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Tag Archives: childish sexual innuendo

Helpful Hints For Everyday Life: Free Stuff

20 Tuesday Mar 2012

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, Stupidity

≈ 16 Comments

Tags

Charles Manson, childish sexual innuendo, China, free mustache rides, free stuff, Free Tibet!, helpful hints, herpes, Smaktakula's distrust of short people, the best things in life are free, Tibet

By Smaktakula

We Certainly Wouldn't Pay Good Money For A Diminutive, Messianic Madman, But We'd Be Fools To Pass Up This Deal.

Folks love to tell you that “the best things in life are free.” There has never been a time when these words were true, and never less so than today. Those who chose to repeat this old canard willfully ignore that even essential items cost money, and that about the only things which still remain free are your first month of service, unsolicited advice and herpes.

This Ad May Be In Error. Last We Heard, China Was Never Going To Give Up Tibet.

Is There ANYBODY Who Thinks This Is A Good Deal?

It Had Better Be Free. We've Never Paid For Pussy In Our Lives.

Whatever Happened To The Beaver Shot?

16 Friday Mar 2012

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, Stupidity

≈ 6 Comments

Tags

beaver, childish sexual innuendo, death by embarrassment, DIY porn, Egypt, nude photos, phallic symbols, pornography, pr0n, we've still got 'em!

By Smaktakula

Nature Is Part Of Our Shared Heritage. Everyone Should Get A Chance To Check It Out At His Leisure.

Technology advances with dizzying rapidity, pulling a reluctant society along with it. Only a generation ago many of the daily conveniences we take for granted, such as email, cell phones and running water were nothing more than high-tech fantasies. This ever-accelerating advancement ensures that wherever the future leaves us, it will be  a strange and frightening place, too difficult to accurately predict from our unfavorable historical vantage.

But for the many advantages this new technology brings us, there come also attendant consequences. Among these is the deterioration of the traditional community structure–as the world around us grows smaller, the bonds which link us to our local communities begin to fray. Nor is there any doubt that the wealth of easy information available at a keyboard stroke has whetted society’s appetite for instant gratification, while at the same time atrophying those skills upon which real scholarship is based.

Um...It's Just That When You Asked If We Wanted To See Chris' Melons We Thought...But, You're Right, They Are Really Nice.

But perhaps the greatest loss in how we communicate with one another. Since ancient times, young people have signaled their affection for one another by exchanging  nude images. In prehistoric times these crude pornographic depictions likely took the form of cave drawings, just as in ancient Egypt human pudenda were immortalized in rare inks on the walls of excavated tombs. Oil paints were favored for beaver shots from the Renaissance until the early Twentieth Century, when boudoir photographs became the norm.

Particularly phallic lighthouse in Mamallaparum

They'll Tell You That Today, Nothing Is Left To The Imagination. That Simply Isn't True.

But changing mores have conspired to kill once and for all this treasured ancient custom. Whereas once entire families gathered  to celebrate this DIY-porn, passing little Suzie’s naked image hand to hand (and arriving twice at Uncle Joe), as the beaming girl reveled in their wholesome attentions, this harmless tradition is being increasingly seen in a negative light. Dwelling on the prurient, critics contend that not only does this trend tend to sexualize children,  but the resultant humiliation from the unintentional promulgation of the private images can have serious and long-lasting effects upon a young person’s self-esteem.

Sadly, this view seems to be gaining ground, despite the nudie-shot’s well-established cultural history. There are no doubt a great many individuals who welcome the loss of home-made spank pix. Even without Jurgen’s Lotion or a similar unguent, this is a slippery slope. Will these same critics be quite so sanguine when other liberties begin to disappear as well? Imagine if you will a world where it is no longer safe to disseminate personal information like your social security number and credit card information or where children are afraid to accept bus tickets sent to them over the internet by dangerous strangers. Doubtless, that’s a world where none of us want to live, and yet, with every beaver shot left uncaptured, we are one step closer to that reality.

Do You See It? It's EVERYWHERE, Man!

Hey–remember how when we broke up I said I deleted those pictures? No, that’s it. You remember that I said that though, right? ∞ T.

