Although They Don’t Celebrate Holidays, Every Day Is A Party For The Witnesses.
Admit it, you don’t know much about the Jehovah’s Witnesses other than that you fear them. For many, the sight of a well-dressed, smiling couple patrolling the neighborhood can instill the same fear that a gang member would. Unlike that gang member, whose interest in your house is only a possibility, the Witnesses are guaranteed to knock on your door, copy of The Watchtower in hand.
Unlike Jews Or Muslims, The Jehovah’s Witnesses Exist For You To Mock.
You may know some of the more peculiar details of the Witnesses’ faith–the failed doomsday predictions, their lack of cool holidays or Witnesses’ refusal to salute the flag. Moreover, they refuse blood transfusions and military service. Most peculiar of all, like Jews and Seventh Day Adventists, Witnesses choose to ruin their Saturday with church, rather than the accepted Western tradition of Church on Sunday.
Pull The Curtains And Turn Off The TV Unless You’ve Got Three Hours To Kill.
But most people don’t know the price the Witnesses have paid over the years for their anti-militaristic views. Their refusal to serve in World War I angered fascistic governments in Germany and the United States, resulting in persecution and imprisonment. During the Holocaust, Jehovah’s Witnesses paid with their lives, sent to the camps along with Gypsies, Jews, homosexuals, communists and common criminals. But unlike many of the others, whose offense to Nazi Germany was tied to some immutable condition, all the Witnesses had to do to save their own lives was to shut up about the Holocaust. Contrarians to the end, they refused. Their devotion was such that SS captains implored their lethal stooges to be as fanatical as the Jehovah’s Witnesses.
You Had No Fucking Idea, Did You?
Lastly, everyone must agree that given the Witnesses’ literal belief that only 144,000 souls will be admitted to heaven, it’s pretty generous of them to go door to door every week. With such a small number of the elect slated to make it into heaven, a Jehovah’s Witness puts his or her spot in jeopardy with every knock on the door.
The Witnesses Politely Told The Nazis To Enjoy Relations With Themselves.
And I Looked, And Behold A Pale Horse: And His Name That Sat On Him Was Death, And Hell Followed With Him.
Although originating in 16th Century Switzerland, the Amish have become a particularly American institution. The Amish remain America’s last primitive people now that gambling dollars have ushered Native Americans into the 21st Century. These simple folk are known for eschewing modern conveniences like electricity or buttons, and for their insular society. They are perhaps most famous for their pacifism. In fact, it has often been suggested that beating on an Amish person is almost a “freebie.”
The Amish: The Secret To Their Legendary Strength Is In Their Unshorn Locks.
Not any more. A violent internecine war has erupted among the Amish in a handful of Eastern Ohio counties, resulting in the tragic emasculation of several young men. Behind it all, authorities say, is Sam Mullet, leader of a breakaway faction, the Bergholz Clan.
The Unabomber, Timothy McVeigh And This Dude–They’ve All Got ‘The Look.’
For reasons known only to these horse & buggy hooligans, a schism has arisen within their ranks. Mullet, the patriarch of one faction, used this feud as an excuse for vicious Amish-on-Amish violence that has led to hate crime charges for Mullet and his followers.
Realistically, Society Has Little To Fear From An Anachronistic Fundamentalist Sect Headed By A Bearded Megalomaniac With A Mad-On Against Secular Culture.
Police say that Mullet directed his sons, and several other community ruffians, to publicly shame members of a rival faction. The Bergholz Boys did just that, surprising their enemies with a most un-Amish tactic: violence. Unable to resist, the rivals could only watch helplessly as they were shorn of the beards which symbolize their manhood within Amish society.
Apparently, The Attack Occurred During A Casting Call For The Part of ‘Moe Howard’ In The Upcoming ‘3 Stooges’ Movie.
Although Mullet and three of his henchmen are currently being held without bail, Mullet is said to steadfastly believe that “God’s justice will prevail.” He’s also proud of his unique status in triggering hate crime charges for crimes against protestant, heterosexual white people.
In which we comment on topical events after having only bothered to read the headlines, which at least makes us better-informed than the average American.
