Category Archives: National Events

CNN Refuses To Forget About Ted Stevens

10 Tuesday Aug 2010

Posted by in Culture, History, National Events, People, Politics, Scandal

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By Smaktakula

CNN’s piece, Former Sen. Ted Stevens Remembered, proves that even though the world has known of his death for a few hours now, he’s by no means forgotten.

Reportedly Very Pleased To Be Wrapped In The Warm Glow Of Nostalgia Accorded To The Recently Dead. He Would Appreciate If You Would Kindly Forget About The Corruption And Calling The Internet "A Series Of Tubes."

Not What You Were Looking For? Episode Three: The Search For Cock

09 Monday Aug 2010

Posted by in Baseball, Crime, Critters, Culture, Drug Culture, General Foolishness, Music, People, Race, Sports, World Affairs

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By Smaktakula

Presenting the third installment in our wildly popular series: Not What You Were Looking For?  In which we list some of the search engine terms (indicated in bold) by which you found us, and for which you should rightly be ashamed. 

You might also enjoy Still Not What You Were Looking For?  Conversely, you might really dislike it.  It’s not for us to decide.

promeethean times  And wee’re off!

cock riders  The preferred term is Weekend Motorcycle Club.

unemployment lazy   Yeah, folks weren’t too crazy about that one.

skankist  You’ll want to keep your eye out for our upcoming multi-part expose on skankism, ‘Skanks In The Crosshairs,” appearing some time in the next few weeks.  In the meantime, please enjoy.

sexy dick in mouth non  Oui!

obama rethinking marijuana  Will he rethink that rap video?

be glad you’re not that guy   Oh, we are.

sexy man spaghetti  Um.

anti george sherrill  You’ll find a home here, friend.

jay bush bean prison  If he’s not on the lookout for canine chicanery, Jay Bush might very well end his days in a Mexican jail.  And for Duke, the glue factory.

athretes  Their parents taste rearry, rearry good.

michael lohan cock  Isn’t he though?

fred phelps secret  The secret is that he’s a raging homo.

fat people running  Hmm, there’s something about this . . .

children running of the bulls spain   . . . and this, that gives Smaktakula hope that with some creative thinking, America might someday lick its little obesity problem. 

donkey cock   Are we naive to believe that you’re an early Eighties video game enthusiast with comically poor spelling?

walt stoelting blog  Sorry, Comrade–You’re thinking of Walt’s blog, Ruminations of a Junkie for Politics, or as we call it around here, Confessions of an America-Hating Man-Jezebel.

wyclef jean val jean bernard aristide  Oh, very clever.  We see what you did, combining future and former Haitian presidents Wyclef Jean and Jean Bernard Aristide with Jean Valjean, the doomed protagonist of Victor Hugo’s 19th Century French masterpiece, Les Miserables.  Actually, that is pretty clever.  And pointless.

pauly shore weed  It would explain a lot.

safe horse fuck movies  We know what all four of those words mean, but they don’t seem to work as a quartet.

miley cyrus delusional  Totally.

abigail folger  Isn’t she the young lady Tiger banged as an undergraduate at Stanford?

olive garden people   They’re not people.  THE FOOD IS PEOPLE! Oh, wait–no, sorry; the food is crap.  We were thinking of Soylent Green.

the violence and madness of arab muslim  Sounds like you’ve got your title all picked out.  We can’t help you.

nurses with dreadlocks Uh huh.  Good . . . very good.  Okay, now tell us what they’re wearing.  TELL US WHAT THEY’RE WEARING!

beautiful dreadlock guy  He’s not blond, we can tell you that much.

pakistani penis  Unfortunately, we’re out of that particular link.  How about some Turkish Tool?  No?  Mauritanian Meat-Sword?

elderly remote  Old people should not be allowed to handle the remote. 

penis in bosses mouth   Shh. Hush now, Boss.  Smaktakula isn’t paying you to talk.

dirty mullet  Is there any other kind?

happy thoughts  Happy to oblige! 

drugged raver  Fish in a barrel, man.  Fish in a barrel.

lorena bobbit and bull penis  We’re unclear as to what you hoped to find.  No, that’s quite all right–we don’t need to understand.

live aid  Damn it, Freddie Mercury, we hope you die! . . .What?  He did?  How? . . . Oh . . . Oh God, no. Why doesn’t anybody tell us about these things?  We’re so, so sorry.

