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Category Archives: Celebrity

Falwell Was Right About The Teletubbies

05 Thursday May 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, Culture, History, Stupidity

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

Andy Bell, Dipsy, Dora the Explorer, Erasure, gay, homosexuality, insipid entertainment, kiddie shows, Laa-Laa, Liberace, Po, Rev. Jerry Falwell, Scooby Doo, stupidity, Teletubbies, television characters, the myriad facets of gayness, Tinky Winky

By Smaktakula

Jerry Has Moved On. He Now Wants To Know Why Dora The Explorer Doesn't Like Boys.

Years ago the Reverend Jerry Falwell became a laughingstock when he declared that children’s television characters, the Teletubbies, were gay.  Although the insipidly adorable British monstrosities, Tinky Winky, Dipsy, Laa-Laa and Po have been turning children’s brains to mush for almost fifteen years, there is no evidence to suggest that exposure to the Teletubbies has any effect on a child’s future sexuality.

teletubbies names

Not Even Remotely Homosexual, But Still Gayer Than Liberace Draped In A Rainbow Flag And Eating An Ice Cream Cone While Riding A Sequin-Studded Unicorn.

Through the gulf of years, however, it becomes plain that the buffoonish Bible-thumper wasn’t altogether wrong.  At the heart of the issue is the word ‘gay’ with its myriad connotations.

Secretly Knows He Will Never Reach The Swishy Benchmark Set By Tinky Winky.

It is ludicrous to think that four sexless, half-witted mutant hamsters could be homosexual (or any kind of sexual).  Despite this, it is apparent to even the most casual observer that the Teletubbies are in fact massively gay.

Fred From Scooby Doo: Gay In EVERY Sense Of The Word.

Royals: Keeping It In The Family

03 Tuesday May 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, Culture, History

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

Alexei Nikolaevich, Beatrice of York, blue-bloods, Britain's Royal Family, Buckingham Palace, childish sexual innuendo, congenital afflictions, European Royalty, France, Great Britain, hemophilia, HURRR!, incest, Kate Middleton, King Ralph, Louis XIV, Nicholas II, Prince Andrew, Prince William, Princess Beatrice, Royal Disease, Royal weddings, Royals, royaltard, Sarah Ferguson, Smaktakula's decades-old vendetta against the French, spokescow, United Kingdom, Weight Watchers

By Smaktakula

Actually, There Are Far Worse Congenital Defects Associated With Inbreeding Than Simply Being A Moronic Sack Of Manatee Blubber.

Most people know that in days of yore European royalty was a tight-knit club.  So tight-knit, in fact, that intermarriages among the various royal families increasingly began to produce malignant progeny who were deformities, idiots and stillbirths.  History is replete with whispered tales of these chromosomally-challenged royals, persisting even into the 20th with the feeble Alexei Nikolaevich, son of Nicholas II, the last Czar of Russia.  Hemophilia was so pronounced among previous generations of elites, that it earned itself the magisterial nickname, ‘The Royal Disease.’

Progeny Of Incestuous Unions Are Often Afflicted With Rodent-Like Features.

But few realize that the royal curse persists to this day.  It is a topic the press ignores by silent consensus, and one about which the public prudently remains uninquisitive.   Perhaps this is because, even for people living outside the United Kingdom, the British Royal Family epitomizes dignity, nobility and class; the thought of the Earl of Twaddle-upon-Bumheath flinging his own poo at the Duchess of Queef is almost too much to bear.

Wait Your Turn, Lads!--At Least Four Royals Would Have To Die Before Either Of These Young Lords Can Hope To Assume The Throne.

Recently, the world was forced to acknowledge the Royal Secret when, at the recent wedding of Prince William and Kate Middleton, photographers snapped several pictures of one of these blue-blood unfortunates.  Historically, Buckingham Palace has kept a tight rein on these high-born embarrassments, but the Palace has liberalized considerably in recent years.  This is thought to be the reason that at least one of these creatures was allowed to not only be seen in public, but to be photographed.

The Hereditary Deformities Of French Monarch Louis XIV Spawned A Cruel National Nickname.