The Supreme Court: Supremely Fabulous

07 Wednesday Mar 2012

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, Culture, History

≈ 7 Comments

Tags

Barack Obama, Bill Clinton, childish sexual innuendo, Elena Kagan, gay people, Gilbert and Sullivan, Richard M. Nixon, Supreme Court, the Supremes, you got a real purty mouth

By Smaktakula

Like Their Judicial Namesakes, These Supremes Have An Effervescent Style That Will Remain Fabulous Throughout The Ages.

People who say that Barack Obama nominated the first gay Supreme Court justice in Elena Kagan have obviously forgotten that former Chief Justice William Rehnquist, a Nixon appointee, presided over Bill Clinton’s impeachment proceedings wearing a robe he designed himself based on an outfit he’d once seen in a Gilbert and Sullivan operetta.

You Must Admit, He Was The Very Model Of A Major Modern General.

Haven’t we been good to you? Haven’t we been sweet to you? Think it over. ∞ T.

Profiles In Dignity

13 Monday Feb 2012

Posted by tardsie in Culture, Stupidity

≈ 9 Comments

Tags

Barack Obama, Bob Dylan, Burt Bacharach, childish sexual innuendo, Danica Patrick, dignity, evolution, fat people, Hal David, love, moobs, Pedobear, Promethean Times' ongoing commitment to treating all peoples and cultures with dignity and respect, Smaktakula's hatred of the San Francisco Giants, Star Trek dorks, the myriad facets of gayness, Why am I so fat?

By Tardsie

Some Folks Just Can't Catch A Break.

“Someone showed me a picture and I just laughed
Dignity never been photographed”

Bob Dylan

***

In 1965, songwriters Hal David and Burt Bacharach opined that love was ‘the only thing that there’s too little of.’  As any starving child in a famine-ridden but over-populated country will readily tell you, there are a great many things much rarer than love, which turns out to be rather common.

Dignity, however, is a dying resource. Experts contend that long-term exposure to media and social diets low in dignity can lead to both spiritual and moral deprivation as well as physical degradation. To celebrate this unfortunate trend, we’ve taken amusing pictures from the internet, and added to the poignancy with our own comments.  Enjoy!

Bonus! The Tank Can Hold Up To A Magnum Of Diet Pepsi.

***

No Matter How Excited You Are, It's Never Okay To Douse The President In Your Personal Fluids.

***

How Many Different Kinds Of Gay Can You Spot In This Picture?

***

San Francisco Is The Only Ballclub Forward-Thinking Enough To Sponsor Its Own Pedophile Outreach Program.

***

There's A Fine Line Between Terrifying And Ridiculous. It's Called The 'Terrifyingly Ridiculous Line.'

***

It Would Appear That Star Fleet Academy Has Relaxed Its Entrance Requirements In Recent Years.

***

Look At The Size Of That Pussy! The One Under The Cat, We Mean (Oh, Don't Act So Shocked; You Love It When We Go Lowbrow).

***

The Ass-Belly Is The Most Disturbing Thing In This Image, And That's Saying Quite A Bit.

***

Someday You'll Be Able To Tell Your Kids About That Time You Made Danica Patrick Throw Up In Her Own Mouth.

***

You Can Laugh, But It's A Finely Tuned Evolutionary Adaptation To Life In Today's Fast-Paced Urban Environment.

***

So how do you go about getting yourself one of those aqua-scooters, anyway? < S.

A Hole New Way To Look At Rachael Ray

24 Tuesday Jan 2012

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, Entertainment, Stupidity

≈ 1 Comment

Tags

celebrity chef, childish sexual innuendo, Food Network, photoshop, Rachael Ray, we have no shame whatsoever, you got a real purty mouth

By Smaktakula

Through the magic of the freezeframe, we present the following image of TV chef Rachael Ray for your viewing and photoshopping pleasure.

'TV G' Indeed.

It’s just a spelling error, folks!  We’re not that crass! ∞T.

