Larry The Cable Guy Facing Stompification

07 Monday Feb 2011

Tags

cable networks, Canada, chewing tobacco, dangerous people, death by Don King, death by kicking, Deep South, Deliverance, Don King, historians, History, inbreeding, jackassery, Kansas, Kinglish, Larry the Cable Guy, money for nothing, NASCAR, non-historians, Only in America, rednecks, scary people, stereotypes, stupid people, sweet hockey moves, the unfunnying of America, TV for idiots, Uncle-Daddy, unfunny comedians, untalented stars, you got a real purty mouth

By Smaktakula

Larry Is Just Another Reason That, If We Had Any Sweet Hockey Moves, We Would Have Moved To Canada Years Ago.

Cretinous stereotype Larry The Cable Guy has teamed with infotainment network History for the new series Only In America, which profiles such uniquely American innovations as the origins of NASCAR or the popularization of smokeless tobacco. History, formerly the History Channel, is steadily moving away from history the way MTV fled from music in the early 1990s.

"I'm A-Goin' To See Larry With My Uncle And Daddy. We're Both Really Big Fans."

Although Larry is not the first non-historian to host a show on History, the unfunny comedian is thought to be network’s first presenter completely lacking in talent. Nonetheless, History executives are said to be very pleased with Larry. Said one, “Who better to honestly present the unvarnished truth of history than a dude from Kansas who honors America by pretending to be a heavily accented dimwit from the Deep South?”

The New History Network: Because Sometimes 'Lifetime' Gets Too Information-Heavy.

Only in America, which debuts tomorrow, has already attracted its share of critics. Among them is electroshock-coiffed fight promoter Don King, who has for years used the phrase “Only in America” as something of a trademark. King, who once kicked a man to death, is said to be “Inconsolulate” over what he considers “Thieverification of the lowest order,” adding, “This injustitude will be revelated in the shining light of honestifery and greeted with commensurable wrathness!”

"Justifaction Is At Hand, Oh Yes!" Don Is Suspicious Of Those Things From Which He Does Not Receive Direct Compensation.

The Pros And Cons Of Your Girlfriend’s Gay Friend

14 Tuesday Dec 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

"fake gay", beefcake, childish sexual innuendo, Doogie Howser MD, fag hag, gay men, gay people, girlfriends, homophobia, homosexuality, Neil Patrick Harris, no downside, wives, you got a real purty mouth

By Smaktakula

No, He's Not Really A Child Prodigy, But The Man's A Hell Of A Dresser.

Pros: You can be sure that your wife/girlfriend will be accompanied at all times on her night out by a dude with absolutely no designs on her.*

Cons: There are NO cons. Sure, he thinks she’s too good for you, but so do all her other girlfriends.

Honestly, we’re inclined to agree. But still, we’re rooting for you!

If This Guy Had The Slightest Interest In Your Girlfriend, You'd Be Out Of The Picture With A Quickness. You Ought To Get Down On Your Knees And Thank Him Properly. What?

*Beware of the “fake gay” friend. He is an insidious creature not to be trusted.

Your Write-In Campaign For Loser Star Unnecessary

07 Tuesday Dec 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, Culture

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

America has ceded her humor advantage to the Canadians, Betty White, Buddy the Elf, Canada, Canada is world's funniest country, cocaine, coke, Cokie Monster, Cookie Monster, drugs, fellatrix, Golden Girls, has-been, kitsch, Larry the Cable Guy, last surviving Golden Girl, loser, Mike Meyers, Mr. T, New Coke, North Korea is the world's unfunniest country, Party On!, pop culture, repetition ad nauseum, Ron Burgundy, Saturday Night Live, SNL, SNL alumnus, Star Wars: The Phantom Menace, the laughs race, the unfunnying of America, United States of America, untalented stars, Wayne's World, Will Ferrell, World War II, write-in campaign, you got a real purty mouth

By Smaktakula

One of the great surprises in television this year was the write-in campaign for Betty White to host Saturday Night Live. As the last surviving Golden Girl, the honor was certainly due her, and although we didn’t see the episode, we understand it was a big hit.

