Tag Archives: jackassery

Nimrod The Hunter

19 Tuesday Oct 2010

Posted by in History, Stupidity

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By Smaktakula

Very little is known about Nimrod the Hunter, and much of the information available about the ancient ruler is of uncertain historical accuracy.  Moreover, some texts, like the Bible and Talmud, offer differing accounts of Nimrod’s life.

Believed by some to be a wise and learned king, by others to be an incestuous despot whose hubris spawned the Tower of Babel, it’s difficult to describe the historical figure of Nimrod with any certainty.  However, all sources agree on one point: Nimrod was an unparalleled badass.

"Nimrod The Hunter Demands Wenches And Ale!"

Tragically, although Nimrod’s renown has long since faded into historical silence, his name remains in common use.  But instead of tough-guy machismo, the name is now associated with dudes like this:

What A Fucking Nimrod.

The Skonk

23 Monday Aug 2010

Posted by in Cinema, Culture, General Foolishness, Health, Hollywood, People, Political Correctness, Reality Television, Relationships, Scandal, Television

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By Smaktakula

In preparation for our upcoming multi-part investigative series on modern whoredom, Skanks In The Crosshairs, the Promethean Times Research Staff spent hundreds of man-hours reading tabloids, clipping articles from old issues of People Magazine we’d liberated from dentists’ offices, and lots of solitary time in the screening room.  The benefits of this research exceeded our initially modest expectations.  Immersion into the tawdry world of skandom produced a wealth of data, which when put in proper context revealed a number of generally held misconceptions regarding skanks as a whole.

Perhaps no subject in all of skandom is more misunderstood and veiled in half-truths than that of male skanks, or skonks.  Ironically, almost two-thirds of the respondents in a Promethean Times survey characterized themselves as “somewhat knowledgeable” to “very knowledgeable” about skonks.  A chasm exists between what is commonly known about skonks and what is believed to be known.  Perhaps it is in that gulf that the skonk will reveal himself.

Johnny Depp: His Skonk Oil Is Worth Millions.

Firstly, the popular notion that skanks outnumber skonks is a complete falsehood.  In fact, skonks outnumber skanks at a 2:1 ratio, even after accounting for the numerical differences between the male and female population.  It is perhaps because of this very ubiquity that the media tends to focus its attention on skanks rather than skonks.

This information also debunks the myth that skonks make up only a small percentage of all males.  The consensus among experts is that well over half of all men are skonks, with a majority positing of 70-85% skonk saturation.  One reason this figure is so inexact is that unlike skanks who tend advertise their skankiness, a sizeable portion of skonks endeavor to keep their skonkitude hidden.

Nor are gay men immune to skonkitude.  In fact, it is believed that the percentage of skonks among gay men is far higher than among the population as a whole.  One expert, who places the figure somewhere around 97%, says, “It’s pretty hard to find a gay man who isn’t a skonk.”

Angel Of The Morning: Skonk Life Is Not All Sunshine And Giggles.

Some famous skonks and non-skonks:

Historical

Napoleon was a skonk; Hitler was not.

Secret Skonk: Gandhi

Great Minds

Oppenheimer wasn’t a skonk, but Einstein was.

Secret Skonk: Karl Marx

Film & Television

Colin Farrell, David Letterman, Russell Crowe, Eddie Murphy, Bill O’Reilly, Woody Allen and myriad more are skonks.  Pat Sajak and one or two others too obscure to name are not.

Secret Skonk: None

Music

Mick Jagger is a skonk; John Lennon was not.

Keith Richards is a skonk; Paul McCartney pretends to be a skonk.

Secret Skonk: Morrissey

Presidents of the United States of America

Presidents Jefferson, FDR, Kennedy, Clinton and several others were First Skonks.  Presidents Lincoln, McKinley, Wilson, Nixon, Bush (41) were not.

Barack Obama is not a skonk; George Bush (43) was a skonk in his youth, but has since reformed.

Secret Skonk: William Henry Harrison

"Damn, It Feels Good To Be A Gangsta."

Fictional Characters

James Bond is a skonk; Sherlock Holmes is not.

Elmo is a skonk; Big Bird is not.

Secret Skonk: Fred From Scooby Doo

Friends of Promethean Times

Charlie Sheen and Michael Murphy are skonks; Grigori Perelman and Rolando “Cashew Dick” Negrin are not.

