Category Archives: Celebrity

Headlines 10.16.12

16 Tuesday Oct 2012

Posted by in Celebrity, Crime, Culture, Entertainment, Music, News, Stupidity

≈ 35 Comments

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By Smaktakula

Look, We Tried, But She Refused To Take It Seriously. She Kept Wanting To Play Charades.

 

In Which We Comment On The Headlines Without Bothering To Read The Articles

***

9 Reasons Why Being a Mom Qualifies You to Work in a Brothel ~ Well, obviously, you’re no stranger to cock. Let’s just get that one out of the way right now.

Egyptian President Morsi Rejects Previous Limits on Presidential Power ~ And if the rule of Hosni Mubarak taught us anything, it’s that those limits weren’t all that stringent to begin with.

Chelsea Clinton Exited Wall Street for More Meaning ~ Meaning an eventual run for office.

‎A Worksheet for Math-Phobic Parents ~ Don’t worry–it can be filled out in crayon. Just make your X when you’re through.

Elementary School Beauty Pageant Canceled Over Controversial Flyer Sent Home With Students ~ It was because of the flyer, though? And not ’cause it was a shitty idea to start out with?

Because Sexualizing Children Boosts Their Self-Esteem!

Apple cider prices on the rise ~ Golly! Whatever shall we serve our guests at this year’s Autumn Cotillion? 

Oorah! Marines around the world ~ Killin’ folks.

Gloria Allred — Barack Obama Says I’m One of the BEST Lawyers in America ~ Listen, Gloria–the man didn’t get to be president by telling people things they DIDN’T want to hear.

Neb. wildfires grow with help of strong winds ~ They burned clear through to St. Louis before anyone noticed.

Paul Ryan speech emphasizes ‘there’s no going back’ if Obama wins ~ Okay, normally we’re skeptical regarding allegations of covert racism, but EVERYBODY knows that ‘no going back’ means ‘black.’

Keeping It Clean at Burning Man ~ No easy task with all those filthy hippies running around.

With No Running Water, Improper Sanitation And Those People, It’s A Safe Bet Everything Smells A Little Bit Like Baked Crotch.

How to Stop Hospitals From Killing Us ~ We’ve gotta go with the Bush Doctrine: Kill them before they have a chance to kill us.

Remember Afghanistan? ~ It might be a little easier to forget if we weren’t still there.

Joy Behar: Honey Boo Boo will ‘grow up to be a big fat woman’ ~ Holy cow, Nostradamus! Yours is a very rare and precious gift–use it wisely.

Here’s Why Justin Bieber Likes to Prank People All the Time ~ ‘Cause he’s a little douche.

Cancer death rates predicted to drop 17% by 2030 ~ Suh-Wheet! That’s just about the time we’ll find ourselves in the “Red Zone.”

Kim Kardashian — Black Baby ~ Las Vegas oddsmakers have it at 3:2 currently.

Wait–Isn’t She The One Who Likes To Get Peed On? Shit. We Just Hope The Baby’s Mammalian.

Infants Left Home Alone Are Fine But Their Mom & Aunt Feared Dead ~ Well, we can guarantee that Mom & Aunt Patty have abandoned their last child.

T.I. Helps Save ‘Creed’ Frontman’s Life ~ Well, why the hell did he do a thing like that?

Piracy ‘boosts economy’ in Somalia ~ That’s because piracy ‘is the economy’ in Somalia.

Home improvement sales going through the roof ~ Well, just the money spent on roofing materials alone…

Mow Yard. Drop Off Kids. Take a Drive on Mars. ~ Check in at a reputable mental health facility.

Why is the Arab world so easily offended? ~ The reasons are multifaceted and heavily nuanced, but we can assure you that it’s not because they’re whiny little bitches.

No, We Said It WASN’T Because Of That!

Has Obama made the planet greener? Al Gore says ‘no’ ~ You must first understand, however, that anybody who actually gets to be president makes Al Gore pretty green.

Newborn giant panda cub dies at the National Zoo ~ Can war with China be far behind?

LA to consider multi-use library cards for illegal immigrants ~ Sure, why not?–it seems kinda pointless to deny them anything at this stage in the game. Well, we might as well tell them where we keep the good liquor.

Rihanna’s ‘Diamonds’ Single Art Will Make You Feel Insecure About Your Weed ~ Well, fuck her then!

