The Elderly Are Right About One Thing At Least: Kids Today Have It Too Damn Easy

21 Tuesday Feb 2012

Posted by in Culture, History, Stupidity

≈ 8 Comments

Tags

, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

By Smaktakula

The Old Days Sucked. The Only Two Pleasures In Og's Wretched Existence Were Warm Bearcat Stew And, Apparently, Humping A Bag Lady.

One of the universal cornerstones of adulthood is the opportunity to bitch vociferously among the members of one’s own generation about how easy kids have it today. That every generation since the dawn of history has engaged in comparing the young unfavorably to itself might be viewed simply as exaggerated flights of reminiscence into the misty days of an idealized youth. However, one has only to note the tremendous progress and scientific innovation of our species, which has pushed back the thick crust of suck that once covered the earth entirely, but is now puddled around the globe in places like Mexico, Somalia or Kentucky. Indoor plumbing, the internet and fake boobs, among other technological marvels, have made the lives of each subsequent generation better than that which preceded it When an older generation complains about how good the ‘kids today’ have it, they’re usually right.

Yeah, But For Most Of Us It's Gotten Better. You Hang In There!

Nowhere is this more true than in the realm of illicit drugs. Despite their official prohibition, drugs have become increasingly available since the 1960s. In the ensuing five decades, LSD has come and gone and come again several times and Quaaludes® have disappeared entirely, but the availability of intoxicants, bolstered by new or newly rediscovered drugs like ketamine, PCP and methamphetamine, has only increased. Moreover, several states have legalized marijuana.¹ And for those who, despite the pharmacopoeia readily available to the young and old alike, are somehow unable to find anything else, spice rack highs like nutmeg² are as close as your local Piggly Wiggly.

They Didn't Always Come Boxed Or In Flavors. Back In Our Day, Going To The Supermarket For Whippets Meant That Your Buddy Kept A Lookout While You Sucked Down Reddi-Wip Like Lindsay Lohan On A Coke-Flavored Dick.

¹Marijuana has been legalized in these states for medical patients only. You must have a valid medical condition, such as a tummy ache, before getting a prescription for the sweet, sweet cheeba. ∞ T.
²For reals–in sufficient quantities, nutmeg is an hallucinogen. Equally for reals–stay as far away from Lady Meg as you can, for she is wicked and cruel. Trust us on this one, kids. ∞ T.

Keep That Kidney To Yourself, Whore!

20 Monday Feb 2012

Posted by in News, Science

≈ 7 Comments

Tags

, , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

By Smaktakula

Ironically, You Can Only Donate Life If You Haven't Had Much Of One Yourself.

It’s easy to forget the impact that organ transplants have had on society. Medical science has advanced to such a degree that it now seems routine to cut the organs from a dying man or woman and transplant them into the body of a patient who, without the procedure, would otherwise die. There are thousands of people today who owe their very lives to men and women whose names they will never know.

Despite the dizzying progress of our science, human behavior has yet to make the same quantum leap.  Because increasingly fewer people are opting to become organ donors, the demand for transplants far outpaces the availability of suitable organs.

The Hooker With A Heart Of Gold. It's A Very Serious Medical Condition.

If a Centers for Disease Control recommendation is implemented, quality organs will become even more rare. The venerable health organization takes very seriously its responsibility to ensure that only the pinkest, healthiest organs get sewn into recipients. To meet this end,the CDC has devised several screening methods to weed out potential undesirables and plague-carriers. Relying heavily on statistics, the organization has identified several high-risk groups, such as convicts, whose members are barred from organ donation.  However, in a move sure to stoke the ire of pro-skank activists around the globe, the CDC has issued recommendations barring persons of a slutty nature from donating organs.

Sadly, Ron Jeremy Will Most Likely Not Be Allowed To Donate, And His Magnificent Organ Will Die With Him.

Smaktakula’s lonely and isolated existence would make him a perfect candidate to donate his organs, if only doctors weren’t so hung up about sclerosis. ∞ T.

For Reals: The Best of Promethean Times!

17 Friday Feb 2012

Posted by in Celebrity, Culture, News

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

By the Promethean Times Editorial Staff

For The Best And Most Reliable News From The Four Corners Of The Globe, You Know Where To Look.

In which we present a few of  our favorite Promethean Times’ features. We hope you’ll enjoy as well. ∞ T.

Humor:

We Prefer Humor That Is Neither Hurtful Nor Degrading.

Our readers know that humor is near and dear to our hearts. In the following post, we provide the punch lines to our very favorite jokes. Straight lines not included.

The Big Issues:

Blondes: As Stupid As They Are Slutty.

