Category Archives: Crime

Kurt Cobain’s Spirit Exacts A Slow And Terrible Vengeance On Courtney Love

29 Tuesday Jun 2010

Posted by in Crime, Drug Culture, Drugs, General Foolishness, Justice, Music, People, Poetry, Relationships, Scandal

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Courtney Love, Generation X’s heroin-slagged answer to Yoko Ono, is an oozing societal sore which refuses doggedly to heal.               

The most heinous of her crimes, of course, is being so loathsome that Nirvana’s Kurt Cobain found the taste of a shotgun preferable to the thought of spending even one more second listening to Love’s screeching voice.              

Included among the vast legion of people who consider Love an epic cooze is the talentless harpy’s own daughter, Frances Bean Cobain.  The younger Cobain prevailed upon the court recently to emancipate her from the chemical-crazy she-beast from whose cankerous loins she sprang.  The court mercifully agreed.               

Unfortunately for young Francis Bean, the trust fund left for her by her father’s estate won’t be as easy to emancipate.  Just as Krist Novoselic and Dave Grohl already know, nobody clings with greater tenacity to the fruits of more talented labors than does Courtney Love.  Adding insult to injury, the trust fund has grown mysteriously lighter, to the tune of $8 Million.*               

Hey Pretty Lady, Was That Your Fine Ass I Saw Down At the SELL-UR-BLOOD The Other Day?

In a final irony, the ravages of an indiscreet lifestyle have transformed Courtney Love from a shapely, Anna Nicole Smith-wannabe into a virtual doppelgänger of Yoko Ono: a yellow, shriveled, screaming mess.               

This Would Be Funny If It Weren’t So . . . Hell, It IS Funny: Click Track – Courtney Love leads Hole through disastrous 9:30 club concert.               

*Sources close to this vapid skank estimate that $8 Million worth of OxyContin would keep Ms. Love high for the better part of two weeks.
Smaktakula

George Sherrill Is A Douche

24 Thursday Jun 2010

Posted by in Baseball, Crime, Games, General Foolishness, People, Sports

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You might not know who this guy is . . .

And The Fact That You Have Two First Names--One Of 'Em Girly--Has Not Escaped Our Notice.

. . . but you’re gonna have to trust us.  This guy sweats douchebaggery from his pores.

Dear Leader Tells N. Korea Soccer Team: It’s Arr Good, Ferrahs!

23 Wednesday Jun 2010

Posted by in Asia, Culture, Games, Human Rights, International Relations, Justice, People, Politics, Relationships, Soccer, Sports, World Affairs

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By Smaktakula

Word came quickly from Pyongyang today in an effort to quell the persistent rumors that Supreme Leader Kim Jong-il is displeased with North Korea’s poor showing at the World Cup.  The team’s first match, a respectable 2-1 loss to highly ranked Brazil, was followed by a humiliating 7-0 ass-whupping at the hands of Portugal.          

This Man's Poor Performance Not Only Shames His Nation, But Also Costs His Daughter Her Thumbs

Said a representative of the impoverished third-world hellhole:          

The Dear Leader is very pleased with the effort of our beloved national athletes, although he is, of course, disappointed at the results.  Likewise, there is no truth to the rumors that Kim has executed the atheletes’ parents, only to cook them and serve them to the defeated players upon their return.          

He continued:          

Nor should any credence be given to the wild allegations that the water supply to atheletes’ homes has been cut off.  Like everyone else in North Korea, they never had running water.          

Following their disappointing performance, the players are no doubt eager to leave the chaos of the free world behind and return to a simpler life in North Korea.          

The athletes will be given a hero’s welcome.  Just as Promethean Times went to press, Pyongyang announced that the Dear Leader would be hosting a private banquet for the footballers upon their arrival in North Korea.          

"When You Great Athretes Get Home, I Got Rearry Big Surprise For You. I Think You Rearry Gonna Rove It!"

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Shannon Price Is A Cooze

18 Friday Jun 2010

Posted by in Crime, Hollywood, Justice, National Events, People, Relationships, Scandal, Television

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Nothing ad hominem about it . . .          

To Add Insult To Injury: I Wouldn't Put Out

. . . Ms. Price let her husband die.  As such, our vulgarity is germane to the discussion.       

Even if this unrepentant black widow never sees a courtroom for her deeds, she’s doomed to live out the rest of her days, saddled with the guilt of killing the goose that lays the golden eggs.*       

*By ‘goose that lays the golden eggs’ we mean ‘small black actor who, insofar as we are able to determine did not actually lay golden eggs,’ but was a human being with all humanity’s accordant dignity, and deserved neither his sad death nor the snide comments Promethean Times has been making since then, up to and including this sentence. 
Alas, we’re inveterate hypocrites.

Promethean Short Short Stories: Cain’s Offering

17 Thursday Jun 2010

Posted by in Christianity, Crime, Culture, Justice, Literature, Mythology, People, Promethean Short Short Stories, Relationships

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By Smaktakula

Directed more by some entropic and unknowable inertia than by free will, Dora felt herself take two uncomprehending steps backward until her backside met the stove, which squealed briefly in protest.

The smoking gun in her right hand was spent and had become heavier somehow, as if it had swapped cold lethality for substance.  She let it fall, refusing to acknowledge either it or the spreading pool of blood spotlighting Martin like a mandorla on an Orthodox icon. 

Mama’s voice worried inside Dora’s head: Baby, did you mean to do it?

As hot, bitter tears spilled over the back of the hand clutched to her mouth, Dora answered: I don’t know.

It was God’s truth.