Headlines 01.20.12

20 Friday Jan 2012

Posted by Smaktakula in Crime, Culture, Entertainment, News, Politics, Religion

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

Axl Rose, bad teeth, Beyonce Knowles, Blue Ivy Carter, breasts, breastuses, California, Catholic Church, childish sexual innuendo, Chinese Democracy, Chris Paul, Clippers, congress, Costa Concordia, death by cruise ship, dope, drugs, God, grass, headlines, hemp, Hope, inbreeding, Japan, Jay-Z, marijuana, Muammar al-Gaddafi, Nakh-Nakh the Pig, pederasts, pot, Powerball, reefer, Rick Santorum, schadenfreude, sweet sweet cheeba, taint, Teen Mom, Vladimir Putin, weed

By Smaktakula

Turns Out It’s Dark, Foul And Full Of Sand.

In which we comment on contemporary headlines without first reading the articles:

25 members of Congress with lowest net worth ~ How much respect should we have for these mouth-breathers if they can’t even steal right?

Putin faces off against an unlikely foe: Nakh-Nakh the pig ~ Nakh-Nakh!  Who’s there?  Nakh-Nakh!  Who’s there? — This has endless hours of comedy potential!

Blue Ivy Carter: Why Did Beyonce And Jay-Z Choose That Name? ~ More to the point, why do you care?

What Is College For? ~ Doing drugs, having sex with questionable people and generally putting off real life for five or six years.  And maybe learning something.  You know, whatever.

Don’t Get Excited, Folks–It’s Just Tobacco.

Chris Paul’s Christmas present to the Clippers: Hope ~ Hope isn’t worth what it once was.

Good Minus God ~ Is just ‘0’.

Teen Mom 2′ star pregnant ~ Being a brood sow is part of her contract.

LA arsons: ‘Right guy’ arrested, police chief says ~ You notice how they’ve never got the wrong guy, even when they do?

Photography: Big Beasts ~ We did a double-take as well, but that’s ‘Beasts,’ as in wild animals.

No Man Can Tame Those Magnificent Beasts.

Axl Rose completes jury duty ~ Not only did this endeavor take far less time than did the making of ‘Chinese Democracy,’ but the court transcript proved far easier on the ears.

Is $2 Powerball ticket worth it? ~ If you win it is.  Otherwise, no.

Santorum on the rise: I’m the electable one ~ And we think you’ll be the best darn PTA recording secretary that the Midville School District ever had.  Wait.  You don’t mean for President, do you?  President of the United States and Leader of the Free World?  Rick, what fucking drugs are you on?

Accused killer’s attorney argues inbreeding a factor in slaying ~  We’ve tried using the same excuse to beat traffic tickets.  It doesn’t work.

How to pick a cruise line for safety ~ Try to choose one that won’t drag you and your family to your briny graves on the seafloor.

Not This One, For Example.

Sword-Swallower Impales Himself on Stage ~ Although as yet there’s been no official confirmation on the weapon that caused the grisly accident, witnesses  say that it was most likely some kind of ax or spear.

California Catholic bishop resigns, says he has 2 kids ~ At least he’s honest. A lot of clergymen have literally hundreds of kids before they’re caught.

Imperfect teeth are big in Japan ~ Yeah, but everything looks bigger in Japan.

3 cars hit woman in wheelchair ~ Some headlines are funny enough on their own without our help.

The Funny Comes Pre-Bundled.

More Topical Reading:

  • Promethean Times Responds To The Headlines
  • Headlines II
  • Headlines III
  • Headlines IV
  • Headlines V
  • Headlines VI
  • Headlines VII
  • Headlines VIII
  • Headlines IX
  • Headlines X
  • Headlines XI

Headlines 12.15.11

15 Thursday Dec 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, Culture, Entertainment, History, Music, News, Religion, Science, Sport, Stupidity

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

Apolo Ohno, Ashton Kutcher, Britney Spears, childish sexual innuendo, Colorado, crackheads, Denver Broncos, Elizabeth Taylor, fat people, Finland, Godzilla, great white shark, headlines, Japan, Jesus Christ, Justin Bieber, Leonardo DiCaprio, Lindsay Lohan, Los Angeles, masturbation, moochers, Nadya Suleman, old people, Pauly D, rape, Tim Tebow, Tokyo, Twilight, Uranus

By Smaktakula
keegan fills 20 (Un)Intentionally Funny News Headlines

Reading Any Further Would Only Spoil The Fun.

In which we respond to the headlines, while ignoring the content.

***

Asians, Too, Mated With Archaic Humans, DNA Hints ~ So it’s not just Ashton Kutcher.

