Category Archives: Culture

Headlines 04.03.12

03 Tuesday Apr 2012

Posted by in Culture, News, Stupidity

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By Smaktakula

Is THAT What He’s Doing? Guess We’ll Stop Waving Back.

In which we get all the information we need from the headlines of the day:

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Anti-Putin protesters form a 10-mile human chain around Moscow  ~ Anti-Putin protesters made into bizarre human chain in dungeons beneath Moscow.

Poor reading could be fatal ~ Oh, come off it. We’re as pro-literacy as the next satirical internet blog, but that’s just ridiculous. With the possible–and hilarious–exception of “Warning Sign Disasters,” this simply isn’t true.

Why Thursday’s sunset will be special for Seattle ~ No more sun ’till 2013.

Marine makes last stand in foreclosed home ~ We have to say it: a marine making a last stand in his foreclosed home smacks of weird craziness. Pity–if he’d only been making a last stand on some Godforsaken piece of earth that nobody could possibly want–then it would be noble.

Iwo Jima, The Translation Of Which Means “Sulfur Island,” Is Currently Uninhabited.

Rick Santorum winning more support from Republican women ~ There’s proof of gender equality for you, folks. Women are every bit as stupid as men.

IS BRAZIL DESTROYING THE AMAZON FOR ENERGY? ~ Well, that would be a good reason, anyway,–better than ‘Just ’cause they felt like it.”

Whatever Happened to First Class? ~ It’s still there–just not for you, peasant.

What You Lose When You Sign That Donor Card ~ YOUR PRECIOUS ORGANS!

Jennifer Love Hewitt loves her boobs ~ In this, we are united in our affection.

What We Like Best About Them Is Their Pleasing Shape And Size.

Prostitutes found in Mexico jail ~ Imagine that.  If you wanted to surprise us, you’d have said ‘soap.’

What’s Wrong With Being Single? ~ Only a loveless grotesquery would pose such a question.

Dad: Drug classes should be mandatory ~ We agree. The younger generation simply does not know how to do drugs properly.

Another child left at Chuck E. Cheese’s ~ You say it like it’s a bad thing, like dad abandoned his kid in the deep, dark, wolf-ridden woods. But at Chuck E. Cheese’s, the kid’s got a fighting chance. He can live in the moist darkness beneath the ball-pits like some pizza-house Gollum until he latches on with a new family.

Violence claims 4th soccer fan ~ We’re pretty sure they’re underreporting the death-toll from this heinous ‘sport.’

Wait! It Just Got Interesting.

Peter, Paul & Mary bassist dies ~ If you’re not Peter, Paul or Mary, in death you shall be remembered only for the instrument you played.

Is 14 too young for life in prison? ~ Fuck yes it is. What kind of idiot even has to ask?

The pain of being disinherited ~ You don’t get any money when Mom & Dad die!

How to handle an elderly loved one that won’t bathe ~ It involves the Jaws of Life and a high-pressure hose.

Few Things Are As Taxing As Caring For A Dirty Old Man.

Most food illness imported ~ Sad. Truly sad. We never thought there’d be a day America would have to import botulism.

Guess what almost killed ‘the Tiger Man of Africa’ ~ Was it a lion? A hippo, then! Damn, these things are hard.

Study: 33 is the best age ~ Not if you’re Jesus of Nazareth. No, 32 was a much better year.

Executed killer shouts ‘Go Cowboys!’ ~ And all the witnesses shouted “THE DEAD LIVE!” Or did you mean “Soon-To-Be-Executed?” That’s probably what you meant.

Does car tell your politics? ~ No, the feeble-minded bumper sticker on the back does that.

“No, It’s Great. By Adopting An Inflexible Attitude In Lieu Of Knowing The Issues, I Save Time By Not Having To Think About The Tough Stuff.”

More Current Events Irresponsibility:

Helpful Hints For Everyday Life: Free Stuff

20 Tuesday Mar 2012

Posted by in Culture, Stupidity

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By Smaktakula

We Certainly Wouldn't Pay Good Money For A Diminutive, Messianic Madman, But We'd Be Fools To Pass Up This Deal.