5 Signs You Already Have Early Stage Alzheimer’s ~ Because Taft was simply a better president, damn it!

“No, If You Say You’re My Son, I Believe You. It’s Just That I Figured You’d Be Better Looking.”

Headlines 10.02.12

02 Tuesday Oct 2012

Posted by in Celebrity, Cinema, Culture, History, News, Politics, Religion, Stupidity

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By Smaktakula

See, Folks? Scientists Aren’t Any Smarter Than You Are, And Apparently Get Laid About As Frequently.

***

In which we opine on the headlines of the day without bothering to read the stories. It’s well-known that most news stories are written at no less than a sixth-grade level, and folks–we don’t read too good.

***

Racism could sway the election ~ Because–God knows–the first Western country to elect a black man as president just HAS to be a bigot’s paradise.

A day in the life of a New York Fashion Week model ~ Smoke cigarette. Breakfast: 2 Rye-Crisp crackers & Ex-Lax.  Smoke cigarette. Purge. Smoke some heroin. Nod out. Smoke cigarette. Purge. Repeat.

Does Louisville Need More Highways? ~ Does Louisville even have paved roads?

How Everest dream ended in tragedy ~ You know, it seems like an awful lot of them end that way. Maybe try a smaller mountain.

UN observers investigate reported Syria massacre ~ Their findings? “Somebody should do something about that.”

Despite Its Mind-Boggling, Unforgivably Heart-Breaking Impotence, The United Nations Has Yet To Meet Its Equal When It Comes To Hand-Wringing, Finger-Pointing And Speechifying.

Why Parents (and Teachers) Should Embrace Captain Underpants ~ So they can hold that wily fucker down until the cops arrive. Even one more child is one child too many.

Will the Occupy movement dissolve Spain’s parliament? ~ We wouldn’t put a lot of money on it. ‘Accomplishing stuff’ really wasn’t Occupy’s thing, you know?

Protests are as mindless as anti-Islam film ~ Right? Sure, the film hurt feelings, but those protests cost people their lives, so they’re equally bad!

What to Do If Your Child Is the Victim of Cyberbullying ~ Tell the little bitch to first pick himself up and grow a pair, then go outside to play with his real friends.

Europeans would re-elect Obama in a landslide: poll ~Gosh. It sure is hard to discount the political wisdom of the folks who within living memory happily put into office a dude so thoroughly heinous that he remains to this day the benchmark for bloodthirsty, mass-murdering madmen.

And Then, Of Course, There’s This Fellow. Did You Still Need A Few More Examples, Or Are You Content For The Time Being To Tend To Your Own Fucking Knitting?

The most important conversation you’ll ever have ~ Won’t be with the assbag sitting next to you on a long flight. But you already knew that.

Deciding When a Pet Has Suffered Enough ~ Mr. Mittens made the decision to shit on the carpet; we’ll decide when Mr. Mittens has suffered enough.

Anti-Islam Filmmaker Who Provoked Attacks Used Pseudonym ~ Wouldn’t you? Man, if there were such a thing as a prosthetic name, we’d be telling this guy to go right out and buy one.

Model Teacher Accused Of Sex With Student ~ AND she’s a model? Kid, you hit the fucking jackpot!

10 Medical Conditions Misdiagnosed as ADHD ~ Is “retardedness” a medical condition?

Schwarzenegger: Affair ‘stupidest thing’ he did while married ~ Are you sure the stupidest thing you did wasn’t starring in that movie ‘Junior?’ Because, seriously–that’s got to be right up there.

Cheating On The Fabulously-Wealthy Living Skeleton You Married Was Inarguably Dumb, But This!–This Remains An Affront To All That Is Good And Decent.

Congress has little motivation for compromise before election ~ Or after.

Class Reunion Letter Lists ‘White Graduates Only’ Party ~ We’re pretty sure that even had the school’s black alumni been invited to the party, most of them probably would have declined, as many no doubt live about 1,000,000 miles from that shithole, and moreover, will likely only be induced to return on the day that the devil sees his breath while standing on his own front porch.

A Terrifying Way to Discipline Children ~ Is acceptable if it gets the job done.

Teenagers Say Parents Text and Drive ~ Yeah, but how seriously can you take what they say? Teenagers can’t even be trusted to tell you where they were last night.

