Category Archives: Music

Charlie Sheen Downgraded From ‘Douchebag’ Status In Light Of Illness

04 Monday Apr 2011

Posted by in Celebrity, Culture, Music, Stupidity

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

By Smaktakula

Seriously, Charlie Isn't Even Trying To Make It Difficult For Us Anymore.

After lengthy consultations with prominent physicians, lawyers and spiritual advisors, Promethean Times has agreed to conditionally rescind Charlie Sheen’s douchebag status.  The doomed former television personality’s obvious mental illness likely indicates a complete lack of control over his own life and career, both of which are in freefall.

Possibly the only individual in the Western World not fully cognizant of the pathetic nature of the actor’s plight is the Warlock himself.  The toothless cretin received a warm reaction from a Chicago audience during staging of his spectacle, My Violent Torpedo of Truth/Death is Not an Option, despite being nearly booed off the stage at the debut in Detroit.

Also Called 'The Warlock,' But He Had The Name First. If You Don't Believe Him, As His Mom. She Worked On The Costume.

Along with thousands and perhaps millions of other publications, Promethean Times has repeatedly mocked Sheen in the past.  We’re going to try really hard not to do so in the future.

Seemingly overnight, picking on Charlie Sheen has become like heckling an athlete at the Special Olympics.  Sure, it seems like a good idea, and it’s pretty easy to do–but it leaves you spiritually untethered and consumed with bitter self-loathing.

"Dude, You Were Warned To Stop Saying That Shit. Now Freddy's Gonna Have To Make You Bleed."

King Hammer

23 Wednesday Feb 2011

Posted by in Celebrity, Culture, Music, News, Stupidity

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

By Smaktakula

Please, Hammer. Don't Hurt Yourself.

Hip-Hop star of yesteryear MC Hammer is back with a vengeance–literally.  The former Oakland A’s bat boy, who now prefers to be called ‘King Hammer,’ has a beef with rap megastar Jay-Z. Recently, appearing on Kanye West’s “So Appalled,” Jay-Z rapped:

“And Hammer went broke so you know I’m more focused

I lost 30 mil so I spent another 30

‘Cause unlike Hammer 30 million can’t hurt me.”

For his part, Jay-Z claimed he didn’t know that Hammer’s public riches-to-rags story was not part of the public dialogue, and seemed honestly surprised and perhaps a little amused by the kerfuffle.  Hip-Hop purists note, even if the diss was unintentional as Jay-Z claims, it still bespeaks a schism between modern Hip-Hop artists and their one-hit wonder forebears.

"What's That?" It's Difficult For Jay-Z To Hear Hammer Over The Sound Of His Millions And Millions Of Dollars.

Unmollified, King Hammer responded with the blistering diss-track, “Better Run Run.”  Drawing upon his faith as an ordained minister, Hammer dons a knit cap and Ed Hardy douche-apparel to narrate as a hoodie-wearing Lucifer chases down Jay-Z.  Ultimately, only God’s love–manifested through His servant on Earth, the Right Reverend Hammer–can save the multi-platinum rapper from the infernal clutches of Old Scratch.  Hammer does just that, then baptizes Jay-Z, whom he calls “Hellboy,” for good measure.

Better Run Run

Jay-Z has chosen not to escalate the feud, pointing out that he has many kind things to say about King Hammer in his upcoming book.  This is no small act of kindness.  Despite his royal bravado, Hammer is a broken man, with nothing at all left to call his own except for those ridiculous puffy pants.

"Sorry, King, The Check Bounced--I'll Be Needing Those Back, Too."

Yapple Dapple! ∞T.

World Mourns Teena Marie

29 Wednesday Dec 2010

Posted by in Celebrity, Music, News, Stupidity

≈ 3 Comments

Tags

, , , , , , , , ,

By Smaktakula

Teena Marie died on Sunday of as-yet unknown causes.  She will be missed by fans worldwide, not least by us.

To Our Thinking, The Male Castaways Squandered A Once-In-A-Lifetime Opportunity.

