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Author Archives: Smaktakula

Celebrating 40 Years Of Hallucinogens In Baseball

14 Monday Jun 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Baseball, Culture, Drug Culture, Drugs, General Foolishness, History, Mythology, People, Sports

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

acid, Baseball, Dock Ellis, dose, drugs, fry, hallucinogens, I can see through time, LSD, lycergic acid diethylamide. LSD not LDS which is something very different, no-hitter, Pittsburgh Pirates, San Diego Padres, substance abuse, trippin' balls, tripping, trips

By Smaktakula

On June 12th, 1970, Dock Ellis of the Pittsburgh Pirates somehow managed to pitch a no-hitter while tripping his balls off on LSD.       

As with any such feat, the success is not due to Ellis alone.  Without his teammates’ stellar defense, this achievement would have been a longshot at best.       

According to Ellis, much of the credit for the victory must be accorded to the baseball, which provided invaluable aid by telling the frying hurler which pitches to throw.       

"With This No-Hitter, My Plan Is At Last Coming To Fruition. You Know What Must Happen Next. BURN THEM, DOCK! BURN THEM ALL!"

  

Driving With Tommy Chong Not Necessarily A Death Sentence

14 Monday Jun 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Crime, Culture, Drug Culture, Drugs, General Foolishness, Human Rights

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

burnouts, cannabis, Cannabis Mafia, demon weed, doobage, doobie-digging drivers, dope, driving, driving under the influence, drugs, DUI, grass, hemp, Kiefer Sutherland, LA Daily, legalize it, lonely voice in the wilderness, pot, reefer, shadowy agenda, smoke, stoned drivers, stoners, sweet sweet cheeba, Tommy Chong, universal stonerdom, weed

Promethean Times has long been regarded as the last of the truth-tellers, a lonely voice in the wilderness trumpeting to all who will hear it the nefarious doings of the Cannabis Mafia, as well as its dangerous and irresponsible dream of universal stonerdom.    

Shockingly, new data indicate that these media-savvy burnouts have advanced their shadowy agenda further than even the most strident critics had believed possible.    

Sleeper operatives within the LA Daily organization have planted a news story designed take the edge off America’s very-justified fears about doobie-digging drivers.  This story, which relies upon a supposed “study” indicating that marijuana has a far-less pronounced effect on driving ability than previously believed, may lead America’s children into believing that stoned driving is “groovy.”    

AP File Photo: LA County School Bus Drivers

Promethean Times would like to remind you that driving under the influence of the demon weed is not a “gasser,” “hoot” or  “trip;” it is illegal.    

No Thanks, Hemp-Head–I’m Catching A Ride With Kiefer Sutherland: Driving Under The Influence Of Marijuana Not Such A Bad Thing – Los Angeles News – LA Daily.    

Smaktakula

NAACP Achieves Goal Of Attaching Racist Connotations To Every Expression Containing The Word ‘Black’

11 Friday Jun 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Art, Culture, Duh, General Foolishness, National Events, National Politics, People, Political Correctness, Politics, Race, Relationships

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

Americans of Singularity Descent, black holes, Black Holians, Black Leadership Scowl, celestial phenomena, civil rights, civil rights leaders, comets, crying wolf, event horizon, Hallmark Cards, It's A Celestial Thang, NAABH, NAACP, ominous, professional race baiters, Protesting Is Fun!, racism, Singlularity-Americans, singularities, Singularity Pride, supermassive is beautiful!, supermassive like me, zephyrs

The Los Angeles Chapter of the NAACP broke out their Black Leadership Scowls recently to protest a Hallmark Card which they call racist.      

The space-themed graduation card plays an audio track which, among other things, refers to black holes as “ominous.”    

Presumably, the NAACP regards the card as offensive to descendents of the supermassive space feature, who might rightly take umbrage at being labelled “ominous.”      

It should also be noted that comets and zephyrs, typically considered “white” celestial phenomena, are not mentioned at all in the card’s message.      

Longs For The Day When He Will Be Judged Solely By The Gravitational Pull Of His Event Horizon

Okay, Now You’re Just Being Silly: NAACP calls Hallmark graduation card racist | abc7.com.      

Smaktakula

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Iran Sanctions IV: This Time It’s For Reals

11 Friday Jun 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in General Foolishness, International Relations, Middle East, Military, Politics, Regional Politics, Relationships, Terrorism, World Affairs

≈ 3 Comments

Tags

all bark and no bite, comical despots, Hillary Clinton, Iran, Kim Jong-il, North Korea, nuclear ambitions, paper tiger, sanctions, Secretary of State, that trick never works, United Nations, United States of America

The United Nations has signalled that it is once again ready to talk tough with Iran.  US Secretary of State Hillary Clinton promised that the UN’s forthcoming sanctions against Iran’s nuclear program will be the most stringent yet.

It remains for posterity to judge the efficacy of not only these sanctions, but also the inevitable series of future sanctions.

Or, you could ask this gentleman:

Ooooh, The UN Gonna Put Sanctions On Me. I'm Rearry Scared!*

Stop Or I’ll Say Stop Again!: The Associated Press: Clinton says Iran sanctions will be toughest ever.

Smaktakula
*More sensitive readers may feel that we have depicted terrifying muppet Kim Jong-il as speaking like an Asian stereotype.  Nothing could be further from the truth.
In fact, Kim speaks with what is commonly called the Comical Despot Standard Accent.  Speakers with the CDSA experience significant difficulty  when pronouncing ‘L’ sounds.
For any readers who were offended, we suggest you examine your own motives.  It’s very likely you’re a racist.

