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Author Archives: Smaktakula

Gary Coleman’s Widow Took Some Time To Get Her Shit Together Before Giving Aid To Dying Husband

03 Thursday Jun 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Crime, Health, Hollywood, National Events, People, Relationships, Television

≈ 3 Comments

Tags

Black Widow, Cathy Smith, Celebrity Death Watch, celebrity deaths, Diff'rent Strokes, Diff'rent Strokes Curse, emergency aid, Emmanuel Lewis, famous short people, famous virgins, Gary Coleman, Gary Coleman's widow, John Belushi, Shannon Price, small black actor, speedball, unconsummated marriages, Yoko Ono

Not since Cathy Smith served John Belushi his last speedball has a woman been responsible for singlehandedly robbing the world of so much talent.

Black Widow & Black Midget During Happier Times

Shannon Price, who claims to be Gary Coleman’s wife (Coleman’s lawyer claims the couple was divorced at the time of the actor’s death), delayed seeking aid for a wounded Coleman, who later died.

From the 911 call:

“He just got home, I heard this big bang, I went downstairs. Blood everywhere,” she says. “I don’t know if he’s OK. I’m not down there right now because I have seizures, if I get stressed out I’m going to seize.”

Nice going, Yoko.

Hear The Future Mrs. Emmanuel Lewis’ Side Of The Story: Gary Coleman’s wife resisted giving him emergency aid – CNN.com.

Smaktakula

Authorities Still Unable To Find Crime With Which To Charge Guy Fieri

02 Wednesday Jun 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Art, Crime, Culture, General Foolishness, Justice, People, Television

≈ 1 Comment

Tags

celebrity chef, criminals, culinary crimelord, Diners Drive-Ins and Dives, Food Network, Guy Fieri, Juan-Carlos Cruz, murder-for-hire, skeevy, unleashed, unpunished, unrepentant, white trash

By Smaktakula

For the second time in the past few months, a celebrity chef has been charged with a crime.  And again, it wasn’t Guy Fieri.        

The severity of these crimes appears to be on the rise. Juan-Carlos Cruz has been accused of soliciting murder-for-hire.        

If He Had It To Do Again, Juan-Carlos Would Most Likely NOT Enlist Random Homeless People In A Murder-For-Hire Plot.

It would be hard to find someone critical of putting a murderer–or in Cruz’ case, an alleged murderer–behind bars.  The community is undeniably a safer place with Cruz off the streets.       

Critics charge that offenders such as Cruz are low-hanging fruit.  Perhaps the authorities would be wise to invest their energies in bringing down America’s culinary crimelord:       

Fieri: Unpunished, Unrepentant, Unleashed

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From Hillbuzz: Tipper To Divorce ManBearPig

01 Tuesday Jun 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Critters, Culture, Duh, General Foolishness, Mythology, National Events, National Politics, People, Politics, Relationships

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

Al Gore, Al Gore sleeps alone, An Inconvenient Truth, bedroom cooling, climate change, divorce, Environmental Chicken Littleism, environmentalism, fat people, gasbag, global warming, good move Tipper!, has-been, Hillbuzz, I'm super-serial!, laughingstock, ManBearPig, mid-life crisis, Ragnarok, scaremongering, search for meaning, search for relevance, separation, South Park, sweat act, Tipper Gore, Tipper leaving Al, Vice President Gore

Another unintended consequence of Ragnarök.

Watch Out For Bedroom Cooling. I'm Super-Serial!

SHOCKER: Tipper to divorce ManBearPig � HillBuzz.

The Improved Order Of Red Men

01 Tuesday Jun 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, General Foolishness, History, Mythology, National Events, Political Correctness, Race, Relationships, Social Networking

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

Baltimore, Chief Joseph, fraternal organization, Improved Order of Red Men, Indians, Maryland, Native Americans, Nez Perce, Political Correctness, racism, Red Man 1.0, unimproved red men

By Smaktakula

The Improved Order of Red Men is a fraternal organization founded in 1834 in Baltimore, Maryland.   

   

What quality is it that separates the improved red men from their pre-improvement brethren?  Mostly whiteness, as it turns out.   

Red Man 1.0 (Worth More In Original Packaging)

    

New & Improved


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News Of The Duh: Hostile North Korea May Present Threat To Peace

31 Monday May 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Asia, Culture, Duh, International Relations, Military, People, Politics, Relationships, World Affairs

≈ 1 Comment

Tags

appeasement, batshit crazy, Cheonan, China, comical despots, Japan, Kim Jong-il, Kim Jong-il is batshit crazy, News of the Duh, North Korea, So Ronery, South Korea, Team America: World Police, torpedo attack

The Leaders of Japan, South Korea and China held a summit recently to discuss North Korea’s unprovoked torpedo attack on the South Korean vessel, the Cheonan.

Apparently, one objective of the summit was to determine whether North Korea’s action, which resulted in the Cheonan’s sinking and the loss of 46 sailors, was a threat to peace.

They determined that it was.

So Ronery? Ronery Rike A Fox!

See These Three Wise Men Try To Find Their Posteriors With Both Hands And A Flashlight: BBC News – Asian trio say Cheonan sinking is threat to peace.

