10 Thursday Nov 2011
Tags
back boobs, hos, hussies, Isn't anybody going to say something?, muffin top, Reese's, skanks, tramp stamps, tramps, waddling grotesquery, Why am I so fat?
The tramp stamp and the muffin top–two less-than-fresh tastes that most certainly do NOT go great together.
On The Plus Side, It Does Distract From Those Hideous Back-Boobs.
09 Wednesday Nov 2011
Tags
1%, 99%, AIDS, Allah, Ashton Kutcher, boobs, breasts, death by falling, Demi Moore, Erasure, fecal transplant, gay people, geeks, George Lucas, gonorrhea, headlines, homosexuals, Indiana Jones, Iran, Iranian Hostage Crisis, Madonna, Michael Moore, Mississippi, NBA, perverted science, Steven Spielberg, Tennessee, Uganda, Why am I so fat?
The Devil You Say!
Grandmother Gives Worst ‘Reason’ for Tossing 2-Year-Old Over Mall Balcony ~ Because there are so many good reasons for hurling your grandson to his death.
Ashton Kutcher Cheated on Demi Moore With 2 Girls in Hot Tub on Anniversary ~ Have a little sympathy. It’s like the prettiest girl in class just woke up from a nightmare to discover she’s married to her mom.
Mississippi man leads anti-illegal-immigrant movement ~ This will undoubtedly harm Mississippi’s reputation as a progressive bastion.
The Many Splendors of Boobs ~ We’re with you on this one.
What’s Not To Like?
Gonorrhea is becoming ‘Incurable’ ~ AIDS, an increasing awareness of sexual harassment and now this. It sucks to be a college student in 2011.
At 22, Tennessee woman is mom to 13 Ugandan children ~ Tramp.
German officials admit using spyware on citizens ~ A German official said, “Yeah, it’s bad to trample the civil rights of your own people like that. But hey–we’ve done worse, right?”
Autopsy of 11-Year-Old Celina Cass Has Sad Results ~ We challenge you to find a child’s autopsy with happy results.
Iran plot may signal ominous turn by regime ~Because heretofore those hostage-taking, Holocaust-denying lunatics have been pretty good neighbors.
They’ve Been Known To Let American Guests Stay For Up To 444 Days.
Would NBA players start their own league? ~ No doubt those financial maestros will turn the new enterprise into a gold mine.
Violinists play über-sized fiddle ~ Can you just say ‘large?’
Man Beats His Wife to Death for Understandable Reason ~ You’re going to have to narrow it down a bit.
Don’t Burn Your Baby in the Oven ~ Make sure you set the timer for no more than 15-25 minutes so that it stays pink inside.
How To Tell If Your Son Is Gay ~ Erasure albums. Even one means the kid’s a homo.
Michael Moore confesses: I am the 1 percent ~ He ate the other 99%.
Still Fat.
Madonna’s brother is homeless ~ Newsflash: Madonna’s a shitty sister.
DOCTORS NOTE SUCCESS WITH ‘FECAL‘ TRANSPLANTS ~ Sometimes the key to saving your life is taking somebody else’s shit.
Spielberg tells Indiana Jones fans: ‘Crystal Skull’ was George’s idea ~ Throwing Lucas under the bus was Steve’s idea.
Geek image deters girls from cybersecurity careers ~ Mommy & Housewife don’t carry that geek image.
Gay rights fight, in Allah’s name ~ You know, just printing the words “Gay” and “Allah” in the same sentence can get you killed.
Despite Islam’s Proscription Against Pork, Some Dudes Have A Hard Time Staying Away From The Sausage.
MORE HEADLINES:
08 Tuesday Nov 2011
Posted in Celebrity, Culture, Entertainment, News
Tags
Benny Hill, boobs, breasts, breastuses, Fall of Troy, FCC, honkers, knockers, Nancy Grace, nipple slip, overreaction, psychic trauma, sweater bunnies, sweater kittens, tits, Troy, you'd hit it if you were drunk enough
Would You Have Dreamed That A Squirrely Casaba Could Cause So Much Heartbreak?
The psychic trauma resulting from Nancy Grace’s Dancing With The Stars nipple-slip continues to reverberate across the globe. Grace’s errant ‘Horreola’ has instigated even more collateral damage than previously believed.