In which we tackle the pressing social issues of freedom of speech and question the true nature of female beauty. We also discuss why blond people shouldn’t wear their hair in dreadlocks, and why their women are so dumb and slutty.

Nature:

This Is Nothing A Car Exhaust And A Length Of Hose Won't Cure.

We care deeply about the environment and the creatures who live within it.

Culture:

Has Anyone Ever Stopped To Ask If Maybe They Had It Coming?

We spend a good deal of time talking about various places around the globe.  We think you’ll enjoy our report on those iniquitous Belgians.

People in Power:

Jimmy, Why Do You Hang Out With Him If He's Just Gonna Treat You Like That?

Like the rest of the world, we’re fascinated by powerful people. In these  gems, we explore the friendship between two former presidents, and examine the future King of England’s quest for true love.

Small Black Actors:

Small, Black & Formerly Famous. But The Similarities End There.

Tales of two diminutive former child stars: one a cursed, loveless misanthrope, the other a happy little man-whore.

The Evil Ones:

Ding, Dong The Dick Is Dead!

In which we take a hard look at the enemies of freedom.

Fictional Characters:

His Blood Was An Unsweetened Raspberry-Watermelon. Even The Dogs Wouldn't Lap It Up.

It’s not just real people who get the Promethean Times treatment. Here we explore the tragic effect of violence upon the worlds of soft-drink advertising and children’s educational programming.

Promethea Culpa Culpa: More Retractions

16 Thursday Feb 2012

Posted by in Celebrity, Culture, News, Stupidity

≈ 5 Comments

Tags

, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

By Tardsie

Occasionally, You May Read Something In These Pages That Just Isn't True.

Readers of Promethean Times know how very seriously we take our journalistic responsibility to keep the public informed. Throughout its nearly two-hundred years of publication, Promethean Times has striven to justify our readership’s trust by providing only the most accurate and thoroughly-vetted information. Although we have been exceptionally successful in this endeavor, we do from time to time make mistakes. It is vital to our mission that, when on those infrequent occasions when we do make mistakes, we correct them quickly.

***

See? It's Not Just Us.

Mickey Rooney does not have late-stage syphilis. A representative of the nonagenarian actor and insurance pitchman told Promethean Times that Rooney was healthy and that his nose has not ‘rotted away to a blackened stump’ as previously reported.

***

We extend a heartfelt and abject apology not only to the wife and infant daughter of Scoutmaster Daniel “Flip” Plevins and the parents of Billy Wilkins, Shane Green and Cody McPhereson, but to all of Cub Scout Pack 492 and to the intrepid park rangers who were first upon the grisly scene. Further, we apologize to any readers unknown to us who may have suffered injury after relying on erroneous information provided by this publication. We regret our error. As it turns out, grizzly bears are not, in fact, ‘more scared of you than you are of them.’

On The Plus Side, You've Gotten Your Nature Badge Out Of The Way.

The sound you hear when a spoon falls in the garbage disposal is NOT the wailing spirit of the child you aborted the summer after your sophomore year in college. In retrospect, saying so seems unnecessarily cruel.

"Why, Mommy? Why?"

Contrary to what was printed on this site, sprinkling your breakfast cereal with the finely ground toes of Irish babies will not cure leprosy.

***

We reported that a kitten frozen in a block of ice for a period of up to three months will revive if properly thawed. While this advice has proven to be cruelly incorrect, we submit that it was still a really cool notion.

But Don't Simply Take Our Word For It.

We were sorely off the mark when we told parents that flame-retardant toys would impair their children’s cognitive abilities. This is not the case. However, in our ongoing commitment to child safety, we urge parents to make sure that each of their children’s toys is clearly marked “INFLAMMABLE.’

***

Legalizing gay marriage will apparently not cause the universe to collapse in upon itself. Sorry, we thought it would.

If You Can Guarantee That You Won't Be There, We'll Take It.

Some previous retractions:

Promethea Culpa

74 Years Ago In Promethean Times: Sorry About Your Blimp, Hans

Professional Women

15 Wednesday Feb 2012

Posted by in Crime, Culture

≈ 8 Comments

Tags

, , , , , , , , , , , ,

By Smaktakula

She Works Hard For The Money.

Why should prostitution be illegal? Selling is legal. Fucking is legal. Why isn’t selling fucking legal?

George Carlin

Prostitution remains illegal throughout most of the world. Despite the hypocrisy inherent in being forbidden to sell what you can give away for nothing, antiquated morality keeps the industry underground. This in turn creates a host of problems for the prostitute, making her not only a criminal, but perpetuating the dangerous cycle of abuse and drug-addiction so common throughout the industry.