Exercising Won’t Help Overweight Children Shed Pounds: Study ~ Okay, first of all, bullshit. Secondly, please don’t tell them–it tickles us so to watch the fatties run.

No bowing necessary for Americans ~ And all it cost us was two atom bombs.

And You Know What? It Looks Like We’re Gonna Stay With Our Forks, Too.

Confronted about child porn, man shoots two deputies ~ They should have figured he’d be a little sensitive about that.

Will Starving Yourself Help You Live Longer? ~ As much as bleeding a lot will.

At Estée Lauder, a Brand Is Developed Just for China ~ It’s called “Estée Rauder.”

Woman Sues Ex Over Trove of Secret Tapes ~ Despite what the headline says, we’re inclined to believe that the woman’s lawsuit against her ex concerns a trove of very public tapes.

Man Mauled in Bronx Zoo Tiger Den ~ Both parties got their just desserts.

“He Wasn’t All That GRRRRRRRRRRREAT!”

Headlines: 09.17.12

17 Monday Sep 2012

Posted by in Celebrity, Culture, Entertainment, Politics, Science, Sport, Stupidity

≈ 30 Comments

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By Smaktakula

‘Cause You’ve Already Got The Job, Bro-Ski!

As the news articles of the day are so replete with unfamiliar words and challenging concepts, we’re happy simply to comment on the headlines.

***

Carrying these babies for my brother ~ Is considered taboo outside of Appalachia.

Gulag Reform: Will China Stop Sending Its Dissidents to Labor Camps?  ~ If you first ask yourself just what actions the global community has taken to discourage China’s illiberal ways, you can probably answer this one on your own.

The World’s Oldest Profession For Men ~ Hunter-gatherer.

Shuttle Endeavour embarking on new mission to Los Angeles museum ~ It’ll be the shuttle’s least dangerous and most boring mission to date!

Sea Otters To Combat Climate Change? ~ The working plan is for these adorable sea-weasels to smash climate change against their tummies with a rock.

A Great Many “Green” Initiatives Are Mostly About Looking Cute Anyway.

 Baltimore to immigrants: Welcome in, no questions asked ~ Well, someone’s got to live in that shithole. Why not someone who doesn’t know any better?

Romney assails Obama campaign on Akin, abortion ~ That’s a curious–and rather bold–strategy. But sometimes you’ve just got to turn into the skid, folks.

Muslim leaders are told NYPD spying in NJ ended ~ Civil libertarians praised the decision, saying that the Bill of Rights grants every citizen the right to plot the downfall of the Great Satan without said malefic supernatural entity breathing down his neck.

Michael Phelps spotted with girlfriend on red carpet ~ Do you sometimes wonder if we ever come up with a clever response which is in such cataclysmically rotten taste that even we refuse to use it? Wonder no longer, Friends!

The Weatherman Is Not a Moron ~ What? Sorry, that’s “Mormon.” The weatherman isn’t a Mormon. He certainly is a moron, though.

Dictators are only a couple of belly laughs from revolution ~ Successful dictators simply don’t get jokes.

Zimbabwe’s ChocoFührer Credits His Longevity To Being Terrifyingly Unfunny.

Who’s the monkey? ~ You are, fuck-face. We thought that since you asked, you really wanted to know.

Son, I Think We Know Why You’ve Been Having A Hard Time Getting A Date ~ It’s because you’re adopted. Ha ha! Your mom and I wracked our brains trying think of a funny way to tell you. Sorry, Son–I don’t know why you’re such a loser with the ladies–but I can tell you for sure that you didn’t get it from me!

The light, dark side of anti-Semitism ~ It’s a Frosted Mini-Wheat of intolerance!

Viral video: Sheep that screams like a human ~ It’s an a-a-a-a-a-bomin-a-a-a-a-tion.

Teachers’ Strike in Chicago Tests Mayor and Union ~ Since most of those folks were educated in the Chicago School District, unless someone feeds them the answers, they’re most likely gonna fail that test.

Al Gore calls for an end to the Electoral College ~ After all the Electoral College has done for him? Talk about an ingrate.

Although Regarded By Many As The Winner Of The 2000 US Presidential Election, Al Gore Has Thrown Himself Wholeheartedly Into His New Role As ‘Loser.’

What’s a $4000 Suit Worth? ~ A  € 3,097 suit, a kimono worth 311,025 Yen, or a filthy scrap of burlap with holes cut in it for 1,447,600 Zimbabwean Dollars.

