15 Friday Jun 2012
Posted in Celebrity, Culture, Entertainment, Music
Tags
false predictions, Hammer Time!, MC Hammer, outright lies, self-deception, stars of yesteryear, Too Legit to Quit, Where Are They Now?
Ultimately, The Effort To Hide His Illegitimacy Proved Too Much For Hammer.
After assuring us that he was too legit to do any such thing–MC Hammer quit.
24 Thursday May 2012
Tags
Arkansas, Barack Obama, death by cancer, Does Nature Want You Dead? Yes It Does., Fiona Apple, gay marriage, headlines, Mitt Romney, muslims, Opera, Rick Santorum, Robin Gibb, Rocky the Flying Squirrel, Secret Service, Why am I so lonely?, Won't Ask Don't Care
…And Makes A Friend For Life.
Fiona Apple’s new album title is 23 words long ~ We’ll have to take your word for it. We kinda zoned out after the word “Fiona.”
Obama challenged in Arkansas primary ~ The Arkansas primary also features a challenger to the law of gravity.
Latest Met Aria: Bad Opera News Is No News ~ Good opera news is similarly worthless.
Bear attacks man in outhouse ~ Relying on conventional wisdom, the man foolishly thought he would be safe from bear attacks while in the outhouse. Folks, hopefully you won’t have to learn the hard way that regardless of what you’ve been told, bears don’t always shit in the woods. Likewise, while it’s true that a frog’s ass is indeed water-tight, it should be noted that, excepting those individuals suffering from certain embarrassing conditions, so is yours.
Rick Santorum feels like Rocky Balboa ~ And yet he looks more like Rocky the Flying Squirrel. Glad you’re gone, Rick. Stay gone.
“Marriage Is A Pact Ordained By God Almighty Between A Moose And His Squirrel.”
Robin Gibb, member of the Bee Gees, dies after battle with cancer ~ Hey, you know that song Staying Alive?…what? Oh, whatever–you people are so sensitive. Too bad he didn’t write a song called Too Soon.
Penn Judge: Muslims Allowed to Attack People for Insulting Mohammad ~ Because killing folks with whom they disagree is a central tenet of the faith, and you’re just going to have to learn to respect that.
Romney takes big lead in Arkansas, Kentucky primaries ~ The dimwitted hillbillies were delighted to be a part of the democratic process, not knowing what ‘fait accompli‘ means.
Welcome to the mortgage-free housing recovery ~ ‘Cause there ain’t no fixed-rate APR on a cardboard box.
He’s Living The Dream.
Woman fighting foreclosure arrested ~ Damn right. Every time we throw a punch at that smart-mouthed lady from the dry-cleaners, we spend a night in jail. It’s only fair other people should be punished for fighting, too.
Pit bull saves owner from oncoming train ~ And then devours him.
Jewish leaders expressed outrage ~WHAAAAAA?!? Normally they’re so passive about insults real & imagined.
Dating site: No ugly people ~ Sometimes–like chocolate and peanut butter–you wonder just what the hell took them so long to think of this.
In Your Heart Of Hearts You Know That Love Was Never Intended For One Such As You.
Man drowns after swan attack ~ Sad. When this happens, it means not only is Mother Nature out to get you, but that she has no respect for you whatsoever.
Kids with cancer: “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” ~ Nobody’s had the heart to break the bad news: cancer kills.
Coroner: UK spy found in sports bag likely killed ~ So you read that the body of a secret agent has been found crammed inside a piece of sporting equipment and you immediately make the leap to foul play?
What I want Obama to say about gay marriage ~ The same thing we want him to say about straight marriage: nothing.
Sometimes We Wish You Guys Would Just Fuck And Get It Over With.
Would-be suicide bomber was U.S. informant ~ “If I had to do it again, I probably wouldn’t inform the US about my would-be suicide bombing attempt. In retrospect, that just seemed to defeat the whole purpose.”
Romney: American kids get ‘third-world education’ ~ Well, sure–because Romney could afford to send his children to private school. But don’t the rest of us have a right to expect a third-world education for our children as well?
What time do women want it? ~ The hour varies, but they call it ‘Smaktakula Time.’
Boy wonder comes of age on Wall Street ~ More specifically, in an anonymous bathroom stall of a Wall Street Dunkin’ Donuts.
Secret Service agents were ‘brutes,’ prostitute says ~ Folks–consider this one very seriously for a moment. Would you feel any more secure believing that the men in whose hands the President entrusts his very life were tender lovers?
