18 Monday Jul 2011
Tags
Anaheim Angels, Baseball, California, California Angels, Disneyland, lame baseball teams, Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim, Magic Kingdom, Mickey Mouse, the Devil, this day in history, tragic kingdom
On which the Devil manifests as a rodent and brings his unholy kingdom to earth.
Unsure Of Whether To Use His Massive Profits To Cure Cancer Or To Buy The World's Lamest Baseball Team.
15 Friday Jul 2011
Tags
beaver, Catherine Kieu Becker, childish sexual innuendo, domestic abuse, John Wayne Bobbitt, Lorena Gallo Bobbitt, mutilation, penis, porn, porn oddity, severed penis, sex crimes, shredded beef, tallywhacker snatchers
If There's One Lesson Life Teaches You, It's That The Biggest Threat To Wood Comes From The Beaver.
Lop-dicked loser John Wayne Bobbitt can thank his lucky stars that his wife wasn’t as smart–or as ruthless– as Garden Grove California’s Catherine Kieu Becker. Bobbitt, it will be remembered, was such an abusive asshole that his wife Lorena sliced off his penis and threw it in a field. After hours of surgery, the dick’s dick was reattached, and he went on to have a minor career as a porn oddity.
Losing His Penis Didn't Make Bobbitt Any Less Of A Dick, Just Less Of A Man.
But Becker was no amateur; she ensured that her estranged husband would rue forever the day he incurred her wrath. Like Bobbitt, Becker sliced off her husband’s penis, using a ten-inch knife. But rather than just leave the severed pecker somewhere it might possibly be found and reattached, Becker ran her husband’s manhood through the garbage disposal before calling 911.
Sometimes, Even When She's Wrong, The Best Thing To Do Is To Apologize.
Although several penis-chunks were recovered, doctors were unable to reattach the ruined Johnson. It is hoped that Becker’s husband will be made whole again when medical science advances to such a degree that a few grams of shredded beef can be restored to its former condition as a fully-functional sexual organ.
Ouch.
14 Thursday Jul 2011
Tags
alcohol, alcohol solves all of life's problems, bad parents, black people, Casey Anthony, Caylee Anthony, death threats, Facebook, getting away with murder, infanticide, men, mistaken identity, murderers, stupid people, thanks a lot mom, unfortunate names, unpunished, white people, women
Attention idiots: you may be threatening the wrong Casey Anthony.
It's Totally Okay To Hate Her. It Feels Pretty Good, Doesn't It?
The public is pretty upset about last week’s jury decision clearing accused child-murderess Casey Anthony of all but the most minor charges. Most people find an appropriate outlet for this rage, such as Facebook status updates or in the Lethe-like powers of alcohol. Some, however, express their animus through inappropriate displays like death threats.
Sadly, all those death threats don’t always find their intended targets. As it turns out, that there are one or two other Casey Anthonys running around out there. One of these is Casey Anthony of Darby, Pennsylvania, who has recently been receiving death threats from well-meaning, but moronic members of the public. This Casey Anthony, if people had bothered to check, is a dude–a goateed, bald black dude, who in fact bears only a passing resemblance to the clean-shaven, fully folliculate, infanticidal white chick.
Look, Color-Blindness And Gender Neutrality Have Their Place, But Don't Be An Idiot.
To make matters worse for ‘Good’ Casey, he’s not the only member of his family to have the name. It turns out that two of his sons are also named Casey Anthony.
Wait. What?
13 Wednesday Jul 2011
Tags
Arab Spring, comical despots, empty threats, Libya, Muammar al-Gaddafi, paper tiger, places that suck, Sarlacc, that trick never works, Tombstone, Tripoli, tyrannical dickheads
When oil-rich backwater Libya was caught up in the so-called ‘Arab Spring’ in late February, it seemed only a matter of time before unrepentant dickhead Muammar al-Gaddafi would be deposed and shortly thereafter executed, his leathery carcass cast into the Sarlacc pit while a new and equally despotic regime arose to take his place. It would appear, however, that this analysis grossly underestimates the sand-despot’s ability to cling tenaciously to power like a tick nestled against a dog’s belly. He’s still there.
