Category Archives: Stupidity

Reality Skank ‘Devastated’ By Nudie Pix

28 Monday Feb 2011

Posted by in Celebrity, Culture, Stupidity

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By Smaktakula

Is There A Red-Blooded Male Out There Who HASN'T Asked Himself At Least Once, "What Would That Thing Look Like Naked?"

Overpaid hussy Amber Portwood is said to be ‘devastated’ by the recent release of several compromising pictures, which have rapidly gone viral.  The untalented reality star claims that the nude photos, which she labels “non-sexual,” were stolen from her phone by a trusted friend.

In this instance, feelings of pity for Ms. Portwood can be forgiven.  It is no doubt painful that she has not been compensated for these tasteful portraits, and that potentially millions of curiosity-seekers will “enjoy” her lackluster physique for no more than the cost of an internet connection, or in some cases, a library card.

Moreover, Portwood’s claim that the pictures are non-sexual is strengthened by the photographic evidence.  After viewing the images, it’s difficult to imagine that even the most maladjusted window-peeper could be aroused by these photos.

By The Time Amber Mounts Her 'Comeback' As A Porno Oddity, That Tattoo Will Look Even More Like Rosanne Barr Than It Already Does.

Given that a boob job is pretty much an eventuality for Portwood, we’re curious as to why she didn’t wait to take these pictures until she’d undergone the procedure, and in doing so avoid looking like a nine-year-old boy. ∞T.

Make-Believe Vigilante To Rejuvenate Motor City

23 Wednesday Feb 2011

Posted by in Cinema, Crime, Culture, News, Stupidity

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By Smaktakula

Outlying Areas Such As Grosse Pointe Or Farmington Hills (Seen Here) Are Among The Last Remaining Enclaves For Detroit's Affluent.

Imagine a wasted and broken city, a great grey expanse of steel and concrete canyons, silent save for the echoing lamentation of pigeons and the constant scurrying rustle of the vermin who remain always just out of sight, and who are the true inheritors of this necropolis.  Picture streets festooned with rubbish and unnamable filth, faded newspapers dancing in the breeze as they skitter along crumbling sidewalks past abandoned industries whose soaped or broken windows stare out like blind eyes, but which once could see, and beheld a city on the come, a bright, raucous, thrumming and most of all–vital–metropolis, one which proved no more  substantial than the mirage of Cibola.

Chances are, the image in your head is a fairly accurate depiction of Detroit, Michigan in 2011.  Detroit, which once could truly be called Automobile City and boast of the world-famous Motown Sound, is now known primarily as the city which has made the most Olympic bids without ever being allowed to host the Games. The blighted, abandoned ruin has fallen so far as to make rust-belt crapholes like Gary, Indiana or Youngstown, Ohio seem prosperous by comparison.

Nothing Else Has Worked. What The Fuck, Right?

But a group of philanthropists believes it has a cure for the city’s myriad woes: RoboCop, the titular character in the 1987 film.  Although the technology to unleash a cyborg death machine upon the streets of the Motor City is still at least five years away, it’s hoped that a likeness of RoboCop might be similarly efficacious in revitalizing beleaguered Detroit.  A downtown statue of the fictional icon, fans argue, would be a steal at $50,000.

Things are looking good for fans of the project.  Just three days after beginning their funding drive, the statue’s backers say they’ve received the $50,000 necessary for the project.  Supporters hope that the statue of the gun-wielding mockery of human life will act as a magic totem of sorts, driving away Detroit’s  bad Ju Ju in much the same way as RoboCop did the career of Peter Weller, the actor who portrayed the fascist automaton.

"I Could Not Agree More With This Choice. Sometimes Extralegal Measures Are Needed To Keep Society Safe From The Bad Sort. You Know Who I'm Talking About."

King Hammer

23 Wednesday Feb 2011

Posted by in Celebrity, Culture, Music, News, Stupidity

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By Smaktakula

Please, Hammer. Don't Hurt Yourself.