“Fast? Baby, I Just Got That Out Of The Way So That I Could Take Care Of YOU. Now Let Me Show You A Little Something They Call ‘The French Z.’ ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ”
04 Friday May 2012
Tags
1970, Cambodia, David Crosby, Graham Nash, Kent State, Kent State Massacre, massacre, May 4th, Neil Young, Ohio, Ohio National Guard, protesters, Richard M. Nixon, Stephen Stills, this day in history, Vietnam Conflict
On which the simmering combination of angry anti-war protesters and nervous Ohio National Guardsmen reaches a violent boil, inspiring a great Crosby, Stills, Nash & Young song.
“Tin Soldiers And Nixon Coming, We’re Finally On Our Own . . .This Summer I Hear The Drumming–Damn, This Song IS Catchy.”
15 Thursday Mar 2012
Tags
bewaring is a real word!, DEVO, Et tu Brute?, Google Maps, Ides of March, Julius Caesar, malt liquor, March Madness, Mexico, New Mexico, St. Ides, there's a NEW Mexico?
"Don't Give Me That 'Et Tu' Shit--You've Had All Week To Fill Out Your Bracket."
On which we celebrate America’s perverse and persistent predilection for unproductive pastimes, and the gazillions of work hours lost to the inanity (you’ll note we didn’t say insanity) of March Madness.
St. Ides Won't Keep You Safe From Danger, But Can Make It So That You Just Don't Care.
The plethora of information available through the internet never ceases to amaze us. Using Google Maps to view the floor plan of a house owned by the parents of a young lady whom he’s stalking, Smaktakula recently made a fascinating discovery. Apparently, there’s now a NEW Mexico. We couldn’t be more pleased, as the idea was long overdue–let’s just hope that they take better care of it this time.
It Kinda Looks Like The Old Mexico To Us.
The effervescent, complex bouquet that is Promethean Times can’t be explained by anything so simple as a music video. But if it could, this would be the video:
So maybe that explains a lot, or perhaps you’re still in the dark.
06 Tuesday Mar 2012
Tags
1906 San Francisco Earthquake, boobs, breastuses, Celebrity Death Watch, date rape, Dave Mustaine, death by old age, divorce, Does Nature Want You Dead? Yes It Does., Drew Barrymore, drugs, dyslexia, Eddie Murphy, fat people, France, has-beens, headlines, heroin, hos, Lady Gaga, LiLo, Lindsay Lohan, little people, LSD, Lybia, lycergic acid diethylamide. LSD not LDS which is something very different, Megadeth, moobs, poor judgement, pop biology, prostitution, Rick Santorum, Shakira, short people, skanks, Smaktakula's decades-old vendetta against the French, Smaktakula's distrust of short people, stalkers, Star Trek, sweet lady meg, the French, Trekkies, trippin' balls, TSA, Where Are They Now?, Why am I so fat?, Why am I so lonely?, Why am I so stupid?, women of easy virtue
Oh, Man! If We Had A Dime For Every Time This Has Happened.
Megadeth’s Dave Mustaine backs Rick Santorum ~ See Kids? A bacchanalian life of drug-fueled debauchery is not without its consequences. Although the pernicious effects of addiction upon the family structure are well-documented and widely known, critical-thinking skills and good judgement are additional casualties.
The Upside of Dyslexia ~ There is no dog-bamn u9sibe!
‘Star Trek’ Divorce: Fan Forced To Leave Spaceship Digs ~ He should take some consolation in the fact that as someone who has, however briefly, known the carnal delights of female affection, he’s relatively unique among Trekkies.
Don’t worry, Eddie Murphy lives ~ We weren’t worried. Were you?
Libyan militia accused of torturing to death ambassador to France ~ The ambassador repeatedly cried out “Mercy,” which as you know means ‘thank you’ in French, so in a way he was asking for it.
When It Comes To Holding A Grudge, Smaktakula Does Not Fuck Around.
Story: Woman stalked for 17 years: ‘I don’t think it’s over’ ~ Really? After nearly two decades, you don’t think he’s ready to move on?
Miracle baby born from a single sperm ~ Although we were inattentive (at best) in biology class, our understanding is that barring a multiple birth, the formula is 1 sperm +1 egg = 1 very expensive, back-talking pet.
Rising NBA star sleeps on sofa ~ That’s where a lot of former NBA stars sleep as well.
OUTRAGE: TEEN PERP INVOLVED IN NEAR-FATAL SHOPPING CART PUSH MAY WALK ~ Would you people rather have him go through life a cripple? Not Promethean Times. We believe in you, Teen Perp!
So Very Brave.
