07 Monday Jun 2010
Posted in Culture, Europe, History, International Relations, Justice, Military, Mythology, Politics, Relationships
Tags
6 June 1944, Allies, Axis, Battle of Normandy, Canada, D Day, evil shenanigans, France, Frogs, Germany, Gold, Great Moments In American Diplomacy, Jerry, Juno, Krauts, Normandy Invasion, Normandy Landing, Omaha, Operation Neptune, Operation Overlord, Sword, The Hun, United Kingdom, United States of America, Utah
June 6, 1944: On Which The Hun Is Made To Understand That His Evil Shenanigans Will No Longer Be Tolerated.
07 Monday Jun 2010
Tags
fake n' bake, famous for nothing, Flintstones Chewable Vitamins, Goombah, Guidettes, Guidos, herpes, Herpes Nest, Italian Stereotypes, J-Woww, Jersey Shore, promiscuity, reality television, skankery, skanks, Snooki, STDs, The Clap, The Shore, The Situation, unfortunately-named celebrities, unlike your 15 minutes of fame herpes lasts forever, Valtrex, well-known whores, your mother must be very proud
Who knew there could be consequences from living a life without consequences?
Who knew the thought of the Jersey Shore cast gobbling Valtrex like they were Flintstones Chewable Vitamins would be so disturbing?
Abandon All Hope, Ye Who Enter Here
What’s The Difference Between J-Woww And A Midget Con Man? Well, One’s A Cunning Runt . . .Jersey Shore creator hands out herpes medicine to cast ‘like M&Ms,’ says report.
01 Tuesday Jun 2010
Posted in Critters, Culture, Duh, General Foolishness, Mythology, National Events, National Politics, People, Politics, Relationships
Tags
Al Gore, Al Gore sleeps alone, An Inconvenient Truth, bedroom cooling, climate change, divorce, Environmental Chicken Littleism, environmentalism, fat people, gasbag, global warming, good move Tipper!, has-been, Hillbuzz, I'm super-serial!, laughingstock, ManBearPig, mid-life crisis, Ragnarok, scaremongering, search for meaning, search for relevance, separation, South Park, sweat act, Tipper Gore, Tipper leaving Al, Vice President Gore
Watch Out For Bedroom Cooling. I'm Super-Serial!
31 Monday May 2010
Posted in Asia, Culture, Duh, International Relations, Military, People, Politics, Relationships, World Affairs
Tags
appeasement, batshit crazy, Cheonan, China, comical despots, Japan, Kim Jong-il, Kim Jong-il is batshit crazy, News of the Duh, North Korea, So Ronery, South Korea, Team America: World Police, torpedo attack
The Leaders of Japan, South Korea and China held a summit recently to discuss North Korea’s unprovoked torpedo attack on the South Korean vessel, the Cheonan.
Apparently, one objective of the summit was to determine whether North Korea’s action, which resulted in the Cheonan’s sinking and the loss of 46 sailors, was a threat to peace.
They determined that it was.
So Ronery? Ronery Rike A Fox!
See These Three Wise Men Try To Find Their Posteriors With Both Hands And A Flashlight: BBC News – Asian trio say Cheonan sinking is threat to peace.
24 Monday May 2010
Posted in Culture, Drug Culture, General Foolishness, Hollywood, People, Satire, Scandal
Tags
Celebrity Death Watch, court date, Dina Lohan, DUI, E-Trade, Flower of American Skankhood, former child stars, has-been, India, inebriate, LEAVE LINDSAY ALONE!!!, LiLo, Lindsay Lohan, Michael Lohan, Promethean Times' Patron Skank, skankery, sniper, untalented stars, US Justice System
These are lean times for Promethean Times’ Patron Skank, Lindsay Lohan. The plucky actress has faced anti-skank bigotry in India, the unlawful appropriation of her name and likeness by E-Trade and of course, the terrifying sniper episode. Now, Lindsay faces what is perhaps her greatest challenge yet–a court date for her most recent DUI.
Lindsay has reason to be scared. If the US Justice System gets its way, Lindsay may be forbidden one of America’s most cherished freedoms–the right to get way fucked up.
The threat is so serious that Michael and Dina Lohan, Lindsay’s “parents”, have toyed with the idea of combining forces for their mutual profit and if time and circumstances permit, to make a passable effort at saving their daughter’s life.
Promethean Times wonders how Lindsay will regard this difficult period in her life when she contemplates it at thirty or thirty-five. Will she be ashamed of her 2010 antics, or will she embrace them as necessary steps in her development into self-confident maturity?