As evidence, we point to the dozen or so viewers who have recently written to the FCC complaining about Grace’s slightly exposed knocker. Among the audience’s grievances were an anger that the dimwitted news personality “displayed her pornographic breast and nipple on national television,” and that the gruesome display “scared my children.”
The Boob Won't Put Your Eye Out. You'll Do That Yourself.
Promethean Times holds the female breast in the highest regard. Breasts feed our children, fill out sweaters and parade with surprising frequency through the sweaty imaginations of men, giving America’s male portion of the workforce a regular distraction from the soul-crushing drudgery of work. Breasts have brought about the Fall of Troy, maintained the popularity of the guitar and made Benny Hill watchable. They are a force of nearly mystic import, with powers both beneficent and malign. Nancy Grace appears to have used her breasticular powers for evil, and a scarred public is still paying the price.
Too Little, Too Late.
07 Monday Nov 2011
Posted in Celebrity, Crime, Culture, Entertainment, News
Tags
cheaters, cheating, Chris Hansen, death by Mrs. Hansen, douchebaggery, entrapment, humiliation on national TV, hypocrisy, infidelity, pederasts, perverts, philanderers, smug pricks, To Catch A Predator
"Fellas, Make Sure There's Some Grass On The Field Before You Play Ball."
Smarmy pretend-cop Chris Hansen has been caught cheating on his wife for a second time. Although we don’t have anything particularly trenchant or witty to say about this, we feel that if you’re gonna pass yourself off as a sanctimonious do-gooder who entraps and then humiliates on national television the guy next door for crimes he has yet to commit, it’s probably best that yours is a life above reproach.
04 Friday Nov 2011
Posted in Celebrity, Crime, Entertainment, News
Tags
Beliebers, Elmer Fudd, Elmer was asking for it, George Carlin, gold digger, hairless hit factory, hussies, Justin Bieber, Mariah Yeater, Michael Jackson, outright lies, paternity tests, Porky Pig, rape, San Diego, skanks
We're Not Saying He Was Asking For It, But Did Justin Really Have To Dress Like That?
I can prove to you that rape is funny. Picture Porky Pig raping Elmer Fudd.
George Carlin
By her own admission, Mariah Yeater is a predator. She has repeatedly boasted to anyone who will listen about the events of October 25, 2010, when Yeater says she snatched away a young boy’s innocence, trampling it beneath her Crocs. Just another San Diego statistic.
Okay, Maybe After A Couple Drinks. We're Not Too Proud To Admit It.
But what happens when the rape victim is hairless hit factory Justin Bieber? According to Yeater, who was nineteen at the time, she had her way with the underage popstar on “some sort of shelf” backstage, engaging in unprotected sex. Although the attack lasted only thirty seconds, the damage left in its wake will not be quick in disappearing. Adding a further layer of pathos to this tragedy, the rapist boasts that prior to the assault, Bieber had been a virgin.
Mariah Yeater: Apparently Justin Bieber Thinks He Can Do Better.
However, more egregious than Yeater’s crime itself is the way the unrepentant skank has behaved in the months following the attack. By asserting that Bieber’s handlers chose her, plucking Yeater from the crowd and ushering her backstage, the callow hussy is essentially blaming the victim for her crime–the old ‘he was asking for it’ canard. Moreover, Yeater has apparently produced an offspring, claiming improbably that Bieber’s body is somehow able to produce seminal fluid, and that some portion of that fluid was exchanged to produce the aforementioned child. Bieber, for whom puberty is still a handful of years away, denies the charges.
Like Bieber, This Ancient Egyptian Mummy Knows The Pain Of False Paternity Accusations. Billie Jean Was Not His Lover, But Rather Just A Girl Who Claimed He Was The One. To His Grave He Steadfastly Maintained That The Kid Was Not His Son. SHAMON!
What will happen next is anyone’s guess. Perhaps Yeater’s claims will be proven correct, and it will be revealed that by some unfathomable combination of perverted science and unholy witchcraft Bieber was able to produce a child through sexual intercourse with a human female, and if so, we pray that Yeater will be charged as a rapist. Or, as is a lot more likely, Yeater’s justice will come not from the courts, but rather at the end of a rope, a warning to other floozies not to mess with the Beliebers’ beloved.
"Bitch, You Are So Fucking Dead!"