asshole hairstyles   So do you mean . . .?  No, we’re sure you mean hairstyles that make you look like an asshole.  Pretty sure.

k2 inhalants  Thanks to Chinese technological know-how and the can-do spirit of the sweatshop, stoners now have a legal chemical alternative by which to get their fix.

black man cock  Really?  In 2010?  Promethean Times doesn’t judge a man by the color of his penis.  We do judge by length and thickness, however.  You have been warned.

vagina  Okay, this one’s a fake.   It’s just that all the Promethean penii make Smaktakula a tad insecure, and he wants to assure you he is such a virile He-Man that the all the pipes on his vast estate flow not with water, but rather with hot and cold running chicks.

Promethean Times thanks you, the lonely Internet phallophiliac, for making us America’s fastest-growing CockBlog!

Facebook Probably Isn’t Looking For Us Either. But Screw Them. Do You Sheeple Always Do What You’re Told?

This Day In History: August 9, 1945 CE

09 Monday Aug 2010

Posted by in Asia, Crime, Culture, History, International Relations, Justice, Military, Mythology, Relationships, Social Networking, World Affairs

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On which OH FOR THE LOVE OF GOD! AGAIN!  AGAIN WITH THE BOMBING!  WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE?

Okay. Now We're Done.

Truman’s Momentous Decision Explained

06 Friday Aug 2010

Posted by in Asia, History, International Relations, Justice, Military, Mythology, People, Social Networking, World Affairs

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By Smaktakula

The decision could not have been one which Harry S Truman undertook lightly.  Having held the nation’s highest office for only a few months, Truman was faced with an ugly choice, the implications of which would reverberate more forcefully throughout history than any other presidential decision before or since.

"Once The Japanese See This Beauty At Work, They'll Be Lining Up To Surrender. The Second One's Just In Case."

With the War in Europe having finally worn to a bloody close, America’s attention at last turned to her enemies in the Far East.  Despite recent military setbacks and the capitulation of their German allies, Japanese morale remained high.  Tojo’s soldiers were tenacious, almost fanatically indefatigable, traits that earned them the grudging respect of their American counterparts.  Given that these troops, aided by militias and civilians, would now be fighting in mutual defense of their island home ensured that any outcome was bound to be messy.

The Theory Of Moral Relativity: You Can't Break A Few Eggs Without Making An Omelette.

In the end, Truman faced two unpalatable options.  The first, initially the more painful of the two, would require the larger up-front payment in American blood and treasure.   The Allied troops would be given the unenviable task of fighting their way onto entrenched beaches which would make the reception they received at Normandy look like France’s defense of its homeland in 1940.

Once the Allied forces managed to establish a  beachhead, they would then be forced to fight their way through to the island’s interior.  The invaders would be resisted at every step, resulting in a series of bloody actions and guerilla attacks in a gruelling war of attrition.  By the time the allied forces took Tokyo, they would have left in their wake an ocean of dead GIs, with legions of maimed young heroes sent home to an increasingly war-weary American public.  Victory could be won, but at a terrible cost.

The second choice would initally appear to be the easier of the two.  Howev–

"Easy Option! Easy Option!"

This Day In History: August 6, 1945 CE

06 Friday Aug 2010

Posted by in Asia, History, International Relations, Justice, Military, Mythology, Politics, Relationships, World Affairs

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On which Hiro Okada has the shittiest birthday ever.

"Fuuuuuck Yooooou, Juro!"

 “Yeah, my apartment is trashed.  I’m gonna go crash at my sister’s place in Nagasaki for a few days.”

Sweet Lady Meg

05 Thursday Aug 2010

Posted by in Culture, Drug Culture, Drugs, General Foolishness, National Events, Prison Culture

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By Smaktakula

In years past, degenerate types seeking a new high would have to work for it.  Forced either to rely on the often-dubious advice of older siblings or else trust their luck to trial and error, this avenue of experimentation was open only to the most jaded wastrel.             

Moreover, these methods also helped to maintain society’s delicate equilibrium, relying upon natural selection to thin out the ranks of these cognonauts.  A great many burnouts had to suffer exquisitely painful deaths before one finally stuck his tongue to the correct toad.

The Toad's Conundrum: Are You Tripping Balls Or Dying Horribly From Neurotoxic Shock?

Thanks to the pernicious influence of the Internet, even good kids can fall victim to the allure of instant gratification and readily attainable thrills.  Much has been made of huffing, and the deadly highs which beckon from the colorful bottles under the sink.                

