01 Monday Aug 2011
Tags
1981, August 1, back in the day, MTV, old people, people with short attention spans, this day in history
On which begins the assault upon America’s already-attenuated attention span.
Yeah, The 'M' Actually Stands For 'Music.' It Makes More Sense If You're Old.
25 Monday Jul 2011
Tags
Adolf Hitler, Austria, Belgium, don't hate us because we're ignorant, famous Austrians, Idi Amin Dada, outright lies, places that suck, pure evil, Uganda? No that's a myth. He was from Belgium.
Idi Amin: Belgium's Favorite Son Gained Renown As A First-Rate Asshole.
Most objective observers will readily agree that not only is Promethean Times one of the world’s leading outlets for critical news and hard data, but is also darn near infallible. As much as we would wish otherwise, these powers of almost deific accuracy do not extend to all of our readers. For some tragically simple members of our audience, PT can be a confusing, scary place.
Despite Winning The Talent Competition With The Help Of His Living Shadow, Belgium's Mr. Universe Representative Fared Poorly In All Other Aspects Of The Competition.
Recently, a Promethean Times exposé on the rampant iniquities of Belgium, that nefarious nation of nasty ne’er-do-wells, has inadvertently caused some international hurt feelings. At least two anonymous respondents (this anonymity is unsurprising when it is remembered that most Belgians do not have individual names, but identify one another through a complex cocktail of pheromones) allege that Promethean Times incorrectly implied internationally-despised dick Adolf Hitler had been born in Belgium. In fact, the heinous dictator hailed from Austria. It was never our intention to imply that history’s most reviled personage was of Belgian birth, and while we believe that our message was clear and straightforward, we nonetheless understand the powerful feelings evoked by this misinterpretation.
Belgian President Schml Jurgenvrk Wasted No Time In Issuing A Firm Response To Promethean Times, But It Was In Whatever Language Those People Speak--Jörg! Jörg! Jörg!--So We Just Tuned Him Out. It Was Probably Just More BS About This Year's Beet Crop. Seriously, We Don't Want To Hear One More Word About The Fucking Beet Weevil.
However, Promethean Times stands by its decision to include among Belgium’s notable figures the man who once deemed the low-lying country “my spiritual home,” calling it “full of gentle folk who share my unique appreciation for living space and abiding love for 99% of God’s creatures.” Belgians wholeheartedly requited this affection, clasping the genocidal madman to their collective breast. In 1947 Belgium demonstrated this ardor by changing the name of the nation’s capital from Wäfflesburg to Hitlertown.
Belgium: It's Around Here Somewhere.
19 Tuesday Jul 2011
Tags
ABBA, Adolf Hitler, bad cops, Bar Harbor, Barry Zito, Beacon Hill, cannabis, Casey Anthony, childhood obesity, Coors, Coors is horse piss, country music, dope, drugs, fat kids, fat people, gay people, Georgia, Germany, Happy Days, headlines, Hebrew Nationals, Hugh Hefner, HURRR!, Jennifer Lopez, jerky, LAPD, Maine, Marc Anthony, marijuana, Miller, NAACP, obesity, piñata, police brutality, Pope Benedict XVI, pot, Pringles, quaint lighthouses, reefer, revenge shooting, Rodney King, sharks, Smaktakula's decades-old vendetta against the French, Space Shuttle, Space Shuttle Atlantis, sweet sweet cheeba, the French, VE Day, weed, whitey, Why am I so fat?, WWII
Yeah, But France Was Smart Enough To Quit Before Anyone Got Hurt.
Hugh Hefner Already Has New Girlfriend ~ However, her name is being withheld since she’s a minor.
Confessions of a Gay Christian Country Singer ~ My dog died, my truck done broke, I got stinkin’ drunk and then I hit the clubs with Jesus and danced the night away to ABBA mashups, out of my fucking head on two hits of E and a little crystal.
36 Hours in Bar Harbor, Me. ~ “Oh, look–Another lighthouse–and even quainter than the last. I wish I were dead.”
Toddler was victim of revenge shootings ~ Before you judge, we should let you know–he was a bad boy.
“Shoplifters Will Be Prosecuted To The Fullest Extent Of The Law.”
Trip to Minors gives Zito new perspective ~ For one, the weed is different in Fresno.
Pope Benedict XVI Praises Jesus In First Ever Tweet ~ Considering that the Pope’s phone was purchased with company money, it makes sense that his first tweet would be big ups to the boss.
Whitey’s influence felt on Beacon Hill ~To hear the NAACP tell it, Whitey’s influence goes a lot deeper than that.
Do Obese Kids Need to be Placed in Foster Care? ~ Being a foster parent is a tough enough job without having to spend the extra dough to feed these human baleen.
He Pays For Himself. Check The Folds Once A Month And Collect The Accumulated Loose Change.
Casey Anthony jurors explain their thinking ~ HURRRRRRRR!
Great White Sharks Off the Coast of Georgia? ~ Not out of the question–sharks like jerky, too.
