31 Friday Aug 2012
Posted in Culture, Entertainment, Stupidity
Tags
bad parents, beauty pageant, growing up too fast, skanklets, toddlers & tiaras, Why am I so stupid?
Hell yes it is.
This Low-Tech Screen Capture From The Execrable Toddlers & Tiaras Comes Pre-Bundled With A Funny Caption.
28 Tuesday Aug 2012
Posted in Science
If This Happens To You, You Probably Deserve It.
Some common misapprehensions about identical twins:
1) In most societies, the belief persists that identical twins are a blessing. In fact, they are evidence of God’s displeasure.
2) There is no “evil twin” per se. However, because identical twins share but one soul between them, they have a higher propensity for wickedness than do “normals.”
3) The pinkie-finger of a twin, ground up and made into a tea, wards off the effects of leprosy.
Which Twin Is The Evil One? We’re Looking At The Ginger.
27 Monday Aug 2012
Tags
Aberdeen, drunken Irishmen, morons, places that suck, South Dakota, Tardsie's True-Ass Tales, Why am I so stupid?
They’re Not Always This Easy To Spot.
AmericInn, Aberdeen, SD. Monday, 03.26.12 11:59 AM CST (Cretin Standard Time)
Tardsie calls the Front Desk.
T: Hi. This is room 204, I’m running about ten minutes late. Do you think I could get a late checkout?
FD: Well…what are we talking about here? Like 12:15?
T: I just need about ten minutes…but yeah, 12:15 would be great.
FD: Because checkout is at noon.
T: Yeah, I know. That’s why I’m calling.
Time Is Relative In The Land That Time Forgot.
A few months ago I applied for a job as a sales-rep/customer liaison with a company with which I had previously had some dealings. It was a part-time thing, working the phones from home. Because of my skill set and my previous dealings with the company, I was pretty sure I’d earn an interview. I liked the company, and was interested in working for them in some capacity, but wasn’t sure if I wanted to sacrifice my evenings.
So when the president of the company called me (it’s a small outfit) for an interview, I didn’t really feel I had anything at stake, and had never been so relaxed in an interview. Although I make it a point in any interview to impress the person to whom I’m speaking (it’s an interview, after all), I try to present a pretty honest–if selective–picture of myself, and never so much as in this interview. I was candid, unguarded and, I thought, fairly plain-spoken.
Toward the end of the interview, the president offered me a rather left-handed compliment. I was initially pleased when he complimented me on my “authoritative voice,” polished manner of speech and extensive vocabulary. But then, as he transitioned to the next point said, “But I guess you can talk normal when you want to.”
I didn’t get the job.
It’s Not An Affectation, Folks–We Just Talk That Way.
A few years ago, I was at Rite Aid picking up a few essentials for a trip. As he rung me up, the clerk asked where I was going.
“Ireland,” I told him.
“That’s cool,” he said, then asked, “So are you gonna fly there or drive?”
Unsure if he was joking, I was too stunned for a moment to answer. When I was finally able to speak, all I could muster were the words “Drive to Ireland?”
“Yeah,” he said sagely, answering his own question, “Ireland is too far to drive.”
If You Think Drunk Drivers Are Dangerous, Just Wait ‘Till You Visit A Land With No Sober Drivers.
24 Friday Aug 2012
Tags
Anaheim Angels, avoiding responsibility, Barack Obama, binge drinking, black people, breast implants, breastuses, celebrity deaths, childish sexual innuendo, comical despots, death penalty, DUI, fun with stereotypes, great white shark, Greece, headlines, Holocaust, Japan, Jean-Claude Van Damme, Joe Biden, Kim Jong-un, Kylie Minogue, legitimate rape, Mary Kay, Mitt Romney, Molly Ringwald, North Korea, peanuts, Phyllis Diller, racism, Rally Monkey, rape, Sikhs, Snoopy, Spongebob Squarepants, Tampa Bay Rays, Taylor Swift, Teletubbies, Ukraine, untalented authors, white people, whitey, your mother must be very proud
Back In Our Bachelor Days, We Read Certain Sections Of The Paper.
Why Romney is so unpopular with black voters ~ Besides running against the black guy you mean?