The royaltard in question is Beatrice of York, daughter of former Weight Watchers spokescow and attempted royal access merchant Sarah Ferguson and her former husband, the all-around cad Prince Andrew.  Beatrice appears in several wedding photos, sporting a unique piece of headgear she designed herself.  When asked the significance of the bizarre accoutrement, Beatrice replied with a series of soft mewling sounds.

"Mummy! I'm A Teletubby!"

Beatrice: A Very Special Royal

"HUURRRRR!"

"I'm Beetruth! Hooray For Beetruth!"

Oh God, That Is SO Cute! Smaktakula Had A Hamster That Used To Do That. He Just Couldn't Get The Concept Of Glass.

Beatrice, Sweetie--Don't Lie To Mummy. Now, I'll Ask You Just Once More: Did You Smear Nectar In Your Hair Again?

"Loo Loo Loo, You Can't See Me! Loo Loo Loo!"

Bin Laden: The Final Hours

02 Monday May 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, Crime, Culture, History, News, Religion

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

9/11, bin Laden dead, dicks, Ding Dong the Dick is Dead!, famous martyrs, Glee, Islam, Osama bin Laden, stupid shit little girls like, The Great Satan, United States of America

By Smaktakula

REVEALED!  The fatal missteps which led first to the betrayal and then slaying by US forces of 9/11 mastermind and all-around-dick Osama bin Laden.

"Ibrahim, Buddy--It's Totally Awesome Of You To Let Me Crash Here, Man. A Cave Gets Old Really Quick."

"It's Cool, Osama--Mi Casa Es Tu Casa!"

"You Are Too Kind, My Friend. I Know This Has Been A Hardship For You. I've Made A Pretty Big Mess With All My Stuff, Plus, The Great Satan Would Pay A King's Ransom To Know Where I Am Staying Tonight."

"Let The Americans Spend Their Riches In Hell. I Do Not Want Their Filthy Blood Money. I Would Not Betray You For All The Riches In The World."

"I Know This, My Friend. You've Done More For Me Than I Can Repay. Speaking Of Which, Did You Want Me To Throw You A Couple Bucks For All The Food I Ate?"

"No Need, My Friend, No Need! It's Nice Just To Have You Here. By The Way, Did You See A VHS Cassette Lying Around? I've Missed The Last Two Episodes Of My Favorite Show, And Want To Watch It Tonight."

Thanks For Being Cool About The Food, Man--I'm Pretty Broke Anyway. And Did The VHS Cassette Say 'GLEE' On It? 'Cause I'm Pretty Sure I Taped Over It To Make A Message To The Crusaders. Sorry, Bro--My Bad. Still, We All Do What We Can For The Struggle, Right?"

Moronic Song Inspires Moronic Death Threats

29 Friday Apr 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, Crime, Culture, Music, News

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

Adam Lambert, Auto-Tune, Bono, devolution, Emil Haagerdäddi, Friday, Good Charlotte, John Hinckley Jr., John Lennon, Kirstie Alley, Kurt Cobain, Mark David Chapman, psychos, Rebecca Black, stupid people, stupid shit little girls like, Susan Boyle, The Catcher in the Rye, Twilight, untalented stars, weirdos, William Hung, Yoko Ono

By Smaktakula

Once Upon A Time, Psychos Shot Public Figures To Impress Acclaimed Actresses. Today They'll Do It For Kirstie Alley.

The world has changed a great deal since Mark David Chapman was convinced by overrated teen-angst novel The Catcher in the Rye that John Lennon was a “phony” and needed to die.  Although Chapman will be forever hated as the man who killed John Lennon but didn’t kill Yoko Ono when he had the chance, it must be granted that in selecting the former Beatle as the target for his psychopathic rage, he was certainly aiming high.

Still Alive. Why, God? Why?

In 2011, fringy weirdos are apparently under no compulsion to set such lofty goals for themselves, as evidenced by disturbing news from Anaheim, California that imbecilic viral sensation Rebecca Black has received two death threats.  An unnamed source with the Anaheim PD confirmed the report, saying: “It’s baffling that someone should be upset over this song.”  While admitting it was insipid, aural crack, he added, “But Rebecca has an IQ of 73–she literally doesn’t know what she’s singing–or Auto-Tuning, rather.”

