Category Archives: National Events

Lakers Come From Behind To Dominate Celtics After Three Quarters Of Furious Grappling

18 Friday Jun 2010

Posted by in Basketball, Culture, Games, General Foolishness, Mythology, National Events, Relationships, Sports, Television

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By Smaktakula

Last night the Boston Celtics and Los Angeles Lakers continued their great rivalry, coming together in a decisive game seven of the NBA finals.        

Fans have always responded to the passion engendered by these two teams.        

Athletes have often been compared to warriors.  Never was it more true than last night.  The players were so like the ancient Spartans or Athenians that you could practically see their greek forefathers hovering over their shoulders as the two teams grappled for four sweaty quarters.  They grunted and heaved as they wrestled for the sweat-slick ball, teeth bared in the straining, exultant agony of exertion.   This is the great beauty of the sport: the breathtaking juxtaposition between the animalistic abandon with which the game is played, and the delicate, almost sensual ball-handling of these gentle giants.       

When it was over, both teams had given it all they had, and left quite a bit of themselves on the glistening floor.  Ultimately, the Lakers came out on top, roughly coming from behind to stun the Celtics, who, with tears in their eyes, could only take it in the end.            

They Met As Enemies, But Became So Much More

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Dedicated to two very special Laker fans.

Shannon Price Is A Cooze

18 Friday Jun 2010

Posted by in Crime, Hollywood, Justice, National Events, People, Relationships, Scandal, Television

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Nothing ad hominem about it . . .          

To Add Insult To Injury: I Wouldn't Put Out

. . . Ms. Price let her husband die.  As such, our vulgarity is germane to the discussion.       

Even if this unrepentant black widow never sees a courtroom for her deeds, she’s doomed to live out the rest of her days, saddled with the guilt of killing the goose that lays the golden eggs.*       

*By ‘goose that lays the golden eggs’ we mean ‘small black actor who, insofar as we are able to determine did not actually lay golden eggs,’ but was a human being with all humanity’s accordant dignity, and deserved neither his sad death nor the snide comments Promethean Times has been making since then, up to and including this sentence. 
Alas, we’re inveterate hypocrites.

Promethean Short Short Stories: Cain’s Offering

17 Thursday Jun 2010

Posted by in Christianity, Crime, Culture, Justice, Literature, Mythology, People, Promethean Short Short Stories, Relationships

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By Smaktakula

Directed more by some entropic and unknowable inertia than by free will, Dora felt herself take two uncomprehending steps backward until her backside met the stove, which squealed briefly in protest.

The smoking gun in her right hand was spent and had become heavier somehow, as if it had swapped cold lethality for substance.  She let it fall, refusing to acknowledge either it or the spreading pool of blood spotlighting Martin like a mandorla on an Orthodox icon. 

Mama’s voice worried inside Dora’s head: Baby, did you mean to do it?

As hot, bitter tears spilled over the back of the hand clutched to her mouth, Dora answered: I don’t know.

It was God’s truth.

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Crazy Bastard Thwarted In Bid For Awesome, Meaningful Death

17 Thursday Jun 2010

Posted by in Culture, General Foolishness, International Relations, Justice, Middle East, Military, Mythology, National Events, People, Terrorism, World Affairs

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Ailing nutjob Gary Brooks Faulkner apparently decided that if his time was short, he’d do his damnedest to drag Osama bin Laden down to hell with him.  Supplied only with the essentials–pistol & ammo, dagger, night-vision goggles and hashish–this nutty buddy somehow made his way from Colorado to Pakistan to go mano a mano with the FBI’s most-wanted man.         

Reportedly, Faulkner didn’t waste valuable energy and time attempting to determine friend from foe.   Anyone foolish enough to approach the Bucket-List Rambo received the same response: wild-eyed death threats.         

Sadly, Pakistani forces managed to capture Faulkner after a tense standoff.  In doing so, they denied this patriotic and batshit crazy American the honor of laying down his life in a knife fight with a cadre of bin Laden’s elite guards, while their master huddles cowering behind them; or of tumbling off a sheer cliff while locked in a death-embrace with bin Laden himself, perhaps voicing a cool exit line like, Neither of us comes back from this one, Osama; or as is a lot more likely, a lonely death from exposure in the vast and trackless wilderness of Pakistan, Faulkner’s final hours haunted by delirium and a maddening thirst, huddling pathetically in the meager shade provided by a boulder while hurling increasingly weak and nonsensical curses at the punishing sun.         

No One Here Gets Out Alive

Is One More Crazy Fucker In Pakistan Really Such A Big Deal? American Detained in Pakistan Had Sights on bin Laden – NYTimes.com.         

Smaktakula

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As If Being A Big Fatso Wasn’t Bad Enough . . .

16 Wednesday Jun 2010

Posted by in Culture, Health, National Events, People, Relationships

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Apparently, studies have shown that obese people have poor sexual health, despite getting less sex than their non-gelatinous counterparts.      

Hopefully the news that being a waddling grotesquery is not all sunshine and games will counter the media’s persistent efforts to make obesity seem chic, particularly among young women.      

Not The Sexual Powerhouse He Appears To Be

Plus, You Can’t See Your Penis: Obesity Can Take Toll on Sex Life.      

Smaktakula

BP Reduced To Clutching At Silly-Straws

15 Tuesday Jun 2010

Posted by in Corporate Culture, Crime, General Foolishness, Health, National Events, National Politics, Places

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While BP’s ruptured well in the Gulf of Mexico continues to spew crude like Charlie Sheen on a runaway Tilt-O-Whirl, the nefarious petroleum giant’s brain trust has run bone-dry.      

