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Tag Archives: stupid shit little girls like

The Magical World Of Make-Believe

09 Monday May 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, Stupidity

≈ 4 Comments

Tags

Avatar, comic books, cosplay, costumes, Dr. Who, drugs, fandom, Hellboy, Lara Croft, living in mom's basement, Lodi, make believe, Pokemon, pregoo porn, rites of childhood, Ron Jeremy, sexless adults, Star Trek, stupid shit little girls like, too fat to wear that, your mother must be very proud

By Smaktakula

This Is Either Adorable Or Degrading Depending On How You Look At It.

Among the time-honored rites of childhood is playing make-believe.  As murderous outlaw cowboys, fairy princesses, dauntless firefighters or myriad other fantastical and heroic roles, children push the boundaries of the possible before the realities of adulthood grind their little spirits to dust.  Nine-year old Billy may be destined for a life of junior management at the Lodi Rite-Aid, but for this brief and priceless time he can be a gridiron hero, space cowboy or one of those annoying blue critters from Avatar.

The Glasses And Cleavage Are Nice, But The Lollipop Is The Pièce De Résistance.

Fortunately for the emotionally-stunted and other sexless adults, in 2011, dress-up is not limited to children or the mentally challenged; more and more, people over the age of eleven are embracing the magical world of make-believe.  They call it cosplay.

Cosplay, which Wikipedia charitably calls ‘performance art,’ isn’t going away any time soon.  Thanks to the proliferation of various fandom conventions–comic books, Star Trek, Dr. Who and their ilk–cosplayers have become emboldened through interaction like-minded individuals, where in ages past they would have been limited to practicing their hobby in dim and lonely basement, their sole audience a badly cracked full-length mirror.

Cosplay Pioneers Such As This One Had To Practice Their Art Behind Closed Doors.

Having crawled out into the sun, it is foolish to believe that these merry masters of make-believe will just as quickly slink back into the faerie forest.  In this way cosplay is like illegal drugs or preggo porn, enough people want to do it regardless of the very serious harm which may result, and so the war must turn to one of management rather than eradication.

It is imperative then that we educate the public–and not merely the cosplaying fringe–about engaging in safe make-believe practices, and also about the very real dangers of improper cosplay.  The following illustrations should suffice to impart upon even the most casual observer a basic knowledge of the DOs & DON’Ts of this bizarre hobby.

Cosplay:  There’s a right way, and so very many wrong ways.

Sadly, Wolverine's Uncanny Powers Of Regeneration Do Not Extend To His Hairline.

Now They Call Her 'Fridge Raider.'

Cody Bunning IS Hellboy--Thanks To Makeup And Mom's Credit Card.

Even If Your Goal Was To Not Look Like A Complete Tool From The Waist Up, We'd Say It's At Best A Partial Success.

You're Doing It Right.

You're Doing It Wrong.

Poor Hygiene Means You Sit Alone.

This Sailor Moon Comes With Her Own Gravitational Field.

"It's The Role I Was Born To Play!"

Clothes Do Nothing For Ron Jeremy.

No, You're Right--She's A Perfectly Lovely Young Lady. We Just Can't Help Being A Little . . . Underwhelmed.

If Someone Hasn't Told You By Now, Profile Is Not Your Best Angle.

She Gets It.

He Doesn't.

Historically We Have Been Opposed To Forced Sterilization. However, We Make Exceptions.

Faisal And His Four Brides Were A Hit At The Islamabad Convention.

Many Lamps Were Rubbed That Day.

You Wouldn't Think Robin The Boy Wonder Could Be Made Any Lamer, But There You Go.

Yeah, The Ladies Have Let Themselves Go. But Copious Quantities Of Alcohol Will Transform The Chick On The Left Into The Supergirl We Met A Few Panels Ago.

We're Reasonably Sure That Jabba The Hutt Didn't Deck Himself Out In An Orange Prison Jumpsuit.

We'd Give You A Lot More To Have Never Put That Awful Image In Our Heads.

Jody Isn't Just A Rabid Sailor Moon Fan--She's Actually Got Rabies.

Cosplay Isn't Just For Normals. Special Kids Like To Dress Up, Too.

Your Mothers Must Be Very Proud.

KILL IT! DO IT NOW! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, KILL THAT UNHOLY THING!

It Takes Creativity, Design Skill And A Sense Of Fun. Dignity Not Necessary.

Marry Us.

Bin Laden: The Final Hours

02 Monday May 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, Crime, Culture, History, News, Religion

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

9/11, bin Laden dead, dicks, Ding Dong the Dick is Dead!, famous martyrs, Glee, Islam, Osama bin Laden, stupid shit little girls like, The Great Satan, United States of America

By Smaktakula

REVEALED!  The fatal missteps which led first to the betrayal and then slaying by US forces of 9/11 mastermind and all-around-dick Osama bin Laden.

