By Smaktakula

They're Both Still With Us, By God.

Disappointment greeted the news of an unsuccessful attempt to doom Sarah Palin and Kate Gosselin by stranding them in the Alaskan wilderness.  Crushed supporters likened the effort to other failed historical long shots, such as the Nazi plot to kill Hitler or the disastrous attempt by the United States to free hostages held in Iran.  Said a supporter of the plan, “It would have been worse not to try.”

Fact: From Certain Neighborhoods, You Can See Russia.

Several weeks ago, fans of shitty television were promised the reality team-up of the decade when vapid baby-factory Kate Gosselin visited gun-crazy former vice-presidential hockey-mom Sarah Palin in Alaska.  Sadly, as most viewers of Sarah Palin’s Alaska already know, the highly anticipated meeting came off with more of a whimper than a bang, with Gosselin leaving the set after storming off in a huff.  Recent revelations that the producers were part of a cabal which hoped to eliminate either one or both of the reality stars only add to the failed meeting’s disappointment.

There Is Precedent: This Unsuccessful Moose Attack On Washington Gov. Christine Gregoire Is Believed To Have Been Funded By The RNC.

Several weeks ago, TLC* paid to fly the increasingly uninteresting Gosselin and her brood to Alaska, where they would spend the night “roughing it” with Palin and a brigade of production staff.  Plotters determined that a single night was best, fearing that Gosselin would balk at a longer stint.  However, as so many have before, the conspirators failed to account for Gosselin’s complete lack of character; after complaining the entire time, Gosselin left a few hours into the shooting.

Many People Hoped That This Image Would Be The Last Thing To Go Through Kate Gosselin's Mind Before The Bullet.

The plan’s authors contend that only an hour or two more would have been sufficient to spring the trap.  “As soon as Palin and Gosselin had fallen asleep, all the supplies and crew were to be taken out on sleds, leaving the pair only the tents in which they were sleeping,” says Dr. Emil Haagerdäddi, an expert with the Center for Conspiracy and Mind Control.  He adds, “The plotters were still debating whether to take the children with the crew or leave them to fend with the doomed pair when Gosselin stormed off.  It came so close to working.”

Kate And Sperm Donor/Babydaddy. Let's Hope The Kids Don't Get His Hair Or His Height. Or His General Air Of High Douchebaggery.

According to one of the conspirators, it was hoped that the operation would result in the loss of at least one of the annoying television fixtures.  “Best case scenario, we get them both,” says a man who will only give his name as ‘Patchouli.’  But the plotters made clear that they would consider the mission successful if either Palin or Gosselin were removed from the public scene.
Most observers thought it likely that the former Governor would get the better of Gosselin in a straight up fight, possibly cannibalizing the former reality star.  “We envisioned Palin cocooning herself within Gosselin’s carcass for warmth, in much the same way as Han Solo did for Luke Skywalker in The Empire Strikes Back,” said Patchouli.

It Was Thought That Sarah Might Survive In Much The Same Way.

But thanks to Gosselin’s mercurial nature, the strictures imposed by a television shooting schedule and plain old bad luck, Sarah and Kate’s Wild Wilderness Adventure is destined never to happen.  The world will go on as it always has, new controversies arising to distract humanity from the old.  Still, in the coming months and years, it will be nearly impossible to see either woman’s grinning image on television without wondering silently, “What if?”

According To Beltway Rumors, If The Plot Had Been Successful, President Obama Planned To Send VP Biden And Secretary Of State Hillary Clinton To Alaska Next Year.

* Once upon a time, TLC was able to call itself ‘The Learning Channel’ while keeping a straight face.