"Let Me Be Clear: I Know We Haven't Been As Successful As We Would Like In Our Ongoing Efforts To Demonstrate To The American People Just Why This Is So Very Important. It's Time To Stand Up For Future Generations Of Americans And Say, 'We Have Had Enough With The Violence! We Don't Want Our Children To Have To Suffer A Busted Lip In A Pickup Basketball Game Like We Did.' If We Work Together, And Refuse To Make Excuses, I Believe We Can Make This World A Reality. Having Said That, Mr. Decerega Knows That He Committed A Technical, And That I Should Have Been Allowed Two Tries From The Free Throw Line. That I Was Not Is Really, Really Weak."
By now you’ve heard how President Obama took an elbow in the mouth while playing a pickup basketball game, requiring twelve stitches. Although the White House did not initially reveal the identity of Obama’s assailant, later reports named the unlucky roughhouser as Rey Decerega.
You’re not alone in asking, “Just who the hell is that?” For those unfamiliar with Mr. Decerega, he will best be remembered for playing “Paul” on The Wonder Years.
This Dork Dreams Of Growing Up To Be Marilyn Manson And Then Someday Punching The President.
Jordan Is Said To Be Growing Increasingly Comfortable With His Doucheiness.
Michael Jordan–at one time the most revered and respected man throughout the sporting world–is proving increasingly to be nothing more than a really tall asshole.
There were hints of it during his time in the NBA. First there was Jordan’s short-lived retirement in which the basketball great unsuccessfully chased his baseball muse. Following this were two comebacks, the first of which was highly successful, bringing another string of NBA Championships to Chicago. Jordan’s final comeback, with the Washington Wizards, was ill-advised and legacy tarnishing. But for a while, Jordan’s unearthly talent made it easy to overlook these things.
The Tongue Thing Grows Less Cute With Every Passing Day.
More recently, Jordan’s douche factor has leapt through the roof, thanks partially to the athlete’s tumultuous personal life. Although Jordan and his wife divorced amicably in 2005, revelations quickly surfaced that Jordan had been maintaining an ongoing affair with gold digger and filer of an unsuccessful paternity suit, Karla Knafel.
Given That Jordan Could Have His Pick From Among The World's Great Beauties, Karla Knafel Is A Curious Choice.
A further low for Jordan was his 2009 Basketball Hall of Fame induction ceremony. Jordan gave a rambling acceptance speech, lashing out at perceived enemies, and re-settling old scores. Jordan’s biggest accomplishment of the evening was humiliating Leroy Smith, who managed to beat the future NBA great for a spot on the varsity basketball team back in high school.
Many observers saw pettiness as the reason Jordan was less than effusive in his praise of Kobe Bryant, who is considered a lock for the Hall of Fame. Of Bryant, who has one less championship than his Airness, Jordan said “If you are talking about guards, I would say he has got to be in the top 10.”
Jordan On Bryant: "He's Okay."
Jordan has always battled issues of character. From gambling rumors to accusations of being a hands-off franchise owner, the cracks in Jordan’s reputation are beginning to show.
But perhaps the most glaring indication of Jordan’s irrevocable slide toward the douche side is his choice of a Hitler mustache.
Brand, most famous for boasting on-air about diddling the granddaughter of a British actor, is said to be hanging up his career as a Lothario and eager to settle down to family life.
Russell Brand: What The Cure's Robert Smith Might Look Like If His Body Produced Testosterone.
Promethean Times is delighted by this union, and wishes the lovely couple a lifetime of wonderful memories.
A Very Special Message From The Promethean Times Staff
We've Got Mail! YAAAAAAAY!
We enjoy receiving comments and email from our readers. We’re glad that we made you laugh or think, and we really do appreciate your kind words.
However, readers may be shocked to know that not all the feedback we receive is positive. Sometimes, someone will disagree with something he or she reads in Promethean Times, and takes the time to tell us about it. It goes without saying that these people are evil, and quite possibly child-molesters–but we do listen to what they have to say.
