Category Archives: Culture

Bon Jovi Scare Raises Question: Who From Jersey NEEDS To Die?

21 Wednesday Dec 2011

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By Smaktakula

Glad To See You Made It, Jon. But If It Looks Like Jersey, It's At Best Purgatory.

Residents of the Garden State are resting a little easier with the knowledge that beloved New Jersey music icon Jon Bon Jovi is not dead, as was earlier reported.  The erroneous reports of the singer’s death were greeted by the gnashing of teeth and tearing of garments from Bayonne to Camden.  After Asbury Park native Bruce Springsteen, Bon Jovi is New Jersey’s most universally popular figure.

"He's Not Dead!" Says Shannon Fitzgerald, Longtime Bon Jovi Stalker, "And I'll Kill Anyone Who Says He Is!"

While Promethean Times shares the public’s relief at the news of Bon Jovi’s continued existence, the false rumors of his demise invite interesting speculation.  Given that the majority of celebrities associated with New Jersey are cartoonish parodies of the state’s lowest and most venal stereotypes (the accuracy of these depictions notwithstanding), is there anyone else from New Jersey who might deserve death in Bon Jovi’s stead?

We proudly present the following options:

Jason Alexander: Irritating, Bald And Short, But Apparently Going Away On His Own.

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Snooki: Oversexed Orange Wishnik Troll And Herpes' Answer To Typhoid Mary.

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Joe Piscopo: WHO?

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Woodrow Wilson: Snooty Academic. League Of Nations Enthusiast. Reneged On Promise To Keep US Out Of WWI, And Failed To Make The World Safe For Democracy. Already Dead.

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Joe Pesci: Like Alexander, Pesci Is Short And Irritating, But Has Better Hair And Has Appeared In A Funny Movie As Recently As The Clinton Administration.

However, after hundreds of hours sorting through viable candidates, contrasting their various crimes against humanity as well as mitigating factors, we’ve determined the New Jersey celebrity most in need of death:

Richie Sambora: There Can Be Only One.

‘Lil Kim Adjusting To New Life In Witness Relocation Program

19 Monday Dec 2011

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By Smaktakula

"Hey! This Not A Rending Ribrary! You Buy Or You Get The Herr Out!"

Kim Jong-il, the once-feared despot of blighted hellhole North Korea, is said to be transitioning easily into his new life as a Compton, California liquor store owner.  Although the blue-collar life might seem like a comedown from the palatial existence previously enjoyed by the tiny madman, ‘Lil Kim claims to be very happy.

Kim's Youngest Son Is Sorry To See The Old Man Go.

“Rife is so much easier now.  I got none of the probrems of running rearry big and important country,” says the diminutive ex-despot, referring to the asswipe country he inherited from his own father and ran further into the ground.  He has high hopes for the prospects of his youngest son, Kim Jong-un, who has taken over the reins of state in his stead.  “My boy, ‘Ril ‘Ril Kim, gonna fuck South Korea up good!”

'Lil Kim Has Been Welcomed To The Neighborhood By Such Businessmen As Terry Davis, Owner Of Sandbox Liquor.

Although ‘Lil Kim isn’t at liberty to discuss the matter, it is believed he is joined in his exile by several other former world leaders.  “Yeah, I see some famiriar faces–let’s put it that way.  At reast I’m not . . . so ronery any more.”

"You Better Not Be Selling Any Goddamn Falafels! I Make The Mother Of All Falafels!"

Boycott Trudy’s Dog Washing Service!

25 Friday Nov 2011

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By Smaktakula

Are You Bringing Trudy Your Dogs–Or Your Soul?

Join us on Friday, November 25th, 2011 in our one-day boycott of Trudy’s Dog Washing Service.  For the community’s good, let’s hit this fatcat where it hurts–in her wallet!

For fifteen years Trudy Schwarz has sucked the lifeblood from this community.  Perspicacious enough to notice that seemingly everyone owned a dog, but that very few enjoyed washing the animals, Schwarz exploited this gap by offering to perform these duties for $35.  $35 might not seem like much money, but when you take into account the millions of dog owners in the United States, if each dog visited Schwarz’ business only once year, Trudy’s Dog Washing Service would still be grossing a cool $35 million.

Why Not Do It Yourself?

There are those who will say that Schwarz is providing a service that pet owners are unwilling to perform themselves, and that the small fee is appropriate compensation for her labors.    However, this view dangerously misreads Schwarz’s motives.

Kia spectra 2001

Schwarz Thinks She’s Hot Stuff ‘Cause Her Car’s Paid Off.

Make no mistake–Trudy Schwarz wants your dog to be dirty.  She wants you to bring the dog to her so she can clean it.  But don’t for a minute think that she’s doing this because she cares about you or your dog.  Schwarz is bathing your animal for one reason and one reason only–money.  It’s likely that profit is the sole reason Schwarz got into the dog washing business in the first place.

Like the fleas she sprays from your dog’s belly, Trudy Schwarz is a vicious parasite, sucking the precious lifeblood from America’s consumers.  For one day at least, let’s tell Trudy Schwarz to let her kids go hungry.