Smaktakula

Brilliant, Dirty Weirdo Said To Have Proved The Existence Of God

31 Monday May 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Europe, Mythology, People, Religion, Science

≈ 4 Comments

Tags

brilliant dirty weirdos, crazy bastard, Dr. Grigori Perelman, Dr. Grigory Perelman, famous virgins, mad Russian genius, Mathsputin, people with unibrows, Poincare Conjecture, proof of God, proving the existence of God, Russia

Not content to rest on his laurels after conquering the Poincaré Conjecture, Promethean Times’ favorite brilliant, dirty weirdo has apparently gone all metaphyisical.  According to a pal, Grigori Perelman believes he has proven the existence of God.      

Grigori, Grigory . . . Whatever. Is All Good

This information may be suspect, however.  This same friend claims that Perelman is–get this–a virgin.        

The day a brilliant, dirty, Russian weirdo sharing a cockroach-infested apartment with his mother in Ivanhoe, Siberia can’t get laid is the day the sun rises in the west.  Of course, stranger things have happened.      

Is True.  I Am Crazy Bastard Who Proved God Exists.  You Read: Grigory Perelman Uncertain if He Should Be Rewarded for Proving Existence of God – Pravda.Ru.

Smaktakula

Another Shining Light Extinguished Too Soon

28 Friday May 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, News

≈ 3 Comments

Tags

Arnold Jackson, Celebrity Death Watch, celebrity deaths, child stars, Corey Haim, Diff'rent Strokes, Diff'rent Strokes Curse, Dudley Is Next, famous short people, famous virgins, former child stars, Gary Coleman, Haimster, head injury, kidney problems, small black actor, Whatchootalkinboutwillis?

Gary Coleman is dead at 42.

Too soon after Corey, man.  Too soon.

Thisiswhatimtalkingboutwillis: Diff’rent Strokes Star Gary Coleman Dies at 42 : People.com.

Happy Thoughts For Today: Racking The Rev

28 Friday May 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, Culture, Religion, Stupidity

≈ 1 Comment

Tags

bigotry, closeted homosexual, cocksucker, douchebaggery, even Jesus thinks Fred Phelps sucks, God Hates Fags, happy thoughts, homophobia, jackassery, judge not lest ye be judged, kick you in the nuts, rack 'em!, religious fanatacism, religious intolerance, Reverend Fred Phelps, sexual repression, that asshole who demonstrates at the funerals of soldiers, Westboro Baptist Church

Picture Reverend Fred Phelps of the Westboro Baptist Church getting kicked in the nuts. 

"God Hates FaYEAAAAAAARUGH!"

Have a great one!

From CNN: Marijuana Plantations Feeding Europe’s Habit

28 Friday May 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, Drug Culture, Drugs, Plantlife, South America, World Affairs

≈ 3 Comments

Tags

CNN, dope, grass, hemp, keep marijuana illegal, marijuana, marijuana legalization, marijuana plantations, Mary Jane, peasant farmers, pot, reefer, South America, Stoner the Horse, sweet sweet cheeba, weed

Europe’s insatiable jones for the sweet, sweet cheeba has increased the demand for high-quality marijuana.  To meet this demand, peasant farmers in South America are growing cannabis in greater numbers.  These farmers claim that growing illegal marijuana is the only way they can feed their families. 

KEEP MARIJUANA ILLEGAL! 

I stop the farmer and briefly pet the horse. 

“He’s called Stoner,” the farmer tells me in Spanish, before breaking into a broad grin and setting off again. 

Fuck The Hay, Man--How 'Bout Some Corn Nuts?

 Stoner The Horse Says–This Is The Shit They Don’t Want You To Know, Man: Marijuana plantations feeding Europe’s habit – CNN.com.

Smaktakula

Wretched ‘Bachelorette’ Contestant Wishes He Had Just Said “I’m Prompt”

26 Wednesday May 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, Duh, General Foolishness, Humor, People, Reality Television, Relationships, Social Networking, Television

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

Cashew Dick, diarrhea of the mouth, early arrival, early finisher, humiliation on national TV, jackassery, laughingstock, loser, pathetic, premature ejaculation, Rolando Negrin, Shooter, Shooter McGavin, shut up you fool!, so sad, stop while you're ahead, The Bachelorette, TMI, wretched, your mother must be very proud

In a dark and slightly moist basement somewhere, Rolando “Cashew Dick” Negrin is jumping for joy.    The TSA worker and his stunted penis have done their time in the barrel, and are now free to slink off into blessed anonymity.  With a single request, “Shooter,” a contestant on TV’s The Bachelorette, catapulted himself from obscurity to become America’s newest and most exciting target of ridicule.   

“Ask me about my nickname,” Shooter urges the Bachelorette, hilariously ignorant of the humiliation tsunami he has set in motion, which comes crashing down upon him just a few minutes later.    

No, It's Not Because I'm A Good Golfer

Hey!  Wanna Hear Why They Call Me Guy Who Once Had Sex With A Chicken?  It’s Kinda Embarrassing: The Bachelorette Meets Shooter, the Man With the Saddest Nickname Backstory Ever — Vulture.

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