Of one post, a reader observed, “It’s just too good a laugh to let facts get in the way.” Another asked, “It’s easy to be part of the journalism problem by only focusing on things that damn people rather than the full story — isn’t it?”
Michael Lohan Is Apparently More Committed To Biblical Scholarship Than To Standardized Spelling.
We have been called right-wing, left-wing, anti-poor, anti-catholic, small-minded, deliberately misleading and a few other charges that are at best half-truths. Nonetheless, we appreciate these comments, too. They may be way off-base, but at least somebody’s reading.
Recently, Promethean Times was honored to receive fan mail from an honest-to-goodness Hollywood celebrity. We have worked diligently to cultivate a persona of jaded cynicism, but it’s hard to do anything but stand up and take notice when an entertainment personality the caliber of Michael “MiLo” Lohan sends a fan letter.
If We Could Just Get Octomom In This Picture, The Freakshow Troika Would Be Complete.
Upon reading our whimsical piece, Happy Thoughts For Tuesday: Thank God Michael Lohan Isn’t Your Dad, Mike posted a comment to let us know he was profoundly moved by what we had written, and was kind enough to share some Scripture. Here’s Mike’s comment in its entirety:
With a heart as dark and evil as yours , you will burn in hell if you dont change. Judge not, lest you shall be judged. And Do unto others as would have them do unto you. Did you ever hear those proverbial wordss?
If not, which it appears you haven’t, learn them
Wow. Thanks a lot, Mike–we really appreciate it. PT is a labor of love, and we’re warmed by the knowledge that a big-name star like yourself might inadvertently stumble across us while compulsively googling his own name.
Sheen's Latest Escapade Reportedly Involves A Naked Porn Star And Quite A Bit Of Screaming.
Charlie Sheen’s tenuous hold on sanity took another hit recently after a bizarre hotel incident found the notorious wife-beater institutionalized and forced to undergo a psychological evaluation. Until this incident, Sheen’s most recent confinement had been an August rehab stint prompted by yet another domestic abuse accusation.
Sheen's Behavior Is Becoming Increasingly Erratic. Lately Sheen Has Claimed To Be 'Southside Pete,' A Tough-As-Nails Vietnam Vet Trying To Find His Way In A Country That Never Welcomed Him Back.
Although details are slowly emerging, Sheen’s latest cry for help is shrouded in mystery. Like most of Sheen’s crimes, a woman is involved. Surprisingly, she does not appear to have been the victim of any physical violence. However, various accounts detail several recurring themes from the actor’s oeuvre: a hotel room, cocaine, booze, a naked skank, an improbable explanation and a delusional, screaming Sheen.
The Actor's Slow Descent Into Debauched Madness Used To Be Funny. It's Still Just As Funny, But Now Rather Sad, Too.
If Sheen’s increasingly irrational behavior hasn’t yet been a wake-up call for the studio enablers who have made him the highest paid actor on television, perhaps this latest episode will convey the message that unless someone acts quickly and decisively, they’ll be left with One and a half Men.
Don't Be Alarmed. This Is Just Charlie's 'O' Face.
Orenthal James Simpson, the unpunished murder-turned-sports memorabilia patsy, recently received some unwelcome news. The Nevada Supreme Court refused to overturn his recent conviction for successfully beating an ironclad double-homicide rap 1995 as well as for a minor incident in Las Vegas. It seems the Juice won’t be loosed any time soon.
Understandably, Fred Goldman Has Mixed Feelings About Seeing The Murderer Of His Son Locked Behind Bars And Thus No Longer Able To Provide Him With An Income.
"Jes' Don' Make The Cops Look Stupid, An' You'll Be Awright."
This is it, folks–OJ’s making his break! He’s on the 10! . . .the 5! . . .the 405!
Most Observers Are Amazed That Quaid Somehow Managed To Maintain A Three-Decade Career Before The Inevitable Implosion.
Is there a secret cabal of assassins intent on taking down Hollywood one actor at a time? Cretinous bumbler Randy Quaid and his wife Evi think so. Fearing such a shadow force, the Quaids appeared before Canada’s Immigration and Refugee Board seeking asylum.