Shark attack Paralympian pictures great white chasing him to win bronze ~ Considering what it cost you, if you had to do it again, do you think you’d picture that monster chasing you for at least a silver?

Opting Out of the ‘Rug Rat Race’ ~ Will put you in a much better position to succeed financially. This one isn’t a joke, people.

Who Is The Smallest Government Spender Since Eisenhower? Would You Believe It’s Barack Obama? ~ Nope. You don’t really believe that either.

If Joe Blanton likes boos, he’s pitching the right way ~ We’re pretty sure that he doesn’t dig the animus from fans at all, and that he just sucks ass.

‘The Waltons’ Meets ‘Modern Family’ ~ Not nearly as charming as we thought it would be. It ends with someone squealing like a pig, if you catch our drift.

“Now, Just What The Hell Do You Mean, ‘Goodnight, John Boy’? The Evening’s Still Young, Sweet-Ass, And You Look About As Juicy As A Freshwater Clam.”

Bill passes to keep mentally ill sex predators off streets ~ Violent sex-fiends do their best work indoors anyhow.

Banning weed is bad medicine ~ THANK YOU.

Girl found in NY lake clinging to dead body ~ Sure it’s icky, but keep in mind this happened in New York. The young woman used the water-logged corpse as a flotation device because her only other choices were a box of medical waste and another corpse.

Romney on healthcare, taxes ~ “Don’t need it, don’t pay ’em.”

The Biggest Innovations in the History of Food ~Sliced bread is often held up as a prime example.

Obama greeted with bear hug by pizza parlor owner ~ BREAKING NEWS: Local lunatic gunned down by Secret Service. Details after the break.

A Nice Sign Or A Friendly Wave Usually Work Best.

Bald Can Be Beautiful

11 Tuesday Sep 2012

Posted by in Celebrity, Culture, Entertainment

≈ 33 Comments

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By Smaktakula

The world fell in love with singer Kellie Pickler when she shaved her head to highlight breast cancer awareness.

See? Bald Can Be Beautiful.

And we don’t disagree. Given the vapid, superficial nature of the entertainment industry, Pickler’s statement is indeed brave. And for those who have lost a loved one to cancer, the singer is a reminder of that person’s courageous struggle.

So who doesn’t love Kellie Pickler?

This chick:

“Die, Bitch! Die!”

***

Headlines: The Real Secret Of Our Success

04 Tuesday Sep 2012

Posted by in Celebrity, Culture, News, Politics

≈ 25 Comments

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By Smaktakula

He’ll Go Halfsies With You On Gas. But For Your Own Sanity, Avoid The Topic Of Non-Aryan Drivers.

In which we comment on the headlines without first reading the articles.

***

The Task in Tampa: Reintroducing Romney ~ Hey–we know social situations can sometimes be awkward. Just put your brave face on, go out there and say, “Hi there folks–I think you remember me, I’m Mitt Romney.” That’s all there is to it.

MMA Fighter Found Naked in Church ~ Witnesses wisely observed from a safe distance until the man wandered off on his own.

TV’s Top 5 Racist Shows ~ #3 is ’60 Minutes.’ Who knew?

Did Your Ancestor Date a Neanderthal? ~ It depends on who you ask. Throgga says that yes, they were boyfriend/girlfriend, but according to Grandpa, they were simply buddies “with an understanding.”

Introducing the Los Angeles Red Sox ~ Why not? LA already has no shortage of crimson-capped carpetbaggers.

Just The Sight Of The Fucking Rally Monkey Sends A Sexual Thrill Through The Collective Heart Of Assface Nation.

Opinion: Is America Ready for a Rich White Man As President? ~Isn’t it time that the elites had a say in how this country is run?

Go-cart chase ends in man’s arrest ~ Tonight, on your local FOX station: World’s Least-Dignified Police Chases.

‘Too High to Fail’ ~ It’s this notion that gives Smaktakula the confidence to get through his day.

Prostitutes add to mayor’s woes ~ Whoops! Typo. Instead of ‘woes’ that should say ‘hos.’ Make more sense now?

Giving teen moms the tools to change their lives ~ Since time-travel has yet to be perfected, here’s a coat-hanger.

