Our Advice Is To Not Take Everything At Face Value.
Greetings From The Magical Land Of ‘I Don’t Get It’
19 Tuesday Apr 2011
Posted in Stupidity
Category Archives: Stupidity
One-Legged Hag Refuses To Let Senility Destroy Her Dreams Of Second-Time Motherhood
19 Tuesday Apr 2011
Tags
adult adoption, California politics, creepy, famous for nothing, famous Hungarians, Frédèric Prinz von Anhalt, gold digger, hot long ago, in-vitro fertilization, Kaiser Wilhelm II, old people, perverted science, pregnancy, sperm donor, that trick never works, untalented stars, Zsa Zsa Gabor
By Smaktakula
For Reals: Zsa Zsa Was Hot Long Ago.
Creepy gold-digger Frédèric Prinz von Anhalt announced recently that his wife, superannuated entertainment oddity Zsa Zsa Gabor, would like to have another child at 94. Anhalt has reportedly spent $100,000 for the procedure.
Gabor, most famous for slapping a police officer, was a forerunner of today’s reality stars, who traded on her image rather than talents or actual accomplishments. Although her list of film credits is relatively meager, the Hungarian harridan has tenaciously managed to keep herself in the tabloids.
"Better Get That Camera Out Of Here. Me And The Missus May Start On That Baby Right Now, If You Know What I Mean."
Those who are dubious about Gabor’s supposed quest for 2nd-time motherhood have derided the couple’s plan as an obscene affront against nature. The crone has had difficulty walking since a 2002 car accident, and recently had her gangrenous right leg removed. Anhalt explains that while Gabor’s desiccated body would be used as a host for the pregnancy, the couple would be soliciting the help of a donor, and would not be relying on the ancient actresses’ rotten eggs.
Anhalt, who gained his title after being adopted as an adult by the last surviving relative of Kaiser Wilhelm II, briefly considered a run for Governor of California before withdrawing to care for Gabor. Anhalt has on more than one occasion returned the favor by adopting an adult male. Now, however, the wily Kraut plans to employ perverted science to create biological children, proudly announcing that he’d already donated sperm to the cause.
The Personal Style Of A Prince: Start With A Dollop Of Prussian Officer And Liberal Amounts Of Sgt. Pepper, With Just A Dash Of Captain EO.
OC Republicans Take Racism To New Low
18 Monday Apr 2011
Tags
Barack Obama, California, double standards, George W. Bush, GOP, hypersensitivity, hypocrisy, imaginary racism, Klansmen, opossums, Orange County, racism, Republican Party, Republicans, Sarah Palin, sexism
By Smaktakula
OC Republicans Enjoying Their Semi-Annual Retreat At Dana Point.
Just when America thinks it has a handle on its deep-seated racism, something comes along to stir the flames. Marilyn Davenport, a member of the Orange County Republican Committee, recently circulated an email with a picture of President Obama’s face superimposed on an ape’s body.
Although Davenport ridiculously claims not to have considered the President’s race when sending out this bigoted email, most commentators were able to see through her diaphanous veil of chicanery. To call this ugly attack on the President–and all African-Americans–anything other than racism is to deny reality.
Although the Republicans will no doubt attempt to throw Davenport under the bus by stripping her of her position, it’s highly probable that many share Davenport’s pernicious views. Although many Republicans voted for Obama in 2008, making the United States the first Western nation to elect a black man as Chief Executive, it’s likely they voted this way so that they could finally take their hate to a national level.
This Is The Kind Of Sexist Filth That--Oh Wait--Is That Sarah Palin? Funny Stuff!
Here’s a simple primer, with several acceptable images and one which is offensive:
This Is Not Racist.
Nor This.
Still Not Racist.
Cool.
This Is Fine.
This One Is Also Okay.
Completely Free Of Racial Animus.
Acceptable.
This Is Simply Vile. We Are So Sorry You Had To See This.
On a related note:
Is It Ever Okay To Compare A Person Or Group Of People To A Family Of Opossums? No, Not For Any Particular Reason--We Were Just Wondering.
K-Fed, Serial Impregnator
08 Friday Apr 2011
Tags
baby daddy, Britney Spears, career death by K-Fed, famous for nothing, haters gonna hate, K-Fed, Kevin Federline, professional baby daddy, Rebecca Black, serial impregnator, Shar Jackson, untalented stars, Victoria Prince, white trash
By Smaktakula
"I Have This Many Childrens Now!" Good Try, Kev--You Got A Little Closer That Time.
Professional baby-daddy Kevin ‘K-Fed’ Federline has likely spawned his fifth child according to a source close to the expectant mother, former professional volleyball player Victoria Prince. K-Fed’s brood currently includes two children with actress Shar Jackson and a pair with white trash survivor Britney Spears.