Last Round, Coming Up
Ha Ha! Just kidding about that. Lindsay’s never gonna see thirty.
20 Thursday May 2010
Posted in Culture, Games, General Foolishness, Islam, National Events, People, Race, Scandal, Television
Tags
ABC News, Arab Americans, Arabs, beauty pageant, beauty pageants objectify women!, Detroit, Islam, Lebanese Americans, Miss USA, muslims, pole dancing, Rima Fakih, scandal, The Great Satan, your mother must be very proud
The Great Satan For The Win!
Tighten Your Turbans: Arab Reaction to Miss USA Winner Rima Fakih – ABC News.
12 Wednesday May 2010
Tags
bondage club scandal, GOP, John Shaft, Michael Steele, Papa Don't Take No Mess, Pat Boone, Republican Party, strip club scandal, Upside Yo Head
Michael Steele takes swift and firm action on the Republican sex-club scandal that happened like two years ago or something.
2 Parts John Shaft + 1 Part Pat Boone = Michael Steele: Upside Yo Head, Punk!
Papa Don’t Take No Mess. For More Than A Few Months, Anyway: FOXNews.com – Steele Fires Finance Directors Amid ‘Bondage Club’ Scandal.
10 Monday May 2010
Posted in Corporate Culture, Crime, Culture, General Foolishness, Health, Humor, People, Relationships, Scandal
Tags
Cashew Dick, fight with co-worker, it's not the meat it's the motion, loser, Rolando Negrin, size of genitals, so sad, tiny penis, TSA worker
Rolando Negrin, a TSA worker apparently hung like a larval mosquito, became increasingly upset by jeers about his economy-sized penis.
Rolando "Cashew Dick" Negrin
Instead of going out and buying himself a really big American truck, Rolando went apeshit and assaulted his annoying co-worker.
While Rolando may not relish the attention paid to his unimpressive meat-missile, he will hopefully take some satisfaction in the idea that by beating on his co-worker, he at least got to manhandle a prick that was much larger than a baby’s thumb.
See Rolando Go Off Half-Cocked: FOXNews.com – TSA Worker Arrested After Jokes, Fight About Size of Genitalia.
07 Friday May 2010
Tags
Barack Obama, Contessa Brewer, Eric Holder, Faisal Shahzad, Gitmo, Guantanamo Bay, home-grown terrorism, Islam, Michael Bloomberg, MSNBC, muslims, nanny state, Obama Administration, Obamacare, Political Correctness, Rachel Maddow, radical Islam, Tea Party, teabaggers, Terrorism
In the hours following the accidentally foiled Times Square bombing, Washington and the media let the world know just what sort of deranged maniac they were looking for: a disgruntled white guy. Remember: Timothy McVeigh was white. So was Ted Kaczynski. And don’t forget to add Eric Rudolph’s two kills into the shameful annals of American terrorism.
Since then, pretty much every major act of violent terrorism has been committed predominately (by which we mean exclusively) by adherents of Islam*. The current expectations among fans of Professional International Terrorism (PIT) is that whitey is due for a significant atrocity.
New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg apparently believes that as with his legislation regarding which foods New Yorkers can put in their bodies, his own God-given wisdom trumps facts. Shortly after the incident, the mayor responsibly opined that while he didn’t really have a clue as to what happened, he was confident enough to prognosticate that the would-be mass murderer would turn out to be an American citizen bitter about Obamacare.
Bloomberg’s mistake is a reasonable one considering that the administration and most of the media have been warning that Tea Party radicals were going to try something crazy. The media has provided substantial proof for these claims, if one accepts incestuously recycled comments from other “journalists” as proof.
The world was shocked to learn that the alleged bad guy, Faisal Shahzad was not white, nor was he Christian. He was not a Republican, and apparently did not play college-level lacrosse.
After Shahzad’s lack of Christian whiteness was discovered, MSNBC spokesperson Contessa Brewer expressed dismay that the failed bomber was Islamic, claiming that certain groups would use that fact to their own racist ends. Presumably this entails spreading the false rumor that people of Islamic faith make poor terrorists. This is especially galling since Islamic terrorists are considered the cream of the crop when it comes to murderous thugs.
Brewer later backpedalled on her Facebook site, saying she simply didn’t want the terrorist to be of a specific race. It’s just that there was a specific race and/or religious preference that she didn’t want it to be.