“Help! I hate my husband.” ~ It sounds like you’re doing just fine, and don’t need our help despising your spouse.
One-Night Stand or Rape? ~ If you can’t satisfactorily answer that question on your own, maybe you shouldn’t drink so much.
Shakira saved from sea lion ~ How many times do we have to tell you?–Nature does not have your best interests at heart.
Gaga’s scent smells like expensive hookers ~ We prefer the delightful bouquet of burned crack infused with fear-sweat and just a hint of urine that distinguishes so many of today’s down-market hos.
Her Designer Fragrance Is Called ‘As Dead I Well May Be.’
Evidence: Hitler had love child ~ ‘Love’ child doesn’t really work in the same sentence as ‘Hitler.’ We know it’s not particularly politically correct, but if there’s ever a time to bring back ‘bastard,’ this is it.
Really? The Claim: Excess Weight Raises the Risk of Acne ~ Because it’s that zit on your nose that’s keeping you home on Saturday nights, man-tits.
Style icon dies at fashion show ~ How gauche!
Police: Mom gave kids heroin ~ Kids today don’t know how nice they have it. We considered ourselves lucky if Mom gave us a nutmeg & codeine-syrup cocktail and told us to ‘Fuck off for a few hours,’ so she and Uncle Whatshisname could have some privacy.
O’Donnell & Handler offend little people ~ Yeah, but who cares what the little people think?
Making People Short Is God’s Way Of Letting Us Know They Don’t Matter.
San Fran earthquake survivor dies at 109 ~ When you take into account that the Great Quake was in 1906, it’s tragic how long that guy suffered.
Is Drew Barrymore Expecting? ~ Expecting what? We figure if that chick were fertile, she’d have been knocked up years ago.
TSA agent turns mother’s boobs into tourist attraction ~ We visited. Truly a land of milk & honey.
Ohio victim’s brother: ‘Lost my best friend’ ~ And his brother got killed–talk about a shitty day!
Cocktail of Popular Drugs May Cloud Brain ~ Wait–intoxication is a possible side-effect of consuming drugs? The devil you say!
I Was Only Dropping Acid To Restore My Ph Balance, And Had No Clue That I’d Be Trippin’ Balls. I’m A Gazebo, By The Way.
11 Saturday Feb 2012
Posted in Culture, Entertainment, Music, News
Tags
Bobby Brown, Celebrity Death Watch, dead celebrities, death by Bobby Brown, death by drugs, drugs, encephalitis is no laughing matter, foolish choices, gold digger, love is blind and stupid, so sad, Whitney Houston
Whitney Wasn't Always A Reality Star. Once Upon A Time Being Famous Required Having Talent.
Whitney Houston is dead at 48 a representative of the beloved singer announced today. Although cause of death has yet to be determined, even an encephalitic gibbon knows that drugs were the most likely culprit.
After a series of chart-busting hits the 1980s and the early 1990s, Houston’s reputation and career began a rapid simultaneous decline in the late 1990s, as the multiple-platinum artist devolved into a ranting, crack-addled bag lady. The enduring tragedy of Houston’s story is that her beauty, voice and innocence–the three transcendent qualities which made the performer unique–had been squandered long before she died.
Kids, Don't Do Drugs. But If You Absolutely Must Do Drugs, For Heaven's Sake, Do Them Correctly.
As with all stories of addiction and degradation, Houston’s fall did not occur overnight. She came to her abject and fatal road by a variety of paths, each winding tortuously through thickets of shame and poor choices and into the pungent morass of despair. Those various and meandering trails, however, if diligently followed, all terminate at a single source.
Nice One, Asshat.
03 Friday Feb 2012
Tags
alternate history, Chad, Cyndi Lauper, death by John Lennon, death by Ringo Starr, drugs, Germany, John Lennon, Mexico, murder, New York, outright lies, Ross Perot, succubi, the Beatles, the woman who destroyed the Beatles, Why God? Why?, wish fulfillment, Yoko Ono
You're Just Giving Us Ideas, Yoko.
Some call it ‘The Day the Music Didn’t Die,’ and for others it is simply ‘Ononacht.’ In Germany the holiday is known as Tag der toten Hexe, and goes by Tiempo de Quietud in Mexico. In Chad it’s a complicated series of clicks. This auspicious date is known by myriad names throughout the world: regardless of what it is called, nearly everyone remembers the event through the same blood-hued image of a deranged, frozen-fish wielding John Lennon beating to death a wailing Yoko Ono.
Proof That No Matter How Powerful Or Talented, When Drugs Enter The Picture, A Man Will Fuck A Tree-Sloth.