The Haimster was a skonk; diminutive and dearly missed virgin Gary Coleman was not.

Secret Skonk: Kim Jong-il

"Hate The Game. Don't Hate The Praya."

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Colorado No Longer Among The Minority Of States Where Charlie Sheen Has No Criminal Record

20 Friday Aug 2010

Posted by in Celebrity, Cinema, Crime, Culture, News

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By Smaktakula

Cretinous tabloid headline Charlie Sheen is heading back to rehab at the court’s insistence.  Sheen is to spend thirty days at a rehabilitation facility, followed by thirty days of probation.  This makes it a full sixty days before he can go on a bender or backhand the woman he loves without automatically going back to jail.

Jenny Was Playing So Well, Too. It Was Such A Shame That She Had To Hit Herself In The Face With Her Racquet Five Times.

For a brief moment in the late 1980s and early 1990s, Sheen was thought to be on the verge of movie stardom.  This becomes somewhat more understandable when it is remembered that the same era gave us the Look Who’s Talking? and Three Men And A Baby franchises, Max Headroom and funnyman Pauly Shore.

Sheen is reportedly eager to serve out his time and get clean.  Following that, it’s expected he’ll return to doing what he does best: intoning shitty material that wouldn’t even be recognizable as an attempt at humor without the Pavlovian laugh track to squeeze some chuckles from the mouth-breathing audience.

His best shot at continued success is to stick to a simple formula: Don’t hit the bottle, don’t hit the wife.

Sheen, Seen Here At A White Power Rally, Has Shed Every Last Vestige Of The Human Being Named Carlos Estevez.

Connubial Turkey Shoot

18 Wednesday Aug 2010

Posted by in Asia, Crime, Culture, General Foolishness, Social Networking

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By Smaktakula

On a day which, barring one regrettable action, would have ranked among the best in his life, Tevfik Altin’s world quite suddenly turned to shit.  By the time the sun had set, this Turkish newlywed found that he was not only a patricide, but also whatever a person who kills his aunt is called.

Things turned sour when Altin chose–in retrospect, perhaps unwisely–to participate in the celebratory local custom of firing an AK-47 into the air.  Altin, clearly a Turk above all others, somehow managed to slay his father and two aunts.  He also injured six other people, three of whom were children.

Police promptly arrived on the scene and took that turkey into custody.

"This Is The Happiest Day Of My Life!"

Mongolian Nazis? We Get It. Wait . . . No, We Don’t.

11 Wednesday Aug 2010

Posted by in Asia, Culture, General Foolishness, History, Mythology, Race, Relationships, Social Networking, World Affairs

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By Smaktakula

For fans of historical reenaction and other loveless shut-ins who spend their days pondering what would happen if Adolf Hitler and Genghis Khan united in an anachronistic super-villain team up, this is as close as you’re likely to get.            

Give Them Points For Effort At Least: “Führer” Is Hard Enough To Pronounce With An American Accent.

The other villagers are said to be searching desperately for a way to gently shepherd these confused young men into accepting some uncomfortable, yet indelible, truths.       

Something’s Cooking In The World Of Competitive Sauna

10 Tuesday Aug 2010

Posted by in Culture, Duh, Europe, Games, General Foolishness, Health, Sports

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By Smaktakula

The sporting world is still aboil about the news dispatches steaming out of Finland reporting the tragic death of Russian quasi-athlete Vladimir Ladyzhensky.  Ladyzhensky, along with his Finnish opponent Timo Kaukonen, collapsed during the annual World Sauna Championships in Finland.  Both men suffered severe burns and were admitted to the hospital, where Ladyzhensky later died.                             

It May Look Easy, Kids--But If You Want To Make It To The Big Leagues You've Got To Say Your Prayers, Eat Your Vitamins And Practice, Practice, Practice!

Thanks in large part to recent media coverage, a new generation of fans is coming to appreciate this exciting and fast-growing ‘sport.’  The roots of competitive sauna reach far back into Finland’s history; hanging around in a hot, steamy room with other dudes has long been a favored pastime.  The ghastly exercise in masochism has been a professional sport in Finland since 1999.                             

Although most Finns readily welcome the dizzying globalization of their sport, they remain fiercely proud of its Finnish origins.  This pride has manifested itself in a variety of ways, including the recent creation of a Finnish Bureau of Tourism.  The Bureau’s first act as a body was to devise the popular slogan: Finland–A Little More Than Just Reindeer!                          