Professional Ladies Come In All Shapes And Sizes.

Attitudes are finally changing, however. One indicator of increasing support for legalized prostitution has been the rebranding of the industry. Long known as prostitutes, hookers and in vulgar circles, whores, these plucky gals¹ are now known as sex-industry workers.

You Know, When You Call It That, You Take A Lot Of The Fun Out Of It.

A further way in which attitudes have demonstratively changed is in our treatment of the women themselves. Long regarded as ‘unfortunates,’ something perhaps more than animal but less than human, and completely unable to make decisions for themselves, members of the world’s oldest non-farming profession are increasingly being seen as human beings with the accordant dignity and rights such status implies.

You're No Great Beauty, It's True--But Don't Sell Yourself Short. You Saw The Heifer Two Images Back, Right?

Only a few years ago, a sex worker who was brave enough to report being sexually assaulted would probably receive more humiliation than help from the police, and likely never see justice. Today, her assailant would be charged with rape. This is tremendous progress, but still falls short of justice, failing to recognize the complex entity a sex-worker represents. As she is an individual with rights, charging her attacker with rape is entirely appropriate. However, the sex worker is also a business entity, for which reason the unlucky rapist should additionally be charged with theft.²

Not A Prostitute Per Se, But Still Very Much A Whore.

¹This applies to industry females only. Male sex workers are still called rent boys. ∞ T.
²In some cases this only amounts to shoplifting. Don’t sell it so cheap, ladies! ∞ T.

Valentine’s Day: Embrace The Heartache

14 Tuesday Feb 2012

Posted by in Culture

≈ 6 Comments

Tags

, , , , , , , , ,

By Smaktakula

You Think You Do, Anyway.

Except for malodorous, house-bound misanthropes, no one wants to be alone. Humans are social creatures who seek comfort in the company of their fellows. Romantic love is particularly cherished, with lonely hearts sinking billions into online matchmaking services in the hopes of bringing at last to an end their soul-crushing isolation. The depths of humanity’s reverence for the emotion are so pronounced that fantastically ridiculous abilities are attributed to love, such as its apparent tendency to make the world go ’round or that ‘love is all you need.’ Love makes us stupid, and we like it.

You CAN Put A Price On Love. It's About 3,000 Hail Marys.

Valentine’s Day, February 14th, has been set aside to honor this most beloved of emotions. And like love itself, the holiday exerts a dizzying power over the senses, often leading to anxiety, despair and weight-gain. With all this going for it, who doesn’t love Valentine’s Day?

Lots of people, as it turns out. Those untouchables not fortunate enough to be in relationships despise the day, as it is a painful reminder of their empty, joyless lives, into which the light of fulfilment never shines. People in relationships likewise hate the holiday. Is it not enough, they reason, to eat meals, watch television and occasionally copulate with this barely tolerable person, without having to spend oneself broke attempting to bolster their self-esteem? Plenty of people have a beef with Valentine’s Day.

But given that the holiday has not only survived into modern times, but actually thrived, clearly, someone appreciates the annual homage to love.  So who does love Valentine’s Day? These guys:

The Love You Earn Is The Cash You Burn.

You know who else hates Valentine’s Day? Salman Rushdie and Bugs Moran. ∞ T.

Profiles In Dignity

13 Monday Feb 2012

Posted by in Culture, Stupidity

≈ 9 Comments

Tags

, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

By Tardsie

Some Folks Just Can't Catch A Break.

“Someone showed me a picture and I just laughed
Dignity never been photographed”

Bob Dylan

***

In 1965, songwriters Hal David and Burt Bacharach opined that love was ‘the only thing that there’s too little of.’  As any starving child in a famine-ridden but over-populated country will readily tell you, there are a great many things much rarer than love, which turns out to be rather common.

Dignity, however, is a dying resource. Experts contend that long-term exposure to media and social diets low in dignity can lead to both spiritual and moral deprivation as well as physical degradation. To celebrate this unfortunate trend, we’ve taken amusing pictures from the internet, and added to the poignancy with our own comments.  Enjoy!

Bonus! The Tank Can Hold Up To A Magnum Of Diet Pepsi.

***

No Matter How Excited You Are, It's Never Okay To Douse The President In Your Personal Fluids.

***

How Many Different Kinds Of Gay Can You Spot In This Picture?

***

San Francisco Is The Only Ballclub Forward-Thinking Enough To Sponsor Its Own Pedophile Outreach Program.

***

There's A Fine Line Between Terrifying And Ridiculous. It's Called The 'Terrifyingly Ridiculous Line.'