"Ibrahim, Buddy--It's Totally Awesome Of You To Let Me Crash Here, Man. A Cave Gets Old Really Quick."

"It's Cool, Osama--Mi Casa Es Tu Casa!"

"You Are Too Kind, My Friend. I Know This Has Been A Hardship For You. I've Made A Pretty Big Mess With All My Stuff, Plus, The Great Satan Would Pay A King's Ransom To Know Where I Am Staying Tonight."

"Let The Americans Spend Their Riches In Hell. I Do Not Want Their Filthy Blood Money. I Would Not Betray You For All The Riches In The World."

"I Know This, My Friend. You've Done More For Me Than I Can Repay. Speaking Of Which, Did You Want Me To Throw You A Couple Bucks For All The Food I Ate?"

"No Need, My Friend, No Need! It's Nice Just To Have You Here. By The Way, Did You See A VHS Cassette Lying Around? I've Missed The Last Two Episodes Of My Favorite Show, And Want To Watch It Tonight."

Thanks For Being Cool About The Food, Man--I'm Pretty Broke Anyway. And Did The VHS Cassette Say 'GLEE' On It? 'Cause I'm Pretty Sure I Taped Over It To Make A Message To The Crusaders. Sorry, Bro--My Bad. Still, We All Do What We Can For The Struggle, Right?"

Moronic Song Inspires Moronic Death Threats

29 Friday Apr 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, Crime, Culture, Music, News

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

Adam Lambert, Auto-Tune, Bono, devolution, Emil Haagerdäddi, Friday, Good Charlotte, John Hinckley Jr., John Lennon, Kirstie Alley, Kurt Cobain, Mark David Chapman, psychos, Rebecca Black, stupid people, stupid shit little girls like, Susan Boyle, The Catcher in the Rye, Twilight, untalented stars, weirdos, William Hung, Yoko Ono

By Smaktakula

Once Upon A Time, Psychos Shot Public Figures To Impress Acclaimed Actresses. Today They'll Do It For Kirstie Alley.

The world has changed a great deal since Mark David Chapman was convinced by overrated teen-angst novel The Catcher in the Rye that John Lennon was a “phony” and needed to die.  Although Chapman will be forever hated as the man who killed John Lennon but didn’t kill Yoko Ono when he had the chance, it must be granted that in selecting the former Beatle as the target for his psychopathic rage, he was certainly aiming high.

Still Alive. Why, God? Why?

In 2011, fringy weirdos are apparently under no compulsion to set such lofty goals for themselves, as evidenced by disturbing news from Anaheim, California that imbecilic viral sensation Rebecca Black has received two death threats.  An unnamed source with the Anaheim PD confirmed the report, saying: “It’s baffling that someone should be upset over this song.”  While admitting it was insipid, aural crack, he added, “But Rebecca has an IQ of 73–she literally doesn’t know what she’s singing–or Auto-Tuning, rather.”

The offensive video:

There are those who remain unconcerned about this incident, denying any link to a wider social trend, reasoning that, after all, Friday is a pretty shitty song.  But a growing number of cultural watchdogs see this as symptomatic of society’s devolution as a whole.  “A few years ago,” says Dr. Emil Haagerdäddi of the Cambridge Institute for Stalker Studies, “This nut would have been gunning for Bono or Kurt Cobain.  But those pukes in Good Charlotte are too highbrow for today’s headcase.  It’s sad, really.”

A Literary Work No Longer Needs To Have Cultural Resonance To Inspire Pathetically Crazed Fans.

It’s too early to tell if the doomsayers are correct in believing that humanity has fallen to such a level that the effect is evidenced even in society’s outliers.  True or not, it’s best to err on the side of caution, and provide a little extra protection for such pop music footnotes as Susan Boyle and that pouty little gay kid from American Idol.

William Hung: This Talentless Blob Fears For His Life.

OMG! NKOTBSB 4EVR!

14 Thursday Apr 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, Culture, Music, News

≈ 1 Comment

Tags

Backstreet Boys, boy bands, BSB, Donnie Wahlberg, George Bernard Shaw, George Foreman, Johann Sebastian Bach, Muhammad Ali, N'Sync, New Kids Forever! Still Hangin' Tough Baby!, New Kids on the Block, NKOTB, NKOTBSB, proctological health, stupid shit little girls like, William Shakespeare, Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart

By Smaktakula

Before You Criticize, Take A Good Long Look At Your High School Senior Photo.

It’s a team-up for the ages, a meeting swimming in historical portentousness: Ali & Foreman fighting side-by-side, Shakespeare and Shaw joining forces, a collaboration between Mozart and Bach–the two greatest forces in achingly adolescent boy-band pop have come together to rock your world, Girl.