Happy Days actors accuse CBS of ‘despicable conduct’ ~ According to the group’s spokesman, R. Malph, CBS can “Sit on it, Bucko!”
Hitler’s Talking Dogs ~ Ärfen! Ärfen!
At Least He Fed Them Well.
MillerCoors kicked off state shelves ~ People were forced to drink beer that wasn’t carbonated jackal piss.
What Would ‘The Good Wife’ Do? ~ She’d make us a sandwich. What? You asked.
Jennifer Lopez, Marc Anthony call it quits ~ If these two lovebirds can’t make it work, what hope is there for the rest of us?
Shuttle Atlantis’ Astronauts Get Sunday Off in Space ~ “Hey, Stu–how did you spend your day off?” *** “How do you think? Floating around in this high-tech Pringles can–same as you. God, you’re such a fucking asshole.”
Rodney King busted on suspicion of driving under the influence in California ~ OFFICERS ADVISED TO PROCEED WITH CAUTION!
‘Person’ And ‘Piñata’: Two Terms Often Confused By The LAPD.
14 Thursday Jul 2011
Tags
1789, Bastille Day, France, French Revolution, July 14, Louis XVI, Smaktakula's decades-old vendetta against the French, Storming of the Bastille, the French, the French people's love of stinky things, true meanings of holidays
Celebrating that day in 1789 when the French people rose as one to protest Louis XVI’s hated mandatory bathing protocols.
If It Smells Good, It Didn't Come From France.
13 Wednesday Jul 2011
Tags
Arab Spring, comical despots, empty threats, Libya, Muammar al-Gaddafi, paper tiger, places that suck, Sarlacc, that trick never works, Tombstone, Tripoli, tyrannical dickheads
When oil-rich backwater Libya was caught up in the so-called ‘Arab Spring’ in late February, it seemed only a matter of time before unrepentant dickhead Muammar al-Gaddafi would be deposed and shortly thereafter executed, his leathery carcass cast into the Sarlacc pit while a new and equally despotic regime arose to take his place. It would appear, however, that this analysis grossly underestimates the sand-despot’s ability to cling tenaciously to power like a tick nestled against a dog’s belly. He’s still there.
"Are You Gonna Do Something, Or Just Stand There And Bleed? Go On, Skin That Smokewagon!"
11 Monday Jul 2011
Tags
copping a feel, dead girl, death mask, France, L'Inconnue de la Seine, Rescue Annie, River Seine, second base, Smaktakula's decades-old vendetta against the French, Smooth Criminal, suicide, the French, the French people's love of stinky things, the unknown woman of the Seine
She's Okay, We Guess. Still, We Wouldn't Build An Entire Industry Around Her.
Today, the story of L’Inconnue de la Seine, or ‘the unknown woman of the Seine,’ is virtually lost to the public at large. Even those encyclopedic human housemice familiar with the obscure tale of the lovely, long-ago suicide know little more about the mysterious young woman than do those legions of people who make better use of their free time. Yet the iconic face of L’Inconnue de la Seine is one of the most recognized visages throughout the world.
When It Was Fished From The Fetid Waters Of The Seine, The Waterlogged Corpse Didn't Smell Any Worse Than A Typical French Girl.
Sometime in the late 19th Century, so the story goes, the lifeless body of a young woman was found drifting in the filthy waters of the River Seine in Paris. Workers at the morgue thought the waterlogged suicide so lovely that they commissioned the creation of a plaster death mask to capture her remarkable features for eternity.
Annie, Are You Okay? Are You Okay? Are You Okay, Annie?
Not such a dubious choice as it turns out, the anonymous suicide’s image remained popular for many years, often as a delightful household ornament. But the mysterious deathless girl’s greatest contribution to modern culture is as the face of Rescue Annie, the CPR doll that has provided the first tentative sexual experiences for several generations of adolescent boys.
Meet Annie's Tarty Cousin, 'Release Amelia."
04 Monday Jul 2011
Tags
2011, dumb kids and the dumb things they do to fuck up their lives, fireworks, holidays, Independence Day, July 4th, United States of America
Fireworks: Even More Fun Outdoors.
29 Wednesday Jun 2011
Tags
America's TV Mom, Brady Bunch, Carol Brady, childish sexual innuendo, crabs, crotch lobsters, embarrassing ailments, extramarital affairs, Florence Henderson, itching sensation, John Lindsay, New York City, parasitic creatures, politicians, pubic lice, skankery, TMI, Wesson, Wessonality!, Where Are They Now?
Funny, All We Taste Is Shellfish.
Septuagenarian actress and former MILF Florence Henderson is back in the news with revelations that might have best been kept to herself. In her forthcoming memoir, Life is not a Stage, the actress best known for playing ‘Carol Brady’ on The Brady Bunch and as a Wesson spokeswoman revealed that she’d contracted crabs from a 1960’s one-night stand with then-NYC mayor, John Lindsay.
Lindsay Discovers To His Horror That The Little Critters Don't Confine Themselves To The Nether-Regions; They Get In Your Hair, Too.