Dearborn Police, Religious Groups Urge Awareness, Action in Wake of Sikh Temple Shooting ~ We love their new slogan: “Racism Makes Me Sikh!”
Mom Raising Money to See Daughter’s Killer Executed ~ It’s what Joylinda would have wanted her mom to do. Seriously, she was a very vindictive girl.
What Happens When You Get Sick Overseas ~ That depends. If, for example, you get sick someplace like the United Kingdom, you go to a hospital and likely get better. However, if you fall ill in a dusty backwater like Chad, at the very least you’re gonna lose a leg.
Comedian Phyllis Diller dies ‘with a smile’ ~ “Oh my God, that is just so fucking creepy. Did you ask the funeral director if he can do anything about that?”
“The Thing We’ll Always Cherish About Phyllis Is…The–Ah–The Thing We’ll Always Cherish…Look, Can Somebody Pull A Sheet Over That Thing So I Can Get Through This?”
Crocs Co-Founder Blames Taylor Swift at His DUI Arrest ~ No doubt–we’d try to pin the Holocaust on that warbling ear cancer if we thought we could make it stick.
I Was a Mary Kay Sales Girl: How I Barely Broke Even ~ By being a barely competent saleslady.
Police: Mom Left Kids in Crashed Car While She Got Naked, Ate Ice Cream ~ Okay, but before you judge, try to put the episode into context. After going through the trauma of an automobile accident, would it have benefitted those kids one bit to see their bare-assed mama slurping down some cookies & cream? Trust us–she did those kids a favor.
Rays rally from 8 runs down to beat Angels 10-8 ~ We’re pretty sure they’re gonna fire the marketing guy responsible for greenlighting “Let The Fucking Rally Monkey Close Out The Game” Night.
Women’s financial power grows faster than savvy ~ Are you saying that gals have more cash than brains? Oh no you don’t!–don’t go putting words into OUR mouths. We were asking you.
How to Be a Modern-Day Dictator ~ Practice innovative e-despotism by inviting your potential victims to join the Harare Massacre page on Facebook.
Bro–That Shit Was OFF THE HOOK!
Starting a Business With an Eight-Year-Old? This Mom Did ~ Ask her how she did it! On most days you’ll find her at the campground off Highway 41, living in the back of her 1997 Suzuki Swift.
For Palm Springs man, grief and anger over an end-of-life decision ~ Whereas most people find end-of-life decisions to be full of whimsy and wonder.
Score One for the Gun Lobby ~ Which can only mean that someone has died.
The Love Goddess Who Keeps Right on Seducing ~ Is a leathery Scranton bar-hag named Debbie. It’s a long and rather sad story, but she was very beautiful once.
Was Biden’s ‘back in chains’ comment to black voters intentional? ~ People, you should know by now–not a single word coming out of that man’s mouth is intentional.
Ukrainian Group Wants to Ban Spongebob and Teletubbies for Homosexuality and Idiocy, Respectively ~ Which just shows you how backward Ukrainians are. As it happens, Spongebob is entertainment for half-wits and it’s the Teletubbies who are the homos.
Spongebob Squarepants: Completely Gay–Just Not The Homosexual Kind.
Jean-Claude Van Damme Admits To Affair With Kylie Minogue … ~ No, that’s bragging. If we hear the story from a humiliated, chastened Minogue, then it’s an admission.
‘Legitimate rape’ rarely leads to pregnancy, claims US Senate candidate ~ He’s right though. Throughout the whole of recorded history, there has NEVER been an instance of legitimate rape resulting in pregnancy. It turns out there’s not actually such a thing as legitimate rape–it remains fucking heinous in every instance.
Leaning Toward the Light: Molly Ringwald Talks About Her New Novel ~ You remember how the teacher sounded in those old ‘Snoopy’ specials?–WAH wah WAH WAH wah. That’s what we hear right now.
Photo: Did the Little Mermaid get plastic surgery? ~ The ‘Little Mermaid’ of myth & legend, you mean? You’re asking if a fictional character underwent a real-life procedure? No. No, she didn’t. However, Snow White did have that nasty third nipple removed.
Obama campaign’s spending outpaces its fundraising ~ That’s pretty much his economic model.
Binge Drinking College Students Report Being Happier ~ We enjoyed college immensely.
