By Tardsie
Take A Few Moments During The Holiday To Remember The Victims Of Easter Violence.
Happy Easter, Folks!
24 Sunday Apr 2011
Category Archives: Culture
Basketball Players’ Assault On Cheerleader Kinda Funny If You Think About It
22 Friday Apr 2011
Tags
Amanda Hanneman, assault, Basketball, cheerleaders, disgraced athletes, double standards, homophobia, hypocrisy, ignorance, Jessra Johnson, male cheerleaders, objectifying women, Smaktakula's hypocrisy can sometimes be astounding, thugs, University of Missouri
By Smaktakula
Cheerleaders Should Be Objectified, Not Attacked.
Disgusting. Vile. Hateful. These were a few of the words which sprung to many people’s minds when they first heard that two University of Missouri basketball players had assaulted a cheerleader. According to the police report, the two senior forwards are alleged to have broken the victim’s nose.
Amanda Hanneman: Clearly More Interested In Peace Than In Beating Up Cheerleaders.
The shocking revelation that the cheerleader was a male and his attackers women injected some well-needed levity into the situation, and also highlighted the victim’s undeniable courage in both reporting this assault and in admitting to being a male cheerleader.
Someday The World Will Recognize You For The Trailblazing Pioneer That You Are. Homo.
OMG! NKOTBSB 4EVR!
14 Thursday Apr 2011
Tags
Backstreet Boys, boy bands, BSB, Donnie Wahlberg, George Bernard Shaw, George Foreman, Johann Sebastian Bach, Muhammad Ali, N'Sync, New Kids Forever! Still Hangin' Tough Baby!, New Kids on the Block, NKOTB, NKOTBSB, proctological health, stupid shit little girls like, William Shakespeare, Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart
By Smaktakula
Before You Criticize, Take A Good Long Look At Your High School Senior Photo.
It’s a team-up for the ages, a meeting swimming in historical portentousness: Ali & Foreman fighting side-by-side, Shakespeare and Shaw joining forces, a collaboration between Mozart and Bach–the two greatest forces in achingly adolescent boy-band pop have come together to rock your world, Girl.
The Backstreet Boys Want To Remind You How Important It Is For Men Over Thirty-Five To Have Yearly Proctological Exams.
So call the babysitter right now–never mind that it’s a school night. What was only a schoolgirl’s fantasy in the waning days of the 20th Century has become a reality in the second decade of the 21st. In the most tantalizing of flavor combinations since peanut butter met chocolate, the fresh young fellows of best-selling boy band the Backstreet Boys have teamed up with teenybopper godfathers, the now-ironically named New Kids on the Block, to form NKOTBSB. This awesomely anachronistic amalgam is greater than the sum of its parts, calculated to set hormones ablaze for the first time in over a decade.
PT EXCLUSIVE! A Sneak Peak At The Official NKOTBSB Tour Shirts!
The series of sexy initials has already released a single highlighting the boys’ persistent fear of the dark, ‘Don’t Turn Out the Lights.’ NKOTBSB doesn’t plan to stop there–a full-length album is forthcoming, followed by a rockin’ summer tour.
Prefers Hasselhoff To NKOTBSB. But What Does He Know? Hes A Deaf, Crazy, Deceased Kraut.
According to fans, the only thing better than NKOTBSB would be N’SYNKOTB, a combination of the New Kids and the remaining members of former boy-band, N’Sync, some of whose members have actually met success story Justin Timberlake.
Expected To Join The NSYNKOTBSB 2022 Tour, Filling In While Donnie Wahlberg Recovers From Gastric Bypass Surgery.
Don’t Turn Out the Lights:
NKOTB + BSB = Approximately 1,600 pounds of pure, unadulterated AWESOME.
This Day In History: April 12th, 1861 CE
12 Tuesday Apr 2011
Tags
1861, American Civil War, April 12th, Confederate States of America, Confederates, CSA, Ft. Sumter, incest, Johnny Reb, sister-marryin', slavery, South Carolina, states' rights, this day in history, United States of America, War Between the States, Yankees
On which South Carolinians use martial means to express their displeasure with the Yankee occupation.
This Wasn't Just About Slavery, But States' Rights As Well. Also Sister-Marryin'.
“Fellahs! Fellahs! We’re all Americans here–let’s remember to keep things civil.”
Hudgens Sets New Standard In Leaked Nudie Pix
11 Monday Apr 2011
Tags
Amber Portwood, bad decisions, closeted entertainers, High School Musical, internet pornography, poor impulse control, stupid shit little girls like, Sucker Punch, tween romance, Vanessa Hudgens, Zac Efron
By Smaktakula
We Only Bring This Up Because There Seems To Be Kind Of A Pattern Going On Here, But You Know They DO Make Cell Phones Without Cameras In Them.
