Category Archives: Promethean Times

Getting To Second Base With The World’s Most Iconic Suicide

11 Monday Jul 2011

Posted by in Celebrity, Culture, History, Science

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By Smaktakula

She's Okay, We Guess. Still, We Wouldn't Build An Entire Industry Around Her.

Today, the story of L’Inconnue de la Seine, or ‘the unknown woman of the Seine,’ is virtually lost to the public at large.  Even those encyclopedic human housemice familiar with the obscure tale of the lovely, long-ago suicide know little more about the mysterious young woman than do those legions of people who make better use of their free time.  Yet the iconic face of L’Inconnue de la Seine is one of the most recognized visages throughout the world.

When It Was Fished From The Fetid Waters Of The Seine, The Waterlogged Corpse Didn't Smell Any Worse Than A Typical French Girl.

Sometime in the late 19th Century, so the story goes, the lifeless body of a young woman was found drifting in the filthy waters of the River Seine in Paris.  Workers at the morgue thought the waterlogged suicide so lovely that they commissioned the creation of a plaster death mask to capture her remarkable features for eternity.

Annie, Are You Okay? Are You Okay? Are You Okay, Annie?

Not such a dubious choice as it turns out, the anonymous suicide’s image remained popular for many years, often as a delightful household ornament.  But the mysterious deathless girl’s greatest contribution to modern culture is as the face of Rescue Annie, the CPR doll that has provided the first tentative sexual experiences for several generations of adolescent boys.

Meet Annie's Tarty Cousin, 'Release Amelia."

I Swear, Officer–I Thought The Lady Was Already Dead When I Tried To Have Sex With Her

08 Friday Jul 2011

Posted by in Crime, Culture, Culture, News, Stupidity

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By Smaktakula

Seriously, Where Can You Go To Meet Nice Girls Nowadays?

No one will argue that attempting to sexually assault an unconscious woman on a city sidewalk in broad daylight is not only breathtakingly callous, but utterly moronic as well.  Yet apparently, that’s just what one man did.

"Were I To Do It All Again, I Imagine I Would Take Better Care To Ascertain That The Victim Was Truly Dead Before Deciding To Embark Upon A Course Of Molestation."

But what separates 48-year-old ne’er-do-well Melvin L Jackson of Kansas City, Mo, from the rank-and-file masher is the novel excuse he provided to the authorities upon being caught in the act.  The reason for his heinous shenanigans, Jackson assured the police, was because he assumed the helpless woman was dead, adding that sexually assaulting an unconscious woman was “simply disgusting.”

"Hey Girl--You're Kinda Quiet. That's Okay, I Don't Like Talking All That Much."

TSA Employees Now More Hated Than Child Molesters

08 Friday Jul 2011

Posted by in Culture, News

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By Smaktakula

Ridiculously Low Pay And The Opportunity To Surreptitiously Grope Strangers Is A Surefire Way To Attract The Best And Brightest.

Given the several recent high-profile blunders by employees of the Transportation Security Administration, their already low standing in the community has plummeted even further, dropping their societal acceptance ratings below even sweaty, giggling child molesters, long regarded as society’s bottom-feeders.  TSA employees can take a dubious comfort in knowing that although they are the most reviled and lowest-paid drones in all of the transportation industry, excluding perhaps Bombay rickshaw-wallahs, the TSA is at least as well-regarded as are the screaming jackals of the Westboro Baptist Church.

"I Don't Care Much For The TSA, Myself."

Feel That The Total Lack Of Privacy And Myriad Degradations Of TSA Checkpoints Just Aren't Worth It.

"The TSA's Crude Recklessness Gives Honest Pervertry A Bad Name."

"Hey,--Don't Lump Us In With Those Assholes!"

Frank McCourt: The Omegadouche

07 Thursday Jul 2011

Posted by in Celebrity, News, Sport

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By Smaktakula

110% Evil.

Carpetbagging Bostonian Frank McCourt likes to live large.  Despite his complete lack of merit or any trace of human decency, the most recent owner of the Los Angeles Dodgers has managed to achieve superlativeness in at least one regard: very few individuals in the long and storied history of sporting douchebaggery have managed in such a short time to equal his astounding advancements in the field.

The improvident runt has brought financial ruin upon the Dodgers, universally regarded as the greatest franchise in the history of baseball, and perhaps in all of sport.  Making matters worse, his actions have almost certainly precipitated the team’s takeover by Major League Baseball, casting a century-old Los Angeles tradition* into the same Losers’ Club as the likes of the Montreal Expos.

To Better Understand The Comparison, Imagine That Your Bottled Water Was Secretly Replaced With Berry-Flavored Goat Piss.

Already ignominiously linked to the now-defunct Expos through one of the worst trades in franchise history, which occurred before McCourt’s  arrival on the scene, the Dodgers have now replaced them as the MLB’s poor relation.  For that, among so many heinous crimes, Frank McCourt is truly Lord of the Douches.

Delino DeShields Ended Up Being Pretty Good Too.

* Our readers are no doubt familiar with the revisionist historical claims of the so-called ‘Brooklyn School.’  That these spurious allegations are commonly accepted is bad enough; we will not dignify them further here.  ∞ T.

Charlie Sheen To Get Roasted

06 Wednesday Jul 2011

Posted by in Celebrity, News, Stupidity

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By Smaktakula

It Should Be A Real Treat To Hear Some Jokes At Charlie Sheen's Expense.

