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Category Archives: Crime

Depardieu’s ‘Euro-Nation’ Stunt Deemed Derivative And Unoriginal

18 Thursday Aug 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, Cinema, Crime, Culture, News, Stupidity

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

actors, Americans, childish sexual innuendo, choking the chicken, cock, creepy old perverts, douchebaggery, Emil Haagerdäddi, Frenchman, Gèrard Depardieu, golden showers, has-beens, Paris, Paris is a sewer, places that suck, public urination, Robert "Sandy" Vietze, Smaktakula's decades-old vendetta against the French, the French, United States of America, urination, World's Rudest People, your mother must be very proud

By Smaktakula

Smooth Move, Ex-Lax. Your Mère Must Be Very Proud.

Bloated French nonentity Gèrard Depardieu attempted to make a splash Tuesday morning in what appears to be a copycat urination attack.  The sweaty Euro-pérvert, inexplicably famous for something somewhere, apparently mistook an airplane aisle for a Paris sidewalk, and began to urinate indiscriminately.

Depardieu, Who Often Displays His Cock In Public, Is Seen Here Choking His Chicken.

Depardieu’s boorish behavior marks the second airplane-related act of urination in the past several days.  It has been speculated that the blobbish thespian, who has repeatedly expressed fears that the French are ceding their status as World’s Rudest People to America, was trying to one-up US pissing sensation Robert “Sandy” Vietze.

When You Look At Depardieu's Previous indiscretions, This One Seems Tiny And Insignificant.

If so, this was a mistake says Dr. Emil Haagerdäddi, director of the Harvard Urine Fellowship.  “As with so many things,” Haagerdäddi says, “America did it first and did it better,” explaining that the portly Frenchman couldn’t hope to execute a difficult public urination with the same grace as Vietze, who is both much younger and a trained athlete.

We Hope That In The Future, Depardieu Will Avail Himself Of A More Proper Toilet.

What, You Can’t Pee On Little Kids Anymore?

16 Tuesday Aug 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Crime, Music, Stupidity

≈ 3 Comments

Tags

cancer, childish, crude, douchebaggery, foolish choices, golden showers, New York, Olympics, On Golden Pond, Oregon, poor impulse control, Portland, public urination, R. Kelly, Robert "Sandy" Vietze, skiing, smooth move Ex-Lax, Team USA, urination

By Smaktakula

Vietze's Career Is Golden And Smells Of Ammonia.

Talented downhiller Robert “Sandy” Vietze found out too late that when he urinated on a little girl during a flight to New York, he was also pissing all over his once-promising Olympic career.  The elite skier, 18, reportedly traded Olympic gold for a golden shower when he hosed down the sleeping 11-year-old during a redeye flight from Portland.

It Happened Pretty Much Like This.

Although he has been removed from the US Team roster,Vietze will likely escape prosecution because the girl, who was travelling to New York with her cancer-stricken father, is to too traumatized to provide evidence.  She and her family are trying to make the best of this horrifying experience.

When You Wake Amid A Golden Shower, It Can Seem Overwhelming.

Vietze is obviously concerned about that public reaction to the incident not be overblown, claiming that his actions were inadvertent and completely out of character.  The athlete doesn’t want to be painted as irresponsible, explaining that he had no way of knowing that the eight alcoholic drinks he consumed immediately before takeoff would have such a profound affect on his judgement.

R. Kelly Also Likes To Pee On Little Girls, But Unlike Vietze, He'll Make Honest Women Of Them.

London Bridge Is Burning Down

09 Tuesday Aug 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Crime, Culture, News, Politics

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

2011, Adolf Hitler, Battle of Britain, Brixton, Canada, don't hate us because we're ignorant, Islington, London, London riots, London's Burning, Mark Duggan, NBA, NHL, places that suck, the Blitz, the Clash, Tottenham, UK, United Kingdom, United States of America, WWII

By Smaktakula

The London Blitz Is A Hard Act To Follow.

Lacking an NHL or NBA Championship, kids in the UK aren’t afforded regular rioting opportunities like their American and Canadian counterparts.  In many parts of London, the window panes of Starbucks and T-Mobile outlets last for years, often for the life of the business.  So when Mark Duggan was shot dead by the police in Tottenham, local youth wasted no time in springing to action.