What’s So Bad About a Boy Who Wants to Wear a Dress? ~ It’s just that somebody has to tell him he’ll never be able to wear a pencil skirt with an ass like that.

If This Is Comedy, Does That Mean It’s Okay To Laugh At Cross-Dressers? Jeez–Sorry, We Were Just Asking.

‘Honey Boo Boo’: That Joke Isn’t Funny Anymore ~ It’s black humor, though. It’s funny as hell, just not “ha ha” funny, y’know?

Old dude runs down bicyclist ~ Or, ‘Tuesday Afternoon in Coral Gables.”

Man locks self in airplane cockpit ~ Turns out he’s the pilot. Sorry for wasting your time like that.

Why are Sikhs targeted by anti-Muslim extremists? ~ They’re targeted by anti-Sikh extremists. What? So all psychotic extremists look alike to you, is that it? Listen, just because a dude has a monster truck, a Confederate Flag tattoo and a smile that’s more Skoal than tooth-enamel doesn’t mean he’s an anti-Muslim extremist. He could be an antisemitic extremist or one of the myriad genocidal fringe-dwellers that comprise this rich and storied culture. The point is, you just don’t know.

If Obama Really Wants To Reduce Troop Suicides, There’s A Better Option ~ Extricate ourselves from soul-crushing foreign wars. What, too easy?

Is Kanye West Controlling Kim Kardashian? ~ No doubt he is. But someone has to so that the poor girl isn’t left with her mouth hanging open, pissing all over the rug.

“HURRRRRRR!”

American Airlines gives more than 200 flight attendants jobs back 11 years later ~ They call ’em the ‘Air Hags’ now.

Ricardo Rodriguez, WWE Star, Gets Speeding Ticket –And did you hear? Luis Mendoza of the Kansas City Royals got his teeth cleaned!

Univision Chief Protests Lack Of Latino Voices ~ We’re pretty certain he didn’t make this statement while riding public transportation anywhere in Southern California.

“I Wish My Mother Had Aborted Me” ~ In this, you are not alone.

Romney tells supporters how dad got free McDonald’s for life ~ By claiming to find a rat’s leg in his Chicken McNuggets.

Breaking: Venus and Serena Williams are in really good shape ~ Will their example help tennis finally shed its image as a sport for great big fatsos?

Fatty Here Has More Chins Than The Shanghai White Pages.

Katie Holmes Is Getting Very Little From Tom Cruise ~ Which is why she divorced him.

Prince Harry in naked photo scandal ~ So do we go with a “Staff of Nobility” joke or the more pedestrian “Crown Jewels?” Ha! Neither. Sadly, the public is now aware of the terrible price that royal inbreeding has exacted from Harry; he has a club penis.

Detroit man excels at beating carnival games ~ And since he possesses the most useful, non-criminal skill in all the Motor City, we made him the mayor!

What We’ve Come to: About Half of Retired People in the U.S. Die with Less Than $10,000 in Financial Assets ~ Because it apparently matters how much money you have when you’re dead.

Men, Who Needs Them? ~ Do you think you could survive in a world of unopened jars?

What Will You Use These For After The Kids Are Weaned?

Headlines: The Snake That Grows When You Stroke It

20 Monday Aug 2012

Posted by in Celebrity, Culture, News

≈ 27 Comments

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By Smaktakula

Obama’s Regular Polling Of Swing-State Female Voters Indicates Their Growing Excitement About His Stimulus Measure.

In which our interests lie in the headlines, but not the stories themselves.

***

After 400 Pound Weight Loss, Man Gains the Weight Back ~ But you know what?–He’s a bigger man for it.

Rage Against the Machine Rages Against Paul Ryan ~ Understandable, as taking offense is the band’s Raison d’ être. Raging, man–IT’S JUST WHAT THEY GOTTA DO!!!

Persistence Is Key to Treating Sexual Pain ~ After she’s heard ‘Who’s ready to do the nasty?’ a couple thousand times, she’ll loosen up.

Woman who rescued animals killed by dog ~ Check your local TV listings for the Lifetime Network adaptation of this heartbreaking story, A Dog Called Irony.

Off-Duty Cop Crashes Motorcycle Into Little Girl Then Kills Her Enraged Dad ~ When Officer Onslaught’s actually ON the job, his body count must be through the fucking roof!

“Do You Think They Paint Crosswalks On The Street Just So You Can Cross Wherever You Fucking Feel Like?”