Did Lohan crash DiCaprio’s party? ~ Look, just because I let you blow me once doesn’t mean you can come to my parties.  Twice, whatever.  Get the fuck out.

Scientists plan Uranus probe ~ Heh.

Women Who Raped 17 Men Wanted More Than Just Sex ~ It took that long to find a man who was willing to cuddle.

Will Japan build a backup Tokyo? ~ Wouldn’t you?  One more Godzilla attack and that place is history.

Only The US And Chinese Militaries Have Caused More Damage To Japan’s Infrastructure.

LAPD investigates Bieber fan ~ Since when has liking shitty music been a crime?

Ex-Colorado Sheriff Accused of Trading Drugs for Sex Sits in Jail Named After Him ~ AWK-ward.

How the Finns stole Thanksgiving ~ On skis, just like they do everything else.

Apolo Ohno’s Secret Stress Reliever  ~ Masturbation, and lots of it.

Mobile cage lets divers cruise alongside great white sharks ~ Sharks counter with gigantic, fin-cranked can opener.

No, ‘crackheads’ won’t get you ~ And we’re just supposed to take your word for that?

Crack Aficionados: They Seem Cute On TV.

Los Angeles fire captain held in heroin sting ~ The fire captain is a boy.  Boys are called heroes.

Man goes a year without money ~ It takes friends far less time to learn to hate that moocher’s fucking guts.

Hip repair for Barry Manilow ~ It’ll take a lot of work.  Barry was never hip.

Opinion: Tebow can thank this guy for win ~ Is it Jesus?  It’s Jesus, isn’t it?

“Go Broncs!”

Vineyard owner says hiring citizen workers was failure ~ Interminable stories about darling grandchildren didn’t have the salutary effect the growers anticipated.

‘Octomom’ Nadya Suleman’s doctor wants license restored ~ He’s hardly the first dude to impregnate a dangerously unstable welfare mom.

Twilight may be hazardous to your health ~ Prolonged exposure will turn you into an eleven-year-old girl.

Brady makes little boy cry ~ Looks like the scandal doesn’t stop with Penn State.

Having to think about the unthinkable ~ Is, by definition, impossible.

Elizabeth Taylor’s look, for less ~ Eat lots & lots of fried foods.

This Is What Timeless Beauty Looks Like.

Why Islamists Are Better Democrats ~ Because the Republicans have a ‘No Arabs’ policy.

Housewife to pen memoir ~ This Floor Is Clean to appear in stores next spring!

The Cheapest People in America ~ Dude, you best remember who signs your paycheck.

Pauly D and Britney Spears Party in Puerto Rico  ~ At this point, it’s kinda hard to tell who’s slumming.

Live: Packers pounding Vikes on the way to 9-0 ~ You know, in certain circles that could mean a bunch of gay men are taking painkillers.  Maybe it does anyway.

Make Your Own Caption. We Suggest Something About “Roughing The Passer” Or “Tight End.”

What Has Come Before:

  • Promethean Times Responds To The Headlines
  • Headlines II
  • Headlines III
  • Headlines IV
  • Headlines V
  • Headlines VI
  • Headlines VII
  • Headlines VIII
  • Headlines IX
  • Headlines X

I ♥ That Sweet, Sweet Ass!

14 Monday Nov 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Crime, Culture, News, Stupidity

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

bestiality, childish sexual innuendo, ChocoFührer, comical despots, death by embarrassment, donkey fucking, Donkey Punch, donkeys, forbidden love, impoverished third-world hellhole, kleptocrats, places that suck, race baiting, Robert Mugabe, shapeshifters, Sunday Mayo, Zimbabwe

By Smaktakula

There's An Old Saying: "If You Can't Find Love In Zimbabwe, Take Yourself To A Place That's Not Quite So Shitty And Try Your Luck There."

Zimbabwe has worked hard to achieve its worldwide recognition as an unlivable hellhole.  As difficult as it may be to believe, Zimbabwe (formerly known as Rhodesia) was once one of Africa’s most prosperous countries.  However, since assuming power in 1980, race-baiting kleptocrat Robert Mugabe has managed to line his own pockets while driving the wretched country spiralling into an economic deathspin.