Saudi Clerics Advocate Adult Breast-Feeding

10 Thursday Jun 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, Food, Health, Islam, Middle East, People, Relationships, Religion

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

adult breast-feeding, batshit crazy, dirty pillows, lactating, Milk Mullahs, mommy issues, Oedipus Rex, Saudi clerics, wacky mullahs, WTF?

Seriously, there isn’t a thing we could do or say that would make this any more batshit crazy.

Make Sure You’re Facing East When You Do It: Saudi Clerics Advocate Adult Breast-Feeding – AOL News.

Smaktakula 

All Men Are Created Equal (Not Really)

09 Wednesday Jun 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Constitutional Issues, Crime, Culture, Justice, National Events, National Politics, People, Political Correctness, Race

≈ 5 Comments

Tags

black people, disabled people, gay people, hate crime, hate crime legislation, inequality under the law, Jewish people, laws, obscure celebrities, Pauly Shore, sentencing, The Wiez, untalented stars

By Smaktakula

For those who don’t know, a hate crime is a crime that is committed against a black, disabled, jewish or gay person that isn’t committed by a black, disabled, jewish or gay person.

The distinction can be tricky.  Simply hating someone and then committing a crime against them is not sufficient to be considered a hate crime.  Likewise, because a crime is hateful, doesn’t automatically qualify it as a hate crime.  For example, stabbing an elderly woman 13 times in the face for her social security check is not, in and of itself, a hate crime.  Supposing however, that the old lady in question is a lesbian while her attacker is not, then it is indeed a hate crime.

Hate crimes are considered more heinous than other crimes.  As such, they carry stiffer sentences than their non-hate brethren, in much the way that stealing $1,000,000 is considered worse than stealing $49.50.  Given that the first sum is worth more, most people would agree that the theft of same should carry with it a more rigorous penalty.

Logically then, the types of people who are potential victims of hate crimes are of greater value to society than those who aren’t.  Were this not the case, all crimes of a similar nature (i.e., assault, rape, murder, being salty) would be punished equally under the law.

Since all crimes of a similar nature do not meet this criterion, it follows that the least worthy element in our society is the straight, white, ambulatory male.

When Viewed In This Light, It Does Make A Certain Sense.

When Great-Grandma Is An Anti-Semite

08 Tuesday Jun 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Constitutional Issues, Culture, Middle East, National Events, National Politics, People, Political Correctness, Politics, Relationships, Scandal, World Affairs

≈ 1 Comment

Tags

ageism, anti-semitism, Arbeit Macht Frei, comical despots, First Amendment, free speech, Helen Thomas, hypocrisy, Iran, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, nuclear ambitions, press corps, scapegoating, senile old bag, Wir mussen die Juden ausrotten!

Helen Thomas apologized for exercising her First Amendment rights, but she’s still out of a job.    

WIR MUSSEN DIE JUDEN AUSROTTEN!

Why is an idea deemed heinous when voiced by a single, senile old bag, but excused away when expressed by the leader of a country with nuclear ambitions?  

I'm Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, And I Approved This Message

It’s Not Free Speech, It’s Arbeit Macht Frei Speech: FOXNews.com – Helen Thomas Apologizes for Saying Jews Should ‘Get the Hell Out of Palestine’.    

Smaktakula

Great Moments In American Diplomacy: D Day

07 Monday Jun 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, Europe, History, International Relations, Justice, Military, Mythology, Politics, Relationships

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

6 June 1944, Allies, Axis, Battle of Normandy, Canada, D Day, evil shenanigans, France, Frogs, Germany, Gold, Great Moments In American Diplomacy, Jerry, Juno, Krauts, Normandy Invasion, Normandy Landing, Omaha, Operation Neptune, Operation Overlord, Sword, The Hun, United Kingdom, United States of America, Utah

June 6, 1944: On Which The Hun Is Made To Understand That His Evil Shenanigans Will No Longer Be Tolerated.

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Genitals Of Jersey Shore Cast Declared ‘Herpes Nest’

07 Monday Jun 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, General Foolishness, Health, National Events, People, Places, Reality Television, Scandal, Social Networking, Television

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

fake n' bake, famous for nothing, Flintstones Chewable Vitamins, Goombah, Guidettes, Guidos, herpes, Herpes Nest, Italian Stereotypes, J-Woww, Jersey Shore, promiscuity, reality television, skankery, skanks, Snooki, STDs, The Clap, The Shore, The Situation, unfortunately-named celebrities, unlike your 15 minutes of fame herpes lasts forever, Valtrex, well-known whores, your mother must be very proud

Who knew there could be consequences from living a life without consequences?   

Who knew the thought of the Jersey Shore cast gobbling Valtrex like they were Flintstones Chewable Vitamins would be so disturbing?   

Abandon All Hope, Ye Who Enter Here

What’s The Difference Between J-Woww And A Midget Con Man?  Well, One’s A Cunning Runt . . .Jersey Shore creator hands out herpes medicine to cast ‘like M&Ms,’ says report.   

Smaktakula

Suck It, Jackpot!

03 Thursday Jun 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Stupidity

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

ad hominem, backwater shithole, crap oasis, gambling, haiku, holding a grudge, Jackpot, jerkwater burg, Mormons, Nevada, nowherseville, places that suck, Suck It!, the sticks, vendettas

By Smaktakula

We haven’t forgotten.

Here’s another haiku for you:

Jackpot, Nevada

You suck suck suck suck suck suck

suck suck suck so bad.

This Crap Oasis Exists So That Mormons Can Gamble

Don’t act so surprised.  We’ve made no bones about our tendency to go all ad hominem from time to time.

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