"Are You Gonna Do Something, Or Just Stand There And Bleed? Go On, Skin That Smokewagon!"
12 Tuesday Jul 2011
Tags
Amnesty International, bacon, bacon attack, Bacon is evil!, bad grandparents, bad kids, child abuse, Clinton Heights, Evil Ones, gingers, Granny Gitmo, Guantanamo Bay, Marilee Ann Kolynych, nanny state, parental rights, Pennsylvania, Problem Child, wakeboarding, waterboarding
Granny Gitmo
Clinton Heights, Pennsylvania, has joined that growing list of places where parents are legally prohibited from disciplining their own children as they see fit. 63-year-old grandmother Marilee Ann Kolynych learned this the hard way when she sought to teach her grandson a lesson about gluttony.
Kolynych has apparently long prided herself in taking an active role in raising her grandchildren. So, one morning when her grandson proved too rapacious at breakfast, consuming a few extra slices of bacon, Kolynych took matters into her own hands. Kolynych chased the boy into the yard and forced him to the ground, while beating him about the arms and legs and spraying him full in the face with a garden hose.
You Don't Think This Kid Deserves It? Maybe Just A Little?
Although the boy was not seriously harmed during the pre-lunch assault, and will certainly think twice in the future before snatching an extra piece of breakfast meat, Kolynych was arrested the following day. She is now free on bail.
We Get Waterboarding And Wakeboarding Mixed Up. Which Is The Fun One Again?
Activists on both sides of this issue are studying Kolynych’s ordeal with great interest. Some agree with the prosecution that the Guantanamo Granny’s actions constitute abuse, and hope that Kolynych will receive a fitting punishment. However, many others feel that American parents are slowly losing the right to discipline their own children.
Promethean Times agrees with these beleaguered parents. Is it not enough that we can no longer use waterboarding techniques to extract recipes and childhood memories from the Evil Ones? Not content to stop there, the courts now see fit to strip this age-old right from parents.
Even Amnesty International Doesn't Have A Problem With Waterboarding If Your Child Is A Ginger.
08 Friday Jul 2011
Tags
douchebaggery, Kansas City, mashers, Melvin L. Jackson, Missouri, molestation, pervertry, sex crimes, sexual assault, stupid criminals, WTF?, you got a real purty mouth
Seriously, Where Can You Go To Meet Nice Girls Nowadays?
No one will argue that attempting to sexually assault an unconscious woman on a city sidewalk in broad daylight is not only breathtakingly callous, but utterly moronic as well. Yet apparently, that’s just what one man did.
"Were I To Do It All Again, I Imagine I Would Take Better Care To Ascertain That The Victim Was Truly Dead Before Deciding To Embark Upon A Course Of Molestation."
But what separates 48-year-old ne’er-do-well Melvin L Jackson of Kansas City, Mo, from the rank-and-file masher is the novel excuse he provided to the authorities upon being caught in the act. The reason for his heinous shenanigans, Jackson assured the police, was because he assumed the helpless woman was dead, adding that sexually assaulting an unconscious woman was “simply disgusting.”
"Hey Girl--You're Kinda Quiet. That's Okay, I Don't Like Talking All That Much."
08 Friday Jul 2011
Tags
bunglers, child molesters, clowns, creepy old perverts, douchebaggery, even Jesus thinks Fred Phelps sucks, groping, hated organizations, idiots, inappropriate activity, incompetent boobery, pederasts, pervertry, Reverend Fred Phelps, short eyes, Transportation Security Administration, TSA, Westboro Baptist Church
Ridiculously Low Pay And The Opportunity To Surreptitiously Grope Strangers Is A Surefire Way To Attract The Best And Brightest.
Given the several recent high-profile blunders by employees of the Transportation Security Administration, their already low standing in the community has plummeted even further, dropping their societal acceptance ratings below even sweaty, giggling child molesters, long regarded as society’s bottom-feeders. TSA employees can take a dubious comfort in knowing that although they are the most reviled and lowest-paid drones in all of the transportation industry, excluding perhaps Bombay rickshaw-wallahs, the TSA is at least as well-regarded as are the screaming jackals of the Westboro Baptist Church.