The Backstreet Boys Want To Remind You How Important It Is For Men Over Thirty-Five To Have Yearly Proctological Exams.

So call the babysitter right now–never mind that it’s a school night.  What was only a schoolgirl’s fantasy in the waning days of the 20th Century has become a reality in the second decade of the 21st.  In the most tantalizing of flavor combinations since peanut butter met chocolate, the fresh young fellows of best-selling boy band the Backstreet Boys have teamed up with teenybopper godfathers, the now-ironically named New Kids on the Block, to form NKOTBSB.  This awesomely anachronistic amalgam is greater than the sum of its parts, calculated to set hormones ablaze for the first time in over a decade.

PT EXCLUSIVE! A Sneak Peak At The Official NKOTBSB Tour Shirts!

The series of sexy initials has already released a single highlighting the boys’ persistent fear of the dark, ‘Don’t Turn Out the Lights.’  NKOTBSB doesn’t plan to stop there–a full-length album is forthcoming, followed by a rockin’ summer tour.

Prefers Hasselhoff To NKOTBSB. But What Does He Know? Hes A Deaf, Crazy, Deceased Kraut.

According to fans, the only thing better than NKOTBSB would be N’SYNKOTB, a combination of the New Kids and the remaining members of former boy-band, N’Sync, some of whose members have actually met success story Justin Timberlake.

Expected To Join The NSYNKOTBSB 2022 Tour, Filling In While Donnie Wahlberg Recovers From Gastric Bypass Surgery.

Don’t Turn Out the Lights:

NKOTB + BSB = Approximately 1,600 pounds of pure, unadulterated AWESOME.

Hudgens Sets New Standard In Leaked Nudie Pix

11 Monday Apr 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, Cinema, Culture, News

≈ 17 Comments

Tags

Amber Portwood, bad decisions, closeted entertainers, High School Musical, internet pornography, poor impulse control, stupid shit little girls like, Sucker Punch, tween romance, Vanessa Hudgens, Zac Efron

By Smaktakula

We Only Bring This Up Because There Seems To Be Kind Of A Pattern Going On Here, But You Know They DO Make Cell Phones Without Cameras In Them.

Quickly following the theatrical release of her crossover bid Sucker Punch, racy photos of tween idol Vanessa Hudgens were released on the internet.  This makes an astounding third time the unlucky actress has seen her intimate photos leaked.  In an amazing coincidence, all three leaks have occurred while films featuring Hudgens were playing in theaters.  Despite being the victim, societal double-standards and Hudgens’ own status as a role model, should be enough to bring the blame for this incident squarely on the young starlet’s shoulders.

If You Rent 'High School Musical' Expecting To See Anything Like This, You're Going To Be Disappointed. A Lot.

Although they are few in number, Hudgens has her defenders, who point to her recent breakup with actor Zac Efron.  Supporters contend that the sudden absence from Hudgens’ life of such a juggernaut of testosterone-drenched heterosexual dynamism has affected both her judgement and libido.

Sometimes We Fear Zac Will Never Find The Right Girl.

Of course, the loudest voices will ring with scorn and derision.  Moralists will find much to condemn in these images, as will those who think the human body is a source of shame and sin.  But with the scandalous proliferation of internet nudie pix by such low-rent hags as Amber Portwood, isn’t it a bit of a nice change every now and then to see an attractive person naked?

Look--Your Best Shot Is To Go For 'Pretty On The Inside'--And We Have To Tell You, This Is Not Helping.

NKOTB Not Only Still Alive, But Cruising

13 Monday Sep 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, Music

≈ 4 Comments

Tags

Danny Wood, Donnie Wahlberg, former child stars, Generation MILF, hairless hit factory, Joey McIntyre, Jonathan Knight, Jordan Knight, Justin Bieber, New Kids Forever! Still Hangin' Tough Baby!, New Kids on the Block, NKOTB, nostalgia acts, stars of yesteryear, stupid shit little girls like, Where Are They Now?

By Smaktakula

Two decades ago America’s arenas were jammed with pubescent girls screaming for the manufactured teenybop that only New Kids on the Block could offer.  The screaming has long since died away, and many of those young fans now have children of their own.  And perhaps when her own daughter rhapsodically details the myriad virtues of the hairless hit factory Justin Bieber, now and then one of those former fans will spare a moment to think of those long-ago idols, wondering whatever became of those five boys from Boston.       

NKOTB Has Retooled Its Sound For Generation MILF.