The offensive video:

There are those who remain unconcerned about this incident, denying any link to a wider social trend, reasoning that, after all, Friday is a pretty shitty song.  But a growing number of cultural watchdogs see this as symptomatic of society’s devolution as a whole.  “A few years ago,” says Dr. Emil Haagerdäddi of the Cambridge Institute for Stalker Studies, “This nut would have been gunning for Bono or Kurt Cobain.  But those pukes in Good Charlotte are too highbrow for today’s headcase.  It’s sad, really.”

A Literary Work No Longer Needs To Have Cultural Resonance To Inspire Pathetically Crazed Fans.

It’s too early to tell if the doomsayers are correct in believing that humanity has fallen to such a level that the effect is evidenced even in society’s outliers.  True or not, it’s best to err on the side of caution, and provide a little extra protection for such pop music footnotes as Susan Boyle and that pouty little gay kid from American Idol.

William Hung: This Talentless Blob Fears For His Life.

Headlines 04.28.11

28 Thursday Apr 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, News

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

American Civil War, autism, Brazil, Cape Cod, Donald Trump, Enrique Iglesias, Garey Busey, great white shark, headlines, homosexuality, Libya, Madden NFL 12, massacre, NATO, NFL, sailors, sharks, slavery, street children, US Navy, Vladimir Putin, you got a real purty mouth

By Smaktakula

Just the headlines, none of the content.  For more Headlines fun, click here and here.

Navy panel allows openly gay sailor to continue to serve ~ Sounds noble, but remember–we’re talking about the Navy.  If the US Navy were to rid itself entirely of homosexuality, it would have all the fighting strength of the Cape Cod Yacht Club.

Anchors Aweigh!

Brazil shooting said to be first school massacre in nation’s history ~  Previous Brazilian massacres have been of street children, and thus not newsworthy.

Madden NFL 12 to Make Player Safety a Priority ~Madden 12: Also known as ‘The Lame Edition.’

Blind pooch comes with own guide dog ~ Talk about a useless creature.

Meet the perfect rainforest predator ~ Haven’t they been telling us for years that it’s man?

Act goes awry, human cannonball dies ~ There’s no way anyone could have seen this coming.

Gary Busey endorses Donald Trump for president ~ Gary left a chunk of his brain on the street after a helmetless motorcycle accident.  Still, we thought he was smarter than that.

“My Cat’s Breath Smells Like Cat Food!”

Sick grandma dropped in Arctic in botched rescue ~ Okay, we’re actually gonna read this one.

What Makes a Person Ugly? ~ Well, it’s tough to explain, but there’s a reason dogs bark at you in the street and children flee screaming upon your approach.

‘Atlas Shrugged’ finally comes to the screen ~ The audience shrugs.

Small Iowa town ‘lucky’ after big tornado ~ But in the moments before the tornado they were decidedly unlucky.

Shark expert surprised by great white attack on woman ~ If he’s really an expert, he should know they do that.

Pissing Yourself Is An Acceptable Response.

Civil War’s dirty secret about slavery ~ Was that a secret?–Because our 8th grade history teacher just wouldn’t shut up about it.

Libya regime accuses Nato of siding with rebels ~ Wasn’t that the whole point?

What Happens When Autistic Kids Grow Up? ~ We just don’t know, and we can’t afford to let that happen.

Is Sitting a Lethal Activity? ~ It all depends upon what you’re sitting on.

Our Eagerness To Resort To Awful Puns Is Simply Shocking.

Are You Praising Your Child Properly? ~ Do you even know where the little fuckers are right now?

Putin does the rendition-and-secret-jail thing, too ~ We’re not so different after all.

Woman denies biting off testicles ~ So was she a man before she did it?

Spend Valentine’s Day with Enrique Iglesias and a Big Bottle of Astroglide Personal Lubricant ~ We are so there.

“Nadie Puede Amarte Como Yo Pueda, Smaktakula.”