Bear attacks man in outhouse~ Relying on conventional wisdom, the man foolishly thought he would be safe from bear attacks while in the outhouse. Folks, hopefully you won’t have to learn the hard way that regardless of what you’ve been told, bears don’t always shit in the woods. Likewise, while it’s true that a frog’s ass is indeed water-tight, it should be noted that, excepting those individuals suffering from certain embarrassing conditions, so is yours.
Woman fighting foreclosure arrested~ Damn right. Every time we throw a punch at that smart-mouthed lady from the dry-cleaners, we spend a night in jail. It’s only fair other people should be punished for fighting, too.
Dating site: No ugly people ~ Sometimes–like chocolate and peanut butter–you wonder just what the hell took them so long to think of this.
In Your Heart Of Hearts You Know That Love Was Never Intended For One Such As You.
Man drowns after swan attack ~ Sad. When this happens, it means not only is Mother Nature out to get you, but that she has no respect for you whatsoever.
Coroner: UK spy found in sports bag likely killed ~ So you read that the body of a secret agent has been found crammed inside a piece of sporting equipment and you immediately make the leap to foul play?
Sometimes We Wish You Guys Would Just Fuck And Get It Over With.
Would-be suicide bomber was U.S. informant ~ “If I had to do it again, I probably wouldn’t inform the US about my would-be suicide bombing attempt. In retrospect, that just seemed to defeat the whole purpose.”
Romney: American kids get ‘third-world education’~ Well, sure–because Romney could afford to send his children to private school. But don’t the rest of us have a right to expect a third-world education for our children as well?
Secret Service agents were ‘brutes,’ prostitute says~ Folks–consider this one very seriously for a moment. Would you feel any more secure believing that the men in whose hands the President entrusts his very life were tender lovers?
“Fast? Baby, I Just Got That Out Of The Way So That I Could Take Care Of YOU. Now Let Me Show You A Little Something They Call ‘The French Z.’ ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ”
Oh, Sure--He's A Cock-Knocker. But Let's Hear What He Has To Say.
Only a few days ago, it would have been hard to blame filthy hippies for getting all giddy over the possible legalization of marijuana. Cannabis, the decriminalization of which had seemed until recently to be largely inevitable, may not be as close to reality as previously feared. Despite valiant efforts by anti-drug activists over the past decades, such as Nancy Reagan’s “Just Say No” Campaign or the hunger-inducing ‘This Is Your Brain On Drugs,” the public’s tolerance for this deadly plant seemed only to be growing. Then Pat Robertson weighed in.
Not Fucking Likely, You Filthy Cheeba-Monkeys!
Readers of Promethean Times are already familiar with the myriad threats to society posed by marijuana legalization. The pitfalls of hemp-addiction have been widely documented–some users become hooked to the reefer after simply walking into a room where someone has smoked marijuana within the past six hours.¹ Additionally, anyone who lives in an urban center or near a high school has seen the ugly effects of “Weed Rage”–the drug is known to give users the strength of ten men, and induces such fury that subduing a raging stoner requires an army of club-wielding cops and about four gallons of pepper spray. Crafty hemp-heads are reportedly contracting cancer intentionally as a ploy to get their grimy, emaciated hands on some sweet, sweet cheeba. And of course, incidents of weed-dissipated parents devouring their own children are so common as to be almost prosaic.
Hippies. A Lot Like Cockroaches, But Lacking The Charm.
Despite these very real and well-publicized dangers, it has taken until now for someone to summon the courage to affect real change. By announcing his support of marijuana legalization, Pat Robertson has done just that. Overnight, people who once thought marijuana a harmless pleasure are being forced to take a second look at this invasive weed, hopefully to see it for what it is–a nation-destroying blight. Banking on his reputation as a head-up-the-ass moron who has previously offered up godlessness as a cause for national disasters and who advocates political assassination as a form of diplomacy, Robertson is gambling that his advocacy of marijuana legalization will turn the public against it. On behalf of society as a whole, but most especially the children, Promethean Times thanks Pat Robertson for his brave stance in helping America say nope to dope and ugh to drugs.
Parents: Oaksterdam University Is NOT A Fully Accredited Institution Of Higher Learning! It's More Like A Community College.²
¹Unless that shit is the dank, in which case the effects can last up to 12 hours. ∞ T.
Not This Kind, Silly. Today YOU Get To Be The Ass. It'll Be Fun!