And Happy People Tend To Be Both Responsible And Respectful Of Others.
How Well You Sleep May Hinge on Race ~ ‘Cause whitey better be sleepin’ with one eye open!
Seals blamed for increased shark sightings, great white attack off Cape Cod ~ It’s always somebody or something else, isn’t it? Sharks need to man up a little and take some responsibility for the things they do.
Japan’s Latest Pop-Music Craze? Kids ~ Echoing the longtime sexual craze of Greece.
North Korea: Kim Jong Eun married to Ri Sol Ju ~ Wait? His wife’s name is ‘We Sold You?’ That makes no sense.
Who needs air bags when you have 38KKK breasts? ~ YOU do. A compulsion for self-mutilation is a very serious disorder, but it doesn’t give you the right to completely disregard your own safety.
Your Mom & Dad Must Just Be So Fucking Proud.
Have A Great Weekend, Folks!
22 Wednesday Aug 2012
Tags
Africa, anti-semitism, Apartheid, beekeepers, bigotry, Caliph, comb-overs, diglero, digleroes, Donald Trump, hate crime, haters gonna hate, homophobia, homosexuality, Islam, man we hate digs so much, North Korea, outright lies, South Africa, the Donald
Please. That Is SO 1998.
Humanity is no stranger to hate. Throughout its long and bloody history, Homo sapiens has always managed to find a worthwhile reason not just to oppose another group’s political and social agenda, but to despise and fear the individuals who comprise the group. For every enmity there is an excuse–politics, the Indian-Pakistani conflict over Kashmir; sexual identity, as in various parts of Africa or North Korea where homosexuality is too greatly feared as an abstract concept to even be acknowledged; religion, such as the recent attempts by Islamists to slaughter heretics and infidels worldwide to prepare for the coming of the New Caliphate; and so many, many more.
You Wouldn’t Be The First To Try. However, They’re Surprisingly Resilient.
However, instead of hating gays, black people or what-have-you, what if we came up with an entirely new group of people to fear and mistrust–one previously tolerated by society? The members of the newly-despised group would necessarily have to represent a smallish selection of the overall population–hating on a majority population is ultimately counterproductive (see South Africa, Apartheid and). Ideally, the new group of disadvantaged citizens would be made promptly aware of their denigrated status, so that they could appreciate the inevitable hate-crimes perpetrated against them, and not believe them to be random acts of violence.
No, This Is MY Lawn, And It Isn’t Going To Mow Itself.
We’d like to suggest a few exciting possibilities for the new object of societal derision, each of which should be perfectly suitable. A great place to start is with groups displaying interests or tastes outside the societal norm, like beekeepers, guys with comb-overs or fans of Rascal Flatts. Disparaging any or all of these groups will add more panels to the ever-growing quilt that is contemporary bigotry.
We Understand That Most Of These ‘People’ Are Born With Vestigial Tails.
Even if soon-to-be-vilified group has yet to be determined, Promethean Times has already devised a great new epithet for the eventual choice: Digleroes (singular, Diglero). Try this: Just look at those fucking digleroes. Ever since they moved into the neighborhood, everything stinks like honey.
What A Fucking Diglero.
20 Monday Aug 2012
Tags
AIDS, Amtrak, anal bleach, Andorra, Australians, bad cops, Barack Obama, childish sexual innuendo, dope, Ecuador, foot-licking, George W. Bush, GOP, grass, great white shark, headlines, hemp, hipsters, Julian Assange, Las Vegas, Mexico, nerds, penis snake, Peter Jackson, pot, Pussy Riot, racism, reefer, Republicans, Seattle, Smaktakula's distrust of short people, sweet sweet cheeba, weed, WNBA
Obama’s Regular Polling Of Swing-State Female Voters Indicates Their Growing Excitement About His Stimulus Measure.
In which our interests lie in the headlines, but not the stories themselves.
After 400 Pound Weight Loss, Man Gains the Weight Back ~ But you know what?–He’s a bigger man for it.
Rage Against the Machine Rages Against Paul Ryan ~ Understandable, as taking offense is the band’s Raison d’ être. Raging, man–IT’S JUST WHAT THEY GOTTA DO!!!
Persistence Is Key to Treating Sexual Pain ~ After she’s heard ‘Who’s ready to do the nasty?’ a couple thousand times, she’ll loosen up.
