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Category Archives: News

Headlines 11.09.11

09 Wednesday Nov 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, Crime, Culture, Entertainment, History, News, Science, Sport, Stupidity

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

1%, 99%, AIDS, Allah, Ashton Kutcher, boobs, breasts, death by falling, Demi Moore, Erasure, fecal transplant, gay people, geeks, George Lucas, gonorrhea, headlines, homosexuals, Indiana Jones, Iran, Iranian Hostage Crisis, Madonna, Michael Moore, Mississippi, NBA, perverted science, Steven Spielberg, Tennessee, Uganda, Why am I so fat?

By Smaktakula

The Devil You Say!

Promethean Times’ semi-regular celebration of illiteracy–we read the headlines and skip the articles.

***

Grandmother Gives Worst ‘Reason’ for Tossing 2-Year-Old Over Mall Balcony ~ Because there are so many good reasons for hurling your grandson to his death.

Ashton Kutcher Cheated on Demi Moore With 2 Girls in Hot Tub on Anniversary ~ Have a little sympathy.  It’s like the prettiest girl in class just woke up from a nightmare to discover she’s married to her mom.

Mississippi man leads anti-illegal-immigrant movement ~ This will undoubtedly harm Mississippi’s reputation as a progressive bastion.

The Many Splendors of Boobs ~ We’re with you on this one.

What’s Not To Like?

Gonorrhea is becoming ‘Incurable’ ~ AIDS, an increasing awareness of sexual harassment and now this.  It sucks to be a college student in 2011.

At 22, Tennessee woman is mom to 13 Ugandan children ~ Tramp.

German officials admit using spyware on citizens ~ A German official said, “Yeah, it’s bad to trample the civil rights of your own people like that.  But hey–we’ve done worse, right?”

Autopsy of 11-Year-Old Celina Cass Has Sad Results ~ We challenge you to find a child’s autopsy with happy results.

Iran plot may signal ominous turn by regime ~Because heretofore those hostage-taking, Holocaust-denying lunatics have been pretty good neighbors.

They’ve Been Known To Let American Guests Stay For Up To 444 Days.

Would NBA players start their own league? ~ No doubt those financial maestros will turn the new enterprise into a gold mine.

Violinists play über-sized fiddle ~ Can you just say ‘large?’

Man Beats His Wife to Death for Understandable Reason ~ You’re going to have to narrow it down a bit.

Don’t Burn Your Baby in the Oven ~ Make sure you set the timer for no more than 15-25 minutes so that it stays pink inside.

How To Tell If Your Son Is Gay ~ Erasure albums.  Even one means the kid’s a homo.

Michael Moore confesses: I am the 1 percent ~ He ate the other 99%.

Still Fat.

Madonna’s brother is homeless ~ Newsflash: Madonna’s a shitty sister.

DOCTORS NOTE SUCCESS WITH ‘FECAL‘ TRANSPLANTS ~ Sometimes the key to saving your life is taking somebody else’s shit.

Spielberg tells Indiana Jones fans: ‘Crystal Skull’ was George’s idea ~ Throwing Lucas under the bus was Steve’s idea.

Geek image deters girls from cybersecurity careers ~ Mommy & Housewife don’t carry that geek image.

Gay rights fight, in Allah’s name ~ You know, just printing the words “Gay” and “Allah” in the same sentence can get you killed.

Despite Islam’s Proscription Against Pork, Some Dudes Have A Hard Time Staying Away From The Sausage.

MORE HEADLINES:

  • Promethean Times Responds To The Headlines
  • Headlines II
  • Headlines III
  • Headlines IV
  • Headlines V
  • Headlines VI
  • Headlines VII
  • Headlines VIII
  • Headlines IX

Nancy Grace’s Exposed Nipple Continues To Horrify

08 Tuesday Nov 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, Culture, Entertainment, News

≈ 6 Comments

Tags

Benny Hill, boobs, breasts, breastuses, Fall of Troy, FCC, honkers, knockers, Nancy Grace, nipple slip, overreaction, psychic trauma, sweater bunnies, sweater kittens, tits, Troy, you'd hit it if you were drunk enough

By Smaktakula

Would You Have Dreamed That A Squirrely Casaba Could Cause So Much Heartbreak?

The psychic trauma resulting from Nancy Grace’s Dancing With The Stars nipple-slip continues to reverberate across the globe.  Grace’s errant ‘Horreola’ has instigated even more collateral damage than previously believed.