This BP Researcher Asks: WWBD?

In the early days of the crisis, BP’s Idea Men knew that to realize workable solutions, they would need to ask new questions.  Working at a fever-pitch, sometimes logging 20-hour days, it was less than two months later when BP scientists asked themselves the question which would prove their interrogative Rosetta Stone:     

What if the rupture and resulting spill had occurred not in the Gulf of Mexico, but rather in Gotham Harbor?      

In the simple elegance of the question, an answer quickly asserted itself: Giant Scissors!      

It's Been 56 Days. What The Fuck, Right?

Having Something To Do Keeps BP Executives From Hanging Themselves: FOXNews.com – BP to Use Giant Shears to Cut Leaking Pipe.     

Smaktakula

Driving With Tommy Chong Not Necessarily A Death Sentence

14 Monday Jun 2010

Posted by in Crime, Culture, Drug Culture, Drugs, General Foolishness, Human Rights

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Promethean Times has long been regarded as the last of the truth-tellers, a lonely voice in the wilderness trumpeting to all who will hear it the nefarious doings of the Cannabis Mafia, as well as its dangerous and irresponsible dream of universal stonerdom.    

Shockingly, new data indicate that these media-savvy burnouts have advanced their shadowy agenda further than even the most strident critics had believed possible.    

Sleeper operatives within the LA Daily organization have planted a news story designed take the edge off America’s very-justified fears about doobie-digging drivers.  This story, which relies upon a supposed “study” indicating that marijuana has a far-less pronounced effect on driving ability than previously believed, may lead America’s children into believing that stoned driving is “groovy.”    

AP File Photo: LA County School Bus Drivers

Promethean Times would like to remind you that driving under the influence of the demon weed is not a “gasser,” “hoot” or  “trip;” it is illegal.    

No Thanks, Hemp-Head–I’m Catching A Ride With Kiefer Sutherland: Driving Under The Influence Of Marijuana Not Such A Bad Thing – Los Angeles News – LA Daily.    

Smaktakula

NAACP Achieves Goal Of Attaching Racist Connotations To Every Expression Containing The Word ‘Black’

11 Friday Jun 2010

Posted by in Art, Culture, Duh, General Foolishness, National Events, National Politics, People, Political Correctness, Politics, Race, Relationships

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The Los Angeles Chapter of the NAACP broke out their Black Leadership Scowls recently to protest a Hallmark Card which they call racist.      

The space-themed graduation card plays an audio track which, among other things, refers to black holes as “ominous.”    

Presumably, the NAACP regards the card as offensive to descendents of the supermassive space feature, who might rightly take umbrage at being labelled “ominous.”      

It should also be noted that comets and zephyrs, typically considered “white” celestial phenomena, are not mentioned at all in the card’s message.      

Longs For The Day When He Will Be Judged Solely By The Gravitational Pull Of His Event Horizon

Okay, Now You’re Just Being Silly: NAACP calls Hallmark graduation card racist | abc7.com.      

Smaktakula

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Iran Sanctions IV: This Time It’s For Reals

11 Friday Jun 2010

Posted by in General Foolishness, International Relations, Middle East, Military, Politics, Regional Politics, Relationships, Terrorism, World Affairs

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The United Nations has signalled that it is once again ready to talk tough with Iran.  US Secretary of State Hillary Clinton promised that the UN’s forthcoming sanctions against Iran’s nuclear program will be the most stringent yet.

It remains for posterity to judge the efficacy of not only these sanctions, but also the inevitable series of future sanctions.

Or, you could ask this gentleman:

Ooooh, The UN Gonna Put Sanctions On Me. I'm Rearry Scared!*

Stop Or I’ll Say Stop Again!: The Associated Press: Clinton says Iran sanctions will be toughest ever.

Smaktakula
*More sensitive readers may feel that we have depicted terrifying muppet Kim Jong-il as speaking like an Asian stereotype.  Nothing could be further from the truth.
In fact, Kim speaks with what is commonly called the Comical Despot Standard Accent.  Speakers with the CDSA experience significant difficulty  when pronouncing ‘L’ sounds.
For any readers who were offended, we suggest you examine your own motives.  It’s very likely you’re a racist.

All Men Are Created Equal (Not Really)

09 Wednesday Jun 2010

Posted by in Constitutional Issues, Crime, Culture, Justice, National Events, National Politics, People, Political Correctness, Race

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By Smaktakula

For those who don’t know, a hate crime is a crime that is committed against a black, disabled, jewish or gay person that isn’t committed by a black, disabled, jewish or gay person.

The distinction can be tricky.  Simply hating someone and then committing a crime against them is not sufficient to be considered a hate crime.  Likewise, because a crime is hateful, doesn’t automatically qualify it as a hate crime.  For example, stabbing an elderly woman 13 times in the face for her social security check is not, in and of itself, a hate crime.  Supposing however, that the old lady in question is a lesbian while her attacker is not, then it is indeed a hate crime.

Hate crimes are considered more heinous than other crimes.  As such, they carry stiffer sentences than their non-hate brethren, in much the way that stealing $1,000,000 is considered worse than stealing $49.50.  Given that the first sum is worth more, most people would agree that the theft of same should carry with it a more rigorous penalty.

Logically then, the types of people who are potential victims of hate crimes are of greater value to society than those who aren’t.  Were this not the case, all crimes of a similar nature (i.e., assault, rape, murder, being salty) would be punished equally under the law.

Since all crimes of a similar nature do not meet this criterion, it follows that the least worthy element in our society is the straight, white, ambulatory male.

When Viewed In This Light, It Does Make A Certain Sense.