Woman who rescued animals killed by dog ~ Check your local TV listings for the Lifetime Network adaptation of this heartbreaking story, A Dog Called Irony.
Off-Duty Cop Crashes Motorcycle Into Little Girl Then Kills Her Enraged Dad ~ When Officer Onslaught’s actually ON the job, his body count must be through the fucking roof!
“Do You Think They Paint Crosswalks On The Street Just So You Can Cross Wherever You Fucking Feel Like?”
Attacks May Cost Great White Sharks Protected Status ~ If they’re so concerned about that, they might have paused for reflection before gobbling up all those Aussies.
Assange berates United States from Ecuador Embassy balcony ~ Also known as the ‘Pussy Perch.’
Preacher Says He Cures The Sick By Punching And Kicking Them ~ It could work, actually. That’s how Dad finally cured Smaktakula’s bed-wetting.
A Novel Asks Seattle to Laugh at Itself ~ That’s expecting a lot. You’d have better luck trying to convince Las Vegas to show some respect for itself.
Peter Jackson: ‘I’ve Never Actually Read A Comic In My Life’ ~ And lo, a million virginal voices cried out as one.
“From Hell’s Heart, I Stab At Thee!”
When My Crazy Father Actually Lost His Mind ~ That sounds like a tough one to really pin down.
A Guide to Russian Band Pussy Riot’s Oeuvre ~ If you’re unfamiliar with the word ‘oeuvre’, you might be thinking it’s dirty. Sadly, no.
US beats Mexico in Mexico for 1st time ~ It’s not as big a deal as it sounds. There just hasn’t been too much of a need for the US to go to Mexico, what with most of Mexico being here all the time.
An Ex-Wrestling Executive Wins a GOP Primary ~ Yeah, but you know that shit’s all fake, right?
Where Do Sentences Come From? ~ What the hell? Listen, we’re gonna have to insist that you shut that spastic yapper of yours. Yeah, you’re no longer allowed to ask questions.
15 of the Cutest & Shortest Celebrity Men ~ Or 15 celebrity men whose work we no longer take quite as seriously as we once did.
Aside From Portraying Elves At Christmastime, About The Only Use For The Short Is Making Normals Look Really Tall. And Handsome.
The ‘Penis Snake’ Looks Exactly As You’d Think ~ Quite a bit smaller than advertised.
Accused Child Foot Licker Blames President Obama ~ Obama surrogates were quick to counter that Obama had merely inherited the foot-licking situation from President Bush, and furthermore, that ‘foot-licking’ was coded racism.
Pig legs left at proposed mosque; federal probe sought ~ Yeah, somebody’s being a dick, but do we really have to make a federal case out of it? Oh, right–silly fucking us.
Can the WNBA Benefit from Olympic Gold? ~ Hey, anything’s possible, right? First, though–what’s a WNBA?
Quadruple amputee prepares to swim Bering Strait ~ Meanwhile, his family stoically prepares for a burial at sea.
“Dave, It’s RIGHT THERE! Just Grab The Ring, Man! Dave! Dave!…Damn! Can He Not Hear Me Or Something?”
Comeback of photo booths exposes yearning for what’s real ~ Because nothing’s more real than a glossy, full-color facsimile.
A Complete Guide to ‘Hipster Racism’ ~ “Yeah, right now I like to hate on Andorrks. Andorra is a very small principality in Europe. You probably haven’t heard of it.”
Hassles of Air Travel Push Passengers to Amtrak ~ That Amtrak is pot-friendly doesn’t hurt, either.
Female governors and Rice speakers for GOP ~Aaargh! See? It’s THIS kind of thing that gets people so pissed at the Republicans. Honestly, would it kill them to say “Female governors and Chinese-Americans?”
9 New No-Nos for Your Parts Down Below ~ Man…NEW ones? Organized religion, political correctness and the era of AIDS have pretty thoroughly circumscribed our options already.
Actually, This One Probably Should Remain A No-No.
