Category Archives: Cinema

Burt Reynolds Prepares For Recurring Role As Filthy Homeless Person

19 Friday Aug 2011

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By Smaktakula

Or Just Give Him A Place To Crash Until He Gets Things Together. You Know, Whatever.

Mustachioed 70s fixture Burt Reynolds claims to be surprised to find that his Florida mansion is in foreclosure,  despite not having made a mortgage payment since September of last year.  Times are lean for the toupee-abusing former icon of Me-Generation machismo, whose last tolerable film came during the Clinton years.

Burt Stands To Lose Everything.

There is concern for the actor’s future among those who are closest to Reynolds, such as Kate the Bennigan’s bartender or the kid who deliver’s the former personality’s newspaper.  The fear is that the soon-to-be homeless Reynolds will before long be huddling desperately for warmth beneath an overpass, now that Dom DeLuise‘s couch is unavailable.

"We Have Some Great Times Together, Don't We? I've Got A Crazy Idea, Babe, And I Think We Should Just Go For It. What Do You Think About Maybe Living Together For A Little While?"

Mustache Rides Now $1.50.

Depardieu’s ‘Euro-Nation’ Stunt Deemed Derivative And Unoriginal

18 Thursday Aug 2011

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By Smaktakula

Smooth Move, Ex-Lax. Your Mère Must Be Very Proud.

Bloated French nonentity Gèrard Depardieu attempted to make a splash Tuesday morning in what appears to be a copycat urination attack.  The sweaty Euro-pérvert, inexplicably famous for something somewhere, apparently mistook an airplane aisle for a Paris sidewalk, and began to urinate indiscriminately.

Depardieu, Who Often Displays His Cock In Public, Is Seen Here Choking His Chicken.

Depardieu’s boorish behavior marks the second airplane-related act of urination in the past several days.  It has been speculated that the blobbish thespian, who has repeatedly expressed fears that the French are ceding their status as World’s Rudest People to America, was trying to one-up US pissing sensation Robert “Sandy” Vietze.

When You Look At Depardieu's Previous indiscretions, This One Seems Tiny And Insignificant.

If so, this was a mistake says Dr. Emil Haagerdäddi, director of the Harvard Urine Fellowship.  “As with so many things,” Haagerdäddi says, “America did it first and did it better,” explaining that the portly Frenchman couldn’t hope to execute a difficult public urination with the same grace as Vietze, who is both much younger and a trained athlete.

We Hope That In The Future, Depardieu Will Avail Himself Of A More Proper Toilet.

Osama’s Pakistani Whack Shack

16 Monday May 2011

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By Smaktakula

Bin Laden Debunks The Myth About Hairy Palms.

The Navy SEALs tasked with eliminating resilient Saudi boogeyman Osama bin Laden were trained to expect just about anything.  They knew, for example, that they would encounter fierce resistance from bin Laden and his lieutenants, and that the terror mastermind would not hesitate to toss away one of his countless wives like spent Kleenex if it meant adding a few more malice-drenched moments to his own tumultuous time on earth.  But what the SEAL team found was something America’s intelligence industry failed to anticipate, and which took the SEALs completely by surprise: bin Laden’s impressive and more-than-slightly-used pornography collection.

Osama Repeatedly Claimed It Was For His Dry Skin.

This information gap does US intelligence no credit, particularly since for the better part of a year, several publications–most notably Promethean Times–have been warning of the pervasive Pakistani predilection for particularly prurient and perverse porn.  As is now becoming more widely known, Pakistanis lead the rest of the world in filthy internet searches, and are rapidly gaining a reputation for harboring not only terrorists among their population, but goat-fuckers as well.

Osama's Fingerprints Were All Over This. Literally.

Is it any wonder then, that bin Laden–a guest in that great nation–would seek onanistic relief in such delightful naughtiness as Salaam Salami!, You Mecca Me Horny II and Riders of the Three-Humped Camel?  The picture becomes clearer when one considers bin Laden’s legendary sex drive, the horny hatemonger having more wives than the desert has sand.

A Copy Of This Book Was Found Under Osama's Mattress. It Was Identified Only After Investigators Were Able To Separate The Pages With A Razor Blade.