Henderson waited to tell her story until after both Lindsay and his wife (to whom the politician was married at the time of the affair) were dead. However, for good or ill, the public perception of Henderson has changed forever From this point on it will be difficult to look at “America’s TV Mom” in quite the same way. In fact, it may be impossible to think about her without feeling a disquieting itch just south of your belt buckle.
Here's The Story Of The Crab O'Grady, Who Was Hiding In Some Very Lovely Curls.
27 Monday Jun 2011
Tags
Americans of Singularity Descent, Amy Winehouse, Ayman al-Zawahiri, bad parents, bilingual, black holes, Chicago, corruption, death by drunk driving, dictators, flash mob, Frank McCourt, gender issues, headlines, human feces, Jackass, Julia Sweeney, Keith Richards, Libya, Los Angeles Dodgers, Mexican drug cartel, Minot, NATO, New Jersey, Newt Gingrich, North Dakota, playground beatings, Ryan Dunn, San Francisco Giants, Snooki, Spelling Bee, thanks a lot mom, untouchables, Yoko Ono
Because who has time to read the articles, right?
One Of The Few Periodicals To Meet Our Exacting Journalistic Standards.
Parents keep child’s gender secret ~ Regardless of the creature’s gender, it’s destined to grow up to be a smug, self-righteous fucknugget like Mom & Dad.
“Thanks A Lot, Mom And Dad!”
The Bilingual Advantage ~ The big advantage is knowing when the help is talking about you.
‘I shot the cruellest dictator in the Americas ~ “But I did not shoot the deputy cruellest dictator in the Americas.”
Sukanya Roy, 14, wins Scripps National Spelling Bee with ‘cymotrichous’ ~ If only Sukanya’s special power could prevent the inevitable playground beatings.
Is Frank McCourt really the worst owner in baseball? ~ Does Ayman al-Zawahiri still own a controlling interest in the San Francisco Giants? Otherwise it’s Frank, hands down.
His Palatial Home Is Built Entirely From The Bones Of Kittens.
Death of 91-year-old spotlights line between care and killing ~ And, at 91, plain old bad luck.
Gingrich campaign hit by defections ~ We would like this a lot better if Newt were hit with ‘defecation.’
Ancient sea turtle discovered in N.J. ~ Sorry to get the scientists so hot & bothered for a false alarm, but you knew all that fake tanning would catch up to Snooki eventually.
If You’ve Never Gotten Really Drunk And Then Humped A Bright Orange Beach Ball, You Aren’t In A Position To Judge.
Love thy neighbor: Son’s killer moves next door ~ Find out what happens when people stop being polite…and start getting real. Thursdays at 10 PM on MTV.
Mexican cartels now using tanks ~ The world must act now before cartel scientists manage to create or steal enough fissionable material to create la bomba de gran tamaño.
Chicago Police Brace for ‘Flash Mob’ Attack ~Not to worry–the mob owns Chicago PD.
With A Combined Weight Of 678 Pounds And Only One Mustache Between Them, It Takes Four Untouchables To Equal One Modern-Day Chicago Cop.
Murdered woman recorded fight with husband before death ~ When you marry a woman who’s smarter than you are, you’re just asking for trouble.
Japan scientist synthesizes meat from human feces ~ Known popularly as ‘The Yoko Ono Story.’
NATO strike kills 15 Libyan civilians ~Considering Lockerbie, the Libyan people still owe the free world about 245 souls, give or take.
Black holes abound in early universe ~ We thought the world had moved past all this racist nonsense.
Amy Winehouse added to the list of biggest boos ~ Because, heaven knows, she’s not gonna make the list for ‘biggest boobs.’
It’s A Given That You Won’t Go Back To Rehab, No, No, No. But If We Paid For A Boob Job, Would You Go, Go, Go?
Rolling Stones’ Keith Richards ‘put his teeth back in with superglue’ ~ Then what happened?
4000 Minot homes to be swamped by day’s end ~ Dear God! Our sense of what is normal and right has been turned on its head. We had no clue that more than 150 people lived in Minot, North Dakota.
Friend remembers Ryan Dunn’s last moments ~ Really? Because it seems like those last moments were the worst.
“Someday The Mountain Might Get Me,” Dunn Told Perplexed Friends In The Days Before The ‘Accident,’ Swearing, “But The Law Never Will.”
18 Saturday Jun 2011
Tags
1815, ABBA, Belgium, Corsica, Duke of Wellington, famous short people, Hougomont, June 18, Napoleon Bonaparte, scholars, shut-ins, Smaktakula's decades-old vendetta against the French, Surprise!, surrender-monkeys, talking the talk, that trick never works, the French, this day in history, walking the walk, Waterloo
On which the French and English clash in Belgium, with Napoleon Bonaparte’s forces smashing into British lines at Hougoumont in what he hopes will prove the Duke of Wellington’s own personal Waterloo.
An Interesting Historical Tidbit Known Mostly To Scholars And Other Friendless Shut-Ins: The French Once Walked The Walk.*
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