Quickly following the theatrical release of her crossover bid Sucker Punch, racy photos of tween idol Vanessa Hudgens were released on the internet. This makes an astounding third time the unlucky actress has seen her intimate photos leaked. In an amazing coincidence, all three leaks have occurred while films featuring Hudgens were playing in theaters. Despite being the victim, societal double-standards and Hudgens’ own status as a role model, should be enough to bring the blame for this incident squarely on the young starlet’s shoulders.
If You Rent 'High School Musical' Expecting To See Anything Like This, You're Going To Be Disappointed. A Lot.
Although they are few in number, Hudgens has her defenders, who point to her recent breakup with actor Zac Efron. Supporters contend that the sudden absence from Hudgens’ life of such a juggernaut of testosterone-drenched heterosexual dynamism has affected both her judgement and libido.
Sometimes We Fear Zac Will Never Find The Right Girl.
Of course, the loudest voices will ring with scorn and derision. Moralists will find much to condemn in these images, as will those who think the human body is a source of shame and sin. But with the scandalous proliferation of internet nudie pix by such low-rent hags as Amber Portwood, isn’t it a bit of a nice change every now and then to see an attractive person naked?
Look--Your Best Shot Is To Go For 'Pretty On The Inside'--And We Have To Tell You, This Is Not Helping.
K-Fed, Serial Impregnator
08 Friday Apr 2011
Tags
baby daddy, Britney Spears, career death by K-Fed, famous for nothing, haters gonna hate, K-Fed, Kevin Federline, professional baby daddy, Rebecca Black, serial impregnator, Shar Jackson, untalented stars, Victoria Prince, white trash
By Smaktakula
"I Have This Many Childrens Now!" Good Try, Kev--You Got A Little Closer That Time.
Professional baby-daddy Kevin ‘K-Fed’ Federline has likely spawned his fifth child according to a source close to the expectant mother, former professional volleyball player Victoria Prince. K-Fed’s brood currently includes two children with actress Shar Jackson and a pair with white trash survivor Britney Spears.
Say What You Will About The Man, But No Shortage Of Reasonably Attractive Women Are Willing To Sleep With Him.
Of the many roles K-Fed has played over the years (backup dancer, rap artist, career-killer) none appears to satisfy him as much as fatherhood, particularly since siring children is the only activity for which he has shown any measurable aptitude. It’s a safe bet that K-Fed will continue to knock ladies up for years to come, so long as there remains at least one kind soul who will let him do it.
Who Will Be Next? "You Like Fridays? NO WAY!--I Like Fridays, Too!"
Bonus: K-Fed’s immortal ‘Popozão.’
That shit is fire, we assure you.
Po, Po, Po, Po, Popozão, Popozão!
Herpes Horror At Berlin Zoo
08 Friday Apr 2011
Tags
animal husbandry, Berlin, Berlin Zoo, childish sexual innuendo, elephant, Germany, Germany's dark history, herpes, Knut, polar bear, Shaina Pali, Teutons, ursine, venereal disease
By Smaktakula
Cute Little Bugger, Isn't He? Sadly, He's Dead Now.
All is not well at the Berlin Zoo, where recently two high-profile animals have met mysterious–and bizarre–deaths. This is an embarrassment to the Germans, and a source of concern for animal-lovers around the world
The first casualty was Knut, the zoo’s biggest attraction. The beloved Polar Bear lived a hard life in his four short years. He was rejected by his mother at birth, but quickly taken to the warm and accepting bosom of the German people. Recently, however, fans were shocked when the adorable ursine dove into the moat around his enclosure, never to surface. The polar bear only a Teuton could love died of what is being called an infection.
Historically, The Germans Have Had A Hard Time Keeping Sentient Beings Alive In Captivity.
Following close on the paws of Knut’s demise came the sad news that another animal had died. Shaina Pali, a six-year-old Indian elephant, was found dead by her trainer recently when he came to check on her at 7:00 AM. Autopsy reports showed that she had likely died of elephant herpes, which is particularly pernicious in pachyderms. The last person to see her before she died was new assistant trainer, Rolf ‘Cold Sore’ Stussenhimmel, who confirms that the creature appeared to be in good health when he last saw her, and moreover was in “a very good mood.”
Shaina Pali Poses With A Shrieking Barn Rat In This Undated Photo.
Hopefully the mysterious animal deaths at the Berlin Zoo will stop with Shaina Pali. However, even if they do, something not-quite-mended has again been broken, and the German reputation for rigorously upholding the sanctity of all forms of life seriously impugned.
"I See Dead Animals."
Old Lady Takes Out Armenia’s Internet
07 Thursday Apr 2011
Tags
Armenia, Armenian Genocide, Armenian Holocaust, Azerbaijan, freaky things people eat, genocide, Georgia, Holocaust, internet, Turkey, yogurt soda
By Smaktakula
Even With The Internet Down, This Armenian Super-Computer Still Has A Utilitarian Function.
