Tag Archives: Terrorism

Whose Pro-Life Is It, Anyway?

27 Sunday May 2012

Posted by in Culture, News, Science, Stupidity

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By Smaktakula

If Your Politics Begin And End With Abortion, You Just May Be A Hypocrite.

In so many instances an American’s political allegiance boils down to his or her opinions on abortion.  It makes a certain sense for someone who feels strongly enough about a single issue to be attracted to the political party which shares that view.  A darker corollary is proving increasingly true: more people than ever seem to modify their beliefs on the so-called sanctity of life based on the political party to which they are affiliated.

The foes of legal abortion tend to be Republicans, while those who favor at least some access to abortions align themselves with the Democrats.  The former call themselves pro-life, and the latter pro-choice. The  pro-life and pro-choice movements have tags for one another as well, pro-abortion and anti-choice.

Some Dudes Paradoxically Believe That Self-Emasculation Is Sexy.

That’s quite a bit of name-calling between two groups who, based upon their core tenets, are both pretty hypocritical.  The names these groups give to themselves show how they would like to be perceived as champions of life or of a woman’s freedom to choose her destiny.  In the same spirit, both groups labor diligently to portray themselves as champions against an unspeakable evil.  However, upon closer examination, it seems that both sides tend to go a little fuzzy when it comes to ideological consistency.

Little Girls Play Dress-Up. College Girls (And A Handful Of Bitter Spinsters) Play “I’m Gonna Change The World.”

The most zealous among the Pro-Choice movement do not consider a fetus to be human until it is viable outside the womb, typically late in the third trimester.  This despite the many instances of children born as early as five months who, thanks to advances in technology grow up to lead happy and productive lives.

Man, What Is It With You People And Pictures Of Aborted Fetuses Anyway?

These people regard embryonic humans as commodities, and have no issues whatsoever mortgaging the lives of children today to serve the hypothetical children of tomorrow.  In contrast to this antiseptic callousness is the heated ruthlessness with which the choicers pursue their aims, having no shame in attributing sinister motives to anyone not in lockstep with their vision of a D&C as contraception.  So if Michael J. Fox dies from Parkinson’s, I guess that’s just God’s will, huh?

For Reals? Because That Would Make Your Unborn Fetus Astoundingly Stupid, And We . . . Oh, Right.

However, when the death penalty is mentioned, the bulk of the Pro-Choicers are aghast: The state doesn’t have the right to kill anyone!, they breathlessly intone.  Human life isn’t something to simply be thrown away!

Pro-Life groups, on the other hand, venerate the fetus.  They make no distinction between aborted and unaborted fetuses, and in fact feature ghastly images of aborted fetuses on everything from protest signs to their dinnerware.  In their mission to save a billion lives of the yet-unborn, they see nothing wrong in terrifying and humiliating the young women who, sometimes in the direst circumstances, find their way to a clinic.  Moreover, the more lunatic among them see nothing ironic in blowing up clinics, killing doctors or various other terroristic acts in an effort to show how much God values human life.

“Look Honey! He’s Even Drawn A Little Aborted Fetus On There. Well Isn’t That Just The Cutest Thing You Ever Saw?”

However, the Pro-Life view of the death penalty harkens back to the Old Testament’s call for An eye for an eye.  On this issue, it seems, theirs is a God of vengeance and retribution.

One thing which quickly becomes clear is that while both the Pro-Life movement and the Pro-Choice movement would like very much to believe that their politics stem from a clear and delineated moral code, it just isn’t so.

Both of these self-righteous influence gangs will continue to wrap themselves in terms like Choice and Life, words which their own one-sided agendas have rendered meaningless.  Instead of Pro-Life and Pro-Choice, why don’t we call these hypocrites what they really are?: Pro Semi-Life and Semi Pro-Life.

We Don’t Think You’ll Have To Fight Too Hard To Keep Those Hands Out Of Your Vaginas. Also, Lady Schick Has A Product For That.

Osama’s Pakistani Whack Shack

16 Monday May 2011

Posted by in Celebrity, Cinema, Culture, News, Religion

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By Smaktakula

Bin Laden Debunks The Myth About Hairy Palms.