No, Roasted.  We thought it said Toasted at first, too.  Degenerate punchline Charlie Sheen has been tapped for an upcoming Comedy Central Celebrity Roast.

Comedy Central’s search for an ‘honoree’ willing to subject him or herself to the always-brutal-but-increasingly-unfunny roasts has apparently become desperate. In selecting the crumbling former entertainer to anchor the two or so hours of televised nastiness, Comedy Central shows that no matter how thoroughly you scrub the toilet, the toughest grime clings tenaciously to the porcelain.

su·per·flu·ous

[soo-pur-floo-uhs] –adjective

1. being more than is sufficient or required; excessive.
2. unnecessary or needless.
3. Obsolete . possessing or spending more than enough or necessary; extravagant.

"I Don't Get It."

Some other big Hollywood stars yet to be given their own roast:

Scheduling Conflict. Starring In Lifetime TV Version Of "Mask: The Rocky Dennis Story."

Still Looking For That Damn Jacket.

"I Told Them I'd Do It For Free, But Nobody's Called Me Yet."

Drive Safely When There’s Coke In The Trunk, Kids

05 Tuesday Jul 2011

Posted by in News, Stupidity

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By Smaktakula

He's Right To Look Dejected: The Man's A Fucking Idiot.

On June 10th, 2011, a perfect storm of stupidity caught luckless moron Shawn Smith in its pitiless grasp. Smith’s troubles began when his car nearly collided with a police car, leading to a traffic stop.  The cataclysmically-retarded Floridian no doubt regrets the erratic driving caused in no small part by his failure to maintain control of his automobile while engaged in a spirited cell phone conversation and enjoying a delicious chicken dinner.  He likely also regrets the pile of cocaine and the multiple handguns which the cop subsequently found in his vehicle.

Cocaine: It Can Make You Do Stupid Shit.

Convincing Black Men To Stop Straightening Their Hair

01 Friday Jul 2011

Posted by in Culture

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By Smaktakula

Seriously--Is There Anyone Who Thinks This Looks Good?

Look, this is America–really, you can wear your hair any way you want.  However, in our ongoing battle against follicular douchebaggery, Promethean Times has previously inveighed against such stylistic travesties as the mullet, the fauxhawk and dreadlocks on blond guys.  Today, we make a special appeal to black guys across the world: Please don’t straighten your hair.

We’re Just Talking About Dudes. Don’t Change A Thing.

In the very early days of the Civil Rights movement, it was briefly fashionable for African-American men to straighten their hair.  However, with the development and solidification of a black racial consciousness, natural hair began to make a comeback, and straight hair began to become a rarity among black men.

A Helpful Abstraction.

However, in 2011 there are still a handful of professions where straightened hair is the norm for African-Americans.  Chief among these are preacher, pimp and some combination of the two.

"I FEEL GOOD!" He Looks Good, Too. When You're A Sex Mo-Sheen, You Can Be The Exception To The Rule.

Some quick DOs & DON’Ts:

DON'T!

DON'T!

DON'T!

You're Fine, Ma'am. Sorry To Have Bothered You.

The Myriad Faces Of Gay

30 Thursday Jun 2011

Posted by in Celebrity, Culture

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By Smaktakula

Like so much of the English language, ‘Gay’ has a variety of connotations.  Here are the three most common definitions, told with pictures rather than words.

1) Oldest Definition.

Generally considered archaic.

Ex: The joys of the Christmas season left everyone feeling quite gay.

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2) Contemporary definition.

Not just happy–Fabulous.

Ex: Evan’s not very good at sports because he’s gay.*

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*

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   3) Pejorative Definition.

Most recent variant, circa 1980s.

Ex: He’s got a tattoo of a Camaro on his back, and it’s super-fucking gay.

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Some rare and wondrous creatures manage to embody all three definitions simultaneously:

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Richard Simmons: 1) Gay, 2) Gay, 3) Really Fucking Gay.

*A note to potentially offended readers: It should be obvious that any implication that gay people make poor athletes is intended for humorous purposes, and does not reflect the actual opinions of Promethean Times.  In fact there have been many outstanding homosexual athletes, including Billie Jean King, Greg Louganis and any male figure skater who ever lived.
We regret any offense we may have caused to gay athletes.  The real reason Evan isn’t any good at sports is because he’s Jewish. ∞T.

What’s In Carol Brady’s Panties?

29 Wednesday Jun 2011

Posted by in Celebrity, History, News, Politics

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By Smaktakula

Funny, All We Taste Is Shellfish.

Septuagenarian actress and former MILF Florence Henderson is back in the news with revelations that might have best been kept to herself.  In her forthcoming memoir, Life is not a Stage, the actress best known for playing ‘Carol Brady’ on The Brady Bunch and as a Wesson spokeswoman revealed that she’d contracted crabs from a 1960’s one-night stand with then-NYC mayor, John Lindsay.

Lindsay Discovers To His Horror That The Little Critters Don't Confine Themselves To The Nether-Regions; They Get In Your Hair, Too.

Henderson waited to tell her story until after both Lindsay and his wife (to whom the politician was married at the time of the affair) were dead.  However, for good or ill, the public perception of Henderson has changed forever  From this point on it will be difficult to look at “America’s TV Mom” in quite the same way.  In fact, it may be impossible to think about her without feeling a disquieting itch just south of your belt buckle.

Here's The Story Of The Crab O'Grady, Who Was Hiding In Some Very Lovely Curls.