"I Don't Care Much For The TSA, Myself."
Feel That The Total Lack Of Privacy And Myriad Degradations Of TSA Checkpoints Just Aren't Worth It.
"The TSA's Crude Recklessness Gives Honest Pervertry A Bad Name."
"Hey,--Don't Lump Us In With Those Assholes!"
07 Thursday Jul 2011
Tags
Baseball, Brooklyn Dodgers, Canadians don't play baseball, carpetbaggers, Delino DeShields, douchebaggery, Frank McCourt, Los Angeles Dodgers, MLB, Montreal Expos, Omegadouche, Pedro Martinez, short people, short people are plain evil!, Smaktakula's distrust of short people, worst trade ever
110% Evil.
Carpetbagging Bostonian Frank McCourt likes to live large. Despite his complete lack of merit or any trace of human decency, the most recent owner of the Los Angeles Dodgers has managed to achieve superlativeness in at least one regard: very few individuals in the long and storied history of sporting douchebaggery have managed in such a short time to equal his astounding advancements in the field.
The improvident runt has brought financial ruin upon the Dodgers, universally regarded as the greatest franchise in the history of baseball, and perhaps in all of sport. Making matters worse, his actions have almost certainly precipitated the team’s takeover by Major League Baseball, casting a century-old Los Angeles tradition* into the same Losers’ Club as the likes of the Montreal Expos.
To Better Understand The Comparison, Imagine That Your Bottled Water Was Secretly Replaced With Berry-Flavored Goat Piss.
Already ignominiously linked to the now-defunct Expos through one of the worst trades in franchise history, which occurred before McCourt’s arrival on the scene, the Dodgers have now replaced them as the MLB’s poor relation. For that, among so many heinous crimes, Frank McCourt is truly Lord of the Douches.
Delino DeShields Ended Up Being Pretty Good Too.
06 Wednesday Jul 2011
Tags
Carrot Top, Celebrity Roast, Charlie Sheen, Charlie Sheen is a drugged-out wifebeater, Charlie Sheen Will Never Escape The Brat Pack's Terrible Event Horizon, Comedy Central, Corey Feldman, Fel-Dog, Pauly Shore
It Should Be A Real Treat To Hear Some Jokes At Charlie Sheen's Expense.
No, Roasted. We thought it said Toasted at first, too. Degenerate punchline Charlie Sheen has been tapped for an upcoming Comedy Central Celebrity Roast.
Comedy Central’s search for an ‘honoree’ willing to subject him or herself to the always-brutal-but-increasingly-unfunny roasts has apparently become desperate. In selecting the crumbling former entertainer to anchor the two or so hours of televised nastiness, Comedy Central shows that no matter how thoroughly you scrub the toilet, the toughest grime clings tenaciously to the porcelain.
su·per·flu·ous
[soo-pur-floo-uh
s] –adjective
1. being more than is sufficient or required; excessive.2. unnecessary or needless.3. Obsolete . possessing or spending more than enough or necessary; extravagant.
"I Don't Get It."
Some other big Hollywood stars yet to be given their own roast:
Scheduling Conflict. Starring In Lifetime TV Version Of "Mask: The Rocky Dennis Story."
Still Looking For That Damn Jacket.
"I Told Them I'd Do It For Free, But Nobody's Called Me Yet."
05 Tuesday Jul 2011
Tags
bad decisions, chicken, cocaine, coke, drugs, Florida, guns, idiots, multitasking, perfect storm of stupidity, police car, poor judgement, Shawn Smith, Why am I so stupid?
He's Right To Look Dejected: The Man's A Fucking Idiot.
On June 10th, 2011, a perfect storm of stupidity caught luckless moron Shawn Smith in its pitiless grasp. Smith’s troubles began when his car nearly collided with a police car, leading to a traffic stop. The cataclysmically-retarded Floridian no doubt regrets the erratic driving caused in no small part by his failure to maintain control of his automobile while engaged in a spirited cell phone conversation and enjoying a delicious chicken dinner. He likely also regrets the pile of cocaine and the multiple handguns which the cop subsequently found in his vehicle.
Cocaine: It Can Make You Do Stupid Shit.
Promethean Times 