The Navy SEALs tasked with eliminating resilient Saudi boogeyman Osama bin Laden were trained to expect just about anything.  They knew, for example, that they would encounter fierce resistance from bin Laden and his lieutenants, and that the terror mastermind would not hesitate to toss away one of his countless wives like spent Kleenex if it meant adding a few more malice-drenched moments to his own tumultuous time on earth.  But what the SEAL team found was something America’s intelligence industry failed to anticipate, and which took the SEALs completely by surprise: bin Laden’s impressive and more-than-slightly-used pornography collection.

Osama Repeatedly Claimed It Was For His Dry Skin.

This information gap does US intelligence no credit, particularly since for the better part of a year, several publications–most notably Promethean Times–have been warning of the pervasive Pakistani predilection for particularly prurient and perverse porn.  As is now becoming more widely known, Pakistanis lead the rest of the world in filthy internet searches, and are rapidly gaining a reputation for harboring not only terrorists among their population, but goat-fuckers as well.

Osama's Fingerprints Were All Over This. Literally.

Is it any wonder then, that bin Laden–a guest in that great nation–would seek onanistic relief in such delightful naughtiness as Salaam Salami!, You Mecca Me Horny II and Riders of the Three-Humped Camel?  The picture becomes clearer when one considers bin Laden’s legendary sex drive, the horny hatemonger having more wives than the desert has sand.

A Copy Of This Book Was Found Under Osama's Mattress. It Was Identified Only After Investigators Were Able To Separate The Pages With A Razor Blade.

Because of the high security and the presence of so many people in the compound, privacy was at a minimum and as such, valued as a premium.  Even placing extra locks on the doors didn’t stop careless security personnel or nosy wives from barging in on bin Laden just as he was in the process of ‘blowing the first tower.’  Ironically, in the days before he was executed by US Forces, bin Laden devised a system whereby he would leave his turban hanging over the doorknob to let people know he was ‘taking the Haj.’

Fortunately, Osama Died Without Ever Knowing That His Favorite Footlong Was 100% Kosher.

This Day In History: 1605 CE

05 Friday Nov 2010

Posted by in History

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On which protoIslamofascist Guy Fawkes’ unsuccessful attempt to blow up Parliament is remembered through a holiday and a lackluster film.

Fawkes' Original Plan Was To Strike The Houses Of Parliament With "A Flyeing Contrapshun Of Some Varietee, Laden With Elyxirs Both Incendiaree And Caustic."

Penny for the Guy?

This Day In History: September 10, 2001 CE (II)

11 Saturday Sep 2010

Posted by in Celebrity, History, News

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On which the nefarious Saddam Hussein succeeds in destroying the Twin Towers.

"Okay, We've Got Flight Schedules, We've Got Box Cutters--We Just Need Nineteen Patsies. Guys, I'm Telling You--This Is Just Crazy Enough To Work!"

"AHAHAHAHAHA! Don't Forget To Ditch The WMDs! AHAHAHAHAHA!"

Confused?  Fox News will give you the scoop!

Man, The Discovery Channel Really Pissed That Guy Off

02 Thursday Sep 2010

Posted by in Corporate Culture, Crime, Critters, Culture, General Foolishness, Justice, National Events, North America, People, Relationships, Terrorism

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By Smaktakula

Self-loathing nutjob James Lee stormed into the Discovery Channel offices Wednesday looking for justice.  Instead, the environmental radical bumbled his way into a delicious pile of irony.

Lee’s apparent purpose was to serve as a sort of homicidal spokesperson for nature.  The police obliged by shooting him down like a dog.

"Another Thing: Why Can't We Have 52 Weeks Of SHARK WEEK?" We Hear You, Brother.

Bonus: There’s one less nasty human messing up the planet.  Way to take one for the team, Jim!

Homeland Security Chooses To Ignore Growing Threat Of Winged Terror

30 Wednesday Jun 2010

Posted by in Crime, Critters, General Foolishness, Humor, International Relations, Relationships, Satire, Terrorism, World Affairs

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By Smaktakula
Note:  This is the third installment in our ongoing environmental series, Does Nature Want You Dead?  Yes It Does. The previous installments are SHAMU Sleeper Agent Wreaks Havoc At Florida Amusement Park and Super-Intelligent Stalker Sharks Plotting Bloody ‘Dorsal Dawn.’