As evidence, we point to the dozen or so viewers who have recently written to the FCC complaining about Grace’s slightly exposed knocker.  Among the audience’s grievances were an anger that the dimwitted news personality “displayed her pornographic breast and nipple on national television,” and that the gruesome display  “scared my children.”

The Boob Won't Put Your Eye Out. You'll Do That Yourself.

Promethean Times holds the female breast in the highest regard.  Breasts feed our children, fill out sweaters and parade with surprising frequency through the sweaty imaginations of men, giving America’s male portion of the workforce a regular distraction from the soul-crushing drudgery of work.  Breasts have brought about the Fall of Troy, maintained the popularity of the guitar and made Benny Hill watchable.  They are a force of nearly mystic import, with powers both beneficent and malign.  Nancy Grace appears to have used her breasticular powers for evil, and a scarred public is still paying the price.

Too Little, Too Late.

To Catch A Philanderer

07 Monday Nov 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, Crime, Culture, Entertainment, News

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

cheaters, cheating, Chris Hansen, death by Mrs. Hansen, douchebaggery, entrapment, humiliation on national TV, hypocrisy, infidelity, pederasts, perverts, philanderers, smug pricks, To Catch A Predator

By Smaktakula

"Fellas, Make Sure There's Some Grass On The Field Before You Play Ball."

Smarmy pretend-cop Chris Hansen has been caught cheating on his wife for a second time.  Although we don’t have anything particularly trenchant or witty to say about this, we feel that if you’re gonna pass yourself off as a sanctimonious do-gooder who entraps and then humiliates on national television the guy next door for crimes he has yet to commit, it’s probably best that yours is a life above reproach.

d
A twenty-year-old who has sex with a sixteen-year-old is a rapist.  A fifty-two-year-old married father of two who has sex with that same twenty-year-old is a TV host. ∞ T.

Raping Justin Bieber

04 Friday Nov 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, Crime, Entertainment, News

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

Beliebers, Elmer Fudd, Elmer was asking for it, George Carlin, gold digger, hairless hit factory, hussies, Justin Bieber, Mariah Yeater, Michael Jackson, outright lies, paternity tests, Porky Pig, rape, San Diego, skanks

By Smaktakula

We're Not Saying He Was Asking For It, But Did Justin Really Have To Dress Like That?

I can prove to you that rape is funny.  Picture Porky Pig raping Elmer Fudd.

George Carlin

By her own admission, Mariah Yeater is a predator.  She has repeatedly boasted to anyone who will listen about the events of October 25, 2010, when Yeater says she snatched away a young boy’s innocence, trampling it beneath her Crocs.  Just another San Diego statistic.

Okay, Maybe After A Couple Drinks. We're Not Too Proud To Admit It.

But what happens when the rape victim is hairless hit factory Justin Bieber?  According to Yeater, who was nineteen at the time, she had her way with the underage popstar on “some sort of shelf” backstage, engaging in unprotected sex.  Although the attack lasted only thirty seconds, the damage left in its wake will not be quick in disappearing.  Adding a further layer of pathos to this tragedy, the rapist boasts that prior to the assault, Bieber had been a virgin.

Mariah Yeater: Apparently Justin Bieber Thinks He Can Do Better.

However, more egregious than Yeater’s crime itself is the way the unrepentant skank has behaved in the months following the attack.  By asserting that Bieber’s handlers chose her, plucking Yeater from the crowd and ushering her backstage, the callow hussy is essentially blaming the victim for her crime–the old ‘he was asking for it’ canard.  Moreover, Yeater has apparently produced an offspring, claiming improbably that Bieber’s body is somehow able to produce seminal fluid, and that some portion of that fluid was exchanged to produce the aforementioned child.  Bieber, for whom puberty is still a handful of years away, denies the charges.

michael jackson 6

Like Bieber, This Ancient Egyptian Mummy Knows The Pain Of False Paternity Accusations. Billie Jean Was Not His Lover, But Rather Just A Girl Who Claimed He Was The One. To His Grave He Steadfastly Maintained That The Kid Was Not His Son. SHAMON!