 

IMAGE REMOVED DUE TO SAND IN THE COPYRIGHT HOLDER’S VAGINA

Kidnappers Of Lindbergh Baby Revealed To Be Wall Street Fatcats

21 Friday Oct 2011

Posted by in Crime, Culture, Culture, News, Politics, Stupidity

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By Smaktakula

Recent revelations prove conclusively that famed kraut patsy Bruno Hauptmann–who maintained his innocence until his execution in 1936–was unjustly convicted in the infamous Lindbergh Baby Case.

"Restore Feudalism Or The Baby Dies!"

 What do we want?  Corporate welfare!  When do we want it? Meow! ∞T.

LiLo’s Got The Meth Mouth

18 Tuesday Oct 2011

Posted by in Celebrity, Crime, Culture, Entertainment, News

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By Smaktakula

You Know You're Famous When Forgetting To Brush Your Teeth Causes A Minor Media Sensation.

True? False? That’s what the gossip sites are reporting, anyway. More accurately, they’re claiming that the self-destructing former starlet and Flower of American Skankhood has a mouth full of rotting teeth, from which Promethean Times irresponsibly infers that said condition is a consequence of snorting* great big piles of methamphetamine.

Or it could just be improper hygiene. Remembering to brush after meals can help to preserve healthy teeth for a lifetime. Sadly, LiLo has yet to demonstrate that she can inculcate positive habits into her life, having been “fired” from her community service work at Skid Row Woman’s Shelter. A few months ago, Promethean Times opined of Ms. Lohan, “the time to hit that is now.” Sadly, it appears that the time to hit that has passed.

* Meth can also be smoked or taken intravenously. Promethean Times alleges that Ms. Lohan rubs it into cuts. ∞ T.

Cliff Robertson Is Dead

12 Monday Sep 2011

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By Smaktakula

Cliff Robertson, who played Peter Parker’s Uncle Ben in the film Spider-Man, is dead at 88.  This comes as something of a surprise to the millions of people who were heretofore unaware of the veteran actor’s  existence, as well as to the handful of individuals who had heard the name ‘Cliff Robertson,’ but assumed that the historical personage attatched to it had died ages ago.

Abe Vigoda, However, Still Lives.

Abe was alive as of this writing.  Check here for the most current information. ∞T

Headlines 08.17.11

17 Wednesday Aug 2011

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By Smaktakula

. . . If You’re Going To San Francisco, You’re Going To Meet Some Gentle People There . . .


User post: Am I just not meant to have friends? ~ Sorry, sad-sack–but yours is a destiny characterized by unremitting isolation.  It probably feels better to know, huh?

Can Twitter Save NASA? ~ Don’t be a child; of course it can’t.

Mother Buried 15 Years Ago Found Alive in Florida ~ Florida in August is its own kind of death.

US women know July 10 is their day ~ Super.  Another important date for us to forget.

First Person: the Sweet Charms of the Ukulele ~ Just what drugs are you on, Tiny Tim?

The Ukulele’s Sole Function Is To Terrify Small Children.

Spectators shout “Killer!” as she leaves jail property ~ No one is sure what Janet Reno was doing there.

Black bear trapped in SLO neighborhood shot dead ~ Tensions are high, and polar bears are advised to stay home after dark.

Mormon leader jailed for life for sex with child brides ~ Life won’t change all that much.  There will still be plenty of sex, only now he’ll be someone else’s baby.

Bachmann’s Church Says the Pope is the Antichrist ~ Pfft.  We say that all the time.

Queen Latifah Says Gay Is the New Black ~ So is Queen Latifah finally admitting she’s, um, black?

Guess Which Greek Island The Ladies Will Be Visiting During Their Vacation?  No, It’s Not Crete Or Corfu. It’s Not Rhodes Or Andros, Either.

The Clash of Generations ~ If you find yourself matched up against ‘The Greatest Generation,’ go for the hips–they’re fragile.

9 things you shouldn’t say to your child ~  Curiously, they all start with ‘I should have gotten that abortion.’

Male heart-attack victims seek help faster if married ~ Living for the sole purpose of making another human being’s life miserable is still a reason to live.

Meet Europe’s record-breaking (and cute!) lottery winners ~ Being a lottery winner goes a long way toward making you cute.

Why My Father Hated India ~ We can give you 1.2 billion reasons.

‘Delhi’ Rhymes With ‘Smelly.’ It Should Rhyme With ‘God-Awful Stink.’

Despite priest’s dark past, he was given ample time to find new victims ~ Which is cool, because we believe in second chances.

83-Year-Old Gets Breast Implants to Keep Up With Kids ~ It’s a race to see who can commit the biggest affront to all that is decent and right.

Binge drinking ‘can damage memory skills’ in teen girls ~ It’s ‘judgement’ that teen boys want to affect.  Memory is just gravy.

Prostituted child leaves ‘game’ for good ~ We don’t believe it.  Justin Bieber loves showbiz too much.

“Thass Right, Just Two Bills For This Sweet Piece Of Ass.”