In America, Riots Are The Purview Of A Bored Middle Class.

Within days the party fever had spread to kids in Brixton, Islington and several other of London’s shitty backalleys.  The can-do kids of today’s UK have outdone previous generations of rioters, having set more of London ablaze than anyone since Adolf Hitler.

Although the crisis is only a few days old, some less scrupulous musicians are trying to make a name for themselves by capitalizing on the tragedy.  Observe:

“The Clash?”  They’ll never last.  One-hit wonders for sure. ∞T.

Don’t Be Too Free With The Pee

01 Monday Aug 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Crime, Culture, Stupidity

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

Calvin & Hobbes, douchebaggery, I piss on you!, immaturity, Pissing Calvin, public urination, San Francisco Giants, Smaktakula's hatred of the San Francisco Giants, Smaktakula's hypocrisy can sometimes be astounding, stupid kids, to my alma mater I apologize, urine

By Smaktakula

If you ever find yourself uttering the words, “Oh come on now–who HASN’T pissed all over the receiver of a public phone once or twice in his life?“– we can say with a high degree of certainty that you’re a douche.

Be Like This Unauthorized Image Of Calvin And Use Your Urine Powers For The Benefit Of Humanity, And Not To Its Detriment.

And yes, the rule applies to handrails as well.  You know who you are ∞T.

The Eternal Pervert

22 Friday Jul 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, Crime, Culture, Stupidity

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

Celebrity Death Watch, credulity, dead celebrities, Elvis > Michael Jackson, Elvis Aaron Presley, former child stars, future drug overdose, Jim Morrison, King of Pop, Kurt Cobain, LiLo, Lindsay Lohan, Michael Jackson, pederasts, pervertry, perverts, skepticism

By Smaktakula

The line between healthy skepticism and credulity is razor-thin.   Sorry, kids–Michael Jackson is dead.

The King Of Pop Is Touching Little Boys In Heaven Right Now.

Jim Morrison?  Dead.

Kurt Cobain?  Dead.

Lindsay Lohan?  Tick . . . Tick . . . Tick . . .

You’ll notice we didn’t include Elvis.  Some things are too serious to joke about. ∞T.

Headlines 10.19.11

19 Tuesday Jul 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, Crime, Culture, History, Music, News, Religion, Sport, Stupidity

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

ABBA, Adolf Hitler, bad cops, Bar Harbor, Barry Zito, Beacon Hill, cannabis, Casey Anthony, childhood obesity, Coors, Coors is horse piss, country music, dope, drugs, fat kids, fat people, gay people, Georgia, Germany, Happy Days, headlines, Hebrew Nationals, Hugh Hefner, HURRR!, Jennifer Lopez, jerky, LAPD, Maine, Marc Anthony, marijuana, Miller, NAACP, obesity, piñata, police brutality, Pope Benedict XVI, pot, Pringles, quaint lighthouses, reefer, revenge shooting, Rodney King, sharks, Smaktakula's decades-old vendetta against the French, Space Shuttle, Space Shuttle Atlantis, sweet sweet cheeba, the French, VE Day, weed, whitey, Why am I so fat?, WWII

By Smaktakula

Yeah, But France Was Smart Enough To Quit Before Anyone Got Hurt.

Nothing but headlines.  You should know by now, folks–we don’t read so well.

***

Hugh Hefner Already Has New Girlfriend ~ However, her name is being withheld since she’s a minor.

Confessions of a Gay Christian Country Singer  ~ My dog died, my truck done broke, I got stinkin’ drunk and then I hit the clubs with Jesus and danced the night away to ABBA mashups, out of my fucking head on two hits of E and a little crystal.

36 Hours in Bar Harbor, Me. ~ “Oh, look–Another lighthouse–and even quainter than the last.  I wish I were dead.”

Toddler was victim of revenge shootings ~ Before you judge, we should let you know–he was a bad boy.

“Shoplifters Will Be Prosecuted To The Fullest Extent Of The Law.”

Trip to Minors gives Zito new perspective ~ For one, the weed is different in Fresno.

Pope Benedict XVI Praises Jesus In First Ever Tweet ~ Considering that the Pope’s phone was purchased with company money, it makes sense that his first tweet would be big ups to the boss.