But while America’s attention is diverted by the lurid dangers of Pine-Sol, who’s watching the spice rack?               

The Brown Lady: The Love She Offers Is Only An Illusion; Her Heart Is Black And Full Of Nutmeg.

Thanks to the ubiquity of instant media, today’s would-be druggie is no longer likely to be a college sophomore reading  The Autobiography of Malcom X the first time he discovers the hidden threat in every home.  Nutmeg is an hallucinogen.              

Sometimes referred to as ‘the Spice,’ ‘Margaret,’ ‘Sweet Lady Meg,’ or just ‘Meg,’ nutmeg can induce hallucinations if taken in sufficient quantities.  However, most law enforcement organizations don’t consider it much of a threat, citing its  low-energy, long-delayed high, and noting that Meg’s effects are best experienced in conjunction with other psychoactive drugs, such as marijuana. 

“Plus,” says ‘Eric,’ a sixteen-year old Meghead, “It tastes like ass.”              

0.2 Oz Indonesian Fine. Street Value: $3.65

Despite nutmeg’s relatively low popularity as a recreational drug, some parents feel it puts at risk America’s most vulnerable children: those too incompetent or lazy to shoplift a bottle of Robitussin DM from Rite-Aid.

A-Rod Becomes Only Second Douche To Reach 600 Home Runs

04 Wednesday Aug 2010

Posted by in Baseball, Crime, Culture, Games, General Foolishness, History, National Events, People, Sports

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By Smaktakula

A-Rod trails legendary cocksucker Barry Bonds on the all-time MLB list for home runs hit by a douche.  

La Ducha Grande

Something Must Be Done About Blond Guys With Dreadlocks

04 Wednesday Aug 2010

Posted by in Crime, Culture, General Foolishness, Race, Relationships

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By Smaktakula

Race has always been a contentious topic, never more so than in today’s overcharged, media-driven fishbowl.  Issues of cultural heritage are similarly sensitive.  A longstanding and often-fiery debate continues over the question of whether the cultural properties of a race are best kept within the purview of that specific culture, or whether these formerly cultural properties be adopted by the greater culture at large to reach their full significance, thereby risking dilution.

If You Find Yourself Asking, "Why Do Dreadlocks Look Great On This Guy, But Make Me Look Like An Asshole?", Take A Few Deep Breaths And Do Your Best Not To Swallow Your Own Tongue. Promethean Times Is Here To Help.

There are no easy answers to this question, and we will not attempt any here.  Instead, can we all agree right now that blond guys need to stop wearing their hair in dreadlocks?

It Should Not Be. How Can A Loving God Let This Happen?

Promethean Times fails to see the appeal in going through life with a filthy piece of macramé clinging to your scalp.  It would appear that nature agrees with our dim assessment of the hairstyle’s aesthetic value, based on the dubious quality of the soupy pool from which these bipedal lhasa apsos are forced to choose their mates.  There are certainly more hygienic ways to attract a mate, and lacking a hairstyle that readily identifies you as a douchebag greatly increases your potential to perform intercourse with a partner who has both an established pattern of bathing and at least a nodding acquaintance with a razor.

At Least These Two Aren't Spreading Their Aberrant Chromosomes Among The Normals.

There is a danger here more insidious than simply looking like a dickhead.  Although cultural watchdogs are particularly vigilant against cultural theft, no one is guarding against the danger that more insipid elements of white culture will find their way into black culture.  Witness this disturbing back-door attempt to introduce the mullet into Rastafarian culture:

Curiously, Smaktakula Feels In No Way Hypocritical In Wanting To Beat This Punk's Lily-White Ass.

No blond man, no matter how good-looking, has ever been anything other than a pitiable clown buried under a snarl of dreads.  Anyone who thinks that he might be the blond Philosopher’s Stone, gifted with the miraculous ability to transform shit into chic, is dangerously deluded.  Unfortunately, until these misguided souls accept that cool-looking dreadlocks are forever denied them,* the rest of us will have to suffer these flesh-and-blood Raggedy Andys.

*And you can forget about not looking like an asshole while fast-dancing.