After recasting themselves as NKOTB in 1993, the boys attempted a comeback.  NKOTB’s song Keep on Smilin’ appeared on the soundtrack to the killer whale opus, Free Willy, which the boys hoped would revive their flagging fan base.  Sadly, much like the film’s titular orca, it appeared the New Kids’ career was destined for the business end of a Japanese harpoon, ultimately to be devoured alongside some salaryman’s ramen.*                 

But like the legendary phoenix, which seemingly perished only to rise again from its own ashes, it’s hard to keep a possibly lucrative nostalgia act down  That’s right–please don’t go, girl–because NKOTB is back and better than ever!
  • Joey!
  • Donnie! 
  • The Other Three! 

Hangin' Tough On The High Seas: Not Only Will The Boys From Boston Perform, They'll Also Clean Your Cabin And Press Your Pants.

For those fans seeking the ultimate NKOTB experience, we recommend joining the lads on an intimate four-day Caribbean Cruise.  This opportunity is a godsend for those women on the verge of middle age who always wanted to score with a New Kid, but thought the opportunity forever beyond their reach.  Remember ladies, with their multi-platinum heyday two decades gone, they’re not nearly as picky these days. 

#14? Mr. McIntyre Will See You Now.

 * Since we have no plans to see ever Free Willy or even to read a plot synopsis, we have depicted the film as ending the way we would want it to.

Forgotten Author Renounces Ancient Religion

10 Tuesday Aug 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Christianity, Culture, General Foolishness, Hollywood, Mythology, People, Political Correctness, Religion, Social Networking

≈ 3 Comments

Tags

Anne Rice, Anne Rice will burn in the lake of fire alongside Galileo Galilei and Madonna Ciccone, apostate, bodice-rippers, Catholic Church, Catholic sex abuse scandal, Catholicism, conversion for publicity, crimes against humanity, even werewolves have been ruined, forgotten authors, Hags, heterosexuality, homoeroticism, homoeroticism in vampire literature, Judaism, obscure celebrities, renounces, self-satisfied, stupid shit little girls like, tween romance, Twilight, vampire fiction, vampires

By Smaktakula

Tween Romance author Anne Rice announced recently that she had renounced Catholicism.  This news serves to energize opponents of the Church, as well as to delight the author’s remaining fans, most of whom are all grown up now and just happy to know she’s still alive.               

In the name of Christ, I refuse to be anti-gay. I refuse to be anti-feminist. I refuse to be anti-artificial birth control. I refuse to be anti-Democrat. I refuse to be anti-secular humanism. I refuse to be anti-science. I refuse to be anti-life.               

Rice, whose main contribution to literature has been to purge the vampire genre of its remaining vestiges of heterosexuality, is also said to be privately fuming that her conversion to Catholicism didn’t prove to be the goldmine her agent promised it would.                    

It Would Seem We Have You To Thank For Twilight As Well. Hag.

 

Damn it, Anne–we’ve been through this a million times.  You know I said no such thing–I told you to go with Judaism. 

We Have High Hopes For Justin Bieber

04 Wednesday Aug 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, Culture, Music

≈ 4 Comments

Tags

androgynous kids are creepy, awful musicians, Celebrity Death Watch, hairless hit factory, Justin Bieber, Justin Bieber: First Step 2 Forever: My Story, moppet, pop culture, pop phenom, societal carcinoma, stupid shit little girls like, that's expire not retire, you do know that's two colons right?, you got a real purty mouth

By Smaktakula

Sixteen-year-old pop moppet Justin Bieber has announced the upcoming release of his ridiculously-titled photo memoir, Justin Bieber: First Step 2 Forever: My Story.

Promethean Times joins the rest of the adult world in urgently hoping this news indicates that the adorable societal carcinoma has made plans to expire in the very near future.

This Photo Will Be Perfect For The Inquest.

WORLD OF HELLO KITTY!!! IS SUPER-SMASH PREMIER

01 Thursday Apr 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in General Foolishness, Holiday, Humor

≈ 3 Comments

Tags

Badtz Maru, Chammy Kitty, Chococat, Hello Kitty, Japanese characters, Sanrio, stupid shit little girls like, WORLD OF HELLO KITTY

By Smacky Takura

Our New Theme Is Off The Hook!!!

Welcome to

WORLD OF HELLO KITTY!!!

         

Goodbye, Promethean Times . . .

Say HELLO to WORLD OF HELLO KITTY!!!    

    

We have in future many doubleplusgood fun things which you like!                

         

  Fan Fiction!   

         

Art Contests!

Collectibles! 

WORLD OF HELLO KITTY Is The Shizzle!

Naked Bathtub Touch Time! 

         

Games!

Prizes! 

         

And Fun! Fun! Fun!

         

Hello Kitty's Pet: Not At All Weird For A Cat To OWN Another Cat

Our Racism Is So Casual That We Don't Even Notice Any More (TEE HEE)

                

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