Whitey’s influence felt on Beacon Hill ~To hear the NAACP tell it, Whitey’s influence goes a lot deeper than that.

Do Obese Kids Need to be Placed in Foster Care? ~ Being a foster parent is a tough enough job without having to spend the extra dough to feed these human baleen.

He Pays For Himself. Check The Folds Once A Month And Collect The Accumulated Loose Change.

Casey Anthony jurors explain their thinking ~ HURRRRRRRR!

Great White Sharks Off the Coast of Georgia? ~ Not out of the question–sharks like jerky, too.

Happy Days actors accuse CBS of ‘despicable conduct’  ~ According to the group’s spokesman, R. Malph, CBS can “Sit on it, Bucko!”

Hitler’s Talking Dogs ~ Ärfen! Ärfen!

At Least He Fed Them Well.

MillerCoors kicked off state shelves ~ People were forced to drink beer that wasn’t carbonated jackal  piss.

What Would ‘The Good Wife’ Do? ~ She’d make us a sandwich.  What?  You asked.

Jennifer Lopez, Marc Anthony call it quits ~ If these two lovebirds can’t make it work, what hope is there for the rest of us?

Shuttle Atlantis’ Astronauts Get Sunday Off in Space ~ “Hey, Stu–how did you spend your day off?”  *** “How do you think?  Floating around in this high-tech Pringles can–same as you.  God, you’re such a fucking asshole.”

Rodney King busted on suspicion of driving under the influence in California ~ OFFICERS ADVISED TO PROCEED WITH CAUTION!

‘Person’ And ‘Piñata’: Two Terms Often Confused By The LAPD.

Return Of The Tallywhacker Snatchers

15 Friday Jul 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Crime, News

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

beaver, Catherine Kieu Becker, childish sexual innuendo, domestic abuse, John Wayne Bobbitt, Lorena Gallo Bobbitt, mutilation, penis, porn, porn oddity, severed penis, sex crimes, shredded beef, tallywhacker snatchers

By Smaktakula

If There's One Lesson Life Teaches You, It's That The Biggest Threat To Wood Comes From The Beaver.

Lop-dicked loser John Wayne Bobbitt can thank his lucky stars that his wife wasn’t as smart–or as ruthless– as Garden Grove California’s Catherine Kieu Becker.  Bobbitt, it will be remembered, was such an abusive asshole that his wife Lorena sliced off his penis and threw it in a field.  After hours of surgery, the dick’s dick was reattached, and he went on to have a minor career as a porn oddity.

Losing His Penis Didn't Make Bobbitt Any Less Of A Dick, Just Less Of A Man.

But Becker was no amateur; she ensured that her estranged husband would rue forever the day he incurred her wrath.  Like Bobbitt, Becker sliced off her husband’s penis, using a ten-inch knife.  But rather than just leave the severed pecker somewhere it might possibly be found and reattached, Becker ran her husband’s manhood through the garbage disposal before calling 911.

Sometimes, Even When She's Wrong, The Best Thing To Do Is To Apologize.

Although several penis-chunks were recovered, doctors were unable to reattach the ruined Johnson.  It is hoped that Becker’s husband will be made whole again when medical science advances to such a degree that a few grams of shredded beef can be restored to its former condition as a fully-functional sexual organ.

Ouch.

A Bitch By Any Other Name

14 Thursday Jul 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, Crime, News, Stupidity

≈ 7 Comments

Tags

alcohol, alcohol solves all of life's problems, bad parents, black people, Casey Anthony, Caylee Anthony, death threats, Facebook, getting away with murder, infanticide, men, mistaken identity, murderers, stupid people, thanks a lot mom, unfortunate names, unpunished, white people, women

By Smaktakula

Attention idiots: you may be threatening the wrong Casey Anthony.

It's Totally Okay To Hate Her. It Feels Pretty Good, Doesn't It?

The public is pretty upset about last week’s jury decision clearing accused child-murderess Casey Anthony of all but the most minor charges.  Most people find an appropriate outlet for this rage, such as Facebook status updates or in the Lethe-like powers of alcohol.  Some, however, express their animus through inappropriate displays like death threats.