We Americans are justly proud of our ignorance. Along with obesity and braggadocio, having our heads up our asses is the trait for which we are best known around the globe. Regardless whether you count yourself among these mouth-breathing legions of half-witted cretins, or rather, take pride in the fruits of your three semesters of community college, every American can bask in the oily thrill of being an ignoramus. Holidays like Ash Wednesday provide just such an opportunity.
"Oh Beautiful For Spacious Skies/For Amber Waves Of Grain/For Purple Mountain Majesties/Above The Fruited Plain..."
Ash Wednesday marks the first day of Lent, 40 days of rigorous self-denial practiced by Catholics and also by some of the lamer protestant sects. Catholics, in particular, mark the day by smudging their foreheads with ash as a sign of atonement to a God Who is, after all, pretty vengeful.
You Think He's Gonna Give Us A Lot Of Second Chances After What We Let Happen To His Boy?
Although you may be entirely familiar with the customs of this day, feigning ignorance should be simple enough.¹ When you see a friend, coworker or complete stranger with ash on his or her forehead, go ahead and ask about it. However, by no means should you ask with anything approaching decorum or propriety. We recommend Hey–what’s wrong with your forehead? or Dude–you’ve got some shit on your forehead! The good-natured among your Catholic friends won’t rise easily to the challenge, and may even patiently explain the scriptural significance of the ritual the first several times you loudly call attention to dirty foreheads. But with dedication, persistence and a little luck, you’ll have established your asshole bona fides by lunchtime. Go get ’em, tiger!
"Yeah, I Get It. Please Shut Up Now."
¹Persons of Latin descent may experience additional difficulties in convincing people they know nothing of Catholicism. ∞ T.
What Is College For? ~ Doing drugs, having sex with questionable people and generally putting off real life for five or six years. And maybe learning something. You know, whatever.
Santorum on the rise: I’m the electable one ~ And we think you’ll be the best darn PTA recording secretary that the Midville School District ever had. Wait. You don’t mean for President, do you? President of the United States and Leader of the Free World? Rick, what fucking drugs are you on?
Sword-Swallower Impales Himself on Stage ~ Although as yet there’s been no official confirmation on the weapon that caused the grisly accident, witnesses say that it was most likely some kind of ax or spear.
"Tell Me Who's That Writin' / John The Revelator / Tell Me Who's That Writin' / John The Revelator / Who's That Writin' / John The Revelator Wrote The Book Of The Seven Seals"
If he had to do it again, musician Cee Lo Green most likely wouldn’t have ushered in 2012 with a blasphemous appearance on national television. He did, however, and just a few days later a reeling public is still hurt and confused.
It remains unclear just why the singer insulted the faith of millions with his callous comments, but unless he can somehow manage to right his rapidly sinking ship, Green’s actions may have seriously damaged his career. With the exception of the lunatic fringe, the music-buying public tends to avoid those artists associated with hate.
"He Got Hair Down Below His Knees / Hold You In His Armchair / You Can Feel His Disease"
Here’s what happened: Green was scheduled to perform John Lennon’s Imagine before an audience of millions on NBC’s New Year’s Eve broadcast from Times Square. But Green, apparently ignorant of the sacrosanctity of Lennon’s lyrics, changed the words of this immortal song. While Lennon originally sang “nothing to kill or die for/ and no religion too,” Green sang, “Nothing to kill or die for/ and all religion’s true.”
This is highly offensive to Lennon’s fans, who despise the dogma and rigidity of organized religion, and have loudly lambasted Green for his insensitivity. Lennonists contend that the Word of John must remain inviolable if it is to act as a bulwark against the crippling conformity and monomania of organized religion.
"Well You Know / We All Want To Change Your Head / You Tell Me It's The Institution / Well You Know / You Better Free Your Mind Instead"
And in someone so wise and strong / a desire for Yoko is hard to see / there won’t come an answer / let it be. ∞ T.
We Looked Among All The Nations Of The World, And Could Find None More Deserving Of Our Praise.
We’ll admit it–we didn’t think it would come to this. We figured we’d be rich by now, or at the very least the Rapture would have freed us from our myriad woes. Since it didn’t (it didn’t, right?), we’ve picked ourselves up and resolved to make a game go of it. Moreover, we’re concentrating our hopes on the admittedly feeble chances the Mayans were right in predicting doom for 2012, and that very soon sweet nothingness will obliterate the pain that is existence.
