By Tardsie
Awesome Doesn't Advertise. And If It Did, We're Pretty Sure It Wouldn't Use A $5 T-Shirt From Walmart To Do It.
You’re Only Kidding Yourself
03 Friday Jun 2011
Category Archives: Promethean Times
Sacramento, California
02 Thursday Jun 2011
By Smaktakula
Proving that you don’t have to be a great city to anchor the nation’s most important state, Sacramento manages to remain relevant despite an almost total lack of merit. California’s capital city squats like a persistent sore upon the confluence of the American and Sacramento Rivers at the northern end of the Central Valley, the Golden State’s bountiful backwater.
In a moment of unwarranted optimism, the city fathers attempted rather generously to imbue the flyblown stinkpit with a sense of the divine by naming it for the Eucharist. A century-and-a-half later, the dividend of this faith has been an NBA franchise and a spectacularly inept legislature.
It's Telling That The City Is Often Abbreviated As 'SAC.'
We’re not proud of this, Sacramento. But we had a need and you’re easy. ∞T.
Hef’s Former Skank Calls Him “Dead Fish”
01 Wednesday Jun 2011
Tags
Burt Bacharach, Cher, cocaine, decadence, drugs, fading glory, gold digger, Hef, Hugh Hefner, Izabella St. James, living in squalor, old people, Playboy, porn empire, pornography, senility, sexual dysfunction, skanks, Sylvia Miles, Viagra
By Smaktakula
Hot, Retarded And Completely Lacking Dignity?--Yes. Discrete? No.
According to his former floozy Izabella St. James, Hugh Hefner doesn’t just look, smell and act like an incontinent old man–he makes love like one as well. In her cleverly titled new book, Bunny Tales, St. James claims that the 84 year-old is a sexual ‘Dead Fish’ who simply lies on the bed while a nubile and semi-retarded teenager humps him furiously.
St. James’ revelations shatter more than just the popular image of Hef as a ladies’ man and all-around-stud. According to Hef’s former harlot, even the famed Playboy Mansion has seen its luster fade. The once-fabulous pleasure palace of 10,000 delights is now a shabby and echoing ruin, festooned with dogshit and reeking of urine.
The Playboy Mansion Has Seen Better Days
Hefner lost his virginity at the decidedly un-swinging age of 22, and has spent the next six decades attempting to account for this tardiness. During Playboy’s Watergate-era heyday, the Mansion would throb with orgiastic depravity while sill managing an air of class and swinging sophistication. And Hef–whether he was snorting lines off Cher’s ass or balls-deep in a group-grope with Sylvia Miles and Burt Bacharach–was right in the middle of it all.
Thanks To A Combination Of Dementia And Cataracts, This Is The Face Hef Sees In The Mirror Every Morning.
But forty years is a long time–a lifetime in third-world countries–and not even Hefner’s famed virility could withstand the implacable ravages of time. The miracles of modern science, most particularly Viagra, have allowed Hef to make a pretense of his old existence by breathing life into the old man’s withered dingus.
But science has no answer for the rest of Hef’s age-related ailments. And now, Hef uses his dwindling fortune to make a charade of the life which for one musk-drenched moment in time saw him on top of the world. He perpetuates this rather sad fantasy in the vain hope not to stave off time, but to help him forget that he’s a crumbling old man with the hearty, virile penis of a healthy sixty-five year old.
i roted this books all by myself lol
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Get To Know Frank McCourt
31 Tuesday May 2011
Tags
Angela's Ashes, Baseball, cock-knockers, comical despots, Dodger Blue, douchebaggery, Frank McCourt, Los Angeles Dodgers, outright lies, pure evil, short people, Smaktakula's distrust of short people, the other Frank McCourt, treachery
By Smaktakula
"I Totally Bleed Dodger Blue. It IS Blue, Right? Their Color, I Mean."
To the myriad awful things you already knew about loathsome Dodgers owner Frank McCourt–the greed, the douchiness, the being short– let us add one more:
Frank McCourt eats babies.
The Monster Boasts In Print: Frank's First Victim Was A Young Girl Named Angela O'Roarke.
Happy Memorial Day!
30 Monday May 2011
Tags
French's mustard, holidays, Memorial Day, Smaktakula's decades-old vendetta against the French, true meanings of holidays
By Tardsie
On which some grilled and others shopped.
He Honors America's Fallen By Refusing To Use French's Mustard On The Dogs.
Headlines 05.27.11
27 Friday May 2011
Tags
Apple, Buster Posey, chauvinism, comas, Dewey defeats Truman, Dominique Strauss-Kahn, English isn't a real major, English majors, forgery, God, Harry S Truman, has-beens, headlines, Houston Astros, Ivy League, Jesus freaks, Johnny Depp, Juan Marichal, Judas Iscariot, Los Angeles Dodgers, Mickey Mouse, misogyny, Navy SEALs, New Testament, Oprah Winfrey, porn stars, psychopath, retard, San Francisco Giants, South Carolina, STDs, Stephen Hawking, Steven Tyler, Thomas Dewey, venereal disease
By Smaktakula
In which we respond to the headlines without reading the stories.