But for a brief, impossibly delicate moment, one young man thought he had found a little oasis of delight in this broken land of ruined dreams.  Sunday Moro was in love, his miserable life suddenly given meaning and joy through requited affection.  Sadly for young Moro, his was a love his neighbors in the village of Zvishavane simply could not countenance.

We Can't Really Blame Mayo's Love Problems On The ChocoFührer, But God Knows--He's Turned Everything Else In Zimbabwe To Shit.

Trouble came one dark morning at 4:00 AM, when fellow villagers found Moro making sweet, sweet love to his amour, whom, in a fit of kink, the young man had tied to a tree.  The puritanical villagers wasted no time in denouncing the lovers, calling their union “unnatural” and “an affront to all that is holy or even decent.”

Surprisingly, She Cares Not At All For The Donkey Punch.

The love-smitten fornicator tried to explain that, yes, he was fucking a donkey, but could provide an explanation he felt would satisfy his toughest critics.  According to Moro, the beast of burden had been an actual human prostitute when he’d picked her up the night before for $20 US.  However, in addition to being both physically attractive and a great conversationalist, Moro’s beloved was apparently a powerful sorceress, who transformed herself into a donkey shortly before the interlopers arrived.

According to the AP, Mayo said, “I think I am also a donkey. I do not know what happened when I left the bar, but I am seriously in love with (the) donkey.”  Sunday Mayo’s unusual appetites can teach us all a thing or two about the mysterious powers of love:  not only is it color-blind, but also apparently non-speciesist.

"Where We No Longer Tolerate Donkey-Fucking."

Brown Out

05 Wednesday Oct 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, Stupidity

≈ 3 Comments

Tags

blond, blond people are stupid, blondes, childish sexual innuendo, dark roots, Hey Blondie!, Jessica Simpson, real blond doesn't need to advertise

By Smaktakula

If a woman EVER mentions her blondness (e.g., I’m having a blonde moment or blondes have more fun) it’s a guaranteed fact that the carpet doesn’t match the drapes.

Sure, It's Tacky, But She Looks Ever-So-Slightly Smarter.

The windows to the soul are not the eyes, but rather the eyebrows. ∞T.

Sweaty Balls Bunch Panties

23 Friday Sep 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, News, Stupidity

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

Ben & Jerry, childish sexual innuendo, Church Lady, Colon Blow, Hans & Franz, hypocrisy, ice cream, obscenity, overreaction, protests, Saturday Night Live, Schweddy Balls, self-righteousness, SNL, sweaty balls, Vermont

By Smaktakula

It's Said That Once You Try The Chocolate Salty Balls, No Other Salty Ball Will Ever Completely Satisfy.

Counterculture ice cream pushers Ben & Jerry have gone too far this time. Heretofore, no one cared that they were eccentric–the public generously tolerated their confectionary love of dirty jam bands, which takes form in such bad trip flavors as Phish Food, Cherry Garcia and Bon-Bon Jovi.

Dippy-trippy fun is one thing, but outright filth is something altogether beyond the pale.  The Vermont ice-cream commissars have thrown good taste to the wind, naming their latest abomination Sweaty Balls.  In most cases we regard as silly those protests levied for moralistic reasons, and encourage potential protesters to un-bitch themselves and simply not purchase the offending product. However, there comes a time when the conscience can no longer countenance obscenity and rebels against the undermining of our most cherished values.   When such potty-mouthery is used to smear a wholesome, all-American treat like ice cream, Promethean Times must take its place among the righteously indignant and tell Ben & Jerry: NO MORE!

We're Just Saying They Could Have Based Their Product On A Wholesome SNL Sketch, Like 'Hans & Franz,' 'Church Lady,' Or 'Colon Blow.'

Update:  As it turns out, the product in question isn’t called “Sweaty Balls” at all, but rather, “Schweddy Balls,” based on the popular Saturday Night Live sketch of the same name.

In light of this, it is possible to view our earlier statements as something of an overreaction.  In retrospect, we feel like complete assholes.  We can only assume that other critics of Schweddy Balls made the same mistake we did, and that once they are apprised of their error, they will also have the decency to feel like complete assholes.

Seriously, Though--'Sweaty Balls' Could Put You Off Ice Cream Forever.

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