Before SNL Existed To Tell Us What Was Cool, We Had To Make Those Judgments Based Solely On Merit.

As in any instance when an unexpected event proves a resounding hit with the fans, SNL’s producers will be tempted to continue with the formula. Fortunately, SNL has always kept itself away from the practice of abusing an amusing premise by wringing from it every last drop of funny and then casting it aside upon the dust heap of pop culture.

Party On, Wayne! And On.

But of course people will try. Typing “Dear SNL Please Let Host,” reveals two names most prominently–Ron Burgundy and Buddy the Elf–both characters made somewhat famous by turn-of-the-century funnyman Will Ferrell, himself an SNL alumnus. A cadre of jaded do-nothings is mounting a serious attempt to return Ferrell to television.

Fact: Paunchy Blond Guys Well-Over Six Feet Tall Are Not Funny. Don't Believe Us? Name One.

This is both dangerous and irresponsible. Whether motivated by pity or a sense of kitsch, keeping Ferrell’s career alive is a benefit to no one, least of all the former celebrity. Repeated studies have demonstrated that exposure to comedians like Ferrell or Larry the Cable Guy is arguably the greatest single factor in the unfunnying of America. Once the funniest country in the world, America ceded first place to Canada sometime in the mid-1980s. For posterity’s sake, and for Ferrell’s as well, let the man’s career die with a modicum of dignity.

Betty Has Never Gone Back.

Even fictional–although arguably more talented–characters are trying to launch their own write-in campaigns to appear on the comedy program. Sesame Street’s Cookie Monster has an SNL audition tape, and is reportedly very serious about seeking a hosting gig. Privately, industry insiders say that the monster has very little chance of success; a reputation for no-shows and erratic behavior have earned him the nickname “Cokie” Monster.

"thenmesaidMEWANTCOOKIEbuttheycouldn'thandle *HNFFF!* couldn'thandlemebeingrealy'knowMEWANTCOOKIEWHATTHEFUCKME *HNFFF!* MEHAVETODOTOGETFUCKINGCOOKIE! goddamncookiemonsterfeelinallright!"

The great Betty White write-in campaign of 2010 brought a brief spontaneity to television, a medium noted for being anything but. But if we’ve learned anything from such travesties as the New Coke, Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace and World War II, it’s sometimes best just to leave the original as it is.

Don't Be Naive. You Really Think Betty Got The Job Through A Write-In Campaign?

Somali Pirates Claim Record Jackpot

15 Monday Nov 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, News

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

Africa, appeasement, Axis of Iniquity, Barbary Pirates, buccaneers, Ciudad Juarez, corsairs, Eastern Hemisphere, freebooters, G20, Horn of Africa, Hussein, I do it for the wenches, impoverished third-world hellhole, Jackpot, John Adams, Johnny Depp, maritime trade, Orlando Bloom, pashas, piracy, piracy perks, pirates, Pirates of the Caribbean, scalawags, scallywags, Scrooge McDuck, Smart Gene, Somali pirates, Somalia, Stupid Gene, Thomas Jefferson, US Navy, Western Hemisphere, you got a real purty mouth

By Smaktakula

There's Never Been A Better Time To Be A Pirate.

Things haven’t looked this good for corsairs since the days of the Barbary Pirates. A group of Somali scalawags recently raked in a record jackpot of $12.3 million for the ransom of two ships.

The Western Hemisphere Has Ciudad Juarez. African Aficionados Of Violent Lawlessness Choose The Horn Of Africa.

Experts regard this development not only as a victory for Somali pirates, but also a triumph for proponents of “smart gene/stupid gene” theory. “This is a very exciting time for fans of maritime piracy,” says scurvologist Dr. Emil Haagerdäddi. “What we’re seeing now are the naturally occurring results of the piracy blunders earlier in the year. With more so-called ‘stupid pirates’ removed from the Somali corsair population, the industry as a whole has grown leaner and meaner.”