Caged Skank: LiLo To Jail?

26 Tuesday Apr 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, Cinema, Crime, News

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

Babes Behind Bars, Celebrity Death Watch, childish sexual innuendo, don't drop the soap, drunk driving, exploitation films, famous gingers, Flower of American Skankhood, gingers, jail, John A. Gotti, John Gotti, Jr., Kim Gotti, LA County Morgue, LiLo, Lindsay Lohan, skanks, Skid Row, untalented stars, women in prison, women's shelter, you got a real purty mouth

By Smaktakula

A Still From Lindsay's Solo Mime Performance: 'Fellating A Very Tiny Invisible Man.'

Lawyers for sometime-actress and Flower of American Skankhood Lindsay Lohan plan to file an appeal against a court decision that could send the vapid sexpot to jail for up to 120 days.   The decision comes in response to a parole violation stemming from the actress’ 2007 conviction for drunk driving.

This Magic Talisman Is Considerably More Efficacious When Used By Male Prisoners.

Even if LiLo is forced to serve some or all of her sentence, there is an upside.  Not only have the producers of the upcoming John Gotti biopic graciously allowed the imploding actress to keep her role  in the film as Junior Gotti’s loyal wife, Kim, but jail-time should give LiLo some first-hand experience in prison life, which should give her an edge in future auditions for soft-core Babes Behind Bars exploitation flicks.

Word Is, The Girls On Cellblock D Already Have A Nickname For LiLo: 'The Crimson Clam.'

As Team Lohan appeals Lindsay’s jail time, the actress is preparing to fulfill her 480 hours of community service at a Skid Row woman’s shelter and the LA County Morgue, where she will work as a janitor.  The experience will no doubt be made more enriching for the doomed starlet if she comes to understand that these same two locations are also likely to be the penultimate and terminal stops on her career trajectory.

Making The Most Of Her Time At The LA County Morgue, LiLo Poses With The Corpse Of Charlie Chaplin.

Saluting Lisa Ling

21 Thursday Apr 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, Stupidity

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

Asians, fun with stereotypes, journalists, Lisa Ling, stereotypes, stupid people, tolerance, Why am I so stupid?

By Smaktakula

Lisa Ling: Herein Is Contained All The Intellectual Fire-Power Of An Amish Cap Gun.

In this era of steadily-ratcheting racial tensions, pitting humanity’s ancient tendency for clannishness against society’s current preference for enforced tolerance, it’s critical to recognize those individuals who go to great lengths to promote understanding among the races.  One such trailblazer is TV’s Lisa Ling, who proudly puts an end to the degrading stereotype that all Asians are preternaturally intelligent; Ling’s as dumb as a box of rocks.

"Then Buh-Buh-Baby Bear Suh-Said, Some . . . Someone Has Been Sluh-Sleeping In My Bed."

One-Legged Hag Refuses To Let Senility Destroy Her Dreams Of Second-Time Motherhood

19 Tuesday Apr 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, Cinema, News, Stupidity

≈ 1 Comment

Tags

adult adoption, California politics, creepy, famous for nothing, famous Hungarians, Frédèric Prinz von Anhalt, gold digger, hot long ago, in-vitro fertilization, Kaiser Wilhelm II, old people, perverted science, pregnancy, sperm donor, that trick never works, untalented stars, Zsa Zsa Gabor

By Smaktakula

For Reals: Zsa Zsa Was Hot Long Ago.

Creepy gold-digger Frédèric Prinz von Anhalt announced recently that his wife, superannuated entertainment oddity Zsa Zsa Gabor, would like to have another child at 94.  Anhalt has reportedly spent $100,000 for the procedure.

Gabor, most famous for slapping a police officer, was a forerunner of today’s reality stars, who traded on her image rather than talents or actual accomplishments.  Although her list of film credits is relatively meager, the Hungarian harridan has tenaciously managed to keep herself in the tabloids.

Prince Frederic von Anhalt with his wife Zsa Zsa Gabor, who has suffered major health problems in the last year, including hip replacement surgery and a leg amputation.