Hip-Hop star of yesteryear MC Hammer is back with a vengeance–literally.  The former Oakland A’s bat boy, who now prefers to be called ‘King Hammer,’ has a beef with rap megastar Jay-Z. Recently, appearing on Kanye West’s “So Appalled,” Jay-Z rapped:

“And Hammer went broke so you know I’m more focused

I lost 30 mil so I spent another 30

‘Cause unlike Hammer 30 million can’t hurt me.”

For his part, Jay-Z claimed he didn’t know that Hammer’s public riches-to-rags story was not part of the public dialogue, and seemed honestly surprised and perhaps a little amused by the kerfuffle.  Hip-Hop purists note, even if the diss was unintentional as Jay-Z claims, it still bespeaks a schism between modern Hip-Hop artists and their one-hit wonder forebears.

"What's That?" It's Difficult For Jay-Z To Hear Hammer Over The Sound Of His Millions And Millions Of Dollars.

Unmollified, King Hammer responded with the blistering diss-track, “Better Run Run.”  Drawing upon his faith as an ordained minister, Hammer dons a knit cap and Ed Hardy douche-apparel to narrate as a hoodie-wearing Lucifer chases down Jay-Z.  Ultimately, only God’s love–manifested through His servant on Earth, the Right Reverend Hammer–can save the multi-platinum rapper from the infernal clutches of Old Scratch.  Hammer does just that, then baptizes Jay-Z, whom he calls “Hellboy,” for good measure.

Better Run Run

Jay-Z has chosen not to escalate the feud, pointing out that he has many kind things to say about King Hammer in his upcoming book.  This is no small act of kindness.  Despite his royal bravado, Hammer is a broken man, with nothing at all left to call his own except for those ridiculous puffy pants.

"Sorry, King, The Check Bounced--I'll Be Needing Those Back, Too."

Yapple Dapple! ∞T.

Happy Valentine’s Day

14 Monday Feb 2011

Posted by in Culture, Stupidity

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By Smaktakula

It’s Valentine’s Day.  If you’re not spending money on your valentine, you’re not showing your love.

If you don’t have a valentine, there’s something wrong with you.

Because Love Isn't Free.

Brought to you by your friends at Hallmark Cards.  We’ve been making you feel inadequate for 100 years.

PajamaJeans: You Just Don’t Care Anymore

09 Wednesday Feb 2011

Posted by in Culture, Stupidity

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By Smaktakula

The fashion world welcomes an exciting new addition to the As Seen On TV menagerie: PajamaJeans.  Blending the muumuu-like luxury of pajamas with the I-Have-A-Job assertiveness of jeans, PajamaJeans lend a touch of MILFy mystique to dowdy homemakers.

Pajama Jeans: The Sassy, Sexy Way To Tell The World That You've Stopped Trying.

Because it’s 6:45 AM somewhere.

“Now with 30% more gunt support!”

Short People: At Last, A Reason To Live

04 Friday Feb 2011

Posted by in Science, Stupidity

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By Smaktakula

What's With All The Hostility, Stretch?

Let’s be perfectly clear: we have nothing against short people.  Although we have in the past referred (and will no doubt continue to do so) to the vertically-challenged as runts, trolls, homunculi or other appellations highlighting their stunted stature, this should in no way be construed as a judgement against the puny.  Short people can sometimes be a boon to society.

You Won't Just Be Pissing Off Shorty With This One.

Imagine a world without jockeys, where the famed Kentucky Derby was no more than a live-action carousel.  What would chain-smoking old Southern dames do with their time?  Without male gymnasts, the Summer Olympics would run a few hours shorter.  If there had been no tunnel rats during the Vietnam Conflict, who would be given the suicidal task of crawling down booby-trapped VC tunnels to blow up a few AK-47s and some rice?

Although A First-Tier Nation Is Out Of The Question, Opportunities In Political Leadership Exist For The Diminutive.

Despite this, these human elves are still reviled and mistrusted for their handicap.  Sometimes this societal prejudice against people of retarded stature is overt, such as Randy Newman’s hate anthem, Short People.  But bigotry is often more subtle, evidenced in the plethora of Big & Tall stores and telling absence of Little & Short stores.

Nutty Cult Leader Charles Manson, 5'2", Believed That Coffee Had Stunted His Growth, Much To Abigail Folger's Eternal Regret.

