By Smaktakula

"Sell A Vital Organ And Thereby Seriously Jeopardize My Remaining 60-Plus Years For A Couple Pieces Of Overpriced Electronic Crap, Which Are Even Now Hurtling Toward Obsolescence? Dude--You Had Me At The Open Quote."

Disproving the long-standing stereotype that Chinese children are better educated and more intelligent than their Western counterparts, one young man in China has set out to prove that Chinese youth are every bit as stupid as Western kids, if not even more stupider.*  Xiao Zheng, a 17-year-old moron from Guangdong province in China, was so horny for electronic products that it seemed a good idea to sell body parts to get them.

But Xiao was no fool; he wasn’t about to go selling critically important organs like his heart, liver or appendix–the absence of which would bring about immediate death, preventing him from playing with his blood-bought doodads.  Instead, he chose from paired organs, finally settling on a kidney.  Considered a vital–or at the very least really important– organ by most medical professionals, the kidney filters waste from the blood, as well as performing several other duties in support of a properly functioning body.

We're Told It's Pretty Important.

Xiao pushed ahead with his hard-thought plan, permitting an anonymous assembly line surgeon with questionable hygiene to rummage his innards before ripping out the healthy organ.  But the slaughterhouse docs were as good as their word, paying Xiao the kingly sum of 22,000 Yuan, or about $3,400.  Meanwhile a cancer-ridden septuagenarian billionaire was able to add a few months to his papery half-life thanks to the gift of the teenager’s kidney, paying the black marketeers enough to ensure a ridiculous profit margin–so in the end, everybody won.

Xiao didn’t waste his nearly 3.5 grand by investing it by bribing a local official for higher placement on the civil service exam or for his inevitable future dialysis treatments.  Instead, he used the money as he always intended, to buy an iPad 2 and a boss new iPhone.

Xiao is already planning his financial strategy for purchasing the next generation of those devices when they ship early next year–he’ll sell more paired organs.  The maimed lad is already gauging responses from potential buyers for one of his eyes or a lung.  Sadly, Xiao’s liquid physical resources end there–alas, he was born with just one testicle.

.Don't Look Now, But We Think A Certain Someone Is About To Completely Lose His Shit And Mow Down The Cheerleading Squad.

*While it’s true that the comparative and superlative forms of ‘stupid’ are ‘stupider’ and ‘stupidest’ respectively, Smaktakula is employing the superduperlative form.  Now you know.  ∞T.