What will happen next is anyone’s guess.  Perhaps Yeater’s claims will be proven correct, and it will be revealed that by some unfathomable combination of perverted science and unholy witchcraft Bieber was able to produce a child through sexual intercourse with a human female, and if so, we pray that Yeater will be charged as a rapist.  Or, as is a lot more likely, Yeater’s justice will come not from the courts, but rather at the end of a rope, a warning to other floozies not to mess with the Beliebers’ beloved.

"Bitch, You Are So Fucking Dead!"

Porky-Pig-Concerned.jpg image by brewsben8

Recalling A Simpler Time When Perverts Made House Calls

31 Monday Oct 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Crime, Culture, News, Stupidity

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

anachronisms, Brody Hall, Corry, dingus, exhibitionism, flashers, full Monty, genitals, intoxication, junk, man-meat, Pennsylvania, pervertry, perverts, public nudity, your mother must be very proud

By Smaktakula

Exposing Your Junk To Perfect Strangers Is A Time-Honored American Tradition.

The modern world changes with such baffling rapidity that innovations in technology, fashion and language are transforming yesterday into an unrecognizable anachronism.  The information age has rendered obsolete the newspaper, the personal letter and the DMV.  Thanks to the plethora of pornography available at a keystroke, even the naked human body has become a curious relic of a bygone age.  Pennsylvania pervert Brody Hall made a game effort to turn back the clock on our cynical era by returning some of nudity’s whimsicality and sense of fun.  But like so many other gentle dreamers, Hall found himself crushed beneath the weight  of an impersonal, uncaring societal juggernaut.

A devotee of the lost art of flashing, Hall treated his hometown of Corry, Pennsylvania with an up-close-and-personal view of the young man’s dingus.  After ensuring that he was sufficiently liquored up, Hall knocked on random doors throughout the forgotten backwater, rewarding those who answered with a full Monty.  Hall later explained that his intentions were to “scare the children.”

Your Mother Must Be Very Proud.

But as with so many lofty goals, Hall’s plans met with an insurmountable obstacle: an uncaring, anesthetized society with no time for such old-timey foolishness.   So it was that Hall’s luck ran out when he unknowingly displayed his genitals to Corry’s chief of police, who wasted no time in bringing an end to the exploits of the dangling do-gooder.

The local authorities contend that society is safer without being forced to regard Hall’s waggling man-meat, and perhaps they’re correct.  Maybe there’s no longer any room in this age of instant gratification for a charming relic of yesteryear like the flasher.  Still, society owes a debt to men like Brody Hall.  Thanks to small core of dedicated craftsmen who continue to practice exhibitionism, a charmingly anachronistic piece of our heritage is being preserved for posterity.

Horatio Coxswain, The Legendary 'Marysville Masher,' Was Famous For Exposing Himself While Riding A Bicycle.

Al Qaeda: Surprisingly Sensitive

25 Tuesday Oct 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Crime, Culture, History, News, Politics

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

9/11, al Qaeda, anti-semitism, Axis of Evil, comical despots, George W. Bush, Holocaust, inside job, Iran, Israel, jealousy, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is batshit crazy, Pearl Harbor, places that suck, Saddam Hussein, Saddam totally did it, Smaktakula's distrust of short people, The Great Satan, Twin Towers, United States of America, Yakov Smirnoff

By Smaktakula

Ahmadinejad Resembles Comedian Yakov Smirnoff, But The Similarities End There: The Iranian President Is Actually Quite Funny.

Tiny nutjob Mahmoud Ahmadinejad can always be counted on to publicly propound a plethora of preposterous political theories and irresponsible historical revisionism.  Over the years, Iran’s pint-sized potentate has kept his many apologists busy explaining away such bellicose assertions as “Israel must be wiped off the map,” and tired claims that the Holocaust is a Jewish fiction. Ahmadinejad’s statements regarding the events of September 11th, 2001, the catalyst for the United States’ War on Terror, have left his defenders scrambling, and have unexpectedly invited criticism from within the Axis of Evil.

Like so many others before him, Ahmadinejad likes to make hay with the idea that the horrific events of September 11th, 2001 were an inside job.  This theory has gained some traction among the mouth-breathing element of the population, embarrassingly eager to believe George W. Bush the evil genius behind the sinister machinations.  Promethean Times has long asserted that the actual culprit behind the Twin Tower Attacks was the nefarious Saddam Hussein.

Sooner Or Later, Everything Turns Out To Be An Inside Job.