It’s tough to be a runt these days.  Not only have these wretched little creatures been cruelly afflicted by an unfeeling and capricious God, but they also must endure well-meaning patronization from normals.

NBA Oddball Spud Webb Has Been Granted Honorary "Normal" Status For His Feats On The Court.

Lift your heads up, little people*–we’d like to leave you with a short thought.  The world would be a much poorer place without you.  You give us laughter.  You give us Tom Cruise movies.  Without you, guys who are 5’10” wouldn’t be able to think of themselves as tall.

Little People Are Not Toys! In Fact, Homo Sapiens And Homo Runticus Are Believed To Have Shared A Common Ancestor.

*Seriously.  People might like you better if you stopped talking to their crotches. ∞T.

Things We Think About: The Hummer

03 Thursday Feb 2011

Posted by in Culture, Sport, Stupidity

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By Smaktakula

Before You Say This Thing Is A Shameful Waste Of Resources, Ask Yourself: What If The Senior Prom Were Held Atop Mt. Kilimanjaro?

From 1992 until 2010, the Hummer was the most talked-about vehicle on the roads.  The massive SUV, General Motors’ civilian version of the US Military’s High Mobility Multipurpose Wheeled Vehicle, or Humvee, was an object of admiration to off-road enthusiasts and to environmentalists, a garish icon of American rapacity.  Although there remain a great many of these automotive behemoths on the road today, GM discontinued the line in 2010, and “Hummer” is quickly returning to its origins as a euphemism for oral sex.

This Oversized Child's Toy Reminds Us That You Can In Fact Have Too Much Money.

The Hummer has but two uses.  It is a powerful and durable all-terrain vehicle, the perfect utility for that small percentage of the population which finds itself in conditions so inhospitable that such a conveyance is necessary.  Or, it can serve as an artificial manhood for pitiable pencil dicks with good credit and a dearth of brains.*

IM HUMMN. Translation: "Ladies: Not Only Would I Like You To Believe I Am A Virile Sex-God, But Also That I'm Quite Witty."

Either way, a Hummer without a personalized plate screaming “Look At Me!” just isn’t a Hummer at all.

*Poorly-endowed halfwits without good credit often opt for TAPOUT accessories. ∞T.

Pepperoni, Sausage, Simplex

12 Wednesday Jan 2011

Posted by in Stupidity

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By Smaktakula

Take a hard look at the image below.  Do you notice anything unpleasant about the sign above the pizza shop?

This Chain Famously Shuts Its Doors For Months At A Time, Only To Appear At Your Door As If By Magic Just As You're Getting Ready For A Really Nice (And Now Hopefully, Understanding) Meal.

Good eye, folks!  Not only does the sign employ a color scheme so vulgar in its crass insouciance to almost defy description, but the antiquated font harkens back to the days of the Silicon Valley Boom, and frankly is a little hard to read.

“So that’s one family size Herpes Pie and four medium Cokes.  Did you wanna take home any Gonorrhea Twists or Syphilis Whips tonight?”

Tina The Circus Elephant Doing Just Fine

04 Tuesday Jan 2011

Posted by in Stupidity

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Promethean Times continually strives for accuracy in reporting, employing stringent fact-checking procedures which rank among the best in the industry.  Despite these precautions and our best intentions, we are subject to the same human failings as are all journalists, and will inevitably be guilty of occasional small errors.  It remains our policy whenever possible to promptly redress such errors. ∞T.

Because The Big Top Wouldn't Be The Same Without Her.

Tina the Circus Elephant did not die mysteriously last week, as reported in Promethean Times.  The animal carcass found on the side of Route 9 turned out not to be an elephant at all, but rather a horse.  By the time authorities arrived on the scene, several local idiots had gathered with hammers, tire-irons and other household clubs, with which they then proceeded to bludgeon the flyblown mess.

They promised to stop.

“We thought if we hit it long enough, some funny might come out of it.  Our bad.”

Duhamel Groupie To PT: ‘Step Your Game Up.’