18 Saturday Aug 2012
Tags
censorship, Clay Aiken, despots, douchebaggery, hairless man-boys, jizz-goblin, places that suck, pussy pussy pussy!, Pussy Riot, Russia, shut your mouth!, Vladimir Putin, vulgarity is the secret ingredient
Just As Good Policies Sometimes Have Adverse And Unforeseen Consequences, Autocratic Douchebaggery Can Occasionally Have A Silver Lining.
In attempting to muzzle criticism of his increasingly despotic rule, Russia’s President, with the cheerful assistance of the authoritarian kleptocracy’s kangaroo courts, has perversely managed to shatter a long-standing barrier to free speech. By jailing for two years a punk band for the crime of hooliganism, the humorless tyrant has thrust the words P***y Riot¹ into polite discussion.
To Be Fair, This Is What Passes For Polite Discussion Nowadays.
True to our innovative and inclusive nature, the United States has for many years been home to a number of vaginally-themed musical acts:
***
P***y Riot: It Doesn’t Have To Be Vulgar.
16 Thursday Aug 2012
Posted in Culture, Entertainment, History, News, Politics
Tags
Amelia Earhart, Atlanta Braves, Aurora Massacre, Big Pharma, Camaroon, China, cocaine, dope, drunken Irishmen, Facebook, free speech, gay people, Germany, grass, Handi Wipes, headlines, hemp, hippies, hookers, marijuana, places that suck, pot, reefer, Sikh Massacre, slavery, Smaktakula's decades-old vendetta against the French, Son of Sam, stoners, sweet sweet cheeba, weed, Why am I so fat?
If We Can No Longer Trust The Krauts To Be Racially Sensitive, What Hope Is Left?
Amelia Earhart: Better feminist than pilot? ~ Let’s fucking hope so!
Study: Rich, poor Americans increasingly likely to live in separate neighborhoods ~ Because in times of old, the industrialist robber barons preferred to slum it among the great unwashed.
A Facebook ‘Like’ Is Free Speech ~ At its most cowardly and least significant.
Olympic female badminton players face charges ~ You just don’t see this kind of thing happening with the goodminton players.
‘Son of Sam’ Killer: Aurora, Sikh Massacres ‘Senseless’ ~ But if, for example, a dude killed couples who were making out in cars ’cause a talking dog told him to do it, that would make a lot more sense.
“The French Embassy, Benny. Tomorrow, Noon. No Survivors.”
Alzheimer’s drug research halted ~ “To be fair, we didn’t halt it precisely, but rather we…ah…we…Are you my grandson?”
‘I don’t want my friends to die on my birthday’ ~ Same here. We’re holding out for Christmas.
Think You’re Gay? It Shows in Your Eyes ~ Ha!–You’ve got the Queer Eye.
7 Cameroon athletes missing from Olympic village ~ “Hey! The flight back to our jerkwater African Republic leaves in an hour! You guys will be so pissed if you miss it!”
Researchers doubt positive aspects of medical marijuana ~ And by ‘researchers’, we mean Justice Department fart-catchers and their Big Pharma masters.
Dude, If You REALLY Want To Help The Cause, Maybe Grab A Shower And Cut That Rat’s Nest Off Your Head.
US Presidential Election Takes Negative Turn ~ Verily. It is our most fervent hope that the scurrilous example set by both the Adams and Jefferson campaigns shall not be repeated in 1800’s presidential contest.
Are Team USA’s $500 Leotards Worth It? ~ Well now, that depends–have you guys already laundered them or are they still stinky? And do you accept PayPal?
Autopsy inconclusive for Obama staffer remembered as dedicated to campaign ~ He found out too late that the Kool-Aid comes at a pretty high price.
His other car is on Mars ~ Oh, he’s lying to you, honey. He ain’t got no other car.
Octopus hitches ride on dolphin’s genitals ~ Hey, we’ve got an idea: who wants to go fishing?
He’s Wearing One Right Now!
What it feels like to be attacked by a great white shark ~ Obviously, each experience is unique and subject to myriad factors which can influence the outcome. However, agony and intense terror usually figure in there somewhere.
Irishman gives expert Olympic sailing commentary ~ “Ah fookin’ telt ye ah know fook all abaht boots, but ye can’t fookin’ oonerstan me, can ye, ye wee daft fookers?”
Exercise termed ‘Wonder Drug’ ~ Trickery is the only way to get fatties to try it.
