grandpa To Work’ Day.

French women attack misogyny in Strauss-Kahn case ~ Misogyny, Non! Chauvinism, Oui!

‘R word’ to be removed from S.C. state laws ~ The mentally challenged will now be called ‘persons with intellectual disabilities.’  There’s no way retards will ever be able to understand that.

When it’s time to run for office, fewer women stand up ~ They do the same thing when it’s time to pee.

Navy Fights Mickey Mouse for SEALs Trademark ~ That mouse is fucked.

US Forces Currently Occupy California Adventures, Frontierland and New Orleans. Special Forces Teams Are Attempting To Establish A Foothold In Fantasyland While Shelling General Duck’s Bunkers In Tomorrowland.

How to spot a psychopath ~ He’s the dude in the Holly Hobby dress holding the dripping ax.

Why would-be engineers end up as English majors ~ Because being an English major is easy.  Trust us.

Top Colleges, Largely for the Elite ~ Exclusionary, Ivy-League institutions are being overrun by the privileged children of the world’s elite?  The devil you say!

Why did no one notice the boy was missing? ~ It’s hardly a ringing endorsement for the dynamism of the young man’s personality.

Dodgers fall to Astros in ninth inning: A fan’s reaction ~ San Francisco Giants fans are advised to stay indoors until such time as the Dodgers can eke out a win.

The Public Has Been Led To Believe That Buster Posey’s Ankle Injury Was Caused By A Collision At The Plate.

We’ve done this kind of thing before:

  • Promethean Times Responds To The Headlines
  • Headlines II
  • Headlines III
  • Headlines IV

Lohan: The Time To Hit That Is Now

25 Wednesday May 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, Culture, News

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

celebrities, Celebrity Death Watch, cocaine, Did she jump or was she pushed?, drugs, Flower of American Skankhood, former child stars, IPO, LiLo, Lindsay Lohan, Lindsay's boobs, NSFW, Schnapps, skankery, skanks, tick . . .tick . . .tick, untalented stars

By Smaktakula

Former child star Lindsay Lohan revealed recently in an international statement that she was not currently in a relationship, declaring “I’m available.”  Men and women between the ages of 16-65 who have yet to engage in casual, anonymous sex with a celebrity or semi-celebrity are encouraged to apply.  Millions will enter, and potentially thousands will win.

There exists no accurate way to determine the duration of the opportunity window for just about anybody to bang the Flower of American Skankhood, but it will in all likelihood be extremely short-lived.  Lohan will either stage a comeback, at which point she will return to sexual standards most likely precluding carnal relations with an unemployed Best Buy sales associate, or as is far more likely, she’ll be dead.  Act now!

The Clock Is Ticking. For Quickest Results Bring Coke And Root Beer Schnapps. No, Not Coca-Cola.

Note: Lindsay appears serious about her IPO.  In just-released (and deliciously NSFW) photos, Lindsay displays her considerable assets for those potential buyers who have yet to see them.

Many Surprised By Abrupt Expiration Date On Rapture Humor

24 Tuesday May 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, News, Religion, Stupidity

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

Armageddon, End TImes, expiration date, Facebook, false predictions, Harold Camping, humor, predictions, prognostication, Rapture, stale humor, that trick never works, the unfunnying of America, Twitter, unfunny people, World War I, WWI

By Smaktakula

In Heaven, All The Outfits Will Be Totally Groovy And Outtasite.

Would-be funnymen across the United States and Canada were disheartened this morning to find their Rapture jokes completely depleted of humor.  Many people had come to their places of work Tuesday morning armed with hilarious Armageddon material cribbed from late night talk show hosts. Although the routines had been gut-busters the previous week and still considered moderately-funny as recently as Monday night, the cold and sobering light of Tuesday’s dawn shone revealed a tired and broken joke completely bereft of its zing.