An elderly Georgian woman is facing legal action after accidentally terminating internet service to Armenia. This is an especially hard blow for the tiny temporary country, which is said to be struggling to find its feet and constantly on guard against neighbor and historical enemy Turkey, which tends to erase Armenia from the map every couple of generations.
Technology Problems Can Be Devastating For A Culture Which Has Yet To Discover Edible Food.
The elderly prankster says she was digging for copper when she inadvertently stripped the data-carrying line, causing the data outage in Armenia, as well as in some parts of Georgia and Azerbaijan. Although authorities fixed the problem within a few hours, the incident was said to be a tremendous inconvenience for the dozen or so Armenians familiar with the internet.
"Without The Internet, How Can I Send Out My Daily Reminder About The Armenian Holocaust? It's Not Fair--Everybody Talks About The Jewish Holocaust, But We Had Ours First, And It Was Way Better."
Ivorian Crisis In Endgame; World Finally Notices
05 Tuesday Apr 2011
Tags
African strongmen, Alassane Outtara, Barack Obama, France, impoverished third-world hellhole, international community, Ivorians, Ivory Coast, Laurent Gbagbo, Muammar al-Gaddafi, places that suck, tyrants, United Nations
By Smaktakula
The People Of Ivory Coast Have Thrown Of The Shackles Of Oppression And Embraced Their New Tyrant.
At last it appears that the months-long electoral crisis in Ivory Coast is about to be resolved to the world’s satisfaction. The international community has long backed challenger Alassane Ouattara over incumbent Laurent Gbagbo, believing that it’s high time the tiny West African nation had a new overlord.
Alassane Ouattara "My Opponent Failed To Realize That The International Community Was Semi-Serious About Regime Change."
Ouattara appears up to the challenge. During the months-long standoff, the UN-supported candidate’s forces have managed to kill more civilians than the beleaguered Gbagbo, whose powers as an African strongman appear to be fading.
"After So Many Months Of The Ivorian Stalemate, At Last An End Is In Sight, An End Which Reflects The Will Of The Free And Sovereign People Of Ivory Coast, Who Have Used This Freedom To Pick A Strongman Of Their Own Choosing, Who Will Trample Liberties In Accordance With The People's Wishes And Not Act As An Irresponsible Autocrat."
International leaders have noted Gbagbo’s weakness. Normally-cautious US President Barack Obama felt emboldened enough by the developments to call for Gbagbo’s immediate ouster. Time is clearly running out for yesterday’s despot, who is said to be confined to his residence, and close to announcing a cease-fire.
The World Signaled Its Commitment To Ending The Crisis By Sending French Forces To Ivory Coast.
Ouattara is said to be eagerly awaiting the changeover. His supporters promise that the Outtara regime will usher in an era of freedom and democracy that will last as long as the new leader is in power, which is expected to be several decades.
If You Can't Unseat The Tyrant You Hate, Baby, Better Unseat The Tyrant You Can.
Charlie Sheen Downgraded From ‘Douchebag’ Status In Light Of Illness
04 Monday Apr 2011
Tags
batshit crazy, Charlie Sheen, Charlie Sheen is a drugged-out wifebeater, Charlie Sheen is batshit crazy, Charlie Sheen Will Never Escape The Brat Pack's Terrible Event Horizon, Chicago, death by Special Fred, Detroit, douchebaggery, dweebs, geeks, Illinois, LARPers, mental illness, mental illness is not funny, Michigan, My Violent Torpedo of Truth/Death is Not an Option, nerds, Special Fred, Special Olympics, the Warlock, trainwrecks, winning
By Smaktakula
Seriously, Charlie Isn't Even Trying To Make It Difficult For Us Anymore.
After lengthy consultations with prominent physicians, lawyers and spiritual advisors, Promethean Times has agreed to conditionally rescind Charlie Sheen’s douchebag status. The doomed former television personality’s obvious mental illness likely indicates a complete lack of control over his own life and career, both of which are in freefall.
Possibly the only individual in the Western World not fully cognizant of the pathetic nature of the actor’s plight is the Warlock himself. The toothless cretin received a warm reaction from a Chicago audience during staging of his spectacle, My Violent Torpedo of Truth/Death is Not an Option, despite being nearly booed off the stage at the debut in Detroit.
Also Called 'The Warlock,' But He Had The Name First. If You Don't Believe Him, As His Mom. She Worked On The Costume.
Along with thousands and perhaps millions of other publications, Promethean Times has repeatedly mocked Sheen in the past. We’re going to try really hard not to do so in the future.
Seemingly overnight, picking on Charlie Sheen has become like heckling an athlete at the Special Olympics. Sure, it seems like a good idea, and it’s pretty easy to do–but it leaves you spiritually untethered and consumed with bitter self-loathing.
"Dude, You Were Warned To Stop Saying That Shit. Now Freddy's Gonna Have To Make You Bleed."
Promethean Times 