Sadly, all those death threats don’t always find their intended targets.  As it turns out, that there are one or two other Casey Anthonys running around out there.  One of these is Casey Anthony of Darby, Pennsylvania, who has recently been receiving death threats from well-meaning, but moronic members of the public.  This Casey Anthony, if people had bothered to check, is a dude–a goateed, bald black dude, who in fact bears only a passing resemblance to the clean-shaven, fully folliculate, infanticidal white chick.

Look, Color-Blindness And Gender Neutrality Have Their Place, But Don't Be An Idiot.

To make matters worse for ‘Good’ Casey, he’s not the only member of his family to have the name.  It turns out that two of his sons are also named Casey Anthony.

Wait.  What?

Keep Waterboarding In The Home Where It Belongs

12 Tuesday Jul 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Crime, Culture, News

≈ 1 Comment

Tags

Amnesty International, bacon, bacon attack, Bacon is evil!, bad grandparents, bad kids, child abuse, Clinton Heights, Evil Ones, gingers, Granny Gitmo, Guantanamo Bay, Marilee Ann Kolynych, nanny state, parental rights, Pennsylvania, Problem Child, wakeboarding, waterboarding

By Smaktakula

Granny Gitmo

Clinton Heights, Pennsylvania, has joined that growing list of places where parents are legally prohibited from disciplining their own children as they see fit.  63-year-old grandmother Marilee Ann Kolynych learned this the hard way when she sought to teach her grandson a lesson about gluttony.

Kolynych has apparently long prided herself in taking an active role in raising her grandchildren.  So, one morning when her grandson proved too rapacious at breakfast, consuming a few extra slices of bacon, Kolynych took matters into her own hands.  Kolynych chased the boy into the yard and forced him to the ground, while beating him about the arms and legs and spraying him full in the face with a garden hose.

You Don't Think This Kid Deserves It? Maybe Just A Little?

Although the boy was not seriously harmed during the pre-lunch assault, and will certainly think twice in the future before snatching an extra piece of breakfast meat, Kolynych was arrested the following day.  She is now free on bail.

We Get Waterboarding And Wakeboarding Mixed Up. Which Is The Fun One Again?

Activists on both sides of this issue are studying Kolynych’s ordeal with great interest.  Some agree with the prosecution that the Guantanamo Granny’s actions constitute abuse, and hope that Kolynych will receive a fitting punishment.  However, many others feel that American parents are slowly losing the right to discipline their own children.

Promethean Times agrees with these beleaguered parents.  Is it not enough that we can no longer use waterboarding techniques to extract recipes and childhood memories from the Evil Ones?  Not content to stop there, the courts now see fit to strip this age-old right from parents.

Even Amnesty International Doesn't Have A Problem With Waterboarding If Your Child Is A Ginger.

As Promethean Times has previously noted, this is not the first time that a pork product has sown the seeds of discord and aggression. ∞T.

I Swear, Officer–I Thought The Lady Was Already Dead When I Tried To Have Sex With Her

08 Friday Jul 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Crime, Culture, Culture, News, Stupidity

≈ 3 Comments

Tags

douchebaggery, Kansas City, mashers, Melvin L. Jackson, Missouri, molestation, pervertry, sex crimes, sexual assault, stupid criminals, WTF?, you got a real purty mouth

By Smaktakula

Seriously, Where Can You Go To Meet Nice Girls Nowadays?

No one will argue that attempting to sexually assault an unconscious woman on a city sidewalk in broad daylight is not only breathtakingly callous, but utterly moronic as well.  Yet apparently, that’s just what one man did.

"Were I To Do It All Again, I Imagine I Would Take Better Care To Ascertain That The Victim Was Truly Dead Before Deciding To Embark Upon A Course Of Molestation."

But what separates 48-year-old ne’er-do-well Melvin L Jackson of Kansas City, Mo, from the rank-and-file masher is the novel excuse he provided to the authorities upon being caught in the act.  The reason for his heinous shenanigans, Jackson assured the police, was because he assumed the helpless woman was dead, adding that sexually assaulting an unconscious woman was “simply disgusting.”

"Hey Girl--You're Kinda Quiet. That's Okay, I Don't Like Talking All That Much."

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