That’s not the way it appeared last week, when Harold Camping’s prediction of the world’s demise failed to come off as planned.  In the days preceding the California radio-preacher’s May 21st deadline, and in those immediately following the nonevent’s anticlimactic denouement, millions of normally unfunny individuals tugged mightily on this low-hanging fruit, clogging Twitter and Facebook with the pungent droppings.

The sudden expiration date on Rapture humor caught the public largely by surprise.  There are a variety of explanations for this seemingly abrupt depletion of funny, but many experts believe the confusion stems from a fundamental misperception, arguing that the recent spate of Rapture humor overachieved beyond anyone’s expectations.  By playing well above its level, the Rapture meme was able to create an illusion of sophistication and cultural resonance, which caused observers to believe it would have a longer shelf-life.  However, three or four days is reportedly typical for mass-produced humor of that grade.  “The fact is,” says a topical humor specialist, “Camping’s Rapture prediction got a lot more play than it deserved, and more ominously, caused every idiot with at least a sixth-grade education to think he was a comedian.  I think future generations will look back on this episode with no little amount of embarrassment.”

Some Predicted The World Would End In August 1914. They Might Not Have Been Wrong.

For Some, Work Can Be A Grind

19 Thursday May 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in News

≈ 1 Comment

Tags

Ana Catarina Silvares Bezerra, anxiety, beaver, Brazil, childish sexual innuendo, clam, flicking the bean, hypersexuality, masturbation, onanism, self-abuse

By Smaktakula

There's No Simple Answer To The Question 'What Time Does Ana Get Off?'

Life is stressful.  Work is stressful.  For most of us, there’s no escaping it.  But those for whom the pressures of everyday life are too much grasp desperately for anything which might bring a modicum of  relief.   One such person is Brazil’s Ana Catarina Silvares Bezerra, an accountant who takes a hands-on approach to stress relief.  Bezerra combats her workday woes by masturbating as much as 47 times a day.

Direct Physical Manipulation Is The Secret.

Unsurprisingly, Bezerra initially encountered some resistance from her employer, who asked that the accountant not flick her bean at work.  Bezerra was undeterred, and took her complaint to the Brazilian courts, insisting that she was suffering from severe anxiety and hypersexuality, and that rubbing one out was the only sure means to combat these conditions.  The courts agreed, and now Bezerra is free to watch porn on her work computer, all the while vigorously pleasuring herself.

Sometimes Ana Keeps A Snack In The Top Drawer Of Her Desk.

Although the accountant’s co-workers have gradually come to accept her thrice-hourly grind, she met with some resistance at first.  Bezerra’s orgiastic gyrations were often misperceived as fits of some kind, and even after the nature of her unique ailment was revealed, her onanistic episodes still caused moments of confusion.  Said one coworker, “We couldn’t tell if she was having a stroke or just having a stroke.”

Touch It. Go Ahead. Maybe Rub It A Little.

Stupid Show Now Even More Stupider

18 Wednesday May 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, Culture, News, Stupidity

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

Ashton Kutcher, Charlie Sheen, Charlie Sheen is a drugged-out wifebeater, Demi Moore, geriatric sex, May-December romances, prettyboys, Punk'd, shitty TV shows, stupid people, That 70s Show, TV for idiots, TV makes you stupid, Two and a Half Men, untalented stars, Why am I so stupid?

By Smaktakula

"If'n That Funny-Ass Show Don't Come Back To The Moving-Picture Box, I's Gonna Drink Some Turpentine An' Die. That's What I'm Fixin' To Do."

Across the nation, morons who love bad TV are screeching with joy and hurling their own feces at one another upon the news that Two and a Half Men will be returning to television.  Fans of vapid entertainment were disheartened in recent months by reports of the inane series’ demise following the implosion of the show’s star, toothless pharmaceutical experiment Charlie Sheen.  However, as they have so many times in the past, the doomsayers prognosticating Two and a Half Men‘s demise have vastly underestimated the American public’s rapacious appetite for all things vulgar and grotesque.

The Many Faces Of The Master Thespian: This One's Called "Gay & Crazy."