New Yorkers will recall how the biting cold which had settled over the city on that December day in 1980 was almost magically dispelled as the happy news began to spread throughout the city: Despised succubus Yoko Ono was dead, beaten about the head and face with some kind of fish–possibly a cod or grouper, and then stabbed twenty-eight times with a glass chrysanthemum. The news that John Lennon was the sole suspect in the slaying was met with little surprise, but much empathy.
The Assault Was Vicious And Unprovoked.
Initially, authorities were reluctant to pursue charges against the legendary singer. Said a police representative, “We scoured the scene looking for any shred of evidence that Ms. Ono’s demise was simply a happy accident; we had our best men on it. I may have my own feelings on this matter, but the law is very clear: if there’s a dead body, we’re required to find a perp. And since Mr. Lennon was discovered at the scene crouched weeping over Ono’s battered carcass and bathed in her eerie greenish blood, there wasn’t much I could do.”
The Reaction To The News Of Yoko's Death Was Immediate And Unanimous.
Lennon was acquitted after a two-month trial, his legal team having mounted a spirited and successful justifiable homicide defense. Although this verdict proved only slightly controversial in 1981, it is unanimously heralded today, as Ono’s death removed the final obstacle preventing a long-awaited Beatles reunion. Sadly, the Beatles’ comeback album, Still Lettin’ It Be, proved a commercial and critical failure, the majority of which was attributed to Ringo Starr’s drum playing. Today, however, the album is remembered more fondly, particularly as only two of the Beatles remain alive–Ringo died along with Cyndi Lauper in a 1986 murder-suicide pact, and George Harrison was slain two years later by crazed fan Ross Perot.
Banging Yoko Ono When You're A Rock Star Is Like A Rich Dude Buying A Chevy Lumina. Why Would You Do It?
Yoko Ono is a relic of a horrible and best-forgotten past, who, if she is remembered at all, is known as the Delilah who nearly destroyed the greatest rock & roll group of all time. We can be grateful, however, that she did not succeed, and imagine instead a world where it was Lennon rather than Ono who was slain, and where the shrieking, talentless howler monkey lived on leech-like upon the great man’s legacy. Such a possibility is too depressingly horrible to even contemplate.
That's Just Not A World In Which We Want To Live.
04 Wednesday Jan 2012
Tags
Beatles, Cee Lo Green, censorship, dogma, heresy, John Lennon, NBC, New Year's Eve, New York City, Religion, sacred texts, shut your mouth!, the Word of God, Yoko Ono
"Tell Me Who's That Writin' / John The Revelator / Tell Me Who's That Writin' / John The Revelator / Who's That Writin' / John The Revelator Wrote The Book Of The Seven Seals"
If he had to do it again, musician Cee Lo Green most likely wouldn’t have ushered in 2012 with a blasphemous appearance on national television. He did, however, and just a few days later a reeling public is still hurt and confused.
It remains unclear just why the singer insulted the faith of millions with his callous comments, but unless he can somehow manage to right his rapidly sinking ship, Green’s actions may have seriously damaged his career. With the exception of the lunatic fringe, the music-buying public tends to avoid those artists associated with hate.
"He Got Hair Down Below His Knees / Hold You In His Armchair / You Can Feel His Disease"
Here’s what happened: Green was scheduled to perform John Lennon’s Imagine before an audience of millions on NBC’s New Year’s Eve broadcast from Times Square. But Green, apparently ignorant of the sacrosanctity of Lennon’s lyrics, changed the words of this immortal song. While Lennon originally sang “nothing to kill or die for/ and no religion too,” Green sang, “Nothing to kill or die for/ and all religion’s true.”
This is highly offensive to Lennon’s fans, who despise the dogma and rigidity of organized religion, and have loudly lambasted Green for his insensitivity. Lennonists contend that the Word of John must remain inviolable if it is to act as a bulwark against the crippling conformity and monomania of organized religion.
"Well You Know / We All Want To Change Your Head / You Tell Me It's The Institution / Well You Know / You Better Free Your Mind Instead"
15 Thursday Dec 2011
Tags
Apolo Ohno, Ashton Kutcher, Britney Spears, childish sexual innuendo, Colorado, crackheads, Denver Broncos, Elizabeth Taylor, fat people, Finland, Godzilla, great white shark, headlines, Japan, Jesus Christ, Justin Bieber, Leonardo DiCaprio, Lindsay Lohan, Los Angeles, masturbation, moochers, Nadya Suleman, old people, Pauly D, rape, Tim Tebow, Tokyo, Twilight, Uranus
Reading Any Further Would Only Spoil The Fun.