"Better Get That Camera Out Of Here. Me And The Missus May Start On That Baby Right Now, If You Know What I Mean."

Those who are dubious about Gabor’s supposed quest for 2nd-time motherhood have derided the couple’s plan as an obscene affront against nature.  The crone has had difficulty walking since a 2002 car accident, and recently had her gangrenous right leg removed.  Anhalt explains that while Gabor’s desiccated body would be used as a host for the pregnancy, the couple would be soliciting the help of a donor, and would not be relying on the ancient actresses’ rotten eggs.

Anhalt, who gained his title after being adopted as an adult by the last surviving relative of Kaiser Wilhelm II, briefly considered a run for Governor of California before withdrawing to care for Gabor.  Anhalt has on more than one occasion returned the favor by adopting an adult male.  Now, however, the wily Kraut plans to employ perverted science to create biological children, proudly announcing that he’d already donated sperm to the cause.

The Personal Style Of A Prince: Start With A Dollop Of Prussian Officer And Liberal Amounts Of Sgt. Pepper, With Just A Dash Of Captain EO.

OMG! NKOTBSB 4EVR!

14 Thursday Apr 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, Culture, Music, News

≈ 1 Comment

Tags

Backstreet Boys, boy bands, BSB, Donnie Wahlberg, George Bernard Shaw, George Foreman, Johann Sebastian Bach, Muhammad Ali, N'Sync, New Kids Forever! Still Hangin' Tough Baby!, New Kids on the Block, NKOTB, NKOTBSB, proctological health, stupid shit little girls like, William Shakespeare, Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart

By Smaktakula

Before You Criticize, Take A Good Long Look At Your High School Senior Photo.

It’s a team-up for the ages, a meeting swimming in historical portentousness: Ali & Foreman fighting side-by-side, Shakespeare and Shaw joining forces, a collaboration between Mozart and Bach–the two greatest forces in achingly adolescent boy-band pop have come together to rock your world, Girl.

The Backstreet Boys Want To Remind You How Important It Is For Men Over Thirty-Five To Have Yearly Proctological Exams.

So call the babysitter right now–never mind that it’s a school night.  What was only a schoolgirl’s fantasy in the waning days of the 20th Century has become a reality in the second decade of the 21st.  In the most tantalizing of flavor combinations since peanut butter met chocolate, the fresh young fellows of best-selling boy band the Backstreet Boys have teamed up with teenybopper godfathers, the now-ironically named New Kids on the Block, to form NKOTBSB.  This awesomely anachronistic amalgam is greater than the sum of its parts, calculated to set hormones ablaze for the first time in over a decade.

PT EXCLUSIVE! A Sneak Peak At The Official NKOTBSB Tour Shirts!

The series of sexy initials has already released a single highlighting the boys’ persistent fear of the dark, ‘Don’t Turn Out the Lights.’  NKOTBSB doesn’t plan to stop there–a full-length album is forthcoming, followed by a rockin’ summer tour.

Prefers Hasselhoff To NKOTBSB. But What Does He Know? Hes A Deaf, Crazy, Deceased Kraut.

According to fans, the only thing better than NKOTBSB would be N’SYNKOTB, a combination of the New Kids and the remaining members of former boy-band, N’Sync, some of whose members have actually met success story Justin Timberlake.

Expected To Join The NSYNKOTBSB 2022 Tour, Filling In While Donnie Wahlberg Recovers From Gastric Bypass Surgery.

Don’t Turn Out the Lights:

NKOTB + BSB = Approximately 1,600 pounds of pure, unadulterated AWESOME.

This Day In History: April 12th, 1961 CE

12 Tuesday Apr 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, History, Science

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

1961, April 12th, Moscow, outer space, places that suck, Russia, Russians sure like that vodka, Soviet Union, space race, this day in history, USSR, vodka, Vostok 1, Yuri Gagarin

On which vodka becomes the first alcohol to be consumed in outer space.

Fun Fact: Vostok 1 Was Much Roomier Than Gagarin's Moscow Apartment, But Lacking A Leaking Roof And With A Better Supply Of Toilet Paper.

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