Attacks May Cost Great White Sharks Protected Status ~ If they’re so concerned about that, they might have paused for reflection before gobbling up all those Aussies.

Assange berates United States from Ecuador Embassy balcony ~ Also known as the ‘Pussy Perch.’

Preacher Says He Cures The Sick By Punching And Kicking Them ~ It could work, actually. That’s how Dad finally cured Smaktakula’s bed-wetting.

A Novel Asks Seattle to Laugh at Itself ~ That’s expecting a lot. You’d have better luck trying to convince Las Vegas to show some respect for itself.

Peter Jackson: ‘I’ve Never Actually Read A Comic In My Life’ ~ And lo, a million virginal voices cried out as one.

“From Hell’s Heart, I Stab At Thee!”

When My Crazy Father Actually Lost His Mind ~ That sounds like a tough one to really pin down.

A Guide to Russian Band Pussy Riot’s Oeuvre ~ If you’re unfamiliar with the word ‘oeuvre’, you might be thinking it’s dirty. Sadly, no.

US beats Mexico in Mexico for 1st time ~ It’s not as big a deal as it sounds. There just hasn’t been too much of a need for the US to go to Mexico, what with most of Mexico being here all the time.

An Ex-Wrestling Executive Wins a GOP Primary ~ Yeah, but you know that shit’s all fake, right?

Where Do Sentences Come From? ~ What the hell? Listen, we’re gonna have to insist that you shut that spastic yapper of yours. Yeah, you’re no longer allowed to ask questions.

15 of the Cutest & Shortest Celebrity Men ~ Or 15 celebrity men whose work we no longer take quite as seriously as we once did.

Aside From Portraying Elves At Christmastime, About The Only Use For The Short Is Making Normals Look Really Tall. And Handsome.

The ‘Penis Snake’ Looks Exactly As You’d Think ~ Quite a bit smaller than advertised.

Accused Child Foot Licker Blames President Obama ~ Obama surrogates were quick to counter that Obama had merely inherited the foot-licking situation from President Bush, and furthermore, that ‘foot-licking’ was coded racism.

Pig legs left at proposed mosque; federal probe sought ~ Yeah, somebody’s being a dick, but do we really have to make a federal case out of it? Oh, right–silly fucking us.

Can the WNBA Benefit from Olympic Gold? ~ Hey, anything’s possible, right? First, though–what’s a WNBA?

Quadruple amputee prepares to swim Bering Strait ~ Meanwhile,  his family stoically prepares for a burial at sea.

“Dave, It’s RIGHT THERE! Just Grab The Ring, Man! Dave! Dave!…Damn! Can He Not Hear Me Or Something?”

Comeback of photo booths exposes yearning for what’s real ~ Because nothing’s more real than a glossy, full-color facsimile.

A Complete Guide to ‘Hipster Racism’ ~ “Yeah, right now I like to hate on Andorrks. Andorra is a very small principality in Europe. You probably haven’t heard of it.”

Hassles of Air Travel Push Passengers to Amtrak ~ That Amtrak is pot-friendly doesn’t hurt, either.

Female governors and Rice speakers for GOP ~Aaargh! See? It’s THIS kind of thing that gets people so pissed at the Republicans.  Honestly, would it kill them to say “Female governors and Chinese-Americans?”

9 New No-Nos for Your Parts Down Below ~ Man…NEW ones? Organized religion, political correctness and the era of AIDS have pretty thoroughly circumscribed our options already.

Actually, This One Probably Should Remain A No-No.

Headlines 07.13.12

13 Friday Jul 2012

Posted by in Celebrity, Culture, History, News

≈ 47 Comments

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By Smaktakula

We’re Just A Little Surprised That Hallmark Hasn’t Figured Out A Way To Cash In On This Yet.

In which we comment on the day’s headlines without first bothering to read the stories.

***

More Women Look Over the Counter for a Libido Fix ~ At Waldo’s ‘All Things Vibrating’ Pleasure Emporium.

How to Tell Your Partner You Have IBD: 7 Ways to Make Them Understand ~ Irritable Bowel Disorder? Somehow, we think your partner already knows.

Ticks & Pregnancy: How To Protect Yourself ~Ticks are sweet-talkers, that’s for sure, but you need to protect yourself, Honey. You tell him, “I don’t care if it IS smaller than a dust mote–no glove, no love!”