Because The Headline Tells You All You Really Need To Know.
***
My Son and West Point — How Did Four Years Pass In the Blink of an Eye? ~ You’ve just awoken from a years-long coma following a grisly accident. We thought someone had already told you. Sorry.
Half of New Testament forged, Bible scholar says ~ The culprit appears to be a Jewish revolutionary by the name of Iscariot.
Prevent STDs like a porn star ~ Die of a drug overdose before you’re diagnosed.
Oprah Winfrey signs off after 25 years in daytime talk TV ~ In unrelated news, the American home has suddenly become cleaner, reversing a quarter-century trend.
For Oprah So Loved The World That She Spent A Tiny Bit Of Her Own Money, That Whoever Receives From Her Should Not Whine, But Have Eternal Thanks.
Doomsday Today: Will world end on May 21, 2011? ~ Nope.
Apple triggers ‘religious’ reaction in fans’ brains, report says ~ Apple fans are a lot like Jesus freaks–nice enough people, but not someone you want to be stuck next to on a seven-hour flight.
Stephen Hawking: ‘There is no heaven; it’s a fairy story ~ Look at it from Stephen’s perspective–if there is a God, He fucking HATES Stephen Hawking.
Disproving God Is As Easy As Tying Your Shoes.
Steven Tyler Hits The Studio With Johnny Depp ~ Johnny’s doing his part for ‘Take Your Grandpa To Work’ Day.
French women attack misogyny in Strauss-Kahn case ~ Misogyny, Non! Chauvinism, Oui!
‘R word’ to be removed from S.C. state laws ~ The mentally challenged will now be called ‘persons with intellectual disabilities.’ There’s no way retards will ever be able to understand that.
When it’s time to run for office, fewer women stand up ~ They do the same thing when it’s time to pee.
Navy Fights Mickey Mouse for SEALs Trademark ~ That mouse is fucked.
US Forces Currently Occupy California Adventures, Frontierland and New Orleans. Special Forces Teams Are Attempting To Establish A Foothold In Fantasyland While Shelling General Duck’s Bunkers In Tomorrowland.
How to spot a psychopath ~ He’s the dude in the Holly Hobby dress holding the dripping ax.
Why would-be engineers end up as English majors ~ Because being an English major is easy. Trust us.
Top Colleges, Largely for the Elite ~ Exclusionary, Ivy-League institutions are being overrun by the privileged children of the world’s elite? The devil you say!
Why did no one notice the boy was missing? ~ It’s hardly a ringing endorsement for the dynamism of the young man’s personality.
Dodgers fall to Astros in ninth inning: A fan’s reaction ~ San Francisco Giants fans are advised to stay indoors until such time as the Dodgers can eke out a win.
The Public Has Been Led To Believe That Buster Posey’s Ankle Injury Was Caused By A Collision At The Plate.
We’ve done this kind of thing before:
George Sherrill: Same Douche, Different Hat
27 Friday May 2011
Posted in Sport
Tags
Atlanta Braves, Baseball, douchebaggery, George Sherrill, incompetent boobery, lefties, Los Angeles Dodgers, relief pitchers, southpaws, that shitty beard too!, unreliable, YOU SUCK!
By Smaktakula
George Sherrill, the cretinous southpaw who douched it up for the Los Angeles Dodgers in 2010, posting a ghastly 6.69 ERA in 36 innings of ‘work,’ has taken his act to the Atlanta Braves.
This Massengill Maestro Is Queen Of Baseball Douchedom.
However, at some point in the off-season, the doubly first-named rectal wart seems to have rediscovered his competence, posting a 1-0 record with a decidedly un-shameful 2.19 ERA in 12 innings so far this season. That makes him an even bigger douche than we ever thought possible.
Bonus: As further evidence of his douchebag bona fides, Sherrill has trademarked his moronic nickname, ‘The Brim Reaper.’
Marry Me, Stupid
26 Thursday May 2011
Tags
Anna Nicole Smith, cousin love, crackers, dead celebrities, Emil Haagerdäddi, incest, love, marriage, Maury Povich, normals, paternity tests, poor people, rednecks, rich people, sister-marryin', smart people, stupid people, white trash, Why am I so stupid?, you are not the father
By Smaktakula
The Whitaker-Whitaker Wedding Was The Biggest Shindig Taint Junction Had Seen In Living Memory. The Kids Gorged Themselves On Mayonnaise-Fried Ho-Hos, While The Adults Stood Around Drinking Turpentine From Dixie Cups.*
Throughout history, marriage has held a special place in human society. It is one of the unique links that unites not just the different peoples of the world, but also every strata of society within individual cultures. The rich marry, and so do the poor. Matrimony is enjoyed by the intelligent, and by the very stupid, too.
Although the institution of marriage or some form of monogamy is nearly universal, there are vast gulfs in the way different cultures and subcultures perceive marriage. In the West, by far the most interesting relationships are between the very dumb. Virtually every aspect of these dimwitted relationships–the laughter, the crying, the acrimonious arguments at 2:00 AM on the front stoop–is fodder for a voyeuristic public.
