Category Archives: People

News Of The Duh: Hostile North Korea May Present Threat To Peace

31 Monday May 2010

Posted by in Asia, Culture, Duh, International Relations, Military, People, Politics, Relationships, World Affairs

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The Leaders of Japan, South Korea and China held a summit recently to discuss North Korea’s unprovoked torpedo attack on the South Korean vessel, the Cheonan.

Apparently, one objective of the summit was to determine whether North Korea’s action, which resulted in the Cheonan’s sinking and the loss of 46 sailors, was a threat to peace.

They determined that it was.

So Ronery? Ronery Rike A Fox!

See These Three Wise Men Try To Find Their Posteriors With Both Hands And A Flashlight: BBC News – Asian trio say Cheonan sinking is threat to peace.

Smaktakula

Brilliant, Dirty Weirdo Said To Have Proved The Existence Of God

31 Monday May 2010

Posted by in Europe, Mythology, People, Religion, Science

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Not content to rest on his laurels after conquering the Poincaré Conjecture, Promethean Times’ favorite brilliant, dirty weirdo has apparently gone all metaphyisical.  According to a pal, Grigori Perelman believes he has proven the existence of God.      

Grigori, Grigory . . . Whatever. Is All Good

This information may be suspect, however.  This same friend claims that Perelman is–get this–a virgin.        

The day a brilliant, dirty, Russian weirdo sharing a cockroach-infested apartment with his mother in Ivanhoe, Siberia can’t get laid is the day the sun rises in the west.  Of course, stranger things have happened.      

Is True.  I Am Crazy Bastard Who Proved God Exists.  You Read: Grigory Perelman Uncertain if He Should Be Rewarded for Proving Existence of God – Pravda.Ru.

Smaktakula

Wretched ‘Bachelorette’ Contestant Wishes He Had Just Said “I’m Prompt”

26 Wednesday May 2010

Posted by in Culture, Duh, General Foolishness, Humor, People, Reality Television, Relationships, Social Networking, Television

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In a dark and slightly moist basement somewhere, Rolando “Cashew Dick” Negrin is jumping for joy.    The TSA worker and his stunted penis have done their time in the barrel, and are now free to slink off into blessed anonymity.  With a single request, “Shooter,” a contestant on TV’s The Bachelorette, catapulted himself from obscurity to become America’s newest and most exciting target of ridicule.   

“Ask me about my nickname,” Shooter urges the Bachelorette, hilariously ignorant of the humiliation tsunami he has set in motion, which comes crashing down upon him just a few minutes later.    

No, It's Not Because I'm A Good Golfer

Hey!  Wanna Hear Why They Call Me Guy Who Once Had Sex With A Chicken?  It’s Kinda Embarrassing: The Bachelorette Meets Shooter, the Man With the Saddest Nickname Backstory Ever — Vulture.

Fast-Approaching Lohan Trainwreck Promises To Be A Spectacular And Tragic Waste

24 Monday May 2010

Posted by in Culture, Drug Culture, General Foolishness, Hollywood, People, Satire, Scandal

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By Smaktakula

These are lean times for Promethean Times’ Patron Skank, Lindsay Lohan.  The plucky actress has faced anti-skank bigotry in India, the unlawful appropriation of her name and likeness by E-Trade and of course, the terrifying sniper episode.  Now, Lindsay faces what is perhaps her greatest challenge yet–a court date for her most recent DUI.       

Lindsay has reason to be scared.  If the US Justice System gets its way, Lindsay may be forbidden one of America’s most cherished freedoms–the right to get way fucked up.    

The threat is so serious that Michael and Dina Lohan, Lindsay’s “parents”, have toyed with the idea of combining forces for their mutual profit and if time and circumstances permit, to make a passable effort at saving their daughter’s life.      

Promethean Times wonders how Lindsay will regard this difficult period in her life when she contemplates it at thirty or thirty-five.   Will she be ashamed of her 2010 antics, or will she embrace them as necessary steps in her development into self-confident maturity?   

Last Round, Coming Up

Ha Ha!  Just kidding about that.  Lindsay’s never gonna see thirty.

From ABC News: Arab Reaction To Muslim Miss USA

20 Thursday May 2010

Posted by in Culture, Games, General Foolishness, Islam, National Events, People, Race, Scandal, Television

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The Great Satan For The Win!

Tighten Your Turbans: Arab Reaction to Miss USA Winner Rima Fakih – ABC News.

Some Portion Of Charlie Sheen’s Brain Miraculously Unravaged By Syphilis

19 Wednesday May 2010

Posted by in Drug Culture, Drugs, General Foolishness, Hollywood, People, Relationships, Satire, Television

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Despicable wife-beater and inebriate Charlie Sheen has wisely chosen to stick with his awful show.         

Promethean Times applauds Mr. Sheen’s decision to follow our advice.  Furthermore, we would like to remind readers that it couldn’t have been easy for the once-promising actor to accept the grim fact that, barring an improbably lucrative string of Hot Shots! and Wall Street sequels, he is destined to forever remain the Vast Wasteland’s bitch.           

WARNING: Staring Too Long At This Photo May Result In A Case Of The Crotch Lobsters.

Watch The Wind-Up Monkey Of The Post-Haim Era Continue To Bang Away: Charlie Sheen Returning to Two and a Half Men – PEOPLE TV Watch.           

Smaktakula

Milton Bradley Is Batshit Crazy

17 Monday May 2010

Posted by in Baseball, Games, General Foolishness, Health, People, Relationships, Sports

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Milton Bradley has asked for some time off from the Seattle Mariners to focus on his personal issues.

Sometimes You Feel Like A Nut . . .

Get well soon, Dear Friend.

Promethean Short Short Stories: The Battle Of Anticlimax

14 Friday May 2010

Posted by in Culture, Humor, Literature, Military, Movies, Mythology, People, Promethean Short Short Stories, Relationships

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By Smaktakula

I got a bad feeling about this one, Sarge. 

The private’s eyes shone bright and innocent under the moonshadow cast by hibiscus-draped mangroves, hulking and gnarled with age. 

I’m gonna buy it out here.  I can feel it.  

A nightjar’s call pierced the chittering insect liturgy that was the land’s buzz-choked heartbeat.  The young man cried out at the sound.

Sarge’s voice twinkled with checked laughter: You’ll be fine, Kid.  I’ll bet you’re back home in Valley City before Thanksgiving.

Sure, the young man said, trying to imbue his words with a conviction he did not feel. 

And wouldn’t you know it?  Sarge was right: the war ended two days later and everyone involved lived happily ever after.

TSA Worker’s Miniscule Manhood Now A Matter Of Public Record

10 Monday May 2010

Posted by in Corporate Culture, Crime, Culture, General Foolishness, Health, Humor, People, Relationships, Scandal

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Rolando Negrin, a TSA worker apparently hung like a larval mosquito, became increasingly upset by jeers about his economy-sized penis.       

Rolando "Cashew Dick" Negrin

Instead of going out and buying himself a really big American truck, Rolando went apeshit and assaulted his annoying co-worker.       

While Rolando may not relish the attention paid to his unimpressive meat-missile, he will hopefully take some satisfaction in the idea that by beating on his co-worker, he at least got to manhandle a prick that was much larger than a baby’s thumb.       

See Rolando Go Off Half-Cocked: FOXNews.com – TSA Worker Arrested After Jokes, Fight About Size of Genitalia.       

Smaktakula