By Smaktakula
The Least Pussy Of A Pussy Breed.
Rodeo Clowns
20 Friday May 2011
Monthly Archives: May 2011
For Some, Work Can Be A Grind
19 Thursday May 2011
Tags
Ana Catarina Silvares Bezerra, anxiety, beaver, Brazil, childish sexual innuendo, clam, flicking the bean, hypersexuality, masturbation, onanism, self-abuse
By Smaktakula
There's No Simple Answer To The Question 'What Time Does Ana Get Off?'
Life is stressful. Work is stressful. For most of us, there’s no escaping it. But those for whom the pressures of everyday life are too much grasp desperately for anything which might bring a modicum of relief. One such person is Brazil’s Ana Catarina Silvares Bezerra, an accountant who takes a hands-on approach to stress relief. Bezerra combats her workday woes by masturbating as much as 47 times a day.
Direct Physical Manipulation Is The Secret.
Unsurprisingly, Bezerra initially encountered some resistance from her employer, who asked that the accountant not flick her bean at work. Bezerra was undeterred, and took her complaint to the Brazilian courts, insisting that she was suffering from severe anxiety and hypersexuality, and that rubbing one out was the only sure means to combat these conditions. The courts agreed, and now Bezerra is free to watch porn on her work computer, all the while vigorously pleasuring herself.
Sometimes Ana Keeps A Snack In The Top Drawer Of Her Desk.
Although the accountant’s co-workers have gradually come to accept her thrice-hourly grind, she met with some resistance at first. Bezerra’s orgiastic gyrations were often misperceived as fits of some kind, and even after the nature of her unique ailment was revealed, her onanistic episodes still caused moments of confusion. Said one coworker, “We couldn’t tell if she was having a stroke or just having a stroke.”
Touch It. Go Ahead. Maybe Rub It A Little.
Stupid Show Now Even More Stupider
18 Wednesday May 2011
Tags
Ashton Kutcher, Charlie Sheen, Charlie Sheen is a drugged-out wifebeater, Demi Moore, geriatric sex, May-December romances, prettyboys, Punk'd, shitty TV shows, stupid people, That 70s Show, TV for idiots, TV makes you stupid, Two and a Half Men, untalented stars, Why am I so stupid?
By Smaktakula
"If'n That Funny-Ass Show Don't Come Back To The Moving-Picture Box, I's Gonna Drink Some Turpentine An' Die. That's What I'm Fixin' To Do."
Across the nation, morons who love bad TV are screeching with joy and hurling their own feces at one another upon the news that Two and a Half Men will be returning to television. Fans of vapid entertainment were disheartened in recent months by reports of the inane series’ demise following the implosion of the show’s star, toothless pharmaceutical experiment Charlie Sheen. However, as they have so many times in the past, the doomsayers prognosticating Two and a Half Men‘s demise have vastly underestimated the American public’s rapacious appetite for all things vulgar and grotesque.
The Many Faces Of The Master Thespian: This One's Called "Gay & Crazy."
Two and a Half Men will continue to dumb up the airwaves for at least another season, thanks to the arrival of minimally-talented prettyboy Ashton Kutcher. Kutcher is best known for his roles in That 70s Show and Punk’d, as well as for banging an old lady.
Despite Her Age, Demi Works Hard To Keep Her Body Lean.
Two and a Half Men‘s producers acknowledge that Kutcher brings neither star power nor charisma to the show, and admit that the replacement actor’s mushy intellect makes the cocaine and whiskey-befuddled Charlie Sheen seem like Alan Greenspan in comparison. They counter, however, that as a living, breathing organism, Kutcher is more than qualified to play the 1.0 men which the script requires.
The Mind-Numbing Complacency Inspired By 'Two And A Half Men' Saves Lives.
Promethean Times Reacts To Schwarzenegger Shocker
18 Wednesday May 2011
Tags
apathy, Arnold Schwarzenegger, California, controversy, famous Austrians, Governor Schwarzenegger, illegitimate, infidelity, love child, Maria Shriver, Mr. Universe, NSFW, sexual misconduct, the Governator
By Smaktakula
"Remember When I Told You I'd Impregnate You Last? I Lied."
Really, we couldn’t care less.
Wanna see what the cleaning lady saw? Click here. Remember, kids–it’s NSFW.