Revealed: The Real Reason Sesame Street Pulled The Katy Perry Apperance

24 Friday Sep 2010

Posted by in Celebrity, Music, Stupidity

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

By Smaktakula

The children’s television show Sesame Street has been a hot topic since the show’s producers decided to pull a controversial segment featuring singer Katy Perry. Children’s Television Workshop defended the action, noting that its executive board had reconsidered the segment after receiving a volume of negative feedback.  Parents and youth advocacy groups are said to regard Perry’s plunging neckline as too racy for the children’s show.

The major media outlets all dutifully ran the story, relaying the information the show’s producers had fed them.  However, according to an insider who spoke to Promethean Times on the condition of anonymity, the story about Perry’s revealing outfit was “just so much fluff.”  The source claims that the segment was axed to protect the show’s wholesome reputation after news of an affair between Perry and a Sesame Street cast member became public.

Said the insider:

“Everybody knew what was going on. Ah-ah-ah.  We could hear her moaning in her dressing room all the way from the main stage.  Ah-ah-ah.  It was disgusting.  She moaned one time.  Ah-ah-ah.  She moaned two times.  Ah-ah-ah.  She moaned three times.  Ah-ah-ah.

Do you want me to keep going?  Because it goes on for a while, and if you have not heard, I love to count. Ah-ah-ah.”

"So Then Elmo Sees Katy For The First Time, And Elmo Says, 'Damn, Bitch! Elmo Hasn't Seen Your Fine Ass Around Here Before.' She Was All Like, 'Whatever,' But Elmo Was Like, 'Ho, Let Elmo Lay Some Truth On You: Elmo Is Gonna Tap That Ass Within The Hour. Straight Up.'"

‘Cause It’s Elmo’s World, Beyotch!

Wishes Of Nostalgia Band And Listening Public Go Unheeded By God For Close To Half A Century

21 Tuesday Sep 2010

Posted by in Celebrity, Culture, Music

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

, , , , , , , , , , , , ,

By Smaktakula

In November of 1965, British rock band The Who cemented their place in music history with their classic hit, My Generation.  However, a great many people wholeheartedly share Pete Townsend’s desire (as expressed by Roger Daltrey) to do the decent thing and quietly expire before old age could catch up with him.

And yet, forty-five years later, Daltrey and Townsend still live.

Daltrey: Credits His Grandson Cody For Suggesting He Shorten The Famous Lyric To "Hope I Die."

Did You Know? This Rumpled Pedophile Was Once A Promising Musician. In Those Days He Didn't Carry Around Jars Of His Own Urine.

Well, since you brought it up–We were hoping for the same thing.  What happened with that, fellas?

NKOTB Not Only Still Alive, But Cruising

13 Monday Sep 2010

Posted by in Celebrity, Music

≈ 4 Comments

Tags

, , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

By Smaktakula

Two decades ago America’s arenas were jammed with pubescent girls screaming for the manufactured teenybop that only New Kids on the Block could offer.  The screaming has long since died away, and many of those young fans now have children of their own.  And perhaps when her own daughter rhapsodically details the myriad virtues of the hairless hit factory Justin Bieber, now and then one of those former fans will spare a moment to think of those long-ago idols, wondering whatever became of those five boys from Boston.       

NKOTB Has Retooled Its Sound For Generation MILF.

After recasting themselves as NKOTB in 1993, the boys attempted a comeback.  NKOTB’s song Keep on Smilin’ appeared on the soundtrack to the killer whale opus, Free Willy, which the boys hoped would revive their flagging fan base.  Sadly, much like the film’s titular orca, it appeared the New Kids’ career was destined for the business end of a Japanese harpoon, ultimately to be devoured alongside some salaryman’s ramen.*                 

But like the legendary phoenix, which seemingly perished only to rise again from its own ashes, it’s hard to keep a possibly lucrative nostalgia act down  That’s right–please don’t go, girl–because NKOTB is back and better than ever!
  • Joey!
  • Donnie! 
  • The Other Three! 

Hangin' Tough On The High Seas: Not Only Will The Boys From Boston Perform, They'll Also Clean Your Cabin And Press Your Pants.