Should Everyone Get an Instadeath Pill When They Turn 75? ~ Oooh, great question! Ask yourself that one when you turn 74, jackass.

Motorcycle officer lassos runaway bull ~ Wow! A dude could fly to the moon, cure cancer, bang the Queen of England and STILL not be as cool as that guy.

Whatever. You Know You Would.

Dominic Deville, An Evil Birthday Clown, Stalks Your Child For A Fee ~ Yawn. Thanks to the National Sex Offender registry, it’s never been easier to find someone who will pay ME for the privilege of stalking my child.

Mom Who Wants 14-Year-Old to Get Breast Implants Needs Serious Help ~ No kidding she does!–Junior Misses’ Fake Funbags don’t come cheap. So pony up, folks!

Former CIA spy advocates overthrow of Iranian regime ~ “The way I see it, we could depose the legitimate government, and maybe put in some despotic strongman who will act in the interest of the oil companies for twenty-five years or so until the people rise up and replace him with an anachronistic and dangerously intolerant theocracy, which could then seize a bunch of Americans…wait, wait, wait…did we already do this?”

Hotel guard kills self in gun prank; CCTV footage records incident ~ Ha! Good one! And he got it on camera so he can watch it later.

7 Ways You’re Hurting Your Daughter’s Future ~ #5 is not getting her the Barbie Ultimate Dream Playhouse she’s been asking for. She’s not fucking kidding about that.

Greek leader defies France, Germany on their turf ~ Picking on the French is no big deal; you can kick ’em through the streets of Paris if that’s your thing. But leave the krauts alone. When those people get the idea in their heads that there’s an insidious foreign presence in their midst…well, they go a little nuts.

Seriously, Greece–Put Some Thought Into It Next Time. Do You Really Think Poland Likes Having To Start From Scratch Every Couple Generations?

Saddened Town Recalls History With Drug Giant ~ When he was sober, Paul was a gentleman. But then he’d get to sniffing that glue, and it wouldn’t be long before every building in town was a pile of smashed timber and the streets drowned in a river of blue ox-shit.

Anti-booty camp for male teen porn addicts ~ The camp experience harkens back to an earlier time, when there was no electricity or running water, and teenage boys had to flog the dolphin to a crumpled picture of Kathy Ireland from the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue.

WILL FERRELL AND GORDON RAMSAY INJURED IN CHARITY SOCCER MATCH ~ Sometimes you don’t have to look very far to find proof of God’s existence.

When a Government Rapes Its People ~ Well, what did the people expect, going out dressed like that?

Study – Cancer Survivors Die From Other Things ~ Yeah, that’s  a mind-blower. But here’s where it really gets weird: it turns out that people who DON’T get cancer die of other things at an even higher rate!

Sandy Alderson rips SF Giants fans ~ Those people are just plain evil, and the reasons to hate them myriad.

Wearing This Cap Is An Excellent Way To Tell The World That You Were Suckled By A She-Lemur And That You Think The Holocaust Was A Great Big Lie.

Parents Charged With Killing Daughter’s Pimp Acted Too Late ~ Apparently, pimp-killin’ has a very specific, 24-hour legal window. After that, you have to settle for a pimp-slap.

Why Is The Penis Shaped Like That?  ~ Really? So Mom & Dad never had this talk with you? Okay, well have you ever noticed how your index finger is shaped perfectly to fit inside your nostril? It’s kinda like that.

The Y-Chromosome Is Shrinking! Will Men Go Extinct? ~ If so, you won’t have very long to savor your victory.

New Mexican President Could Target Small Gangs ~ Entirely likely, as it’s the larger gangs to which he’s beholden, like the Zetas or the Mexican Army.

Kate Middleton’s ‘Rotten’ Teeth Reveal the Secret Behind Her Smile ~ It’s no secret that Kate’s British.

The Pain Can Help You Forget That You’re Eating A Boiled Kidney Pop-Tart With Blood-Gravy Filling Swimming In Brown Sauce And Vinegar.

Ernest Borgnine: Wasn’t Dead Before, Is Now

08 Sunday Jul 2012

Posted by in Celebrity, Entertainment, News

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By Smaktakula

Ernest Borgnine: Really Great In That Movie Or Movies That He Did.