Because of the high security and the presence of so many people in the compound, privacy was at a minimum and as such, valued as a premium.  Even placing extra locks on the doors didn’t stop careless security personnel or nosy wives from barging in on bin Laden just as he was in the process of ‘blowing the first tower.’  Ironically, in the days before he was executed by US Forces, bin Laden devised a system whereby he would leave his turban hanging over the doorknob to let people know he was ‘taking the Haj.’

Fortunately, Osama Died Without Ever Knowing That His Favorite Footlong Was 100% Kosher.

Headlines 05.11.11

11 Wednesday May 2011

Posted by in Celebrity, Cinema, Culture, Music, News, Religion, Sport

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By Smaktakula

In which we opine on various news headlines without reading the articles.

***

The Costars: Jim Carrey paired with penguins ~ With each film Carrey reaches further down the evolutionary ladder in his thus-far-futile search for a less-talented co-star.

Hackers group says it will attack Iran Sunday ~ The best attacks are unannounced.

Armless Dude Throws Out Ceremonial First Pitch At Dodger Stadium ~ Figuratively, one assumes.

He May Look Dangerous, But Actually He’s Quite Armless.*

Police Bust Cockfighting Ring at Texas Children’s Party ~ We hope they’re talking about chickens.

Were Navy SEALs justified in shooting an unarmed Osama bin Laden? ~ Funny–the dodo and the passenger pigeon were just debating that very thing!

American Indians object to ‘Geronimo’ as code for bin Laden raid ~ Geronimo is a hero to Native Americans and an inherent part of their culture.  The tribes also objected to the code names ‘Bingo,’ ‘Blackjack’ and ‘Whiskey.’

Come On Now–Jack Daniels Does.

South Korean man found crucified in abandoned stone quarry; police investigating ~ Hopefully the authorities kept an eye on him for a few days–a couple millennia ago, one of these things got a little out of hand.

The University Has No Clothes ~ Sounds like the college we remember.

Harry Reid Injured by Parked Car ~ He has great health care, so why not?

Fake Bin Laden Photos Fool Some Lawmakers ~ America’s legislators, like her public, are remarkably easy to fool.

Turns Out This Is A Fake.

Wearing Only a Smile, Nudists Seek Out the Young and the Naked ~ And how is that different from what sexual predators do?

Man killed in tractor collision has been identified ~ To get yourself killed in a collision involving vehicles which travel slowly in straight lines and rarely meet, you’ve really got to be trying.

“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!”

SHANIA TWAIN NEARLY LOST VOICE OVER DIVORCE ~ Currently she and her ex share joint custody.

Teen high on bath salts allegedly kills neighbor’s goat ~ Bath salts?  Who gets high from bath salts?  Get yourself some nutmeg or Robitussin-DM at your local Albertsons.  While you’re there, grab a couple whippets.

“I Can Hear My Hair Growing!  Can You Hear It? It Goes ‘Skriiiiitch! Skriiiiiiitch! Skriiiiiitch!’ Oh God, I Am So Fucking High Right Now.”

For more fun with Headlines, you’ll want to check out:

*Apologies. ∞T.

Caged Skank: LiLo To Jail?

26 Tuesday Apr 2011

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By Smaktakula

A Still From Lindsay's Solo Mime Performance: 'Fellating A Very Tiny Invisible Man.'

Lawyers for sometime-actress and Flower of American Skankhood Lindsay Lohan plan to file an appeal against a court decision that could send the vapid sexpot to jail for up to 120 days.   The decision comes in response to a parole violation stemming from the actress’ 2007 conviction for drunk driving.

This Magic Talisman Is Considerably More Efficacious When Used By Male Prisoners.

Even if LiLo is forced to serve some or all of her sentence, there is an upside.  Not only have the producers of the upcoming John Gotti biopic graciously allowed the imploding actress to keep her role  in the film as Junior Gotti’s loyal wife, Kim, but jail-time should give LiLo some first-hand experience in prison life, which should give her an edge in future auditions for soft-core Babes Behind Bars exploitation flicks.

Word Is, The Girls On Cellblock D Already Have A Nickname For LiLo: 'The Crimson Clam.'

As Team Lohan appeals Lindsay’s jail time, the actress is preparing to fulfill her 480 hours of community service at a Skid Row woman’s shelter and the LA County Morgue, where she will work as a janitor.  The experience will no doubt be made more enriching for the doomed starlet if she comes to understand that these same two locations are also likely to be the penultimate and terminal stops on her career trajectory.