I Like Ike–But Just As Friends
17 Tuesday May 2011
Tags
activists, bad pickup lines, beaver, Chief Executive, Dwight Eisenhower, Helen Keller, I Like Ike, Ike, infidelity, it's good to be the king, President Eisenhower, read my lips, sex, sexual misconduct, skonks, we have no shame whatsoever
By Smaktakula
Perhaps it is the aphrodisiacal rush of power which causes influential men to stray from their spouses, or it may simply be that the oversexed are compelled strive for positions of power. Either way, the truth is the same: Great men chase a lot of tail.
34th US President Dwight D. Eisenhower was no exception. An inveterate skonk, Ike was constantly on the hunt for beaver. Among his many conquests, however, were some shaming defeats. Perhaps the most ignominious of these was his failed seduction of activist Helen Keller.
Ike Thought He'd Get More Traction From The Line, "You Won't Get Pregnant If You Can't See It Coming."
Osama’s Pakistani Whack Shack
16 Monday May 2011
Tags
'self-abuse' isn't the same thing as 'cutting', 9/11, al Qaeda, Ann Coulter, beating off, choking the chicken, flogging the dolphin, goat-fuckers, internet pornography, Islam, jerking off, masturbation, Navy SEALs, onanism, Osama bin Laden, Pakistan, porn, pornography, pr0n, Ron Jeremy, self-abuse, spankin' it, spanking the monkey, sticky fingers, Terrorism, whack shack
By Smaktakula
Bin Laden Debunks The Myth About Hairy Palms.
The Navy SEALs tasked with eliminating resilient Saudi boogeyman Osama bin Laden were trained to expect just about anything. They knew, for example, that they would encounter fierce resistance from bin Laden and his lieutenants, and that the terror mastermind would not hesitate to toss away one of his countless wives like spent Kleenex if it meant adding a few more malice-drenched moments to his own tumultuous time on earth. But what the SEAL team found was something America’s intelligence industry failed to anticipate, and which took the SEALs completely by surprise: bin Laden’s impressive and more-than-slightly-used pornography collection.
Osama Repeatedly Claimed It Was For His Dry Skin.
This information gap does US intelligence no credit, particularly since for the better part of a year, several publications–most notably Promethean Times–have been warning of the pervasive Pakistani predilection for particularly prurient and perverse porn. As is now becoming more widely known, Pakistanis lead the rest of the world in filthy internet searches, and are rapidly gaining a reputation for harboring not only terrorists among their population, but goat-fuckers as well.
Osama's Fingerprints Were All Over This. Literally.
Is it any wonder then, that bin Laden–a guest in that great nation–would seek onanistic relief in such delightful naughtiness as Salaam Salami!, You Mecca Me Horny II and Riders of the Three-Humped Camel? The picture becomes clearer when one considers bin Laden’s legendary sex drive, the horny hatemonger having more wives than the desert has sand.
A Copy Of This Book Was Found Under Osama's Mattress. It Was Identified Only After Investigators Were Able To Separate The Pages With A Razor Blade.
Because of the high security and the presence of so many people in the compound, privacy was at a minimum and as such, valued as a premium. Even placing extra locks on the doors didn’t stop careless security personnel or nosy wives from barging in on bin Laden just as he was in the process of ‘blowing the first tower.’ Ironically, in the days before he was executed by US Forces, bin Laden devised a system whereby he would leave his turban hanging over the doorknob to let people know he was ‘taking the Haj.’
Fortunately, Osama Died Without Ever Knowing That His Favorite Footlong Was 100% Kosher.
Sensitivity Levels Slowly Returning To Normal After Japanese Nuclear Disaster
13 Friday May 2011
Tags
atomic bomb, be sensitive or else, cosplay, earthquake, Enola Gay, fallout, Fukushima Nuclear Power Plant, Gilbert Gottfried, Godzilla, hypersensitivity, Japan, Japanese Nuclear Crisis, Land of the Rising Sun, nuclear disaster, safe to joke about, tsunami
By Smaktakula
The Biggest Danger Of Joking About A Nuclear Disaster Is The Potential Fallout.