Folks love to tell you that “the best things in life are free.” There has never been a time when these words were true, and never less so than today. Those who chose to repeat this old canard willfully ignore that even essential items cost money, and that about the only things which still remain free are your first month of service, unsolicited advice and herpes.

This Ad May Be In Error. Last We Heard, China Was Never Going To Give Up Tibet.

Is There ANYBODY Who Thinks This Is A Good Deal?

It Had Better Be Free. We've Never Paid For Pussy In Our Lives.

Stupid People Too: Even More Stupider

19 Monday Mar 2012

Posted by in Crime, Culture, Entertainment, News, Stupidity

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By Smaktakula

We Get It--Thinkin' Makes Your Head Hurt Somethin' Turrible.

It’s no secret that the delightful antics of the very stupid are one of the reasons we get up in the morning. Morons make the world go ’round, and at the very least give us something entertaining to watch until the terrible day when the great lizards burst forth from Mt. Rainier to seal the Earth’s doom.

In the meantime, we hope you’ll enjoy this troika of merry tales exploring the many facets of sub-moronic douchebaggery!

Night of the Hell Cow

This Is What Passes For Fun In Ohio.

Cincinnati, Ohio is a city which has suffered mightily over the years. Situated on the north bank of the Ohio River, the city was once a thriving industrial powerhouse, but today the Queen City is an echoing, haunted shadow of its former self, with the population having fallen nearly in half since 1960. Despite the legions of Cincinnatians fleeing the city like fleas from a rat’s cooling carcass, Cincy still manages to remain among the top 20 most dangerous cities in America. Remembered primarily for a really awful concert and for being the first US city to host race-riots in the 21st Century, and whose most famous citizen is the fictional newshound Les Nessman, Cincinnati’s remaining shell-shocked citizens have become accustomed to a host of degradations.

Inventive Cincinnatian Michelle Allen tried to do something a little different. Like so many of her fellow denizens of the Queen City, Allen aspired to further rend the delicate skein of civilization which binds the troubled city, and not only that, but to do it with panache.  Any liquored-up idiot, she reasoned, could twice encounter the police after urinating on a neighbor’s porch and then chasing frightened children into traffic. Determined not to be just ‘anybody,’ Allen performed this terrifying Margot Kidder impersonation while dressed as a hideous cow-woman.

Really, This Has Just As Much Merit As Almost Any Other Form Of Performance Art.

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Rubbing Kids the Wrong Way

Who Wouldn't Want This Friendly Fellow All Up In His Or Her Personal Space?

The line between sports fandom and dangerous lunacy has always been precariously thin, nevermore so than in today’s fractured, tribal climate. Sherwin Shayegan, known to the public as the ‘Piggyback Bandit’, not only crosses that line, but stomps its face against the curb until it’s a bleeding, mewling mess begging for the numbing embrace of sweet, sweet death.

Despite the cute nickname, Shayegan is a creepo of the first order. Shayegan recently gained notoriety after he was banned from a number of high schools for a string of athletic-related indecencies. The Piggyback Bandit, it turns out, isn’t just an athletic supporter, but also a fan of both frottage and of the firm, sweaty backsides of high school athletes. During athletic events, Shayegan surprises both the audience and the athletes alike with a little something extra to take home with them, dashing from the crowd and leaping upon the players’ backs with all the joy and fervor of a leg-humping dog.

"itsalmostoveritsalmostoveritsalmostoveritsalmostover"

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Deranged Dachshund’s Drug-Addled Death a Definite Downer

"Y'know,I've Found That If I Ingest Copious Quantities Of Psychedelics, Bands Like Phish And Dave Matthews Don't Sound So Much Like Ass Set To A Tune."

It’s not just humans who enjoy experimenting with dangerous, mind-altering substances. Everybody knows what happens when you give your cat catnip, and holding a dog down while you blow marijuana smoke in its face is a time-honored rite of young adulthood. In college, Smaktakula’s beloved pet rat was a bold psychonaut and an ongoing experiment in the thresholds of the chemical experience.¹ Critters like to party, too.