A smart-gene pirate named Hussein told Reuters, “We are now counting our cash . . . Soon we shall get down from the ship.” Hussein and his merry mates are sure to receive a warm welcome when they return to shore, as well as a harem’s worth of wenches, an age-old perk of piracy.

Somali Pirates Would Totally Have Their Way With These Clowns. And Not In The Way Johnny's Hoping.

There is historical precedent in appeasing pirates. It was long the policy of the European powers to pay tribute to the pirates of the Barbary Coast. This policy ended in the early 19th Century after various maritime powers, including the newly-reconstituted US Navy, decided that they could no longer tolerate the pashas’ shenanigans.

"Our Young Nation Has Broken The Barbary States' Axis Of Iniquity. Moreover: Screw You, John Adams!"

Most global economists believe that the growing economic clout of Somalia’s maritime piracy industry will not only pull the impoverished third-world hellhole out of its economic doldrums, but might also encourage other developing coastal nations to launch their own fleet of freebooters.

Because Sometimes The Ladies Want A Take-Charge Guy.

Once-threatened, the future looks strong for the Corsairs of Somalia. Currently the G20 nations are discussing shipping quotas for the Horn of Africa to ensure that a healthy amount of traffic passes by the Horn to preserve the pirates’ historical way of life.

LiLo Blowing Chance To Portray Infamous Cinematic Fellatrix

22 Wednesday Sep 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, Cinema, Crime, Stupidity

≈ 5 Comments

Tags

arrests, BJs, blow jobs, celebrity skin, childish sexual innuendo, Chris Hanley, cocaine, Deep Throat, Dimeatapp, drugs, Emil Haagerdäddi, fellatio, fellatrix, Fifteen Minutes of Fame, Flower of American Skankhood, former child stars, Inferno, LEAVE LINDSAY ALONE!!!, LiLo, LiLophiles, Linda Lovelace, Lindsay Lohan, methamphetamine, porno movies, pornography, pr0n, rehab, sausage smuggling, skanks, slobbin' the knob, the coke favored by Clan Lohan is neither a coal by-product nor a cola, untalented stars, Where Are They Now?, you got a real purty mouth

By Smaktakula

Lindsay Lohan’s escapades have led to a warrant for her arrest, and cast doubt upon the fate of the former child star’s latest comeback vehicle, Inferno. The warrant comes as a response to the Flower of American Skankhood’s most recent parole violations, testing positive for both cocaine and amphetamines.

A Classy Role For A Classy Lady.

This unwelcome news comes as a surprise to most LiLophiles, are said to have feared Lohan might at most test positive for either cocaine or amphetamines, but not both.

“As a worst case scenario,” says Dr. Emil Haagerdäddi, curator of Branson’s Musee d’Lohan, “I thought perhaps it would be cocaine and Dimeatapp, or amphetamines and nutmeg. But this? No one expected this.”

Don't Choke: The Hardest Thing For Lindsay To Swallow Will Be The Huge Load Shooting Will Impose On Her Time. If She Is Wise And Doesn't Take This Opportunity As A Gag, It Will End With Lindsay Being Covered In A Big, Sticky Wad Of Cash.

Initial reports said that the producers of Inferno, a biopic about 70’s porn pioneer Linda Lovelace, were “beyond irritated” at Lohan’s latest arrest. According to producer Chris Hanley, nothing could be further from the truth. “We do believe that Lindsay’s talent does weigh very heavily in the matter,” Hanley said.

Promethean Times agrees. Although Lohan’s acting gifts are at best pedestrian, it is difficult to imagine this role being played by any other actress. Who is better suited than Lindsay Lohan to portray a drug addled and morally bankrupt would-be starlet who peaked too early in life, and would forever after be remembered only for her sausage smuggling skills?

"Hello?!? It's The Role I Was Born To Play!"

mhhmm mmm hhmm!