Much Like The Lovable Inbred Who Made Him Famous, Quaid Is Said To Be A Tiresome Houseguest.
Quaid, best known for playing half-wits and morons in films like National Lampoon’s Vacation andKingpin, is said to be afraid for his life. Quaid claims that eight of his friends, including actors Heath Ledger and David Carradine, have died in the past few years at the hands of a mysterious organization known only as ‘Star Whackers.’ While Carradine’s sad demise from autoerotic asphyxiation in Thailand does indicate a propensity for whacking, Heath Ledger is believed to have died from an overdose of prescription pills.
Carradine: An Altogether Different Kind Of Star Whacker.
Despite the official findings and conventional wisdom, Quaid maintains that these deaths are not suicides or tragic accident. In a handwritten note shown to the press by the Quaids’ attorney, the formerly-bankable star wrote:
Yes we are requesting asylum from Hollywood ‘STAR WHACKERS.’
American authorities believe that the star whackers are an invention to distract focus from the Quaids’ legal woes. A Santa Barbara court has issued a warrant for the couple’s arrest, after the Randy and Evi failed to appear at a hearing stemming from property damage the pair is accused of causing.
Quaid Calls His Upcoming Star Wars Role 'The Part I Was Born To Play': Jar-Jar Kenobi, Obi Wan's Slower, Fatter And Far Less Talented Older Brother.
The Quaids are no strangers to scandal. Randy managed to get himself banned for life from the Actors’ Equity Union and fined $81,000 for his treatment of castmates in a Seattle production of Lone Star Love. Although she was not involved with the production, Evi Quaid’s threatening behavior toward the cast earned her a restraining order.
It remains to be seen whether Canadian authorities will seriously entertain the Quaids’ request for asylum. The choice cannot be an easy one. Canada must balance her proud tradition of sheltering the politically oppressed with the knowledge that if the Quaids are allowed refuge in the country, the formerly pristine nation will be one step closer to becoming the USA.
Randy Quaid Has Four Inches Of Height Over Younger Brother Dennis, But That's About It.
MILFy autism activist Jenny McCarthy is growing as a person. After her five-year relationship with tiresome Canadian import Jim Carrey ended, McCarthy found a new love and a new way of looking at life.
Although She Will Miss The Glamor Of Dating A B-Lister, McCarthy Is No Doubt Relieved To Now Have Only One Mentally Disabled Child Under Her Roof.
By her own admission, McCarthy has spent most of her 37 years as something akin to a mindless automaton, a virtual slave to the whims of others. But now McCarthy is learning the assertiveness which most human beings over the age of three take for granted.
Gushes the talentless pair of boobs to People Magazine:
“If he wants Chinese [food]* and I don’t, I say it,” she says. “If he wants to go out and I want to stay in and watch Dancing with the Stars, I tell him so.
Although McCarthy is not satisfied with her progress, she intends to take it slow. “Roman wasn’t built in a day,” she says. After the hiatus–which she says will be brief–McCarthy intends to do something about her woefully inadequate sixth grade education.
"HURRRRR!"
*This helpful clarification was apparently intended to prevent People readers from taking McCarthy’s comment to be an endorsement of Sino-cannibalism. Promethean Times does not support race-based cannibalism of any kind.
Sorry, Chubbsy--You Didn't Make The 2010 Maxim Hot 100. Have You Thought About Modelling Mu-Mus?
In 2010, female beauty is ubiquitous. It pouts on the covers of magazines, stares down larger-than-life upon billboards visible from space, and shakes its ass on television. Braces, liposuction, hair extensions, implants and the like have created a revolution in appearance.
The standard of beauty changes over time. Raquel Welch would today be forced to work as a plus-sized model if she wanted a career in the public eye. Rather than rhapsodize about her stunning curves as they did in her day, probably the highest compliment Welch could obtain today would be, “You know, Raquel really knows how to make herself look pretty. Good for her.”