31 Friday Dec 2010

Posted by in Celebrity, Culture, Stupidity

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By Promethean Times

'Suzie' Is Appalled Not Only By Smaktakula's Ignorance Of His Favorite Actor, But Also Of A Movie So Replete With Unbridled Awesome That Its Title Defies The Confines Of Accepted English Syntax.

We’ve said it before: we love hearing from our fans. We are tremendously moved to know that what we do here has such a profound effect upon our readers.  Occasionally we like to throw the little people a bone by hauling out time-honored platitudes such as how we learn as much or more from the trembling supplicants aching to touch the hem of our robes as they do from us.

Truly Douche Juhamel's #1 Fan, Suzie Loves Him In A Way No Other Man Can. Someday The Actor Will Notice.

Recently we heard from a devoted PT reader, Suzie (not his real name)*, whose comment was such a great mixture of insight and constructive
criticism that we felt compelled to share it with you. Suzie was particularly disappointed by our prior  ignorance of the legendary performer, Josh Duhamel, and wasn’t afraid to tell us about it!

From his writing space in the fetid laundry room of the aging double-wide he shares with his grandmother, Suzie wrote:

Really, you don’t know who he {Duhamel} is?  The guy was in Transformers 1 and 2.

One of the biggest movies of all time.

You don’t know who he is…

Really??

Thank God Zoe Saldana didn’t get in the news for an outburst either. Then I’d have to read about how you didn’t know who she was either. Another swing and a miss for this website. Step your game up.

We’ve asked Smaktakula to respond. ∞T.

"You Don't Know Who Josh Duhamel Is? Huh. He Starred In A Little Movie You MIGHT Have Heard Of: Transformers I And II. It Was Only The Biggest Movie Ever. GOSH!"

The words ‘Step your game up,’ can say a great deal about the person who gives them voice: first and foremost that he is a bold linguistic innovator, eschewing the longstanding practice of English-speaking people to avoid ending their sentences with prepositions. But then, Suzie proved himself a grammaverick with his curious use of the singular pronoun “one” for the antecedents “Transformers 1 and 2.”

Although initially taken aback by his passion about a subject which would be inconsequential to all but the most ardent housebound nebbishes, we accept as valid Suzie’s condemnation, both for our being previously unaware of Douche Juhamel’s tremendous body of work, and also for failing to keep abreast of blockbuster movies based on children’s playthings of yesteryear.

Moreover, we initially thought that Suzie’s criticism of Promethean Times might be of a more spurious character, perhaps excoriating this publication for its tendency to say ridiculously awful things about perfectly decent and apparently-undeserving public figures as recently as the first sentence of the preceding paragraph, all while hiding behind the anonymity of an alias.  Of course, such an argument would constitute nothing more than a clutch of lies.

Zoe Saldana

We Don't Understand Why Zoe Gets You So Hot And Bothered, Suzie. Sure, She's 'Real Life' Pretty, But Not 'TV' Pretty.

Instead, he has chosen to take the high road, bringing light to the ignorant in the form of ephemeral pop-culture inanity: a true fan, Suzie’s only concern is our Netflix queue.  To this, we can offer only a mea culpa. Everybody makes mistakes, Suzie. Look at M. Night Shyamalan–the man makes a ton of movies; every great now and again one of them is bound to be a clunker.

Lastly–and given what’s transpired between Suzie and Promethean Times, this is difficult to admit–until his comment, we hadn’t heard of the moderately-attractive but largely forgettable Zoe Saldana.  Obviously, we’re more than a little chagrined to be called on the carpet for our pop-culture ignorance not once but twice. The only excuse we can offer is that we don’t get to visit doctors’ offices nearly as much as we’d like, and so hardly ever get to read People Magazine.

A Restraining Order Is Nothing But A Piece Of Paper, Josh, But What We Share Is Real! When Will You See That?

Thanks, Suzie!  2011 is sure to be the year in which we step up our game!

*Although we have withheld “Suzie’s” name, we should note that he was man enough to include a real name and email address. This is a refreshing change from cowardly bloggers who talk a good game from behind the aegis of a ridiculously-conceived alias, such as ‘Thinksquad,’ ‘Some Guy‘ or ‘Walt Stoelting.’