But just like people, some animals can’t handle their drugs. Just one of these such creatures was Oscar the long-haired dachshund. Oscar had apparently been pestering Nicholas Modrich and Jamie Hughes, the fry-loving burnouts with whom he shared an apartment, to share some of their hoard of hallucinogens, until the couple finally relented, dosing the pestering pooch. As an irritating little freakdog, it would be assumed that the tiny creature would be prepared for an eight-hour mind fuck and Technicolor light show.² Sadly, this appears not to be the case, and little Oscar completely lost his shit. Although the evening was highlighted by a madcap, semi-nude chase through the hallucinatory streets of Snellville, Georgia, the evening ended in tragedy when the frenzied dog encountered a moving vehicle that was most definitely not an hallucination.

Drugs Aren't As Much Of A Threat To Society As Are Some Of The Assholes Who Take Them.

¹ I miss you still, Short Bus. Old friend–this cold, wicked world was never made for one so beautiful as you. < S.
² This becomes all the more remarkable when it is remembered that dogs cannot see color. ∞ T.

St. Paddy’s Day!

17 Saturday Mar 2012

Posted by in Culture

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Promethean Times wishes you and your family a sober and dignified St. Patrick’s Day observance.

For One Day At Least, We Understand A Little Better What It Truly Means To Be Irish.

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As my mother wept it was then I swore
to take my life as I would a whore
I know I’m better than before
I will not be reconstructed
Just wanna stay right here
on the sunny side of the street.
The Pogues

***

Whatever Happened To The Beaver Shot?

16 Friday Mar 2012

Posted by in Culture, Stupidity

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By Smaktakula

Nature Is Part Of Our Shared Heritage. Everyone Should Get A Chance To Check It Out At His Leisure.

Technology advances with dizzying rapidity, pulling a reluctant society along with it. Only a generation ago many of the daily conveniences we take for granted, such as email, cell phones and running water were nothing more than high-tech fantasies. This ever-accelerating advancement ensures that wherever the future leaves us, it will be  a strange and frightening place, too difficult to accurately predict from our unfavorable historical vantage.

But for the many advantages this new technology brings us, there come also attendant consequences. Among these is the deterioration of the traditional community structure–as the world around us grows smaller, the bonds which link us to our local communities begin to fray. Nor is there any doubt that the wealth of easy information available at a keyboard stroke has whetted society’s appetite for instant gratification, while at the same time atrophying those skills upon which real scholarship is based.

Um...It's Just That When You Asked If We Wanted To See Chris' Melons We Thought...But, You're Right, They Are Really Nice.

But perhaps the greatest loss in how we communicate with one another. Since ancient times, young people have signaled their affection for one another by exchanging  nude images. In prehistoric times these crude pornographic depictions likely took the form of cave drawings, just as in ancient Egypt human pudenda were immortalized in rare inks on the walls of excavated tombs. Oil paints were favored for beaver shots from the Renaissance until the early Twentieth Century, when boudoir photographs became the norm.

Particularly phallic lighthouse in Mamallaparum

They'll Tell You That Today, Nothing Is Left To The Imagination. That Simply Isn't True.

But changing mores have conspired to kill once and for all this treasured ancient custom. Whereas once entire families gathered  to celebrate this DIY-porn, passing little Suzie’s naked image hand to hand (and arriving twice at Uncle Joe), as the beaming girl reveled in their wholesome attentions, this harmless tradition is being increasingly seen in a negative light. Dwelling on the prurient, critics contend that not only does this trend tend to sexualize children,  but the resultant humiliation from the unintentional promulgation of the private images can have serious and long-lasting effects upon a young person’s self-esteem.

Sadly, this view seems to be gaining ground, despite the nudie-shot’s well-established cultural history. There are no doubt a great many individuals who welcome the loss of home-made spank pix. Even without Jurgen’s Lotion or a similar unguent, this is a slippery slope. Will these same critics be quite so sanguine when other liberties begin to disappear as well? Imagine if you will a world where it is no longer safe to disseminate personal information like your social security number and credit card information or where children are afraid to accept bus tickets sent to them over the internet by dangerous strangers. Doubtless, that’s a world where none of us want to live, and yet, with every beaver shot left uncaptured, we are one step closer to that reality.