Say What You Will About The Man, But No Shortage Of Reasonably Attractive Women Are Willing To Sleep With Him.
Of the many roles K-Fed has played over the years (backup dancer, rap artist, career-killer) none appears to satisfy him as much as fatherhood, particularly since siring children is the only activity for which he has shown any measurable aptitude. It’s a safe bet that K-Fed will continue to knock ladies up for years to come, so long as there remains at least one kind soul who will let him do it.
Who Will Be Next? "You Like Fridays? NO WAY!--I Like Fridays, Too!"
Bonus: K-Fed’s immortal ‘Popozão.’
That shit is fire, we assure you.
Po, Po, Po, Po, Popozão, Popozão!
Charlie Sheen Downgraded From ‘Douchebag’ Status In Light Of Illness
04 Monday Apr 2011
Tags
batshit crazy, Charlie Sheen, Charlie Sheen is a drugged-out wifebeater, Charlie Sheen is batshit crazy, Charlie Sheen Will Never Escape The Brat Pack's Terrible Event Horizon, Chicago, death by Special Fred, Detroit, douchebaggery, dweebs, geeks, Illinois, LARPers, mental illness, mental illness is not funny, Michigan, My Violent Torpedo of Truth/Death is Not an Option, nerds, Special Fred, Special Olympics, the Warlock, trainwrecks, winning
By Smaktakula
Seriously, Charlie Isn't Even Trying To Make It Difficult For Us Anymore.
After lengthy consultations with prominent physicians, lawyers and spiritual advisors, Promethean Times has agreed to conditionally rescind Charlie Sheen’s douchebag status. The doomed former television personality’s obvious mental illness likely indicates a complete lack of control over his own life and career, both of which are in freefall.
Possibly the only individual in the Western World not fully cognizant of the pathetic nature of the actor’s plight is the Warlock himself. The toothless cretin received a warm reaction from a Chicago audience during staging of his spectacle, My Violent Torpedo of Truth/Death is Not an Option, despite being nearly booed off the stage at the debut in Detroit.
Also Called 'The Warlock,' But He Had The Name First. If You Don't Believe Him, As His Mom. She Worked On The Costume.
Along with thousands and perhaps millions of other publications, Promethean Times has repeatedly mocked Sheen in the past. We’re going to try really hard not to do so in the future.
Seemingly overnight, picking on Charlie Sheen has become like heckling an athlete at the Special Olympics. Sure, it seems like a good idea, and it’s pretty easy to do–but it leaves you spiritually untethered and consumed with bitter self-loathing.
"Dude, You Were Warned To Stop Saying That Shit. Now Freddy's Gonna Have To Make You Bleed."
TV Still Safe For Morons
24 Thursday Mar 2011
Tags
America's Funniest Home Videos, As the World Turns, Baguette wasn't our first choice, Benny Hill, Bob Saget, India, Jeopardy!, Louie Anderson, morons, mouth-breathing halfwits, soap operas, television, the vast wasteland, TV makes you stupid, Two and a Half Men
By Smaktakula
Mouth-Breathing Ignoramuses Worldwide Ask, "Why There Not More TV Shows For I?"
It’s no secret that television gets a bad rap. Labelled ‘A Vast Wasteland’ within years of its invention, TV hasn’t been given much of a chance. And much like a person awoken from sleep by a phone call, people will go to ridiculous lengths to refuse to admit that they watch TV.
"If Maybelle Don't Get To Watch Her Stories, She Starts Thinkin' 'Bout Things. I Need That Like I Need Another Hole In My Head."
Most of these people are lying. The ever-expanding menu of specialized channels, internet-to-television streaming along with piles upon piles of data suggest that people are watching the small screen more than ever. As counterintuitive as it might seem, the device often referred to as the “idiot box” may actually be helping to improve lives around the globe.
Proving Every Day That The Really Talented Fat Comedians Die Young.
A tremendous variety of educational programming is available for viewers, plus scads of infotainment shows on cooking, wildlife, home decor, ghostbusting and the like. Thanks to shows like Sesame Street, television helps to prepare youngsters for school. Perhaps most surprising are studies from India which show a correlation between the availability of cable television and an increase in the living standard of women.
So if TV isn’t the mindless entertainment we’ve always believed it to be, what does this mean for the world’s slackjawed halfwits, who see the demise of Two and a half Men as the end of an era, drowning their fears with a glut of Benny Hill reruns? Have no fear, television has not forgotten its sub-moronic roots: for the discriminating lackwit, there are a plethora of shitty shows like Deal or No Deal and the odious America’s Funniest Home Videos.