At 3:27 PM on January 15th, 2009 a catastrophe was averted by inches.  Shortly after US Airways Flight 1549 took off from La Guardia International in New York en route to North Carolina’s Charlotte/Douglas,  several geese managed to bring down the Airbus A320 by flying simultaneously into both of the aircraft’s engines.

Levelheadedness and expertise were the only things standing between Flight 1549 and a cataclysmic, horrorshow ending in the steel canyons of New York City.  Capt. Chesley “Sully” Sullenberger, aided by his ice-nerved co-pilot and well-trained crew, was able to wrestle the dying plane into the Hudson River.  Miraculously, all 155 humans on board Flight 1549 survived.

Chesley Sullenberger: His Fierce Badassery Helps Mitigate The Handicap Of Such A Gay Name.

It is fitting and proper that the focus of this incident remain on the lives saved in the face of such impossible odds.  However, that does not excuse turning a blind eye to the fact that several geese–for reasons yet unknown–took out a massive passenger plane with an intricately planned and precisely executed suicide attack that very nearly cost 155 innocent people their lives.  Yet no one is asking, “Why did this happen?”

The exact number of geese involved in taking down Flight 1549 has never been determined.  All the geese who participated in the attack are believed to have perished.  However, witnesses reported seeing a flock fleeing the scene in the seconds after the attack.  To date, not one of these geese has been apprehended.

There have been some troubling indications that a foreign power may be involved.  Almost all witnesses reported that both the attacking geese and those seen fleeing the scene were Canadian Geese.  The FAA claimed to have no knowledge of any scheduled flock along that air route.  The fact remains that several Canadian Geese were flying in American airspace, something no one disputes.  And yet you hear nothing about this from conventional media outlets, particularly those in areas sharing a border with our “friends” to the north.

There was a time when the beak-and-feather set had a healthy respect for humanity.  These birds of yesteryear would have to be content with expressing their displeasure through a well-timed bowel movement.  Their descendants are proving not nearly so patient.

That these birds can strike any plane at any time should terrify all of humanity.  That it does not is an indication of just how far the pro-avian media has pushed its “Birds of a Feather” campaign.  Recently, there have been attempts by several school districts to ban Alfred Hitchcock’s award-winning documentary, The Birds.

The Hollow-Boned Menace Laughs At Our Weakness

The air-travelling public is left with two choices.  The first, an initially more painful: a return to the Bush Doctrine with regards to America’s growing Avian-Aquatic Mammal-Shark problem, and hunt these beasts down where they hide–hunt them down like dogs! . . . dogs that fly or swim.

The second choice is to not make a choice at all.  To continue with feel-good featherist policies–to bury our heads in the sand, in the parlance of our avian enemy–is to sign our death warrant as a species.  As we speak the avian menace has the capacity to take out any aircraft–private, commercial or military–anywhere in the world.  Don’t think they won’t do it.

Crazy Bastard Thwarted In Bid For Awesome, Meaningful Death

17 Thursday Jun 2010

Posted by in Culture, General Foolishness, International Relations, Justice, Middle East, Military, Mythology, National Events, People, Terrorism, World Affairs

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Ailing nutjob Gary Brooks Faulkner apparently decided that if his time was short, he’d do his damnedest to drag Osama bin Laden down to hell with him.  Supplied only with the essentials–pistol & ammo, dagger, night-vision goggles and hashish–this nutty buddy somehow made his way from Colorado to Pakistan to go mano a mano with the FBI’s most-wanted man.         

Reportedly, Faulkner didn’t waste valuable energy and time attempting to determine friend from foe.   Anyone foolish enough to approach the Bucket-List Rambo received the same response: wild-eyed death threats.         

Sadly, Pakistani forces managed to capture Faulkner after a tense standoff.  In doing so, they denied this patriotic and batshit crazy American the honor of laying down his life in a knife fight with a cadre of bin Laden’s elite guards, while their master huddles cowering behind them; or of tumbling off a sheer cliff while locked in a death-embrace with bin Laden himself, perhaps voicing a cool exit line like, Neither of us comes back from this one, Osama; or as is a lot more likely, a lonely death from exposure in the vast and trackless wilderness of Pakistan, Faulkner’s final hours haunted by delirium and a maddening thirst, huddling pathetically in the meager shade provided by a boulder while hurling increasingly weak and nonsensical curses at the punishing sun.         