At long last a damaged world is beginning to heal and learn to laugh again. On March 11, a massive earthquake off Japan’s west coast set in motion a calamitous chain of events which would prove among the worst disasters (natural or otherwise) to befall humanity in its long and inglorious history. The devastation caused by the quake was horrific enough, but the resultant tsunami added to the death toll and caused a critical equipment failure and subsequent release of radioactive material at the Fukushima Nuclear Power Plant. Thousands of people died in the tragedy, and many more remain missing. More still face unknown peril from the radiation leak. For the Japanese, and for anyone who has been affected by this epic tragedy, the pain continues.
In The Last Century, The Japanese Have Weathered innumerable Natural Disasters, Two Nukes And Dozens Of Giant Irradiated Monsters--They Can Take A Joke.
But for the rest of the world, it’s getting better. As radiation levels around the stricken nuclear power plant begin to drop, so too does the level of sensitivity with which observers must approach this disaster. In certain regions, the Japanese disaster is becoming safe for jokes.
Life In Japan Is Slowly Returning To Normal. However, Invariably, Mutations Will Occur.
Potential jokers are cautioned that jokes about this recent tragedy will remain in poor taste for some time, and as such may receive a bad reaction even in so-called ‘safe’ regions. However, unless you’re working for Nintendo, Sony or another Japanese outfit, you’re no longer likely to be fired for telling one.
Timing Is Everyth--"AFLAC!"
The Japanese people, unable to list ‘well-developed sense of humor’ among their many national accomplishments, will most likely never see anything remotely funny about this catastrophe. Still, if any people have proven their resilience in surviving not one, but two previous nuclear disasters, it’s those hardy folk in the Land of the Rising Sun.
Today's Horoscope: A Little Boy Will Bring A Big Surprise.
Not Just Evil–Stupid, Too!
12 Thursday May 2011
Tags
Barbara Lee, deaf people, evil, Florida, gang signs, hearing-impaired, Helen Keller, Marco Ibanez, sign language, skanks, stabbing, stupid people, Why am I so stupid?
By Smaktakula
Ibanez Turned A Deaf Ear To Common Sense When He Listened To A Woman With The MethFace.
Bottom-feeding lowlifes Barbara Lee and Marco Ibanez have been arrested after assaulting two men in a Florida nightclub. Along with a third individual who is a minor and has not been named, the pair proved not only their place among the basest forms of life on the planet, but also that they’re incredibly stupid.
O Is For "Oh My God, I Can't Believe What A Fucking Moron You Are."
The trouble started when Lee spotted two men whom she thought were throwing gang signs at her. Lee, who is apparently a wannabe gang floozy in addition to being a veteran barskank, flashed her own set’s signs back at the men. Undaunted, the two men continued with their provocative behavior, seemingly oblivious to Lee’s very overt message.
These Young Men Are Part Of The Community Welcome Association.
Rebuffed by the men in a direct encounter, Lee left the bar, only to return sometime later with Ibanez. The pair, along with their juvenile accomplice, set upon the victims. In the ensuing melee, the victims were stabbed several times, and Lee managed to injure a security guard with a broken champagne bottle. At the very least, however, Lee and Ibanez proved their pride in standing up for their set against provocations by other gang members.
On The Need To Treat The Handicapped With Dignity, Helen Keller Once Said, "Umma Gaaah Urrrrrr Oooooooh Hunna Yaa!"
However, the situation appeared quite differently when it was revealed that the two victims were deaf, and what Lee had interpreted as gang signs was actually just a sign-language conversation between the two men. In light of these details, Lee and Ibanez were shown to be nothing more than sub-moronic assweasels.
A Little Bit Of Sign Language We All Can Appreciate.
Headlines 05.11.11
11 Wednesday May 2011
Tags
American Indians, Baseball, bingo, blackjack, cockfighting, Dodger Stadium, dodo, drugs, Geronimo, hackers, Harry Reid, headlines, Iran, Jim Carrey, Los Angeles Dodgers, Native Americans, Navy SEALs, nudists, nutmeg, Osama bin Laden, passenger pigeon, pervertry, Robitussin DM, Shania Twain, Texas, untalented stars, whippets, whiskey
By Smaktakula
In which we opine on various news headlines without reading the articles.
***
The Costars: Jim Carrey paired with penguins ~ With each film Carrey reaches further down the evolutionary ladder in his thus-far-futile search for a less-talented co-star.
Hackers group says it will attack Iran Sunday ~ The best attacks are unannounced.
Armless Dude Throws Out Ceremonial First Pitch At Dodger Stadium ~ Figuratively, one assumes.