Do You See It? It's EVERYWHERE, Man!

Hey–remember how when we broke up I said I deleted those pictures? No, that’s it. You remember that I said that though, right? ∞ T.

Bewaring The Ides Of March (Among Other Things)

15 Thursday Mar 2012

Posted by in Culture, History, Music, News

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By Tardsie

"Don't Give Me That 'Et Tu' Shit--You've Had All Week To Fill Out Your Bracket."

The Ides of March

On which we celebrate America’s perverse and persistent predilection for unproductive pastimes, and the gazillions of work hours lost to the inanity (you’ll note we didn’t say insanity)  of March Madness.

St. Ides Won't Keep You Safe From Danger, But Can Make It So That You Just Don't Care.

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New Mexico

The plethora of information available through the internet never ceases to amaze us. Using Google Maps to view the floor plan of a house owned by the parents of a young lady whom he’s stalking, Smaktakula recently made a fascinating discovery. Apparently, there’s now a NEW Mexico. We couldn’t be more pleased, as the idea was long overdue–let’s just hope that they take better care of it this time.

It Kinda Looks Like The Old Mexico To Us.

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Our Madness Explained (Kinda) or Why We Are So Devolved

The effervescent, complex bouquet that is Promethean Times can’t be explained by anything so simple as a music video. But if it could, this would be the video:

So maybe that explains a lot, or perhaps you’re still in the dark.

When we wrote this piece, we thought we’d coined ‘bewaring’ as a corrupted verb form of ‘beware.’ Nope. Turns out it’s the real thing. ∞ T.

Preservin’ That Hillbilly Heritage

14 Wednesday Mar 2012

Posted by in Culture, Stupidity

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By Smaktakula

Nobody Said Being A Parent Would Be Easy. In Fairness, Though--It Was Clearly Implied. We're Not Blaming Anyone, We're Just Saying That In A Very Real Way It's Your Fault.

We totally get it. You’re damn proud of your white trash pedigree, and want to pass that culture on to the young’uns. Originally confined to the South and most parts of Indiana, the White Trash Diaspora (WTD) has spread throughout the 48 contiguous non-freak states and Canada. And with white trash mommas birthing larger litters every year, redneck cultural historians say it is more important than ever that this vital slice of American whitebread be “preserved for posterior.”

Maybe you think that as a parent, you’ve done everything you can to teach little Cody or Ashley about this proud legacy: exposing them to endless hours of TV, heavy on Two and a Half Men, America’s Funniest Home Videos, rasslin’ and fine reality programming; dressing them appropriately in No Fear and TapouT t-shirts, and taming their fauxhawks and mullets with bulk-bought gel; enjoying regular family dinners at Arby’s, The Hometown Trough, or for really special occasions, Dave & Busters. But ask yourself: in the face of cultural dilution, is this enough?

You've Been Preparing For Your Financial Future--But What About Your Child's Future?

On the surface it may appear so. Sure, your toddler is a toothless, intolerant do-nothing who speaks incomprehensible English and lives off the charity of others–but can you guarantee he’ll stay that way?

Look–there are no guarantees in life. Despite an upbringing of rural squalor in a meth-rich environment lacking even the most basic amenities, there will always be those horror stories about kids who grow up with wild-eyed dreams of a better life. So while there’s no way to completely ensure that your boy will play football and not soccer, you can nevertheless stack the cards in your favor by starting when he’s young. May we suggest as a first step these ultra-boss denim diapers? Not only will they keep baby shit out of the carpet for a few hours, but Junior will look hella tough.

'Cause, Hey--Sometimes You Shit Your Levi's, Too.

Thoughts On The Nature Of Funny

13 Tuesday Mar 2012

Posted by in Culture

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By Smaktakula

Some Folks Are Just Natural Comedians.