Happy Thoughts For Tuesday: Thank God Michael Lohan Isn’t Your Dad

03 Tuesday Aug 2010

Posted by in Cinema, Culture, Drug Culture, Drugs, General Foolishness, Hollywood, National Events, People, Relationships, Scandal, Social Networking, Television

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By Smaktakula

In the tradition of such illustrious space-wasters as Brian “Kato” Kaelin and Kevin “K-Fed” Federline, unctuous pimp Michael Lohan has managed to keep food in his belly by crafting a persona famous for being semi-famous.  Lohan, no doubt a subscriber to the maxim, “All Roads Lead To Branson,” evinces no embarrassment that his appropriated “career” is supported only by clinging pathetically to his out-of-control offspring with all the tenacity and class of a Calcutta fare-dodger.

Lohan: Not A Homosexual, But A Massive Gaywad Nonetheless.

With Lohan’s bottom bitch in rehab following a short stint in jail, the talentless remora’s earning power has been drastically curtailed.  Typically, a cockroach will exhaust all means of escape when caught by surprise on a brightly lit kitchen floor. Periplaneta lohanis, a rare but particularly unpleasant sub-species, displays a markedly perverse tendency to do the opposite.  Rather than flee, Lohan is attracted to anything bright and shiny, scurrying from spotlight to spotlight in a desperate effort to wring every last drop from his fifteen minutes of unearned notoriety.

In a recent interview Lohan gushed, “I definitely blame myself and take responsibility for where my daughter is.”  It is extremely unlikely that Lohan would be so quick to take responsibility for his daughter’s actions if doing so carried with it any consequences.  However, since soul-searching self-recrimination costs Lohan nothing, and is unlikely to deprive him of his freedom, he can use it as a sop to the five or six people who have somehow managed to convince themselves that this leering cretin has in any way his daughter’s interests at heart.

Bonding With The Progeny: Bitch Better Have My Money.

It is certainly true that Lohan, abetted by his despicable ex-wife Dina, was a thoroughly shitty parent, and Promethean Times would like nothing better than to assign to Lohan the blame not only for the ruination of his own daughter, but also for such varied disasters as the kidnapping of the Lindbergh Baby, the Challenger Explosion, and greenlighting  New Coke.

Moreover, you can bet that no one holds Michael Lohan more responsible for the former starlet’s wretched condition than does his daughter, who has demonstrated a nearly sociopathic refusal to accept responsibility for her actions.  Nonetheless, it must generally be agreed that at some point a 24-year old woman is responsible for her own disastrous choices. With only two or three years at most left to live, Lindsay would be well-served to spend her remaining days judiciously.  Although such an outcome is unlikely, the younger Lohan can be thankful at least that her father cannot live her life for her.

Reminiscent Of Kapra's 'It's A Wonderful Life,' Lindsay Is Given The Opportunity To See What Her Father's Life Would Be Like If She Had Never Been Born.

Despite his staggering lack of either merit or talent, Michael Lohan stands head and shoulders above the teeming legions of Hollywood hangers-on.  It’s no feat to be hated by your ex-wife, and neither does the animosity directed at Lohan by his own offspring set him apart from rank-and-file deadbeats throughout the world.  Rather, it  is his perverse compulsion to share with the world through the miracle of the 24-hour news cycle his complete and utter failure as a father, husband and human being that catapults Michael Lohan into stratospheric company among the world’s elite paragons of cretinous douchebaggery.

Everything Suddenly Coming Up Promethean Times

02 Monday Aug 2010

Posted by in Cinema, Culture, Duh, General Foolishness, Hollywood, Music, National Events, People, Relationships, Television

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A Very Special Message From Smaktakula

Much like human papillomavirus in America’s high schools, Promethean Times is pretty hard to avoid these days.                            

Thanks, Formerly Promising 90's Alternative Icon And Cataclysmically-Retarded, Silicone-Infused Temporary Wife! We're Excited Too!

Find Promethean Times At                             

WWW.PROMETHEANTIMES.COM                               

For our elderly or intellectually disinclined readers:  Don’t get excited; the old address will still take you where you want to go.                               

Join the Promethean Cadre on Facebook.                              

Not telling your Facebook friends about Promethean Times is tantamount to admitting you don’t really have any friends.                              

                       

Now that Promethean Times tweets, Twitter is culturally relevant.  Follow Promethean Times on Twitter.             

The cruel remark about not having any friends if you don’t spread the Promethean Gospel applies to Twitter as well, in the unlikely event that there remained any lingering ambiguity.                              

  

"GLEEBUL FUM! Promethean Times. HUURRR..."

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