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Crazy Bastard Thwarted In Bid For Awesome, Meaningful Death

17 Thursday Jun 2010

Posted by in Culture, General Foolishness, International Relations, Justice, Middle East, Military, Mythology, National Events, People, Terrorism, World Affairs

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Ailing nutjob Gary Brooks Faulkner apparently decided that if his time was short, he’d do his damnedest to drag Osama bin Laden down to hell with him.  Supplied only with the essentials–pistol & ammo, dagger, night-vision goggles and hashish–this nutty buddy somehow made his way from Colorado to Pakistan to go mano a mano with the FBI’s most-wanted man.         

Reportedly, Faulkner didn’t waste valuable energy and time attempting to determine friend from foe.   Anyone foolish enough to approach the Bucket-List Rambo received the same response: wild-eyed death threats.         

Sadly, Pakistani forces managed to capture Faulkner after a tense standoff.  In doing so, they denied this patriotic and batshit crazy American the honor of laying down his life in a knife fight with a cadre of bin Laden’s elite guards, while their master huddles cowering behind them; or of tumbling off a sheer cliff while locked in a death-embrace with bin Laden himself, perhaps voicing a cool exit line like, Neither of us comes back from this one, Osama; or as is a lot more likely, a lonely death from exposure in the vast and trackless wilderness of Pakistan, Faulkner’s final hours haunted by delirium and a maddening thirst, huddling pathetically in the meager shade provided by a boulder while hurling increasingly weak and nonsensical curses at the punishing sun.         

No One Here Gets Out Alive

Is One More Crazy Fucker In Pakistan Really Such A Big Deal? American Detained in Pakistan Had Sights on bin Laden – NYTimes.com.         

Smaktakula

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BP Reduced To Clutching At Silly-Straws

15 Tuesday Jun 2010

Posted by in Corporate Culture, Crime, General Foolishness, Health, National Events, National Politics, Places

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While BP’s ruptured well in the Gulf of Mexico continues to spew crude like Charlie Sheen on a runaway Tilt-O-Whirl, the nefarious petroleum giant’s brain trust has run bone-dry.      

This BP Researcher Asks: WWBD?

In the early days of the crisis, BP’s Idea Men knew that to realize workable solutions, they would need to ask new questions.  Working at a fever-pitch, sometimes logging 20-hour days, it was less than two months later when BP scientists asked themselves the question which would prove their interrogative Rosetta Stone:     

What if the rupture and resulting spill had occurred not in the Gulf of Mexico, but rather in Gotham Harbor?      

In the simple elegance of the question, an answer quickly asserted itself: Giant Scissors!      

It's Been 56 Days. What The Fuck, Right?

Having Something To Do Keeps BP Executives From Hanging Themselves: FOXNews.com – BP to Use Giant Shears to Cut Leaking Pipe.     

Smaktakula

Driving With Tommy Chong Not Necessarily A Death Sentence

14 Monday Jun 2010

Posted by in Crime, Culture, Drug Culture, Drugs, General Foolishness, Human Rights

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Promethean Times has long been regarded as the last of the truth-tellers, a lonely voice in the wilderness trumpeting to all who will hear it the nefarious doings of the Cannabis Mafia, as well as its dangerous and irresponsible dream of universal stonerdom.    

Shockingly, new data indicate that these media-savvy burnouts have advanced their shadowy agenda further than even the most strident critics had believed possible.    

Sleeper operatives within the LA Daily organization have planted a news story designed take the edge off America’s very-justified fears about doobie-digging drivers.  This story, which relies upon a supposed “study” indicating that marijuana has a far-less pronounced effect on driving ability than previously believed, may lead America’s children into believing that stoned driving is “groovy.”    

AP File Photo: LA County School Bus Drivers

Promethean Times would like to remind you that driving under the influence of the demon weed is not a “gasser,” “hoot” or  “trip;” it is illegal.    

No Thanks, Hemp-Head–I’m Catching A Ride With Kiefer Sutherland: Driving Under The Influence Of Marijuana Not Such A Bad Thing – Los Angeles News – LA Daily.    

Smaktakula

All Men Are Created Equal (Not Really)

09 Wednesday Jun 2010

Posted by in Constitutional Issues, Crime, Culture, Justice, National Events, National Politics, People, Political Correctness, Race

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By Smaktakula

For those who don’t know, a hate crime is a crime that is committed against a black, disabled, jewish or gay person that isn’t committed by a black, disabled, jewish or gay person.

The distinction can be tricky.  Simply hating someone and then committing a crime against them is not sufficient to be considered a hate crime.  Likewise, because a crime is hateful, doesn’t automatically qualify it as a hate crime.  For example, stabbing an elderly woman 13 times in the face for her social security check is not, in and of itself, a hate crime.  Supposing however, that the old lady in question is a lesbian while her attacker is not, then it is indeed a hate crime.

Hate crimes are considered more heinous than other crimes.  As such, they carry stiffer sentences than their non-hate brethren, in much the way that stealing $1,000,000 is considered worse than stealing $49.50.  Given that the first sum is worth more, most people would agree that the theft of same should carry with it a more rigorous penalty.

Logically then, the types of people who are potential victims of hate crimes are of greater value to society than those who aren’t.  Were this not the case, all crimes of a similar nature (i.e., assault, rape, murder, being salty) would be punished equally under the law.

Since all crimes of a similar nature do not meet this criterion, it follows that the least worthy element in our society is the straight, white, ambulatory male.

When Viewed In This Light, It Does Make A Certain Sense.

Great Moments In American Diplomacy: D Day

07 Monday Jun 2010

Posted by in Culture, Europe, History, International Relations, Justice, Military, Mythology, Politics, Relationships

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June 6, 1944: On Which The Hun Is Made To Understand That His Evil Shenanigans Will No Longer Be Tolerated.

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