Two and a Half Men will continue to dumb up the airwaves for at least another season, thanks to the arrival of minimally-talented prettyboy Ashton Kutcher.  Kutcher is best known for his roles in That 70s Show and Punk’d, as well as for banging an old lady.

Despite Her Age, Demi Works Hard To Keep Her Body Lean.

Two and a Half Men‘s producers acknowledge that Kutcher brings neither star power nor charisma to the show, and admit that the replacement actor’s mushy intellect makes the cocaine and whiskey-befuddled Charlie Sheen seem like Alan Greenspan in comparison.  They counter, however, that as a living, breathing organism, Kutcher is more than qualified to play the 1.0 men which the script requires.

The Mind-Numbing Complacency Inspired By 'Two And A Half Men' Saves Lives.

Promethean Times Reacts To Schwarzenegger Shocker

18 Wednesday May 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, News, Politics

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

apathy, Arnold Schwarzenegger, California, controversy, famous Austrians, Governor Schwarzenegger, illegitimate, infidelity, love child, Maria Shriver, Mr. Universe, NSFW, sexual misconduct, the Governator

By Smaktakula

"Remember When I Told You I'd Impregnate You Last? I Lied."

Really, we couldn’t care less.

Wanna see what the cleaning lady saw?  Click here.  Remember, kids–it’s NSFW.

Osama’s Pakistani Whack Shack

16 Monday May 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, Cinema, Culture, News, Religion

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

'self-abuse' isn't the same thing as 'cutting', 9/11, al Qaeda, Ann Coulter, beating off, choking the chicken, flogging the dolphin, goat-fuckers, internet pornography, Islam, jerking off, masturbation, Navy SEALs, onanism, Osama bin Laden, Pakistan, porn, pornography, pr0n, Ron Jeremy, self-abuse, spankin' it, spanking the monkey, sticky fingers, Terrorism, whack shack

By Smaktakula

Bin Laden Debunks The Myth About Hairy Palms.

The Navy SEALs tasked with eliminating resilient Saudi boogeyman Osama bin Laden were trained to expect just about anything.  They knew, for example, that they would encounter fierce resistance from bin Laden and his lieutenants, and that the terror mastermind would not hesitate to toss away one of his countless wives like spent Kleenex if it meant adding a few more malice-drenched moments to his own tumultuous time on earth.  But what the SEAL team found was something America’s intelligence industry failed to anticipate, and which took the SEALs completely by surprise: bin Laden’s impressive and more-than-slightly-used pornography collection.

Osama Repeatedly Claimed It Was For His Dry Skin.

This information gap does US intelligence no credit, particularly since for the better part of a year, several publications–most notably Promethean Times–have been warning of the pervasive Pakistani predilection for particularly prurient and perverse porn.  As is now becoming more widely known, Pakistanis lead the rest of the world in filthy internet searches, and are rapidly gaining a reputation for harboring not only terrorists among their population, but goat-fuckers as well.

Osama's Fingerprints Were All Over This. Literally.

Is it any wonder then, that bin Laden–a guest in that great nation–would seek onanistic relief in such delightful naughtiness as Salaam Salami!, You Mecca Me Horny II and Riders of the Three-Humped Camel?  The picture becomes clearer when one considers bin Laden’s legendary sex drive, the horny hatemonger having more wives than the desert has sand.

A Copy Of This Book Was Found Under Osama's Mattress. It Was Identified Only After Investigators Were Able To Separate The Pages With A Razor Blade.

Because of the high security and the presence of so many people in the compound, privacy was at a minimum and as such, valued as a premium.  Even placing extra locks on the doors didn’t stop careless security personnel or nosy wives from barging in on bin Laden just as he was in the process of ‘blowing the first tower.’  Ironically, in the days before he was executed by US Forces, bin Laden devised a system whereby he would leave his turban hanging over the doorknob to let people know he was ‘taking the Haj.’

Fortunately, Osama Died Without Ever Knowing That His Favorite Footlong Was 100% Kosher.

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