Making The Most Of Her Time At The LA County Morgue, LiLo Poses With The Corpse Of Charlie Chaplin.

One-Legged Hag Refuses To Let Senility Destroy Her Dreams Of Second-Time Motherhood

19 Tuesday Apr 2011

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By Smaktakula

For Reals: Zsa Zsa Was Hot Long Ago.

Creepy gold-digger Frédèric Prinz von Anhalt announced recently that his wife, superannuated entertainment oddity Zsa Zsa Gabor, would like to have another child at 94.  Anhalt has reportedly spent $100,000 for the procedure.

Gabor, most famous for slapping a police officer, was a forerunner of today’s reality stars, who traded on her image rather than talents or actual accomplishments.  Although her list of film credits is relatively meager, the Hungarian harridan has tenaciously managed to keep herself in the tabloids.

Prince Frederic von Anhalt with his wife Zsa Zsa Gabor, who has suffered major health problems in the last year, including hip replacement surgery and a leg amputation.

"Better Get That Camera Out Of Here. Me And The Missus May Start On That Baby Right Now, If You Know What I Mean."

Those who are dubious about Gabor’s supposed quest for 2nd-time motherhood have derided the couple’s plan as an obscene affront against nature.  The crone has had difficulty walking since a 2002 car accident, and recently had her gangrenous right leg removed.  Anhalt explains that while Gabor’s desiccated body would be used as a host for the pregnancy, the couple would be soliciting the help of a donor, and would not be relying on the ancient actresses’ rotten eggs.

Anhalt, who gained his title after being adopted as an adult by the last surviving relative of Kaiser Wilhelm II, briefly considered a run for Governor of California before withdrawing to care for Gabor.  Anhalt has on more than one occasion returned the favor by adopting an adult male.  Now, however, the wily Kraut plans to employ perverted science to create biological children, proudly announcing that he’d already donated sperm to the cause.

The Personal Style Of A Prince: Start With A Dollop Of Prussian Officer And Liberal Amounts Of Sgt. Pepper, With Just A Dash Of Captain EO.

Hudgens Sets New Standard In Leaked Nudie Pix

11 Monday Apr 2011

Posted by in Celebrity, Cinema, Culture, News

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By Smaktakula

We Only Bring This Up Because There Seems To Be Kind Of A Pattern Going On Here, But You Know They DO Make Cell Phones Without Cameras In Them.

Quickly following the theatrical release of her crossover bid Sucker Punch, racy photos of tween idol Vanessa Hudgens were released on the internet.  This makes an astounding third time the unlucky actress has seen her intimate photos leaked.  In an amazing coincidence, all three leaks have occurred while films featuring Hudgens were playing in theaters.  Despite being the victim, societal double-standards and Hudgens’ own status as a role model, should be enough to bring the blame for this incident squarely on the young starlet’s shoulders.

If You Rent 'High School Musical' Expecting To See Anything Like This, You're Going To Be Disappointed. A Lot.

Although they are few in number, Hudgens has her defenders, who point to her recent breakup with actor Zac Efron.  Supporters contend that the sudden absence from Hudgens’ life of such a juggernaut of testosterone-drenched heterosexual dynamism has affected both her judgement and libido.

Sometimes We Fear Zac Will Never Find The Right Girl.

Of course, the loudest voices will ring with scorn and derision.  Moralists will find much to condemn in these images, as will those who think the human body is a source of shame and sin.  But with the scandalous proliferation of internet nudie pix by such low-rent hags as Amber Portwood, isn’t it a bit of a nice change every now and then to see an attractive person naked?

Look--Your Best Shot Is To Go For 'Pretty On The Inside'--And We Have To Tell You, This Is Not Helping.

Help Find Corey’s Jacket!

25 Friday Mar 2011

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By Smaktakula

Corey, We Want To Believe You When You Tell Us You're Maintaining Your Sobriety. But Then You Go And Dress Like That.

Times have been tough for Corey Feldman.  In 2009, Susie Sprague, the actor’s second wife, filed for divorce, seeking custody of their son, the ridiculously-named Zen Feldman.  Last year he was rocked by the death of his long-time pal and bosom mate, Corey Haim.  The Fel-Dog took another cruel blow recently when his beloved studded leather jacket was stolen from the House of Blues.