For those fans seeking the ultimate NKOTB experience, we recommend joining the lads on an intimate four-day Caribbean Cruise.  This opportunity is a godsend for those women on the verge of middle age who always wanted to score with a New Kid, but thought the opportunity forever beyond their reach.  Remember ladies, with their multi-platinum heyday two decades gone, they’re not nearly as picky these days. 

#14? Mr. McIntyre Will See You Now.

 * Since we have no plans to see ever Free Willy or even to read a plot synopsis, we have depicted the film as ending the way we would want it to.

Raves Are Best Enjoyed Without Drugs Or Love

03 Friday Sep 2010

Posted by in Culture, Culture, Music, News

≈ 6 Comments

Tags

, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

By Smaktakula

It’s hard to believe that the world has changed so much in just a year.  For at least a generation, raves represented one of the last bastions of good, clean, American fun.  But now things are changing: the unwelcome shadow of drugs is increasingly encroaching upon the outer edges of the scene.

These Drug-Free Kids Prove The Old Raver Adage: You Can Be Dippy Without Being Trippy.

When Promethean Times first reported on this phenomenon, we dismissed these early warnings as the work of one or two bad apples.  Nor were we alone in underestimating the threat posed by illicit chemicals.  Promethean Times still holds that drugs are not necessary to enjoy an air-raid siren set to a metronomic beat, and that the shared joy of grinding sexlessly against the nearest sweaty, stinking body is in no way enhanced by chemicals.  We believe that a twenty-eight year old dressed up as the Lorax can be kooky and fun, and not just a wincingly pitiable product of drug-attenuated tastes.  But are these long-cherished values still embraced by today’s young ravers?

"I'm Not The Lorax, Dammit! I'm Wilford Brimley, And Your Diabetes Is Out Of Control!"

There are troubling indications that these wholesome traditions are breaking down.  In Los Angeles, 80 people were arrested and several hospitalized at yet another rave.  Most of the arrests and hospitalizations were the result of drug use.

Fact: Gathering Massive Numbers Of Germans In One Place For Any Reason Means Someone's Going To Die.

The use of “Love” in the name of the gathering points to a disturbing new trend, where young people hold orgiastic celebrations in honor of the positive emotion.   Americans should count themselves lucky with the casualties they did receive–in the German Love Parade 21 people were crushed to death in a stampede of unbridled affection.

Your Mother Must Be Very Proud.

This Day In History: August 16th, 1977 CE

16 Monday Aug 2010

Posted by in Celebrity, Culture, History, Music

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

, , , , , , , , , , , , ,

On which a grieving world books a room at the Heartbreak Hotel upon the sad news of the King’s death at 42.

Promethean Times' Editorial Assistant Tardsie The Backpack Poses At The Grave Of Elvis Presley.

The following poem is from Ms. Marie Greenfield’s heartfelt Elvis, Legend of Love (a poetric tribute to the KING).  The book is notable for Greenfield’s charming pen and ink drawings of butterflies, flowers and sequined guitars.

ELVIS WAS

So nifty and handsome,

So charming and wise

The dream in my heart,

The light in my eyes.

Elvis, Elvis tell me true,

Did I have a chance with you?

I would have been your clinging vine,

And you would have been mine.

Sadly, this delightful menagerie of grammar-eschewing poems devoted to the KING is no longer in print.  Although Smaktakula purchased Elvis, Legend of Love at a swap meet for a meager $2, he holds it no less dear than his impressive collection of erotic Hummel figurines.

Blue Suede Facebook

We Have High Hopes For Justin Bieber

04 Wednesday Aug 2010

Posted by in Celebrity, Culture, Music

≈ 4 Comments

Tags

, , , , , , , , , , , , ,

By Smaktakula

Sixteen-year-old pop moppet Justin Bieber has announced the upcoming release of his ridiculously-titled photo memoir, Justin Bieber: First Step 2 Forever: My Story.

Promethean Times joins the rest of the adult world in urgently hoping this news indicates that the adorable societal carcinoma has made plans to expire in the very near future.

This Photo Will Be Perfect For The Inquest.