Police: Teen Killed Parents, Hid Bodies During House Party ~ Yeah, but that shit was off the hook!

The history of ‘don’t ask, don’t tell’ ~ It’s pretty gay, but we don’t like to talk about it.

California Bay Area Mansions Are in High Demand, Due to Tech Boom ~ Wait for the inevitable bust and snatch one up for a song.

What Is ‘Smelly Hair Syndrome? ~ Sounds like a childish euphemism for poontang, which itself is a childish euphemism for cooter.

And Now We See It Everywhere.

FURTHER EXAMPLES OF OUR IRRESPONSIBILITY:

I Swear, Officer–I Thought The Lady Was Already Dead When I Tried To Have Sex With Her

08 Friday Jul 2011

Posted by in Crime, Culture, Culture, News, Stupidity

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By Smaktakula

Seriously, Where Can You Go To Meet Nice Girls Nowadays?

No one will argue that attempting to sexually assault an unconscious woman on a city sidewalk in broad daylight is not only breathtakingly callous, but utterly moronic as well.  Yet apparently, that’s just what one man did.

"Were I To Do It All Again, I Imagine I Would Take Better Care To Ascertain That The Victim Was Truly Dead Before Deciding To Embark Upon A Course Of Molestation."

But what separates 48-year-old ne’er-do-well Melvin L Jackson of Kansas City, Mo, from the rank-and-file masher is the novel excuse he provided to the authorities upon being caught in the act.  The reason for his heinous shenanigans, Jackson assured the police, was because he assumed the helpless woman was dead, adding that sexually assaulting an unconscious woman was “simply disgusting.”

"Hey Girl--You're Kinda Quiet. That's Okay, I Don't Like Talking All That Much."

Putting The Italian Army To Good Use

10 Tuesday May 2011

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By Smaktakula

In Every Possible Sense, These Days Are Long Gone.

Have you heard about the new Italian rifle?

It’s never been fired and only dropped once.

Jokes like this hoary old chestnut have lately fallen out of favor because they tend to perpetuate harmful stereotypes.  However, some stereotypes exist for a reason, and although generalizations by nature, are often based on solid experience.

So it is with the Italian Army, whose military prowess is mocked worldwide as less intimidating even than the French, Canadian or Kuwaiti Armies.  The memory of Rome’s mastery of Western Europe, cemented by scarlet swathes of powerful and highly-disciplined legionnaires , is confined to the dim recesses of history. The Italians’ only significant victory in modern times was in 1936 over Ethiopia, and only after suffering a defeat to the African nation in 1896. Moreover, Italy shares the singular distinction of switching to the winning side in not one, but two World Wars.

An Italian ISAF soldier gestures during a memorial service for the six soldiers killed after a suicide car bomb hit a military convoy on the main airport road near the U.S. Embassy, as they prepare to send the bodies home at the military airport September 19, 2009 in Kabul, Afghanistan. Italy suffered its deadliest attack in Afghanistan on Thursday, with about 2,800 soldiers in the country, four Italian soldiers were also injured with sixteen Afghans killed and at least 52 civilians wounded in the attack.

Italian Soldiers React To The News Of A Possible Deployment Against The Girl Scouts.

But much-maligned Italian Prime Minister and orgy enthusiast Silvio Berlusconi believes he has at last found a way for the Italian Army to at least partially redeem its sullied reputation.  For the second time in recent years, Berlusconi is sending troops to Naples to tackle a recurrent problem: garbage.  170 troops and 73 vehicles are being deployed to clean up the plethora of filth in the festering Italian city.

Critics charge that the PM is cynically shoring up votes ahead of the upcoming elections, as well as deflecting from allegations that he habitually retained the services of  a seventeen-year-old Moroccan prostitute.  However, vocal members of Berlusconi’s party disagree, denying that the troop deployment was in any way politically motivated.  Said one, “Naples is a shithole, and the army needs something to do.”

Promethean Times agrees.  Let the rest of the world’s armies fight the rest of the world’s wars; the Italian Army is needed at home.   Plus, there’s the sad but undeniable fact that Italian forces couldn’t even take the Salvation Army, let alone a real one.

Cody Managed To Take Out Five Italian Soldiers Before His Parents Were Called To Take Him Home.

America Fails To Measure Up

29 Tuesday Mar 2011

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By Smaktakula

The penis rankings are in, and the nations of the West have come up short.  The United States’ result is particularly embarrassing.  Although managing to avoid the lowest quadrant–populated by such sad-sack microdicks as China, India and Burma–the United States’ position is still a cause of insecurity.  With Canada and Mexico both producing larger–and therefore presumably more satisfying–penises, the US will be forced to take some action to ease the pecker gap.

penis-size-map.jpg

'That Guy's Hung Like A Columbian' Takes On New Meaning.

It is unclear whether the United States will attempt to address this inadequacy by trying to attract large penises from other parts of the globe or rather by stimulating the domestic production of more massive man-meat.  Until this love-missile shortfall is addressed, the US will have a hard time showering in the world locker room with all the other countries around.