Monthly Archives: July 2010

Not What You Were Looking For?

07 Wednesday Jul 2010

Posted by in Cinema, Crime, Critters, Culture, Drug Culture, General Foolishness, Hollywood, Humor, Movies, People, Race, Relationships, Television, Terrorism, World Affairs

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By Smaktakula

We would like to believe that of the nearly 800,000 hits* Promethean Times receives daily, each is a reader who set out specifically to find us.  Of course, this is sometimes not the case.

Here are some of the keywords (noted by boldface) used by folks whom we suspect–and in one or two cases, hope–found us by accident.

small black actor died We can do that.

gary coleman death pictures He was a beautiful human being, and now he’s gone.  What the hell is wrong with you people?

lindsay lohan child pics We’re hoping you mean stills from her films.  We can help you here and here.  But if that’s not what you mean, maybe this is more your speed, Creepo.

Morris the Cat baseball We couldn’t help this guy out, but we’re just glad somebody read Smaktakula’s piece on Morris.

K2 We can do that.

huffing And that.

choking game That too.

somali pirates We can do that.

freshy somalis Um.

backwater shithole We can do that.

proud herpes There’s a proud kind?  Damn.  Smaktakula  kinda wishes he hadn’t rushed out and bought the shameful kind.

difference between a midget and a dwarf You got us.  Try Wikipedia, Asshat.

bush pukes on japanese We can do that.

lesbian lactating Ew.  We don’t do that.  Please return to the fetid basement apartment from which you came.

kim jong il sad Try Thinksquad.  Those crazy bastards are fucking with the Dear Leader as we speak.

dirty russian Hmm.  Hope you were looking for our pal, Grigori.

shannon price evil And a cooze!

pictures mexican children No, however we are in possession of some awesome nude shots of your mom.  Inquire for purchase.

what are the pathos at walmart Damn, Confucius, we could meditate on that Zen koan for years.  In the meantime, try this.

fuck off marijuana Indeed. And take the hippies with you!

charlie sheen first amendment It’s true that Mr. Sheen is a first-rate legal scholar, but we examine other aspects of the Sheen Mystique here and here.

is milton bradley crazy Yes, he is.

giant playground-mcdonalds Were we able to help you?

indian sniper We can do that.

man fuck a horse Your mother must be very proud.

*Note: This figure may not correspond with reality.

Commercials We Do Not Like: Bush’s Original Baked Beans

06 Tuesday Jul 2010

Posted by in Commercials, Corporate Culture, Critters, General Foolishness, Justice, People, Relationships, Scandal, Television

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By Smaktakula

Jay Bush, the balding, squishy spokesperson for Bush’s Original Baked Beans seems like a nice enough guy.  With his rounded, non-threatening contours and schlumpy, vulnerable charm, Bush is an able enough pitchman for his family’s product.                 

Then there’s Duke, Bush’s golden retriever and sole confidant.  Two details about Duke serve as a radical distinction from other dogs.                 

1) Duke speaks.  This in itself is unusual, as human-like speech has previously only been evinced in some more advanced members of the Great Dane family.  In most cases, those animals formed words with great difficulty, and no one was likely to confuse them with a human speaker.  Duke speaks more eloquently than does his ostensible “master.”         

2) Whereas dogs, and golden retrievers in particular, are prized for their loyalty, Duke is a treacherous cur.  For reasons known only to the conniving canine, Duke is continually seeking to sell the Bush Family’s secret recipe to competitors.  That the animal is compelled to do this despite the near impossibility that Duke would be able to utilize any money he received from betraying the Bush Family, points to an advanced–and dangerous–psychosis.                

The fact that Duke, after several times nearly succeeding in selling the time-honored recipe, is still positioned so securely within the company should be troubling to stockholders.               

If the public face of Bush’s baked beans can’t command even the loyalty of his own dog, while at the same time choosing to remain ignorant to the mounting evidence of Duke’s perfidy, how much faith can the public have in Bush Brothers and Company?          

Accountability, and lack thereof, is a slippery slope.  One day America loves you for your savory products, the next some little girl finds half a pinky finger in her chile con carne.         

If Bush Brothers & Co. wishes to regain the trust of the baked beans buying public, they must take drastic and immediate action to reassure nervous shareholders that theirs is a company on the grow, free from internal distractions.                

They can start by killing that fucking dog.                

Here's My Concept. It Also Comes In 'Purse.'

News Of The Duh: Evidence Suggests Some Illegal Drug Use In Rave Culture

05 Monday Jul 2010

Posted by in Art, Crime, Culture, Drug Culture, Drugs, Duh, General Foolishness, Music, People, Relationships, Social Networking

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There’s much wisdom in the old maxim, “If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.”  Readers of Promethean Times will know that we subscribe not only to this aphorism, but also its corollary: “If it is broke, the best course of action is immediate panic.”  We favor blind, unreasoning panic over most other varieties of temporary fear-based madness.         

When a 15 year-old girl died of a suspected drug overdose after attending the 14th annual Electric Daisy Carnival at the LA Memorial Coliseum, authorities scurried into action.  The obvious solution was to prohibit further raves at the Coliseum.           

This is a troubling development for everyone touched by the rave scene.  This is not to suggest that all or even most clubbers use illicit drugs.  It is likely a very small minority, a group of “one percenters.”         

Starchyld Von Asskandy (Pictured Above) Says Most Ravers "Will Not Tolerate Illegal Drug Use."

Promethean Times applauds the decision to ban raves at the Coliseum.  Although the young girl’s accidental death appears to be an isolated incident, the danger remains that if unchecked, an incident like this could blow open the doorway for drugs into rave culture.  This would be a pity.  In 2010 there are very few places a young person can go where drugs aren’t a constant temptation.  For many years, raves have been just that kind of environment, and now a few bad apples seem hellbent to sully this wholesome activity.            