Drug Lord Comes To Regret Ridiculous Nickname

17 Friday Sep 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, Crime, Culture

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

Arturo Beltran Leyva, Crime, crimelord, drug cartel, drug trafficking, drugs, Edgar Valdez Villarreal, El Chupacabra, El Coyote Negro, La Barbie, Menudo Caliente, Mexican drug cartel, Mexican jail, Mexican Navy, Mexico, smuggling, you got a real purty mouth

By Smaktakula

American-born criminal Edgar Valdez Villarreal rose quickly through the ranks of the Mexican underworld to become a lieutenant for one of the cartels. When cartel head Arturo Beltrán Leyva was slaughtered by Navy commandos in December of 2009, the resourceful young thug waged a bloody war against various other cartel factions in an effort to seize control of the operation. His bid came to an end in August of 2010 when he was captured by Mexican authorities.

Now the reputed criminal is seeking extradition to his native United States, fearing for his safety in Mexico. This is no doubt warranted. Mexican jails are infamous for their deplorable conditions and the innumerable degradations inmates must endure. How much worse must it be for a pretty boy called La Barbie?

"El Coyote Negro? El Chupacabra? Menudo Caliente? Man, I Really Should Have Put More Thought Into My Nickname."

Come On Barbie, Let’s Go Party!

Will Pirouette For Respect

24 Tuesday Aug 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Art, Culture, General Foolishness, Music

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

ballerinas, ballerinos, ballet, ballet as a metaphor, ballet-loving freaks, beer, danseurs, disc golf, football, get the gay out of ballet, heterosexuality, homosexuality, homosexuality in ballet, mime, pork rinds, professional wrestling, quasi-athlete, sports, We trust Wikipedia as far as we can throw it, you got a real purty mouth

By Smaktakula

Ballet has long been known as both an aesthetic and athletic endeavor, entwining beauty and ability into a single art form. In its physicality it is not unlike more traditional sports, and in fact requires a great deal more athletic ability than some so-called “sports.”

Perpetuating The Cycle Of Violence: Someday She Will Do The Same To Her Daughter.

Despite this, the American public has never really gone for ballet. Like mime or disc golf, ballet lives on through the efforts of a desperately fanatical cadre of aficionados and the largesse of wealthy benefactors. Ballet’s primary demographic is the legion of nine year-old girls who comprise its base.

And yet, people seem to understand instinctively that ballet is something to be admired. It is often employed metaphorically when discussing natural phenomenon, such as the stars or the northern lights, in overblown phrases like “the majesty of the cosmic ballet.” Even more ironically, the same people who would under no circumstances attend the ballet nevertheless attempt to lend a high-minded importance to football by invoking a comparison to ballet: athleticism as aestheticism. It has even been used in an attempt to justify silly non-sports like professional wrestling.

The "Mincing Our Way Into America's Heart" Campaign Was Not A Success.

Although only about 50% of male ballet dancers are gay,* the terms for male ballet dancers–danseur and ballerino–are 100% gay. However, this only makes ballet a “gay” endeavor by the same logic that says football is a “straight” sport because it’s played largely (but by no means exclusively) by straight men. Still, it doesn’t help sell ballet to the beer & pork rind crowd.

Neither is ballet doing itself any favors by continuing to wrap danseurs in flesh-hugging leotards, thereby devolving them into heinous sausage-smugglers. Juxtapose this fact with the title of the only ballet most Americans can name, The Nutcracker, and it’s easy to see why mainstream America has so far shied away from ballet.

The Promethean Times Editorial Staff has come up with a slogan which the ballet industry is free to use as it chooses. We hope it will finally shame Americans into embracing this venerable art form:

IF YOU DON’T LIKE BALLET

YOU’RE PROBABLY A HOMO!

* This statistic courtesy of the always unimpeachable repository of historical record, Wikipedia.