21 Burned in Walk Over Hot Coals at Robbins Event ~ We have a modicum of sympathy for the first couple fire-walkers, but if you’re idiot #21, who’s just been asked to please step aside so the paramedics can get through, why not “go big” and just walk across the coals on your face?
Braves give Smoltz team’s highest honor ~ The Tomahawk Chop!
Often Native Americans Would Perform This Ceremony While Loitering Outside Stadiums On Game Day, Selling Loose Tickets. The Name Just Stuck.
Tavis Smiley: Poverty is the new slavery ~ So, did they not have poverty back in olden times? Otherwise, poverty is still poverty, and you’ll have to look a little harder to find the new slavery.
Why Certain Countries Dominate the Games ~ Because certain countries are naturally more awesome than others. That, and China cheats.
‘Mentally disabled’ man executed in Texas ~ Beginning writers often muddy their prose with extraneous words. Incisive, elegant writing means eschewing redundancies. This sentence should read “Texan executed.”
Live Alone? You’re Not Alone ~ But really you are. Very much alone.
Picking up more than a hooker ~ Well, sure–you can’t forget cocaine & Handi Wipes.
‘Cause It’s For Sure Gonna Get Messy.
15 Wednesday Aug 2012
Posted in Culture, Entertainment, News
Tags
Brooklyn, celebrity deaths, closeted celebrities, come out John!, death by heart attack, John Travolta, Lawrence Hilton-Jacobs, Robert Hegyes, Ron Palillo, sweathogs, the black guy did it, untalented stars, Welcome Back Kotter
The Guy Who Played Horshak: Sometime-2012— He Had So Much More To Offer.
Ron Palillo, the sometime actor best known for playing the cretinous Arnold Horshak on the 1970s TV series Welcome Back Kotter has died of an apparent heart attack. Palillo and his co-stars Robert Hegyes, Lawrence Hilton-Jacobs and breakout star John Travolta portrayed the “Sweathogs,” four ethnically diverse, wise-cracking but sweet-hearted hoodlums from the mean streets of Brooklyn.
One Of These Actors Would Later Go On To Stardom. (It’s The Dude On The Right With The Jew-Fro)
The passing of this pop-culture nonentity might have escaped notice had it not been yet another incident in a string of tragic Sweathog-related events. 2012 has been a particularly bad year for three former Sweathogs. Hegyes, who played Juan Epstein, also died of an apparent “heart attack” in January. Travolta has been recently suffered a string of calamities, including the death of his son Jett, and his recent outing as a gay man accompanied by accusations of lewd conduct.
It’s Cool, Bro…We Kinda Figured.
Ask yourself–just who benefits from the death and ruination of these three men? The answer, though painful, is obvious.
“How Do You Like That? Every Time Somebody Dies, Motherfucker Starts Lookin’ At Me. That Ain’t Right.”
Witness The Fight You’ll Wish Both Men Could Lose: Screech vs. Horshak
14 Tuesday Aug 2012
Posted in Entertainment
Tags
Ask Tardsie, boobs, breastuses, dentists, DMV, dope, gay men, grass, hairless man-boys, hemp, pot, reefer, rocket ships, sadism, sweet sweet cheeba, weed
So Now We’re Two Miles High.
We are delighted to present a second installment of Ask Tardsie, where we answer your questions–no matter how bizarre or uninformed–as honestly as we feel like.
Jennifer Worrell is eager to learn how “quaint” made the jump from naughty to nice.
Tom Simard asks why his dentist insists on humming while he works.
What Malignancy Makes A Man Not Only Enjoy Causing Pain, But Also Go To School For Seven Years To Perfect It?
Carrie Rubin wonders why television frequently depicts the women of law enforcement in tight, revealing clothing.
The Theory Is That Dudes Would Rather Look At Them Than Commit Crimes.
Ren Kyoko wants to know why she’s having trouble finding a boyfriend (she’s cute & doesn’t have bad breath).
White Lady in the Hood asks how she can make her next DMV visit more pleasurable.
But Just At The DMV.
A Bonus Blooper!
Tardsie Is Painfully Aware Of How His Laugh Sounds.
We require more questions to feed the beast! Write your inquiries in the space for comments below, or email them to Tardsie@gmail.com. No question is too moronic!
Promethean Times 