Humor is a strange and wondrous thing. Wondrous, of course, because of the warm, community-building emotions generated by humor, it is at the same time strange, as humor is one of those enigmatic and elusive qualities so hard to compare and quantify. Why, for example, do the French find Jerry Lewis uproariously funny when to the rest of the world his tired schtick is the humorous equivalent of nails on a chalkboard? Likewise, non-Spanish speakers watching Telemundo might be forgiven for failing to be delighted by a fifty-five year old man in a propeller cap, sucking on a lollipop and pretending to be a six-year old boy.

Photo Courtesy Of El Registraro De Perverto Sexual.

But despite humor’s slippery nature, there is sometimes broad agreement as to what does or does not tickle the funny bone. For example, most people regard blonde jokes as moderately amusing, while the Holocaust is nearly universally judged to be unfunny. Bill Cosby? Funny. Leprosy? Not funny at all.

Only Kinda Funny.

Of course, some people are naturally funnier than others. You’ve seen these animated men and women holding court at parties or in the break room at work, effortlessly navigating the rocky shoals of the conversation with witty bon mots and amusing anecdotes. The responsive laughter is unforced and organic.

Just What Is It That Prompts A Grown Man To Choose A Career For Which The Term 'Buffoon' Is A Synonym?

Likewise, you’ve no doubt encountered the funny person’s far more common polar opposite–the odiously unfunny person. This strident, braying jackass is a comedy-killer who can usually be counted on to stun a lively crowd into a benumbed and uncomfortable silence with his mistimed jokes, painfully unfunny observations and stiff, rehearsed cruelty.

Sorry, But This Won't Be A Humorous Caption. Jerry Lewis Sucks The Funny From Everything He Touches.

Because the bulk of the population falls somewhere in the wide ‘moderately funny/moderately unfunny’ middle between these extremes, most people don’t realize that these two creatures–the wickedly funny and the desperately unfunny–are more alike than at first they seem. In fact, despite the completely disparate results of being funny and unfunny, the two share a common raison d’être. The trick to being really funny is surprisingly  also the very thing which motivates the human buzzkill: the secret to both is to think you’re really funny.

Really, Is There A Better Way To Tell The World You've Had Three Or Fewer Sexual Relationships?

“Was that supposed to be funny?” You can probably answer that one for yourselves. ∞ T.

Ireland The PT Way!

12 Monday Mar 2012

Posted by in Culture, History, Politics

≈ 33 Comments

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By The Promethean Times Editorial Staff

Ireland: A Nice Place To Visit, Even If You're Mostly Sober.

Before we get started, we should confess something: despite the cruel, ignorant and generally irresponsible things we say about people, places and things, it may surprise our readers to know that we hold in great affection many of those very subjects we skewer so mercilessly.¹ Chief among these beloved foils are the Irish. Although we will continue to mock these hapless, potato-munching inebriates until our dying day, the fact that Tardsie and Smaktakula have between them made a combined five trips to the Emerald Isle should to a large degree demonstrate Promethean Times‘ love for the Micks.

Edna Kenny (Seen Here At Breakfast) Was Recently Appointed Taoiseach (Prime Minister) For The Republic Of Ireland.

The Irish are a warm, gregarious people, who, despite the startling number of fistfights in which they regularly engage, are rightly known for their genial natures. Although theirs is a bittersweet history, full of famines, oppression and drunkenness, it’s difficult not to admire a people so foul-mouthed that old ladies use the Lord’s name more often in casual conversation than does Pat Robertson,  and whose priests are known to remark “If it’s yer head you’ll be wantin’ kicked in, ya wee shite, then go ahead and touch me fookin’ pint a second time.”

Straight Up: You Won't Be Getting His Lucky Charms Without One Hell Of A Fight.

The Irish are further unique in that, for whatever reason, they genuinely seem to be fond of Americans. Promethean Times wishes to encourage this special relationship by fostering an even greater understanding between Irish people and their more sober American cousins. With this in mind, we offer these American-specific travel tips for visiting Éire.