Jeté To Facebook

The Skonk

23 Monday Aug 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Cinema, Culture, General Foolishness, Health, Hollywood, People, Political Correctness, Reality Television, Relationships, Scandal, Television

≈ 4 Comments

Tags

Abraham Lincoln, Adolf Hitler, Albert Einstein, Barack Obama, Big Bird, Bill Clinton, Bill O'Reilly, Bush 41, Bush 43, Colin Farrell, crabs, David Letterman, Eddie Murphy, Elmo, FDR, Franklin Delano Roosevelt, Fred, George Herbert Walker Bush, George W. Bush, herpes, heterosexuality, homosexuality, J. Robert Oppenheimer, jackassery, James Bond, John F. Kennedy, John Lennon, Johnny Depp, Karl Marx, Keith Richards, man-skanks, man-whores, Mick Jagger, misconceptions regarding skanks, Mohandas Gandhi, Morrissey, Napoleon Bonaparte, Pat Sajak, Paul McCartney, People Magazine, Richard M. Nixon, Russell Crowe, Sherlock Holmes, skankery, skanks, Skanks in the Crosshairs, skonk, skonkery, skonks, Slick Willy, STDs, Stephen Morrissey, tabloids, Thomas Jefferson, W, whoredom, William Henry Harrison, William Jefferson Clinton, William McKinley, Woodrow Wilson, Woody Allen, you got a real purty mouth

By Smaktakula

In preparation for our upcoming multi-part investigative series on modern whoredom, Skanks In The Crosshairs, the Promethean Times Research Staff spent hundreds of man-hours reading tabloids, clipping articles from old issues of People Magazine we’d liberated from dentists’ offices, and lots of solitary time in the screening room. The benefits of this research exceeded our initially modest expectations. Immersion into the tawdry world of skandom produced a wealth of data, which when put in proper context revealed a number of generally held misconceptions regarding skanks as a whole.

Perhaps no subject in all of skandom is more misunderstood and veiled in half-truths than that of male skanks, or skonks. Ironically, almost two-thirds of the respondents in a Promethean Times survey characterized themselves as “somewhat knowledgeable” to “very knowledgeable” about skonks. A chasm exists between what is commonly known about skonks and what is believed to be known. Perhaps it is in that gulf that the skonk will reveal himself.

Johnny Depp: His Skonk Oil Is Worth Millions.

Firstly, the popular notion that skanks outnumber skonks is a complete falsehood. In fact, skonks outnumber skanks at a 2:1 ratio, even after accounting for the numerical differences between the male and female population. It is perhaps because of this very ubiquity that the media tends to focus its attention on skanks rather than skonks.

This information also debunks the myth that skonks make up only a small percentage of all males. The consensus among experts is that well over half of all men are skonks, with a majority positing of 70-85% skonk saturation. One reason this figure is so inexact is that unlike skanks who tend advertise their skankiness, a sizeable portion of skonks endeavor to keep their skonkitude hidden.

Nor are gay men immune to skonkitude. In fact, it is believed that the percentage of skonks among gay men is far higher than among the population as a whole. One expert, who places the figure somewhere around 97%, says, “It’s pretty hard to find a gay man who isn’t a skonk.”

Angel Of The Morning: Skonk Life Is Not All Sunshine And Giggles.

Some famous skonks and non-skonks:

Historical

Napoleon was a skonk; Hitler was not.

Secret Skonk: Gandhi

Great Minds

Oppenheimer wasn’t a skonk, but Einstein was.

Secret Skonk: Karl Marx

Film & Television

Colin Farrell, David Letterman, Russell Crowe, Eddie Murphy, Bill O’Reilly, Woody Allen and myriad more are skonks. Pat Sajak and one or two others too obscure to name are not.

Secret Skonk: None

Music

Mick Jagger is a skonk; John Lennon was not.

Keith Richards is a skonk; Paul McCartney pretends to be a skonk.

Secret Skonk: Morrissey

Presidents of the United States of America

Presidents Jefferson, FDR, Kennedy, Clinton and several others were First Skonks. Presidents Lincoln, McKinley, Wilson, Nixon, Bush (41) were not.