We'd Think A Guy With Two Of The All-Time Shittiest TV Shows Under His Belt AND Whose Name Rhymes With . . .'Baguette' . . . Would Be A Little Funnier.
Let’s take a moment to thank these uncreative men and women who bring us intellectually challenged programing. With everyone pandering to America’s elite, it’s nice to see someone’s still looking out for the drooling moron who can’t get off the couch.
Thanks To The Dumbing Down Of America, Foreigners Aren't Just Taking Our Jobs--They're Also Taking Our Spot On Jeopardy!
Michael Lohan: Bad Father, Even Badder Boyfriend
23 Wednesday Mar 2011
Tags
bad parents, Celebrity Rehab, cradle robbers, Dina Lohan, Dino Flintstone, domestic violence, famous for nothing, gold digger, Lindsay Lohan's father, Michael Lohan, Michael Lohan is a turd with eyes, MiLo, untalented stars
By Smaktakula
Get Your Facts Straight: MiLo Doesn't Enjoy Hitting Women. It's Just Necessary For His Sense Of Self-Worth.
It’s hard to find many people who pity slimy CelebriMom Dina Lohan, but Kate Major can now count herself among that select few. Until just a few days ago, Major shared a bed with Lohan’s troubled ex-husband, the cretinous Michael ‘MiLo’ Lohan. The fairytale May-December romance came to a crashing end when Lohan got violent.
Apparently, the cradle-robbing cretin escaped free from Celebrity Rehab compound (where Lohan’s presence strains the definition of the word ‘Celebrity’) before finding the terrified Major with a female friend. Here the accounts of MiLo’s rampage grow fuzzy. Although most reports list Major as being on the receiving end of MiLo’s self-loathing rage, a few list Major’s friend as the victim. Not in dispute is this: Michael Lohan hits women.
Dino Lohan Claims That Being Married To MiLo Is Like Living With A Neanderthal.
MiLo cries foul at these accusations, and in a sadly unsurprising move, accuses the much smaller Major of being violent toward him. Chasing this dubious tactic to its inevitable extreme, the dirty old man contends that the bruises Major has been sporting lately have been the product of makeup, and not MiLo’s fists. MiLo was so upset upon his arrest that he began to have chest pains, and spent the night in Cedar-Sinai under the watchful eye of an on-duty police officer.
Upon hearing the news, Major was less than sympathetic: “The heart issues get old and he’s obviously strong enough to hit a woman but not a man. Everything he said is a lie or a vindictive threat.”
MiLo's Holding Her Mother Hostage. That's The Only Possible Explanation.
Despite the threat of several felonies, Lohan will be charged only with a misdemeanor, proving once again that justice loves a scumbag. Although this will enable MiLo to get back to hitting women much more quickly than anticipated, don’t expect to see Kate Major helping him bolster his fragile sense of self-esteem– It looks like MiLo will have to find another girl to knock around. Of her despicable Ex, Major says, “I wish he’d shut up and go to jail.”
MiLo Is Hoping His Next Girlfriend Isn't So Damn Lippy.
Beautiful Spam II: I Am Because Effective Like A Train Engine
18 Friday Mar 2011
Posted in Stupidity
Tags
Bryan Adams, Canadians, Celine Dion, feedback, French-speaking peoples, methamphetamine, spam, spammers
By Smaktakula and Others
The feedback we receive from readers is always a treat. Whether they’re gently reminding us of a difference in opinion or cheerfully describing the fates of our hell-bound souls, they always give us something to think about. But it might surprise you to know that even the tons upon tons of spam we recieve have something to offer. See for yourself:
Actually, We're Fine With It If It's Quality Spam.
So I am joyous I at last encountered this web site merely because I really was attempting to get it for a period of time as this is a pretty entertaining location
Thanks. We like it too.
Pants weakened their replica, slapped the sisterhood along the effects with his authorities didn’t a audience. The magnum revolver, kidding my replica, left he without the means of the bronze, been through she, threw he to his none and me couldn’t down the presence to the tea. Cherry did complicated.
Promethean Times will never kid your replica. That’s a promise.
I know you’d like to defend your maple-syrup drinking breathern up North who can’t even figure out how to win in the Olympics THEY host when they spend 9 months of the year playing Winter sports, but… let’s face it, the only thing Canada can do right is health care and a balanced immigration policy. That’s it!
Wow. Bryan Adams really hurt you, huh?
"Pourquoi Avez-Vous Prendre Mon Nordiques?"
Each event can be labeled by four numbers: a time coordinate and three space coordinates; thus spacetime is a four-dimensional space.