03 Thursday Nov 2011
Tags
bad jokes, humor, jokes, Jonestown, MOOOO!, Smaktakula's decades-old vendetta against the French, Smurf cum, the Alamo
Once You've Seen This Punch Line, Ours Don't Look So Bad.
He'll Do Right By Muffy. It's Not Like A Frenchman To Renege On An Obligation.
Actually, There Are Two Great Jokes With "MOOOO!" As Their Punchline, And One Of Them Is Clean.
Attempts To Sneak Money-Shot Smurf Past The FCC Censors Proved Unsuccessful, Ending In A Sticky, Embarrassing Mess.
02 Wednesday Nov 2011
These modern-day flat-earthers would probably be taken more seriously if their business outfit was something other than a baseball cap and a leather flight jacket.
Look, It's Human Nature To Want To Get Laid. But You're Doing It Wrong.
01 Tuesday Nov 2011
Tags
Adolf Hitler, black people, G. K. Butterfield, G. K. Butterfield is actually black!, hypocrisy, it's the mustache, North Carolina, racial identification, racism, tiresome Hitler comparisons
Would you be racist if you were to say this dude looks kinda looks like an older, fatter Hitler?
Racist? The Hitler Thing Is Tiresome, But It's Hardly Racist.
But wait just a moment! This gentleman is Rep. G. K. Butterfield of North Carolina, a member of the Congressional Black Caucus–he’s African-American. That’s right–you just compared a black guy to Adolf Hitler, you filthy racist.
"Hey Bud, You Wanna Hang Out Sometime?"
31 Monday Oct 2011
Tags
anachronisms, Brody Hall, Corry, dingus, exhibitionism, flashers, full Monty, genitals, intoxication, junk, man-meat, Pennsylvania, pervertry, perverts, public nudity, your mother must be very proud
Exposing Your Junk To Perfect Strangers Is A Time-Honored American Tradition.
The modern world changes with such baffling rapidity that innovations in technology, fashion and language are transforming yesterday into an unrecognizable anachronism. The information age has rendered obsolete the newspaper, the personal letter and the DMV. Thanks to the plethora of pornography available at a keystroke, even the naked human body has become a curious relic of a bygone age. Pennsylvania pervert Brody Hall made a game effort to turn back the clock on our cynical era by returning some of nudity’s whimsicality and sense of fun. But like so many other gentle dreamers, Hall found himself crushed beneath the weight of an impersonal, uncaring societal juggernaut.
A devotee of the lost art of flashing, Hall treated his hometown of Corry, Pennsylvania with an up-close-and-personal view of the young man’s dingus. After ensuring that he was sufficiently liquored up, Hall knocked on random doors throughout the forgotten backwater, rewarding those who answered with a full Monty. Hall later explained that his intentions were to “scare the children.”
Your Mother Must Be Very Proud.
But as with so many lofty goals, Hall’s plans met with an insurmountable obstacle: an uncaring, anesthetized society with no time for such old-timey foolishness. So it was that Hall’s luck ran out when he unknowingly displayed his genitals to Corry’s chief of police, who wasted no time in bringing an end to the exploits of the dangling do-gooder.
The local authorities contend that society is safer without being forced to regard Hall’s waggling man-meat, and perhaps they’re correct. Maybe there’s no longer any room in this age of instant gratification for a charming relic of yesteryear like the flasher. Still, society owes a debt to men like Brody Hall. Thanks to small core of dedicated craftsmen who continue to practice exhibitionism, a charmingly anachronistic piece of our heritage is being preserved for posterity.
Horatio Coxswain, The Legendary 'Marysville Masher,' Was Famous For Exposing Himself While Riding A Bicycle.
28 Friday Oct 2011
Tags
1886, death by Germany, France, Gauloises, Germany, historical beatdowns, October 28, Smaktakula's decades-old vendetta against the French, the French, this day in history, United States of America
On which the French and American people make a trade, with the French bequeathing to the United States the majestic Statue of Liberty, and the Americans in turn promising that France would never find herself abruptly forced to learn German.
We're Trying To Figure Out If Lady Liberty Is Really French. True, She Makes A Lot Of Demands And Hasn't Bathed In 125 Years, But That's A Torch In Her Hand And Not A Gauloise.
Promethean Times 