Asians, Too, Mated With Archaic Humans, DNA Hints ~ So it’s not just Ashton Kutcher.
Did Lohan crash DiCaprio’s party? ~ Look, just because I let you blow me once doesn’t mean you can come to my parties. Twice, whatever. Get the fuck out.
Scientists plan Uranus probe ~ Heh.
Women Who Raped 17 Men Wanted More Than Just Sex ~ It took that long to find a man who was willing to cuddle.
Will Japan build a backup Tokyo? ~ Wouldn’t you? One more Godzilla attack and that place is history.
Only The US And Chinese Militaries Have Caused More Damage To Japan’s Infrastructure.
LAPD investigates Bieber fan ~ Since when has liking shitty music been a crime?
Ex-Colorado Sheriff Accused of Trading Drugs for Sex Sits in Jail Named After Him ~ AWK-ward.
How the Finns stole Thanksgiving ~ On skis, just like they do everything else.
Apolo Ohno’s Secret Stress Reliever ~ Masturbation, and lots of it.
Mobile cage lets divers cruise alongside great white sharks ~ Sharks counter with gigantic, fin-cranked can opener.
No, ‘crackheads’ won’t get you ~ And we’re just supposed to take your word for that?
Crack Aficionados: They Seem Cute On TV.
Los Angeles fire captain held in heroin sting ~ The fire captain is a boy. Boys are called heroes.
Man goes a year without money ~ It takes friends far less time to learn to hate that moocher’s fucking guts.
Hip repair for Barry Manilow ~ It’ll take a lot of work. Barry was never hip.
Opinion: Tebow can thank this guy for win ~ Is it Jesus? It’s Jesus, isn’t it?
“Go Broncs!”
Vineyard owner says hiring citizen workers was failure ~ Interminable stories about darling grandchildren didn’t have the salutary effect the growers anticipated.
‘Octomom’ Nadya Suleman’s doctor wants license restored ~ He’s hardly the first dude to impregnate a dangerously unstable welfare mom.
Twilight may be hazardous to your health ~ Prolonged exposure will turn you into an eleven-year-old girl.
Brady makes little boy cry ~ Looks like the scandal doesn’t stop with Penn State.
Having to think about the unthinkable ~ Is, by definition, impossible.
Elizabeth Taylor’s look, for less ~ Eat lots & lots of fried foods.
This Is What Timeless Beauty Looks Like.
Why Islamists Are Better Democrats ~ Because the Republicans have a ‘No Arabs’ policy.
Housewife to pen memoir ~ This Floor Is Clean to appear in stores next spring!
The Cheapest People in America ~ Dude, you best remember who signs your paycheck.
Pauly D and Britney Spears Party in Puerto Rico ~ At this point, it’s kinda hard to tell who’s slumming.
Live: Packers pounding Vikes on the way to 9-0 ~ You know, in certain circles that could mean a bunch of gay men are taking painkillers. Maybe it does anyway.
Make Your Own Caption. We Suggest Something About “Roughing The Passer” Or “Tight End.”
16 Tuesday Aug 2011
Tags
cancer, childish, crude, douchebaggery, foolish choices, golden showers, New York, Olympics, On Golden Pond, Oregon, poor impulse control, Portland, public urination, R. Kelly, Robert "Sandy" Vietze, skiing, smooth move Ex-Lax, Team USA, urination
Vietze's Career Is Golden And Smells Of Ammonia.
Talented downhiller Robert “Sandy” Vietze found out too late that when he urinated on a little girl during a flight to New York, he was also pissing all over his once-promising Olympic career. The elite skier, 18, reportedly traded Olympic gold for a golden shower when he hosed down the sleeping 11-year-old during a redeye flight from Portland.
It Happened Pretty Much Like This.
Although he has been removed from the US Team roster,Vietze will likely escape prosecution because the girl, who was travelling to New York with her cancer-stricken father, is to too traumatized to provide evidence. She and her family are trying to make the best of this horrifying experience.
When You Wake Amid A Golden Shower, It Can Seem Overwhelming.
Vietze is obviously concerned about that public reaction to the incident not be overblown, claiming that his actions were inadvertent and completely out of character. The athlete doesn’t want to be painted as irresponsible, explaining that he had no way of knowing that the eight alcoholic drinks he consumed immediately before takeoff would have such a profound affect on his judgement.
R. Kelly Also Likes To Pee On Little Girls, But Unlike Vietze, He'll Make Honest Women Of Them.
Promethean Times 