Bet you didn’t realize you’d be learning something today.
plus I’d usually identified if We built a smaller amount searching that we might get more searching. I am because effective like a train engine. I basically developed that variety of the choice.
‘I am because effective like a train engine.’ We’re putting that one on our resumes.
He also said I live on the high ground so everybody is plastered and laughing about the tsunami that didnt happen. I still dont know if the character Im playing is gonna be ultimately bad good or somewhere in between.
That’s a bold tactic. You’re aware now that the tsunami did happen, yes?
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Thank you so much! Those are without a doubt the greatest lengths anyone has gone to be familiar with our website trendy.
So Where Do All Those Creative Ideas Come From?
Terms of EndearmentWouldnt watch it.Boomer shit.1984Red DawnSee capsule review Doctor Ruth WestheimerWhy you naughty little elf!I miss that naughty little elf.Murray Heads One Night in Bangkok Auuaarrgh!Man my folks dragged me around to every fucking furniture store in the state one day and I swear every furniture store had this on their fucking radio.It would go away on one store the next store itd be starting right back up.So it was literally played to death along the whole band.Son of a bitch…Band-AidNaw that cant be.I got a 78 Wacky Package of band ache so they gotta go back to the 70s at least.Yeah I went through a lot of these.Ohhh…the charity concert…Meh.Children of the CornSaw it later on HBO.Wasnt a fan.Didnt scare me.Annoyed me that the kids were being so shitty.Reminded me of the playground.New EditionUm…know the name…aint ringing any bells otherwise…Hair mousse Eye roll AmadeusAh the movie.Didnt see it finally until fairly recently on Loved it.Probably historically inaccurate as hell but eh…Doug Fluties hail mary passDont care.Rodney Dangerfields Rappin Rodney Rap jumped the shark right here and yet still it would not die.No ones had the resolve to do what must be done.And no killers of Tupac and Biggie that wasnt it youre fuckin stupid.You made martyrs now matters are worse.VoltronOuch…has not held up.Caught reruns and…painful…Calculator watchDidnt have one.Had a Transformer watch though.Great way to smuggle a toy into school.Romancing the StoneMeh pretty good.Designer shoelacesNot my bag.SnorksLock stock and barrel Smurfs ripoff.They had more girls though so you didnt get the creepy vibe they were gang-banging one chick like with Smurfette.Anti-fur movement Nose crinkle Weve got HUMANS to save you goofy pseudo-hippie douchebags.I love animals but fuck prioritize.Throwing paint on a rich old twats coat does absolutely NOTHING to make the world a better place.TVs Bloopers Practical JokesLotta lameness on this show.Sergio Aragones from Mad and Groo did the little cartoon janitor so…thats something.Police AcademyFucking Guuutenbeeerrg!!1985Bob Ross The Joy of PaintingDoes NO ONE remember the guy who preceeded him Liked him better.Bob Ross creeped me out.Gave me the vibe of a guy with a windowless van down by a park.Monster trucksSunday!! Pepper was to records and Empire Strikes Back was to movies this was to games up to that point.Quite an event.MoonstruckDidnt see it.Chick flick.Baby Jessica falls down a wellDid the real national news really have to hover over this?Shouldnt they I dunno have been keeping tabs on Osama Bin Laden?Asking uncomfortable questions at Goldmann Sachs?Somethin like that?I dunno.Guess I expect too much huh?Silly me.Lee Press-On nails Eye roll Throw Momma from the TrainAfter all that…the ending it comes from nowhere…its like the editing machine puked…WTF?Anyway momma was the gang leader in Goonies.Disturbing woman.I miss her.Microwave ovenWeve got to install microwave ovens!Custom kitchen deliveray-ay-ay-ayyy!!Weve got to move these!
You’ve got something there, son. Just a little bit of editing, maybe a couple of pictures with snarky captions and you’re good to go!
Supreme Court Justice Elena Kagan Takes A Terrible Picture No Matter The Angle
11 Friday Mar 2011
Tags
Elena Kagan, people with appearance deficits, Smaktakula's hypocrisy can sometimes be astounding, Supreme Court, ugly people, you got a real purty mouth
By Smaktakula
There. We said it.
So were we wrong?
Sometimes we like to showcase our highbrow political stuff. ∞T.
Keep It Kosher, Kermit
04 Friday Mar 2011
Tags
childish sexual innuendo, Chinese food, frog-on-pig action, Frogs, Kermit the Frog, Miss Piggy, muppets, pigs, the love which dare not speak its name
By Smaktakula
"Would You Care To Know Why *MOI*--Renowned Star Of Stage And Screen, Chooses To Douche With Honey And Vinegar? HMM?"
"Because I Love Sweet And Sour Pork."
Promethean Times 