Category Archives: Culture

Headlines 11.09.11

09 Wednesday Nov 2011

Posted by in Celebrity, Crime, Culture, Entertainment, History, News, Science, Sport, Stupidity

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By Smaktakula

The Devil You Say!

Promethean Times’ semi-regular celebration of illiteracy–we read the headlines and skip the articles.

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Grandmother Gives Worst ‘Reason’ for Tossing 2-Year-Old Over Mall Balcony ~ Because there are so many good reasons for hurling your grandson to his death.

Ashton Kutcher Cheated on Demi Moore With 2 Girls in Hot Tub on Anniversary ~ Have a little sympathy.  It’s like the prettiest girl in class just woke up from a nightmare to discover she’s married to her mom.

Mississippi man leads anti-illegal-immigrant movement ~ This will undoubtedly harm Mississippi’s reputation as a progressive bastion.

The Many Splendors of Boobs ~ We’re with you on this one.

What’s Not To Like?

Gonorrhea is becoming ‘Incurable’ ~ AIDS, an increasing awareness of sexual harassment and now this.  It sucks to be a college student in 2011.

At 22, Tennessee woman is mom to 13 Ugandan children ~ Tramp.

German officials admit using spyware on citizens ~ A German official said, “Yeah, it’s bad to trample the civil rights of your own people like that.  But hey–we’ve done worse, right?”

Autopsy of 11-Year-Old Celina Cass Has Sad Results ~ We challenge you to find a child’s autopsy with happy results.

Iran plot may signal ominous turn by regime ~Because heretofore those hostage-taking, Holocaust-denying lunatics have been pretty good neighbors.

They’ve Been Known To Let American Guests Stay For Up To 444 Days.

Would NBA players start their own league? ~ No doubt those financial maestros will turn the new enterprise into a gold mine.

Violinists play über-sized fiddle ~ Can you just say ‘large?’

Man Beats His Wife to Death for Understandable Reason ~ You’re going to have to narrow it down a bit.

Don’t Burn Your Baby in the Oven ~ Make sure you set the timer for no more than 15-25 minutes so that it stays pink inside.

How To Tell If Your Son Is Gay ~ Erasure albums.  Even one means the kid’s a homo.

Michael Moore confesses: I am the 1 percent ~ He ate the other 99%.

Still Fat.

Madonna’s brother is homeless ~ Newsflash: Madonna’s a shitty sister.

DOCTORS NOTE SUCCESS WITH ‘FECAL‘ TRANSPLANTS ~ Sometimes the key to saving your life is taking somebody else’s shit.

Spielberg tells Indiana Jones fans: ‘Crystal Skull’ was George’s idea ~ Throwing Lucas under the bus was Steve’s idea.

Geek image deters girls from cybersecurity careers ~ Mommy & Housewife don’t carry that geek image.

Gay rights fight, in Allah’s name ~ You know, just printing the words “Gay” and “Allah” in the same sentence can get you killed.

Despite Islam’s Proscription Against Pork, Some Dudes Have A Hard Time Staying Away From The Sausage.

MORE HEADLINES:

Nancy Grace’s Exposed Nipple Continues To Horrify

08 Tuesday Nov 2011

Posted by in Celebrity, Culture, Entertainment, News

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By Smaktakula

Would You Have Dreamed That A Squirrely Casaba Could Cause So Much Heartbreak?

The psychic trauma resulting from Nancy Grace’s Dancing With The Stars nipple-slip continues to reverberate across the globe.  Grace’s errant ‘Horreola’ has instigated even more collateral damage than previously believed.

As evidence, we point to the dozen or so viewers who have recently written to the FCC complaining about Grace’s slightly exposed knocker.  Among the audience’s grievances were an anger that the dimwitted news personality “displayed her pornographic breast and nipple on national television,” and that the gruesome display  “scared my children.”

The Boob Won't Put Your Eye Out. You'll Do That Yourself.

Promethean Times holds the female breast in the highest regard.  Breasts feed our children, fill out sweaters and parade with surprising frequency through the sweaty imaginations of men, giving America’s male portion of the workforce a regular distraction from the soul-crushing drudgery of work.  Breasts have brought about the Fall of Troy, maintained the popularity of the guitar and made Benny Hill watchable.  They are a force of nearly mystic import, with powers both beneficent and malign.  Nancy Grace appears to have used her breasticular powers for evil, and a scarred public is still paying the price.

Too Little, Too Late.