No One Here Gets Out Alive

Is One More Crazy Fucker In Pakistan Really Such A Big Deal? American Detained in Pakistan Had Sights on bin Laden – NYTimes.com.         

Smaktakula

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Political And Media Elites Surprised, Dismayed By Would-Be Terrorist’s Lack Of Whiteness

07 Friday May 2010

Posted by in Christianity, Crime, Culture, General Foolishness, International Relations, Islam, Justice, National Events, National Politics, Political Correctness, Race, Relationships, Religion, Terrorism

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By Smaktakula

In the hours following the accidentally foiled Times Square bombing, Washington and the media let the world know just what sort of deranged maniac they were looking for: a disgruntled white guy.  Remember: Timothy McVeigh was white.  So was Ted Kaczynski.  And don’t forget to add Eric Rudolph’s two kills into the shameful annals of American terrorism.

Since then, pretty much every major act of violent terrorism has been committed predominately (by which we mean exclusively) by adherents of Islam*.  The current expectations among fans of Professional International Terrorism (PIT) is that whitey is due for a significant atrocity.

New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg apparently believes that as with his legislation regarding which foods New Yorkers can put in their bodies, his own God-given wisdom trumps facts.  Shortly after the incident, the mayor responsibly opined that while he didn’t really have a clue as to what happened, he was confident enough to prognosticate that the would-be mass murderer would turn out to be an American citizen bitter about Obamacare.

Bloomberg’s mistake is a reasonable one considering that the administration and most of the media have been warning that Tea Party radicals were going to try something crazy.  The media has provided substantial proof for these claims, if one accepts incestuously recycled comments from other “journalists” as proof.

The world was shocked to learn that the alleged bad guy, Faisal Shahzad was not white, nor was he Christian.  He was not a Republican, and apparently did not play college-level lacrosse.

After Shahzad’s lack of Christian whiteness was discovered, MSNBC spokesperson Contessa Brewer expressed dismay that the failed bomber was Islamic, claiming that certain groups would use that fact to their own racist ends.  Presumably this entails spreading the false rumor that people of Islamic faith make poor terrorists.  This is especially galling since Islamic terrorists are considered the cream of the crop when it comes to murderous thugs.

Brewer later backpedalled on her Facebook site, saying she simply didn’t want the terrorist to be of a specific race.  It’s just that there was a specific race and/or religious preference that she didn’t want it to be.

In virtually the same breath, Brewer attempts to justify her statements by pointing to Bloomberg’s latest statements, admonishing Americans not to take out their anger on Pakistani Muslims.  The fact that no major acts of violence against American muslims have occurred since 9/11 is a testament to the efficacy of this sort of pedantic, self-righteous nagging.

Still, until the Obama adminstration and the friendly press can return to the narrative of the white Christian as Public Enemy Number 1, there are going to be some downcast faces:

Thought That White Christian Prisoners Would Help Diversify Gitmo

Say WHAAAAAAAAAAT?!?

This Guy Is Totally Bummed

Hopefully the next terrorist will look like this:

Why Is She So Full Of Hate?

Otherwise it’ll really screw up the narrative.

*Promethean Times wishes to stress our firm stance that Islam is a religion of peace.  Every right-thinking person knows that it is only because of a few misguided individuals and a great many Western bigots that people have this hugely incorrect view of Muslims. Therefore, we feel that any retaliatory action against Promethean Times, including but not limited to fatwas, jihads and other assorted beefs, would be unwarranted.  Not that any Islamic person would perpetrate an act of violence–please see the first sentence in this note regarding Islam being a religion of peace.  But just so we’re clear, if Islamic people were the type to start killing people who said things with which they disagreed (and again, we’re not saying that they are–Religion of Peace!  Religion of Peace!), hopefully they wouldn’t feel the need to revenge themselves against Promethean Times.  Although undoubtedly we have done something to deserve it, for which we are most grievously sorry.  As-Salamu Alaykum