He May Look Dangerous, But Actually He’s Quite Armless.*
Police Bust Cockfighting Ring at Texas Children’s Party ~ We hope they’re talking about chickens.
Were Navy SEALs justified in shooting an unarmed Osama bin Laden? ~ Funny–the dodo and the passenger pigeon were just debating that very thing!
American Indians object to ‘Geronimo’ as code for bin Laden raid ~ Geronimo is a hero to Native Americans and an inherent part of their culture. The tribes also objected to the code names ‘Bingo,’ ‘Blackjack’ and ‘Whiskey.’
Come On Now–Jack Daniels Does.
South Korean man found crucified in abandoned stone quarry; police investigating ~ Hopefully the authorities kept an eye on him for a few days–a couple millennia ago, one of these things got a little out of hand.
The University Has No Clothes ~ Sounds like the college we remember.
Harry Reid Injured by Parked Car ~ He has great health care, so why not?
Fake Bin Laden Photos Fool Some Lawmakers ~ America’s legislators, like her public, are remarkably easy to fool.
Turns Out This Is A Fake.
Wearing Only a Smile, Nudists Seek Out the Young and the Naked ~ And how is that different from what sexual predators do?
Man killed in tractor collision has been identified ~ To get yourself killed in a collision involving vehicles which travel slowly in straight lines and rarely meet, you’ve really got to be trying.
“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!”
SHANIA TWAIN NEARLY LOST VOICE OVER DIVORCE ~ Currently she and her ex share joint custody.
Teen high on bath salts allegedly kills neighbor’s goat ~ Bath salts? Who gets high from bath salts? Get yourself some nutmeg or Robitussin-DM at your local Albertsons. While you’re there, grab a couple whippets.
“I Can Hear My Hair Growing! Can You Hear It? It Goes ‘Skriiiiitch! Skriiiiiiitch! Skriiiiiitch!’ Oh God, I Am So Fucking High Right Now.”
For more fun with Headlines, you’ll want to check out:
*Apologies. ∞T.
Putting The Italian Army To Good Use
10 Tuesday May 2011
Posted in Culture
Tags
bad jokes, Ethiopia, fun with stereotypes, Italian Army, Italian Stereotypes, Italy, Naples, orgies, places that suck, prostitution, Rome, Salvation Army, Silvio Berlusconi, treachery
By Smaktakula
In Every Possible Sense, These Days Are Long Gone.
Have you heard about the new Italian rifle?
It’s never been fired and only dropped once.
Jokes like this hoary old chestnut have lately fallen out of favor because they tend to perpetuate harmful stereotypes. However, some stereotypes exist for a reason, and although generalizations by nature, are often based on solid experience.
So it is with the Italian Army, whose military prowess is mocked worldwide as less intimidating even than the French, Canadian or Kuwaiti Armies. The memory of Rome’s mastery of Western Europe, cemented by scarlet swathes of powerful and highly-disciplined legionnaires , is confined to the dim recesses of history. The Italians’ only significant victory in modern times was in 1936 over Ethiopia, and only after suffering a defeat to the African nation in 1896. Moreover, Italy shares the singular distinction of switching to the winning side in not one, but two World Wars.
Italian Soldiers React To The News Of A Possible Deployment Against The Girl Scouts.
But much-maligned Italian Prime Minister and orgy enthusiast Silvio Berlusconi believes he has at last found a way for the Italian Army to at least partially redeem its sullied reputation. For the second time in recent years, Berlusconi is sending troops to Naples to tackle a recurrent problem: garbage. 170 troops and 73 vehicles are being deployed to clean up the plethora of filth in the festering Italian city.
Critics charge that the PM is cynically shoring up votes ahead of the upcoming elections, as well as deflecting from allegations that he habitually retained the services of a seventeen-year-old Moroccan prostitute. However, vocal members of Berlusconi’s party disagree, denying that the troop deployment was in any way politically motivated. Said one, “Naples is a shithole, and the army needs something to do.”
Promethean Times agrees. Let the rest of the world’s armies fight the rest of the world’s wars; the Italian Army is needed at home. Plus, there’s the sad but undeniable fact that Italian forces couldn’t even take the Salvation Army, let alone a real one.
Cody Managed To Take Out Five Italian Soldiers Before His Parents Were Called To Take Him Home.
Promethean Times 