In virtually the same breath, Brewer attempts to justify her statements by pointing to Bloomberg’s latest statements, admonishing Americans not to take out their anger on Pakistani Muslims. The fact that no major acts of violence against American muslims have occurred since 9/11 is a testament to the efficacy of this sort of pedantic, self-righteous nagging.
Still, until the Obama adminstration and the friendly press can return to the narrative of the white Christian as Public Enemy Number 1, there are going to be some downcast faces:
Thought That White Christian Prisoners Would Help Diversify Gitmo
Say WHAAAAAAAAAAT?!?
This Guy Is Totally Bummed
Hopefully the next terrorist will look like this:
Why Is She So Full Of Hate?
Otherwise it’ll really screw up the narrative.
05 Wednesday May 2010
Posted in Crime, General Foolishness, Hollywood, Humor, People, Relationships, Satire, Scandal, Television
Tags
Abby Cadabby, Baby Bear, Children's Television Workshop, I love to count!, lisping retard, mauling, Omle, Pat Robertson, PBS, PETA, Sesame Street, speech impediment, violent celebrities
Children’s television star Abigail “Abby” Cadabby is in critical condition tonight following an on-set mauling. A featured player on PBS’ Sesame Street, Cadabby is expected to survive the attack, but the future of her career remains up in the air, as do her prospects for ever flying again under her own power.
The Victim
The incident occurred on-set sometime after 2:00 PM this afternoon. Hard facts are still elusive, but according to eye-witnesses, Cadabby was mauled by co-worker, Whitman “Baby” Bear. Children’s Television Police Department would not confirm that Bear was a suspect in Cadabby’s mauling. However, a source with the CTPD confirms that Bear has been taken into custody.
Portions of the 911 call have been released:
Operator: Please sir, you’re going to have to speak more slowly.
Caller: {Unintelligible noises which may be chewing}
Operator: Sir, officers are on the way. I need you to calm down.
Caller: {shouting} Me am calm!
Operator: That’s good, Sir. Please, tell me what you see.
Caller: Me see blood! Me see blood! {someone screaming in background} Me see blood all over Hooper’s. All over the cookies! {sobbing}
The line remained open, and a second witness eventually came on the line. Here are some of the transcripts from that conversation.
Caller: Yes, it is very bad. Abby is screaming. She has been bitten many times. Ah-ah-ah-ah.
Operator: Can you see how many times she’s been bitten?
Caller: Ah-ah-ah-ah.
Operator: Sir, I–
Caller: I see one bite. One bite on Abby.
Operator: So that’s one–
Caller: Two bites, I see two bites on Abby. Ah-ah-ah-ah.
Operator: So it’s two bites.
Caller: Three bites, I see three bites on Abby.
Operator: So is it two or–
Caller: I love to count! Ah-ah-ah-ah.
Operator: I can appreciate that, Sir, but–
Caller: Four! I see four bites on Abby. Ah-ah-ah-ah.
The call goes on like this for seventeen minutes.
There have been several theories behind the vicious attack. Televangelist Pat Robertson opined that the mauling was “Clear proof that bears have no souls.” This is not the first time Robertson has angered some members of the Ursine-American community. Ultimately, Robertson blamed Cadabby, saying of the critically injured troll-fairy, “I’m praying that Ms. Cadabby makes a full recovery, and hope that she’ll see how her repeated use of witchcraft brought this mauling upon her.”
PETA spokesman Jeff Meriwether calls Robertson’s statements “irresponsible.” Said Meriwether, “It’s a classic case of blaming the victim. The Children’s Television Workshop is clearly to blame here. Mr. Bear is–and I can’t stress this enough–a wild animal. Keeping him on set under those lights for fourteen hours a day was asking for something like this. It’s a testament to Mr. Bear that this didn’t happen earlier.”
Baby Bear: A History Of Violence Toward Women
While the whole truth may never be known, some sources close to both Cadabby and Bear tell of a long-standing feud between the two performers. According to one source, who asked to be identified only as ‘Omle,’ Cadabby may have been provoking Bear in the moments leading up to the attack.
{Omle} saw the whole thing. {Omle} was taping {Omle}’s segment, {Omle}’s World, but Mr. Producer made {Omle} stop because Abby and Baby were making so much noise yelling at each other. It made {Omle} sad.
Then {Omle} heard Abby call Baby a ‘Lisping Retard.’ Then {Omle} could only hear the screaming.
'Omle'
Whatever truth, if any, finally emerges from this sad episode, it’s clear that the lives of two very talented performers–one clinging to life in a hospital bed, the other cooling his metaphorical heels in the county lockup–will never be the same.
Promethean Times 