Yeah, he just now died. So you probably want to apologize to that person with whom you were recently arguing about this very thing, and admit that you were wrong. Tell him that you were thinking of Abe Vigoda.

Not Actually Dead.

Headlines 06.20.12

20 Wednesday Jun 2012

Posted by in Celebrity, Entertainment, Music, News, Politics

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By Smaktakula

Relax, Nobody’s Dead. They’re Talking About “Any Sensation Whatsoever.”

In which we comment on today’s headlines, without reading the articles.

If you’re like us, you instinctively distrust those pedantic know-it-alls who doggedly insist upon keeping abreast with the affairs of the day. Friends, reading weakens the legs.

***

Nasty, harsh, overcrowded: Life in a Honduran prison ~ Nevertheless, these institutions remain the Honduran equivalent of a 3-Star hotel.

Zombie Hoax Terrifies Florida Town ~ But now that you’ve had your fun, why don’t you leave those poor people alone? After all, your typical Floridian is about as sharp as a sack of wet mice.

Miley Cyrus—Has One of Her New Songs Been Leaked?! ~ No, no. That sound you hear is a leaking hose on the air-conditioner. Reasonable mistake, though.

Friends don’t draw on faces ~ We’re sorry that you never got the opportunity to attend a four-year institution, bro.

Afghanistan gets veto power on night raids ~ Our staunch allies in the War on Terror reason that if raids are conducted during daylight hours, American forces will have a better opportunity to experience Afghanistan’s many natural wonders.

One Of The Most Beautiful Countries On Earth. The Sucky Part Is That It’s Absolutely Crawling With Afghanis.

In Hollywood, an ’80s Moment ~ Adding the word ‘moment’ to another word–say, for example, ‘teaching moment’–lends an added punch of poignancy. It also makes you sound like a precious assweasel. From now on, just let the moments happen.

Vacuum scares adorable kitten ~ There aren’t too many things which strike us as ‘adorable,’ but terrorizing small and defenseless animals is unquestionably one of them.

B6 may help you recall dreams ~ Perhaps, but a sufficient dose of LSD will let you LIVE them.

Defending the Choice to Be Childless ~ People are so judgmental. Listen, for some people, having children is the right choice. Others, however, find just as much satisfaction in being an evolutionary doorstop.

What to do if you’re raising a bilingual child who refuses to speak Spanish ~ Well, you’re not really raising a bilingual child then, are you?

“Man, It’s A Mess In Here! Doesn’t Anybody Clean The Third Floor Any More?”

Pope’s Butler Formally Charged With Leaks ~ (You’re expecting us to go with something along the lines of So the butler REALLY did do it! aren’t you? Har Har. You’ll wish we had, though…) Normally what happens in the Vatican stays in the Vatican. If the Church has demonstrated anything over the past couple millennia, it is not only the capacity–but also an eagerness bordering on compulsion–to plug little holes.

Preacher: No new rapture date in sight ~ Finally! We thought you’d NEVER realize that the Almighty was just fucking with you.

Team embraces gay athletes ~ Hopefully their brave example will be followed by the rest of the figure skating community.

Affair over for student & teacher ~ Well, we didn’t want to say anything, but Tyfinny-Krystal was starting to look a little long in the tooth.

Ladies–If You Want To Hold On To Your Man, You’ve Got To Think Young!

Missing leg found at sea ~ Yeah, but if even the sharks don’t want it, we’ve got to figure that leg is practically worthless.

How the Military Has Won Egypt’s Presidential Election ~ Pretty much how the military always manages to win elections. It’s not by wasting a lot of time standing around voting, that’s for damn sure.

Old & alone? How about retiring in jail? ~ Right? ‘Cause nothing makes you feel young and loved in quite the same way as does hiding a shiv in your ass-crack.

Dating event bans fat people ~ It wasn’t because they were fat, though–just that their hooves kept marking up the dance floor.

Meet Jon Gosselin’s New Girlfriend ~ We didn’t catch her name. But listen–if you’ve got $75 and a carton of Virginia Slims, she’ll do this *thing.* We’ll tell you this much: it involves a ring-tailed lemur & a Flowbee, and it’s illegal pretty much everywhere but Thailand.

Yeah, Dignity And A Well-Developed Sense Of Self Are Nice And All, But At The Same Time, You Can’t Squeeze Them And Make Honking Noises.