The ban on raves in the Coliseum will have two positive effects.  First, it will send a strong message to the one percenters in the rave community that these kinds of shenanigans won’t be tolerated.  Drugs have already ruined Rock & Roll; we mustn’t let them sully the soulless electronic chirp of techno.            

The second result will be even more profound.  With no more raves at the Coliseum, the attendant drug problem should trickle away.  The ban will also give pause to ravers who might be thinking about trying illegal drugs. 

Critics of the ban charge that these young people will simply take their party elsewhere.  This is unlikely.  The promoters of such an event would be breaking several laws, as well as jeopardizing the health of children.  The notion of an illegal, underground rave is pure fantasy.     

This Young Fellow Is Tuckered Out From All That Dancing.

Some People Just Have To Ruin It For Everybody: Teenage girl dies of suspected drug overdose after attending weekend rave at L.A. Coliseum – latimes.com.             

Smaktakula

Michael Steele: Cut And Run

02 Friday Jul 2010

Posted by in Duh, General Foolishness, History, National Events, People, Politics, Terrorism

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By Smaktakula

Michael Steele’s impotent tenure as Chairman of the Republican National Committee has come to the sad end everyone has long expected.  Steele, who aside from being a black Republican is best known for his remarkably incompetent boobery, recently referred to the Afghan conflict as ‘a war of Obama’s choosing.’  This claim is absolutely true, if by Obama he means George W. Bush.  Otherwise, it’s pretty idiotic.    

But Steele wasn’t done: “This was not something that the United States had actively prosecuted or wanted to engage in,” he said.  This statement is also true, assuming that the “not” was a verbal typo.  If it wasn’t, this statement would sound moronic coming from an encephalic six-year-old.    

"Okay, We've Got Three Happy Meals, Two Milkshakes And An Apple Pie. Would You Care To Supersize It?"

Obama Administration To Continue Time-Honored Tradition Of Coddling Despots

01 Thursday Jul 2010

Posted by in Culture, General Foolishness, Humor, International Relations, People, Politics, Relationships, Satire, World Affairs

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The White House was quick to reassure America’s friends in the Kremlin that, despite the recent arrest of at least ten alleged Russian spies, relations between the two countries were as warm and fuzzy as an inspirational poster of puppies from Spencer’s Gifts.  Observers have pointed to a noticable thawing in dealings between United States and Russia since the implementation of President Obama’s Reset Strategy.     

RESET: Basing Your Foreign Policy On A Staples Ad Campaign Not Always Such A Great Idea

Russian reaction to Obama’s statement was warm.  Said an unnamed Russian source,     

“The Obama is so refreshink.  Before, with the Bush it was all: ‘Don’t kill that journalist,’ ‘Let your people have the free elections,’ ‘Don’t you think you ought to stop invadink your neighbors?’  Blah-Blah-Blah.  Give me break!  I tell you, it was crazy.     

But with the Obama, there is none of that.  We do what we do, and he does what he does, you know?  He calls every now and then, askink: ‘You guys still think I’m cool, right?’     

We say, ‘Sure, Barry!  You are rockink dude!  Give me the high-five, bro!’  And then he goes away for a while.  Everybody happy.”     

Obama is said to have remarked to his aides that Franklin Roosevelt also bent over for the Soviets, and that Truman threw half of Europe under the soul-crushing wheels of the Soviet machine.  “Everybody loves FDR and Truman, right?” the president is reportedly fond of asking.     

Presidents Clinton and Bush 43 are credited with reviving the trend of sucking up to liberty-hating thugs.  Clinton, of course, consulted his Chinese masters before every major decision.  George W. Bush was known to have such a stiffy for the despotic and profligate Saudi regime that he was unable to resist holding hands whenever he got the opportunity.     

His Weakness For Oily Men Was Legendary

In the end, President Obama said he was surprised by the fuss people are making over the so-called spy scandal:     

 “After all,” an aide quotes Obama as saying, “These are simply unregistered emissaries of a friendly foreign power, who were charged with clandestinely bringing the American way of life to their less-fortunate countries.  It seems cynical of the Republicans to bring up Putin’s penchant for ordering the assassination both at home and abroad of journalists and critics.  The Republicans seem to forget that the Bush Administration did exactly the same thing when they asked media organizations not to broadcast sensitive troop movements.”     

The President then invited the White House Press Corps to come watch him slap around an oil executive that POTUS had flown in especially for the occasion.     

Will You Be Needink A Reacharound, Mr. President?  White House: Spy Arrests Will Not Harm US-Russian Ties | USA | English.     

Smaktakula

Actor Jeffrey Jones’ Interest In Underage Boys Is Touching

01 Thursday Jul 2010

Posted by in Constitutional Issues, Crime, Culture, General Foolishness, Hollywood, Justice, National Events, People, Prison Culture, Relationships, Scandal

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Actor and pederast Jeffrey Jones, featured in such modern classics as Howard the Duck and How High, has once again run afoul of the law.  Apparently, the in-demand actor has been so busy learning his lines, he sometimes forgets that he’s a voracious short eyes, constantly on the prowl for his next catamite.  This aberrant compulsion makes the talented thespian a very real danger to the community, and as such, Jones must register as a sex offender wherever he goes.     

Jones has now twice failed to do that.          

Is There A Single Detail About This Man That DOESN'T Scream "Run Away?"

Wanna Be In ‘Mom And Dad Save The World 2?’: ‘Ferris Bueller’ actor faces felony charge in LA.     

Smaktakula

Begin the healing by telling Facebook all about it