Today’s beauties are very different–toned, honed and siliconed. They dance across the public’s eye for a moment and then are gone. Another difference between old and new beauty: new beauty is disposable.
The media would have us believe that beauty is not in the eye of the beholder, but instead falls within a rather narrow scale. Beauty is no longer subjective.
To see whether that’s true, we consulted no less a source than Maxim, the snarky men’s magazine with soft-core aspirations. We present a few selections from Maxim’s 2010 Hot 100. Judge for yourself.
Although beauty itself may be subjective, perhaps we can judge it based upon its effect upon the culture as a whole. A truly beautiful woman would not be a creation, but rather a phenomenon, like Helen of Troy, whose beauty was said to have launched the Trojan War.
Based on these criteria, Jodie Foster is the world’s most beautiful woman.
"Because No One Shoots The President For Katy Perry."
Fond du Lac, Wisconsin: Kool-Aid Man, the beloved commercial spokesgolem of yesteryear, was committed this week to the Edgecomb Hospital for the Freakish and Deranged. Man had been living by himself since the death of his mother in 2008.
It Will Be Years Before The Citizens Of Fond du Lac Will Feel Safe Again.
Famed for his exuberant commercial appearances, Man’s career peaked in the 70s and 80s. His star shone brightest during the so-called golden age of commercials– after Madison Avenue had perfected its art, but before television recording devices came into widespread use allowing viewers to skip commercials. During that time it was hard to watch television without seeing Man’s scarlet, bulbous form come smashing through a load-bearing wall to the delight of a gaggle of well-scrubbed–and miraculously unharmed–children.
In retrospect, it’s astonishing that Man was able to perform the stunt successfully for as many years as he did before someone got hurt. “When little Billy Wexner was crushed,” Man said in an interview years later, “It was the beginning of the end.”
It was also the end of the end. Kool-Aid quietly paid off Little Billy’s parents, and through their lawyers let Man know his services would no longer be required. Said Man, “After fourteen good years–fourteen years in which I turned down some good offers–they just let me go. Not Kool, man. Not Kool at all.”
Their Torrid Affair Would Last Three Years.
Friendless, broke and cracked, Man drifted through a variety of jobs, occasionally picking up work as an extra on cable shows like Silk Stalkings. Eventually, even those jobs became too difficult to maintain. Man developed a reputation for flakiness.
“I was in a lot of pain, and it seemed like nobody wanted to give me any work. So yeah, I drank.” The punch-filled creature’s life had spun so far out of control by that time that he was reduced to offering $5 blowjobs to rangy weirdos in the Gary, Indiana Greyhound station.
But There Would Be No Happy Ending That Day In Jonestown.
“That’s when I bottomed out.” Four days later he was back at his estranged parents’ house in Fond du Lac. Man’s father died in 2002, and after his mother died in 2008 the freakish creature lived a hermit’s life. There would be occasional reports of a large red serving container walking the streets in the late hours or in the very early morning, but Man mostly kept to himself.
Given the pains Man had taken to keep a low profile, the bloody carnage of a few days ago is puzzling. The citizens of Fond du Lac have no answers–they are still reeling from the devastation caused by the creature’s rampage. Twenty-three people, including two firefighters and a police officer were killed when Man stormed the town’s main street.
Survivor Sandy Bollier: "Words Can't Describe Those Three Hours In A Cherry Flavored Hell."
Gleeful roars of “OH YEAH!” could be heard among the screams of the dying and maimed early in the episode. Once the gas main was ruptured, the resulting conflagration forced the police and SWAT teams to act as rescuers, breaking off their efforts to take down the fire-resistant Man.
In the end capturing the raging creature proved startlingly easy. He was found in the remnants of the Old Spaghetti Factory, weeping. Most of his Kool-Aid core had boiled away, but in most other respects he was unhurt.
Kool-Aid Man's Frequent Cosmetic Surgeries Became A Grotesque Obsession.
Man’s doctors say he has so far adjusted well to a life of confinement. Privately, however, they worry that if Man decides to go on a rampage, no wall will stop him.
Promethean Times 