When It Was A Game: Florida Prison Farm Inmates Played Not For Money, But For The Love Of Competitive Sauna.

Ladyzhensky’s shocking death can’t help but cast a pall over professional sauna.  Inwardly, everyone connected with the sport is no doubt plagued by the same internal question: Could we have done something to prevent this?                             

Sadly, the answer is No.  Self-recrimination is a part of human nature, and while some soul-searching is probably inevitable, it comes to little in the end.  Although this terrible event will no doubt be parsed and dissected by historians for generations to come, the exact cause of this tragedy will never truly be known.  That athletes die sometimes with no apparent cause is perhaps the cruelest lesson that sports can teach us.                          

"What The Fuck Is Wrong With You People? Damn."

Vladimir Ladyzhensky may have left competitive sauna, but the rare Russian will forever be seared into the collective consciousness of the game he loved.   His fellow competitors will no doubt shed a collective tear* in his memory as they take that first barefoot step into the searing death-oven that is the symbol of this much-beloved pseudosport.  Ladyzhensky wouldn’t have wanted it any other way.                             

*This is intended for figurative purposes only.  When one’s profession involves killing time in a 230° hot box, remaining well-hydrated is the surest strategy to victory, and may help to stave off death for a few precious seconds.

Update: George Sherrill

22 Thursday Jul 2010

Posted by in Baseball, Crime, Culture, Games, General Foolishness, People, Sports, Television

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By Smaktakula

No change, folks–still a douche.      

By Blowing Two Games On Three Pitches, George Demonstrates His Rare Mastery Of Hyper-Efficient Incompetence.

Profiles In Suckery: ERA 7.48  IP 21.2  ER 18  BB 17  SO 12  BLSV 3*      

The difference between George Sherrill and a Little League second-stringer?  That shitty beard.    

We’ll keep you posted.     

* In baseball parlance, these statistics indicate Mr. Sherrill is in the midst of a particularly awful season.

Michael Steele: Cut And Run

02 Friday Jul 2010

Posted by in Duh, General Foolishness, History, National Events, People, Politics, Terrorism

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By Smaktakula

Michael Steele’s impotent tenure as Chairman of the Republican National Committee has come to the sad end everyone has long expected.  Steele, who aside from being a black Republican is best known for his remarkably incompetent boobery, recently referred to the Afghan conflict as ‘a war of Obama’s choosing.’  This claim is absolutely true, if by Obama he means George W. Bush.  Otherwise, it’s pretty idiotic.    

But Steele wasn’t done: “This was not something that the United States had actively prosecuted or wanted to engage in,” he said.  This statement is also true, assuming that the “not” was a verbal typo.  If it wasn’t, this statement would sound moronic coming from an encephalic six-year-old.    

"Okay, We've Got Three Happy Meals, Two Milkshakes And An Apple Pie. Would You Care To Supersize It?"

Happy Thoughts For Today: Racking The Rev

28 Friday May 2010

Posted by in Celebrity, Culture, Religion, Stupidity

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Picture Reverend Fred Phelps of the Westboro Baptist Church getting kicked in the nuts. 

"God Hates FaYEAAAAAAARUGH!"

Have a great one!

Wretched ‘Bachelorette’ Contestant Wishes He Had Just Said “I’m Prompt”

26 Wednesday May 2010

Posted by in Culture, Duh, General Foolishness, Humor, People, Reality Television, Relationships, Social Networking, Television

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In a dark and slightly moist basement somewhere, Rolando “Cashew Dick” Negrin is jumping for joy.    The TSA worker and his stunted penis have done their time in the barrel, and are now free to slink off into blessed anonymity.  With a single request, “Shooter,” a contestant on TV’s The Bachelorette, catapulted himself from obscurity to become America’s newest and most exciting target of ridicule.   

“Ask me about my nickname,” Shooter urges the Bachelorette, hilariously ignorant of the humiliation tsunami he has set in motion, which comes crashing down upon him just a few minutes later.    

No, It's Not Because I'm A Good Golfer

Hey!  Wanna Hear Why They Call Me Guy Who Once Had Sex With A Chicken?  It’s Kinda Embarrassing: The Bachelorette Meets Shooter, the Man With the Saddest Nickname Backstory Ever — Vulture.