***

It Would Appear That Star Fleet Academy Has Relaxed Its Entrance Requirements In Recent Years.

***

Look At The Size Of That Pussy! The One Under The Cat, We Mean (Oh, Don't Act So Shocked; You Love It When We Go Lowbrow).

***

The Ass-Belly Is The Most Disturbing Thing In This Image, And That's Saying Quite A Bit.

***

Someday You'll Be Able To Tell Your Kids About That Time You Made Danica Patrick Throw Up In Her Own Mouth.

***

You Can Laugh, But It's A Finely Tuned Evolutionary Adaptation To Life In Today's Fast-Paced Urban Environment.

***

So how do you go about getting yourself one of those aqua-scooters, anyway? < S.

Singer Whitney Houston Dies

11 Saturday Feb 2012

Posted by in Culture, Entertainment, Music, News

≈ 4 Comments

Tags

, , , , , , , , , , ,

By Smaktakula

Whitney Wasn't Always A Reality Star. Once Upon A Time Being Famous Required Having Talent.

Whitney Houston is dead at 48 a representative of the beloved singer announced today. Although cause of death has yet to be determined, even an encephalitic gibbon knows that drugs were the most likely culprit.

After a series of chart-busting hits the 1980s and the early 1990s, Houston’s reputation and career began a rapid simultaneous decline in the late 1990s, as the multiple-platinum artist devolved into a ranting, crack-addled bag lady. The enduring tragedy of Houston’s story is that her beauty, voice and  innocence–the three transcendent qualities which made the performer unique–had been squandered long before she died.

Kids, Don't Do Drugs. But If You Absolutely Must Do Drugs, For Heaven's Sake, Do Them Correctly.

As with all stories of addiction and degradation, Houston’s fall did not occur overnight. She came to her abject and fatal road by a variety of paths, each winding tortuously through thickets of shame and poor choices and into the pungent morass of despair. Those various and meandering trails, however, if diligently followed, all terminate at a single source.

Nice One, Asshat.

Awesome Jobs: Ass Valet

10 Friday Feb 2012

Posted by in Culture

≈ 6 Comments

Tags

, , , , , , , , ,

By Smaktakula

We’ve done our fair share highlighting sucky jobs, such as jizzmastre,  narco or any position with Walmart, but here’s an employment opportunity sure to delight heterosexual men and gay women alike: supermodel ass-lotion attendant.

And Since You're Not Tied To A Desk, You Get Plenty Of Exercise. You Don't Want To Be Worrying About Your Own Ass When So Much Is On The Line.

You have to love what you do. ∞ T.

Recycling: Picking Up The Pieces Of Broken Lives

10 Friday Feb 2012

Posted by in Culture, Science

≈ 4 Comments

Tags

, , , , , , , , , , ,

By Smaktakula

"This Ain't The America I Know!"

We’ve come a long way in just one generation. It wasn’t so many years ago that the nation was buried from coast to coast in filth: trash subsumed parking lots, fields and empty spaces, with refuse festooned along telephone wires and garbage lining the sides of America’s highways. In recent years, wiser and more proactive voices have been heard, and the West has finally begun the slow march back from the garbage-choked precipice upon which it had found itself.

But our commitment to a cleaner environment comes with a price. While the majority of the population derives huge benefits from these changes in the form of better health and therefore a longer and more enjoyable life, the change in sensibilities has proven devastating for America’s forgotten citizens, who see a cherished way of life coming to an abrupt and painful end.

Some Nations Are Not So Hygienically-Inclined As Are Americans.

Ask yourself: who is left out in the cold by the culture’s ecological zeal? How about those fringers who make their living by digging shit out of the garbage? A plethora of half-eaten Chicken McNuggets and Subway sandwiches will ensure that they eat, but where will they find the money for fortified wine? Consider the middle-aged fellow who hangs out behind the Save-Mart, the dude with the running sore on his cheek who’s forever bickering with the invisible demons hunched upon his shoulders.  Just what do you suppose this gentleman will do when he digs through a filthy dumpster only to discover you’ve taken your recycling in yourself?  He’s not going to be very happy, we can tell you that much.  He may even leave a turd on the hood of your car.  Again.

Like it or not, unforeseen consequences attend every decision. While our newfound zeal for an orderly environment has unquestionably made the earth a more livable place for the majority, the homeless have seen a radical change to their time-honored way of life. Now, these plucky outdoorsmen must devote a greater share of their time not only to panhandling, but also to concocting a sufficiently heart-rending tale to accompany it.

Oooh, That's A Good One!