To Catch A Philanderer

07 Monday Nov 2011

Posted by in Celebrity, Crime, Culture, Entertainment, News

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By Smaktakula

"Fellas, Make Sure There's Some Grass On The Field Before You Play Ball."

Smarmy pretend-cop Chris Hansen has been caught cheating on his wife for a second time.  Although we don’t have anything particularly trenchant or witty to say about this, we feel that if you’re gonna pass yourself off as a sanctimonious do-gooder who entraps and then humiliates on national television the guy next door for crimes he has yet to commit, it’s probably best that yours is a life above reproach.

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A twenty-year-old who has sex with a sixteen-year-old is a rapist.  A fifty-two-year-old married father of two who has sex with that same twenty-year-old is a TV host. ∞ T.

Is It Racist?

01 Tuesday Nov 2011

Posted by in Culture, Politics

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By Smaktakula

Would you be racist if you were to say this dude looks kinda looks like an older, fatter Hitler?

Racist? The Hitler Thing Is Tiresome, But It's Hardly Racist.

But wait just a moment! This gentleman is Rep. G. K. Butterfield of North Carolina, a member of the Congressional Black Caucus–he’s African-American.  That’s right–you just compared a black guy to Adolf Hitler, you filthy racist.

"Hey Bud, You Wanna Hang Out Sometime?"

We hope you’re proud of yourself. ∞T.

Recalling A Simpler Time When Perverts Made House Calls

31 Monday Oct 2011

Posted by in Crime, Culture, News, Stupidity

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By Smaktakula

Exposing Your Junk To Perfect Strangers Is A Time-Honored American Tradition.

The modern world changes with such baffling rapidity that innovations in technology, fashion and language are transforming yesterday into an unrecognizable anachronism.  The information age has rendered obsolete the newspaper, the personal letter and the DMV.  Thanks to the plethora of pornography available at a keystroke, even the naked human body has become a curious relic of a bygone age.  Pennsylvania pervert Brody Hall made a game effort to turn back the clock on our cynical era by returning some of nudity’s whimsicality and sense of fun.  But like so many other gentle dreamers, Hall found himself crushed beneath the weight  of an impersonal, uncaring societal juggernaut.

A devotee of the lost art of flashing, Hall treated his hometown of Corry, Pennsylvania with an up-close-and-personal view of the young man’s dingus.  After ensuring that he was sufficiently liquored up, Hall knocked on random doors throughout the forgotten backwater, rewarding those who answered with a full Monty.  Hall later explained that his intentions were to “scare the children.”

Your Mother Must Be Very Proud.

But as with so many lofty goals, Hall’s plans met with an insurmountable obstacle: an uncaring, anesthetized society with no time for such old-timey foolishness.   So it was that Hall’s luck ran out when he unknowingly displayed his genitals to Corry’s chief of police, who wasted no time in bringing an end to the exploits of the dangling do-gooder.

The local authorities contend that society is safer without being forced to regard Hall’s waggling man-meat, and perhaps they’re correct.  Maybe there’s no longer any room in this age of instant gratification for a charming relic of yesteryear like the flasher.  Still, society owes a debt to men like Brody Hall.  Thanks to small core of dedicated craftsmen who continue to practice exhibitionism, a charmingly anachronistic piece of our heritage is being preserved for posterity.

Horatio Coxswain, The Legendary 'Marysville Masher,' Was Famous For Exposing Himself While Riding A Bicycle.

This Day In History: October 28, 1886 CE

28 Friday Oct 2011

Posted by in Culture, History

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By Smaktakula

On which the French and American people make a trade, with the French bequeathing to the United States the majestic Statue of Liberty, and the Americans in turn promising that France would never find herself abruptly forced to learn German.

Statue of Liberty

We're Trying To Figure Out If Lady Liberty Is Really French. True, She Makes A Lot Of Demands And Hasn't Bathed In 125 Years, But That's A Torch In Her Hand And Not A Gauloise.

It’s just that if we lived next to a clan of bloodthirsty dudes in Lederhosen who put the beatdown on us every couple of generations, we’d move. ∞T.

Words To Stop Using: Sheeple

27 Thursday Oct 2011

Posted by in Culture, Stupidity

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By Smaktakula

You Don't Like To Brag, But You're Way More Clued In To The Truth Than The Rest Of Those . . . Lemmings.

You’ve got a high school education and have knocked out at least twelve units at the local junior college, making you by far the best-educated person in your family.  This academic advantage, coupled with your own as-yet-unrecognized genius has made you privy to revelatory information unavailable to the workaday Joe.  But vital knowledge isn’t like a well-defined six-pack on a washboard stomach–you can’t advertise your intelligence by simply walking around shirtless.  Along with repeatedly trumpeting your genius to all who will listen, an excellent way to showcase it is by using words which make you sound smart.  Unfortunately, sheeple is not among these.