Barack Obama is not a skonk; George Bush (43) was a skonk in his youth, but has since reformed.

Secret Skonk: William Henry Harrison

"Damn, It Feels Good To Be A Gangsta."

Fictional Characters

James Bond is a skonk; Sherlock Holmes is not.

Elmo is a skonk; Big Bird is not.

Secret Skonk: Fred From Scooby Doo

Friends of Promethean Times

Charlie Sheen and Michael Murphy are skonks; Grigori Perelman and Rolando “Cashew Dick” Negrin are not.

The Haimster was a skonk; diminutive and dearly missed virgin Gary Coleman was not.

Secret Skonk: Kim Jong-il

"Hate The Game. Don't Hate The Praya."

Share More Than Herpes With Facebook

We Have High Hopes For Justin Bieber

04 Wednesday Aug 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, Culture, Music

≈ 4 Comments

Tags

androgynous kids are creepy, awful musicians, Celebrity Death Watch, hairless hit factory, Justin Bieber, Justin Bieber: First Step 2 Forever: My Story, moppet, pop culture, pop phenom, societal carcinoma, stupid shit little girls like, that's expire not retire, you do know that's two colons right?, you got a real purty mouth

By Smaktakula

Sixteen-year-old pop moppet Justin Bieber has announced the upcoming release of his ridiculously-titled photo memoir, Justin Bieber: First Step 2 Forever: My Story.

Promethean Times joins the rest of the adult world in urgently hoping this news indicates that the adorable societal carcinoma has made plans to expire in the very near future.

This Photo Will Be Perfect For The Inquest.

The Secret Origin Of Westboro Baptist’s Fred Phelps

27 Tuesday Jul 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Christianity, Cinema, Constitutional Issues, Culture, Hollywood, People, Relationships, Religion, Social Networking

≈ 7 Comments

Tags

bigotry, Brokeback Mountain, closeted homosexual, even Jesus thinks Fred Phelps sucks, God Hates Fags, I wish I could quit you, judge not lest ye be judged, let he who is without sin cast the first stone, Phelpsicana, religious intolerance, Reverend Fred Phelps, that asshole who demonstrates at the funerals of soldiers, Westboro Baptist Church, you got a real purty mouth

By Smaktakula

Late August, 1951

"Jesus, Fred--What Does 'I Wish I Could Quit You' Mean, Anyway? Look, We Both Knew This Wouldn't Be Forever, Right? But What We Had, Man--It Was Real. Just Promise Me Something, Fred. Promise Me You Won't Let This Make You Bitter."

The piece of Phelpsicana included below, the Westboro Baptist Church’s earliest slogan, helps to shed light on Phelps’ bizarre devolution:

No Reason Was Given For The Slogan's Change During The Winter Of 1952. Apparently, Phelps Thought "God Hates Fags" Just Sounded Better.

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Promethean Times

~ A Collection of Oddities Calculated to Amuse, Enlighten and Horrify.

Tag Archives: you got a real purty mouth

Larry The Cable Guy Facing Stompification

By Smaktakula

The Pros And Cons Of Your Girlfriend’s Gay Friend

By Smaktakula

*Beware of the “fake gay” friend. He is an insidious creature not to be trusted.

Somali Pirates Claim Record Jackpot

By Smaktakula

LiLo Blowing Chance To Portray Infamous Cinematic Fellatrix

By Smaktakula

mhhmm mmm hhmm!

Drug Lord Comes To Regret Ridiculous Nickname

By Smaktakula

Come On Barbie, Let’s Go Party!

Will Pirouette For Respect

By Smaktakula

IF YOU DON’T LIKE BALLET

YOU’RE PROBABLY A HOMO!

* This statistic courtesy of the always unimpeachable repository of historical record, Wikipedia.

The Skonk

By Smaktakula

We Have High Hopes For Justin Bieber

By Smaktakula