Anna Nicole Was Dumb Enough To Go Down On A Microphone, And Yet She Too Found Love. Alas, It Hardly Matters As She's Dead Now.
A Florida couple, just starting out on love’s meth-addled journey, have provided fresh swill for the trough. The unidentified man and his intended found a way to share with the whole town the good news of their retarded union.
Wanting to declare his love in writing, but rather than employ a method so prosaic as a note, the retarded Romeo spray-painted his proposal on the garage door of a Lehigh Acres home: ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME ALISON?’ The home was not his own. Alison responded with a spray-painted affirmative.
The Mating Call Of The Red-Throated Methsucker.
“The choice of location is appropriate,” says Dr. Emil Haagerdäddi, chairman Emeritus of the University of Kentucky’s Department of Real American Studies and author of Crackers, Rednecks and Hicks: White Trash Culture in These United States. “I surmise that the young man’s home–most likely his grandmother’s trailer–is in some way an unsuitable canvas for his purposes.”
Sometimes Temporary Unions Form In Which Only One Partner Is A Moron. In At Least One Instance, This Has Resulted In Teenage Mutant Ninja Herpes.
Unions between idiots are generally encouraged by society, as it keeps feeble genes within certain communities, and limits their introduction among the normals. Haagerdäddi claims that these fears are overblown, since “These mouth-breathers often lack a chromosome or two, rendering them incapable of reproduction. They’re essentially mules with opposable thumbs.”
The Doctor cautions, however, that “When they are able to breed, they breed like rabbits.”
The Maury Povich Show Is A Great Resource, Providing Paternity Tests The Unintelligent. We're Rooting For This Guy!
* Or as they’re called in those parts, ‘cups.’ ∞T.
Lohan: The Time To Hit That Is Now
25 Wednesday May 2011
Tags
celebrities, Celebrity Death Watch, cocaine, Did she jump or was she pushed?, drugs, Flower of American Skankhood, former child stars, IPO, LiLo, Lindsay Lohan, Lindsay's boobs, NSFW, Schnapps, skankery, skanks, tick . . .tick . . .tick, untalented stars
By Smaktakula
Former child star Lindsay Lohan revealed recently in an international statement that she was not currently in a relationship, declaring “I’m available.” Men and women between the ages of 16-65 who have yet to engage in casual, anonymous sex with a celebrity or semi-celebrity are encouraged to apply. Millions will enter, and potentially thousands will win.
There exists no accurate way to determine the duration of the opportunity window for just about anybody to bang the Flower of American Skankhood, but it will in all likelihood be extremely short-lived. Lohan will either stage a comeback, at which point she will return to sexual standards most likely precluding carnal relations with an unemployed Best Buy sales associate, or as is far more likely, she’ll be dead. Act now!
The Clock Is Ticking. For Quickest Results Bring Coke And Root Beer Schnapps. No, Not Coca-Cola.
Note: Lindsay appears serious about her IPO. In just-released (and deliciously NSFW) photos, Lindsay displays her considerable assets for those potential buyers who have yet to see them.
Many Surprised By Abrupt Expiration Date On Rapture Humor
24 Tuesday May 2011
Tags
Armageddon, End TImes, expiration date, Facebook, false predictions, Harold Camping, humor, predictions, prognostication, Rapture, stale humor, that trick never works, the unfunnying of America, Twitter, unfunny people, World War I, WWI
By Smaktakula
In Heaven, All The Outfits Will Be Totally Groovy And Outtasite.
Would-be funnymen across the United States and Canada were disheartened this morning to find their Rapture jokes completely depleted of humor. Many people had come to their places of work Tuesday morning armed with hilarious Armageddon material cribbed from late night talk show hosts. Although the routines had been gut-busters the previous week and still considered moderately-funny as recently as Monday night, the cold and sobering light of Tuesday’s dawn shone revealed a tired and broken joke completely bereft of its zing.
That’s not the way it appeared last week, when Harold Camping’s prediction of the world’s demise failed to come off as planned. In the days preceding the California radio-preacher’s May 21st deadline, and in those immediately following the nonevent’s anticlimactic denouement, millions of normally unfunny individuals tugged mightily on this low-hanging fruit, clogging Twitter and Facebook with the pungent droppings.
The sudden expiration date on Rapture humor caught the public largely by surprise. There are a variety of explanations for this seemingly abrupt depletion of funny, but many experts believe the confusion stems from a fundamental misperception, arguing that the recent spate of Rapture humor overachieved beyond anyone’s expectations. By playing well above its level, the Rapture meme was able to create an illusion of sophistication and cultural resonance, which caused observers to believe it would have a longer shelf-life. However, three or four days is reportedly typical for mass-produced humor of that grade. “The fact is,” says a topical humor specialist, “Camping’s Rapture prediction got a lot more play than it deserved, and more ominously, caused every idiot with at least a sixth-grade education to think he was a comedian. I think future generations will look back on this episode with no little amount of embarrassment.”
Some Predicted The World Would End In August 1914. They Might Not Have Been Wrong.
Promethean Times 