Sheeple, which traces its origins back to the 1950s, refers to a person the speaker feels is too conformist or beholden to the establishment.  The word itself is an amalgam of people and sheep, the latter long regarded as stupid and complacent animals.  Additionally, the word carries with it not only the implication that the subject is foolish and easily lead, but moreover that the speaker is somehow preternaturally wise, and clued in to what’s really going on.

How Can You Just Shake Your Ass While The World Is Burning Around You?

Sadly, it’s no coincidence that the folks who make sheeple a regular staple of their vocabulary tend to be the kind of bitter know-it-alls who once endured semi-regular beatings in the junior high locker room.  The user of sheeple has missed the boat too many times in his or her life, and aches never to be caught clueless again.  This sad mania manifests itself in an unending, Fox Mulder-like quest to find the deeper story, even if it means plumbing the fevered depths of their own overheated imaginations to do so.   Proving that Americans will believe anything if they want to badly enough, the ranks of these self-proclaimed geniuses are swelling.  Still, they take great pride in the thought that their awareness is somehow precious and unique; their insights are somehow more profound than all but a few of the diseased cranks from whom they get their ideas.

Folks, there are many great ways to come off like a smug asshole, but which can also make you sound halfway bright. Throwing around sheeple accomplishes the former, but leaves the listener with no doubt of your staggering and unfathomable idiocy.

Only One Of These Two Dudes Is Hip To What's REALLY Going On.

Here are a few other things we don’t think you should say:

Interstate Port-O-Potty

26 Wednesday Oct 2011

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By Smaktakula

Of the world’s wretched, filthy and flyblown places, the haphazardly maintained Honey Buckets¹ encountered at some of America’s lonelier Interstate rest stops must surely rank among the foulest.

Actually, Being Forced To Live Your Life In One Of These Isn't Any Worse Than What You'd Experience In North Korea.²

¹Like Kleenex, Honey Bucket is a brand name which has come to serve as a catch-all term for any filthy, pungent chemical toilet.
²Although a staggering body of evidence strongly supports the nearly universal opinion that North Korea blows, there exists a vocal minority who allege that the impoverished third-world hellhole is a barrel of laughs.

Al Qaeda: Surprisingly Sensitive

25 Tuesday Oct 2011

Posted by in Crime, Culture, History, News, Politics

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By Smaktakula

Ahmadinejad Resembles Comedian Yakov Smirnoff, But The Similarities End There: The Iranian President Is Actually Quite Funny.

Tiny nutjob Mahmoud Ahmadinejad can always be counted on to publicly propound a plethora of preposterous political theories and irresponsible historical revisionism.  Over the years, Iran’s pint-sized potentate has kept his many apologists busy explaining away such bellicose assertions as “Israel must be wiped off the map,” and tired claims that the Holocaust is a Jewish fiction. Ahmadinejad’s statements regarding the events of September 11th, 2001, the catalyst for the United States’ War on Terror, have left his defenders scrambling, and have unexpectedly invited criticism from within the Axis of Evil.

Like so many others before him, Ahmadinejad likes to make hay with the idea that the horrific events of September 11th, 2001 were an inside job.  This theory has gained some traction among the mouth-breathing element of the population, embarrassingly eager to believe George W. Bush the evil genius behind the sinister machinations.  Promethean Times has long asserted that the actual culprit behind the Twin Tower Attacks was the nefarious Saddam Hussein.

Sooner Or Later, Everything Turns Out To Be An Inside Job.

Jewish groups have long met with opprobrium Ahmadinejad’s anti-Semitic rants and repeated calls for the destruction of Israel, but now factions within the Islamofascist community have begun to chafe under Ahmadinejad’s comments.  It seems that the boys in al Qaeda–Ahmadinejad’s erstwhile allies in despising anything Western or fun–have a bone to pick with the pint-sized Persian.

The feared international terrorist organization has grown weary of Ahmadinejad’s constantly blaming the United States for the events of 9/11.  Al Qaeda wants to make it very clear, that they–and not a sinister cabal within the United States–planned and executed the tragedy.  Al Qaeda claims that the Iranian president–who most observers agree would piss himself to inflict upon the Great Satan just a tenth of what al Qaeda was able to achieve– is deliberately misattributing their historic actions to an internal American plot for no reason other than simple jealousy.

Let's Give Credit Where Credit Is Due.