This is not just any jacket.  In addition to any magical properties it might have garnered through long-term contact with Fel-Dogian excretions, it has great sentimental value to the actor, and can be seen in the poster of the smash-hit Dream A Little Dream.

The 'Citizen Kane' Of Its Day.

Fel-Dog, an accomplished musician himself, was at the venue to support his butt-rocking pals, Steel Panther.  According to witnesses, a huge crowd rushed backstage, and when it dispersed, the jacket was gone as well.  Fel-Dog is said to have lost his shit.

'Steel Panther' Is A Great Name For A Malt Liquor, But Kinda Shitty For A Band. May We Suggest 'Androgyny Armada' or 'Eströgyn?' Better Yet: What About 'Amusing Anachronism?'

Anyone with information concerning the whereabouts of this priceless bit of Hollywood history is urged to contact the authorities immediately.  Seriously, you guys–Corey doesn’t have a whole lot left.

A Classic 1992 Corey Feldman performance:

 

BONUS: In a super team-up for the ages, Fel-Dog happened to be at the police station to report the theft of his magical jacket just as thuggish nobody Michael “MiLo” Lohan was being released following his domestic abuse arrest.

0332_corey_milo_cop_EX_WM

The Difference Between The Fel-Dog And MiLo? Look, Corey Tries, Okay? Let's Give Him That.

Won't You Please Help?

Haimster And Coleman’s Academy Awards Snub

28 Monday Feb 2011

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By Smaktakula

You Probably Know What He's Going To Say.

Hollywood was cruel to young actors Gary Coleman and Corey Haim, using and discarding them like snotty tissue.  That both men died long before their time is a testament to this contemptuous neglect.  But where many marginally talented performers, such as Chris Farley, River Phoenix or Selena were elevated in stature upon their deaths, no such honor has been accorded Coleman and Haim. Hollywood managed a posthumous ‘Fuck You!’ to the pair in last night’s Academy Awards telecast when neither was mentioned in the Oscars’ tedious tribute montage.

You Did This, Hollywood. You Did This.

Make-Believe Vigilante To Rejuvenate Motor City

23 Wednesday Feb 2011

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By Smaktakula

Outlying Areas Such As Grosse Pointe Or Farmington Hills (Seen Here) Are Among The Last Remaining Enclaves For Detroit's Affluent.

Imagine a wasted and broken city, a great grey expanse of steel and concrete canyons, silent save for the echoing lamentation of pigeons and the constant scurrying rustle of the vermin who remain always just out of sight, and who are the true inheritors of this necropolis.  Picture streets festooned with rubbish and unnamable filth, faded newspapers dancing in the breeze as they skitter along crumbling sidewalks past abandoned industries whose soaped or broken windows stare out like blind eyes, but which once could see, and beheld a city on the come, a bright, raucous, thrumming and most of all–vital–metropolis, one which proved no more  substantial than the mirage of Cibola.

Chances are, the image in your head is a fairly accurate depiction of Detroit, Michigan in 2011.  Detroit, which once could truly be called Automobile City and boast of the world-famous Motown Sound, is now known primarily as the city which has made the most Olympic bids without ever being allowed to host the Games. The blighted, abandoned ruin has fallen so far as to make rust-belt crapholes like Gary, Indiana or Youngstown, Ohio seem prosperous by comparison.

Nothing Else Has Worked. What The Fuck, Right?

But a group of philanthropists believes it has a cure for the city’s myriad woes: RoboCop, the titular character in the 1987 film.  Although the technology to unleash a cyborg death machine upon the streets of the Motor City is still at least five years away, it’s hoped that a likeness of RoboCop might be similarly efficacious in revitalizing beleaguered Detroit.  A downtown statue of the fictional icon, fans argue, would be a steal at $50,000.

Things are looking good for fans of the project.  Just three days after beginning their funding drive, the statue’s backers say they’ve received the $50,000 necessary for the project.  Supporters hope that the statue of the gun-wielding mockery of human life will act as a magic totem of sorts, driving away Detroit’s  bad Ju Ju in much the same way as RoboCop did the career of Peter Weller, the actor who portrayed the fascist automaton.

"I Could Not Agree More With This Choice. Sometimes Extralegal Measures Are Needed To Keep Society Safe From The Bad Sort. You Know Who I'm Talking About."