Jewish groups have long met with opprobrium Ahmadinejad’s anti-Semitic rants and repeated calls for the destruction of Israel, but now factions within the Islamofascist community have begun to chafe under Ahmadinejad’s comments.  It seems that the boys in al Qaeda–Ahmadinejad’s erstwhile allies in despising anything Western or fun–have a bone to pick with the pint-sized Persian.

The feared international terrorist organization has grown weary of Ahmadinejad’s constantly blaming the United States for the events of 9/11.  Al Qaeda wants to make it very clear, that they–and not a sinister cabal within the United States–planned and executed the tragedy.  Al Qaeda claims that the Iranian president–who most observers agree would piss himself to inflict upon the Great Satan just a tenth of what al Qaeda was able to achieve– is deliberately misattributing their historic actions to an internal American plot for no reason other than simple jealousy.

Let's Give Credit Where Credit Is Due.

Kidnappers Of Lindbergh Baby Revealed To Be Wall Street Fatcats

21 Friday Oct 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Crime, Culture, Culture, News, Politics, Stupidity

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

Bruno Hauptmann, Charles Lindbergh, Charles Lindbergh Jr., corporate welfare, fatcats, feudalism, Krauts, Lindbergh Baby, Lindbergh Kidnapping, meow!, patsies, Wall Street

By Smaktakula

Recent revelations prove conclusively that famed kraut patsy Bruno Hauptmann–who maintained his innocence until his execution in 1936–was unjustly convicted in the infamous Lindbergh Baby Case.

"Restore Feudalism Or The Baby Dies!"

 What do we want?  Corporate welfare!  When do we want it? Meow! ∞T.

LiLo’s Got The Meth Mouth

18 Tuesday Oct 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, Crime, Culture, Entertainment, News

≈ 1 Comment

Tags

Celebrity Death Watch, Deep Throat, Flower of American Skankhood, irresponsible allegations, LiLo, Lindsay Lohan, meth, meth mouth, methamphetamine, rotting teeth, skanks, you got a real purty mouth

By Smaktakula

You Know You're Famous When Forgetting To Brush Your Teeth Causes A Minor Media Sensation.

True? False? That’s what the gossip sites are reporting, anyway. More accurately, they’re claiming that the self-destructing former starlet and Flower of American Skankhood has a mouth full of rotting teeth, from which Promethean Times irresponsibly infers that said condition is a consequence of snorting* great big piles of methamphetamine.

Or it could just be improper hygiene. Remembering to brush after meals can help to preserve healthy teeth for a lifetime. Sadly, LiLo has yet to demonstrate that she can inculcate positive habits into her life, having been “fired” from her community service work at Skid Row Woman’s Shelter. A few months ago, Promethean Times opined of Ms. Lohan, “the time to hit that is now.” Sadly, it appears that the time to hit that has passed.

* Meth can also be smoked or taken intravenously. Promethean Times alleges that Ms. Lohan rubs it into cuts. ∞ T.

KanyOccupy

12 Wednesday Oct 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, Culture, News, Politics, Stupidity

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

bling, Central Park, hip-hop, Kanye West, lip-service, New York, Occupy, Sex Pistols, the wealthy are just plain evil, Wall Street, Why am I so stupid?

By Smaktakula

Hip-hop megastar-cum-supergenius Kanye West lends some sober dignity and political gravitas to the Occupy photo-op.

Kanye, Seen Here Shortly After Landing His Bling-Encrusted Private Jet In Central Park, Wants To Encourage Other Gazillionaires To Follow His Example By Paying Lip-Service.

Don’t know what we want, but we know how to get it. ∞T.

Edgy Weirdo Reaching Out To Community Children

12 Wednesday Oct 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, News

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

Chehalis, creepy old perverts, Eastern Bloc, edgy drifter, Interstate 5, Lewis County, Washington State, weirdos, you suck so bad Lewis County so so bad

By Smaktakula

Chehalis, Washington: Newly arrived resident Stavros Livskutchk intends to embrace the Lewis County spirit by spending time with local kids.  The rangy drifter, who says he hails from “an Eastern Bloc country which no longer exists,” has taken residence at the KOA Kampground off Interstate 5.  Starting Sunday, Livskutchk is offering boys and girls twelve and under free rides in the trunk of his spacious ’92 Buick Skylark.  Preference will be given to runaways and children from broken homes.

"For First Kids Comink, Stavros Give Free Pöpzci. Is Like Pepsi. You Trink It Vit Your Mouth."

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