Don't Let It Worry You--Irishmen Are Sweethearts. In Another Five Minutes You'll Be Lifelong Pals. Just The Same, You Shouldn't Count On Him Never Again Punching You In The Face.

  • The Irish are proud of their culture. Show them you’re proud of it, too. If you even have one Irish ancestor, no matter how far removed, share this news with your new Mick friends by declaring, “I’m Irish, too!” They love that.
  • Break the ice by tackling a short person and demanding he lead you to his pot of gold, or at the very least, kick you down a bowl of sugary cereal for your trouble.

Look, It's Nothing Personal, Mr. O'Shaughnessy, It's Just That We Don't Think You're Temperance Society Material.

  • Black Irish doesn’t mean “black people.” Having said that, there are Irishmen of African descent. Smaktakula had the opportunity to meet them, and they were both really cool.
  • Although the Irish people insist on seeing their culture as wholly distinct and separate from that of the Scots, they don’t mind at all that you don’t. Go ahead and let them how much you enjoyed Braveheart.
  • The Irish love a laugh. It’s perfectly acceptable to point out that the word “Gaelic” sounds a lot like “Gay-Lick.”
  • The Irish will be delighted if you accost them on the street for the sole purpose of hearing them say, “They’re magically delicious.”  Famously patient, they’ll happily oblige you a second time when you demand, “No–do it right!”

When Irish Eyes Are Smiling...

Special tips for travelling in Northern Ireland:

  • Your choice of drink can say a lot, so choose one respectful of Irish culture. Although Irish car bombs are, along with straight whiskey, famously the national refreshment, when in Northern Ireland, the savvy drinker orders a Black & Tan.
  • Irish people can sometimes be melancholy, particularly in the north. If anyone mentions ‘the Troubles,’ tell ’em, “You think you’ve got troubles? I’m consumed by credit card debt and my lousy job is killing me! At least you get to sit around all day and drink!”

The Quaint Northern Town Of Portrush, Or As Tardsie Calls It, "POTrush." But That's A Story For Another Day.

  • In Northern Ireland, knowing your colors can be the difference between life and death: When you’re in Catholic areas, be sure to sport your Unionist orange, but just as quickly switch to green when you’re hanging with the proddies.
  • If you’re looking to place your money offshore by investing in foreign financial products, you could do a lot worse than to look into an Irish IRA. Irish professionals spend most of their office hours in local pubs, and financial advisors are no different. Try asking around at different pubs in Belfast or Derry for some information about the IRA (remember to pronounce it by the initials when you’re in N. Ireland, and not like a wimpy man’s name, as in America). It’s the damnedest thing–everyone you speak to will deny knowing anything about it, but if you ask around long enough, the right people WILL find you.

Folks, Whether You Realize It Or Not, The World Is Just One More Potato Famine Away From Being Up To Its Eyeballs In The Irish.

¹We weren’t talking to you, Frenchie, so sit your ass down. Nobody here called for a snail-eating surrender-monkey. < S.

It’s Okay Kansas, You Just Don’t Know No Better

11 Sunday Mar 2012

Posted by in Culture, News, Politics, Stupidity

≈ 17 Comments

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By Smaktakula

Rick Santorum has been declared the winner of the Kansas caucuses!

Before You Judge The Kansans Too Harshly, Put Yourselves In Their Shoes. If You Were Forced To Live Out Your Days In An Anachronistic, Wheat-Choked Countertop Of A State With A Holstein Named Beulah As Your Sole Companion, You'd Likely Make Some Nutty Decisions Now And Then.

Did you know that Langston Hughes, Dennis Hopper, Gwendolyn Brooks, Amelia Earhart and Dwight Eisenhower all hailed from Kansas? Not a one of them thought enough of the place to die there.¹

Even Kansas' Most Famous City Isn't Actually IN Kansas.²

¹The Santorum vote starts to make more sense when you realize that Fred Phelps and his odious Westboro Baptist Church hail from Kansas. ∞ T.
²Okay, there is technically a Kansas City, Kansas–but you won’t ever be required to know that. ∞ T.