Turns Out Somebody Made A Calculation Error When They Came Up With The 2012 Date. The Revised Figure Is 1492.
Until then, though, we’re even more delighted that, last December, we were the inaugural winner of the Promethean Times’ Person of the Year. Now, as we say goodbye to what we call ‘The Year of Promethean Times,’ it’s time to recognize a new mover and/or shaker for his/her/its contribution or impact to our world.
Having outstripped the rest of the field by light-years in the 2010 contest, Promethean Times could be forgiven for feeling like it has an edge in this year’s selection. After all, no one disputes that Promethean Times’ many, many contributions to the betterment of society rank among the more significant developments in 2011. Still, the beloved news journal remains humble. “Would we like to repeat?” asks Smaktakula, lead writer, “Absolutely–who wouldn’t? But we’ve got important events to cover, and we can’t really spend time thinking about things like that. Besides,” he adds, “Some other stuff happened.”
Among that stuff was a string of dead dicks, despots and men of low character. 2011 bid farewell to a number of those comical tyrants who, through nothing more than style, a ridiculous outfit and balls the size of grapefruit, commanded legions to do their bidding. Osama bin Laden’s cringing demise among the fluid-spattered catacombs of his porn library taught us all to laugh again, while the image of Keystone Cops stumbling after wacky sand-despot Muammar Gaddafi in a madcap chase aross the Libyan desert gave us reason to laugh even harder. The ascendance of Steve Jobs and Kim Jong-il to their respective heavenly kingdoms reminded us that Gods too can die.
Among The Many Proposed Reforms Of The 'Arab Spring' Which Began In The Winter Of 2011 Is A Calendar That's Worth A Damn.
Fortunately, the world is in no immediate danger of losing its megalomaniacal dickheads–it seems as if for every despot hanged, another sprouts from the puddle of piss at his twitching feet. The loss of ‘Lil Kim was a blow for North Korea, but made easier when Kim Jong-un waddled into his father’s shoes and accepted his mandate to drive the shitstain of a country further into the ground. Africa maintained its preeminence for venal strongmen throughout 2011, with brutal racist Robert Mugabe of Zimbabwe single-lippedly keeping alive the Hitler Mustache, while Julius Malema, an exciting new face on the South African scene, promises to continue the ruination of the one-time economic powerhouse. And throughout the world, Muslims continued to blow things up in protest of the western world’s inexplicable and persistent view of Muslims as violent and reactionary. The West countered with fiercely abject apologies.
Fidel's Still Hanging In There.
Another theme embraced wholeheartedly worldwide was indignation. Contrary to the age-old adage, “What goes up must inevitably continue to do so,” 2011 saw a further decline in the still-ridiculous standard of living enjoyed by the West. Like going out to lunch with Grandma, the belief arose that it was enough to wait it out, and somebody would eventually pick up the check. The jarring reality that Grandma died during a visit to the ladies’ room brought angry people into the streets. In America, this phenomenon took the form of “Occupy Wall Street,” a Tea Party for the under-40 crowd, who still like to break things and enjoy the novelty of humping in Liberty Park, where rank coils of human feces suffice for scented candles and complete exposure for privacy.
For Real, We Totally Would.--Only, It Smells Like Pee And There's A Ton Of Poor People Walking Around.
The year was momentous for the United States. Although ending its involvement in Iraq (kinda, not really) the US steadfastly continued interminable bank-busting conflicts in places like Afghanistan, while also embarking on other daring adventures such as temporary conflicts in Libya and a secret war¹ in the Democratic Republic of Congo. On the home front, the government turned its attention against homegrown enemies, like pot shops in California, while Operation Fast & Furious ensured that narcos and Mexican Army assassins could continue to terrorize the citizenry of the failed state and disappear the occasional American tourist.
The year began with the Arizona shooting that turned US Representative Gabby Giffords into a living martyr, and the rest of the nation into a gang of loudmouthed assholes. Throughout the year the citizenry continued the tradition of killing one another, often in new and surprising ways.
America: Where Our Unsettling Anthropomorphic Monsters Are Just A Little Bit More Patriotic.
President Obama was once again unable to deliver on his promise to make the United States a magical Care Bear land of milk & honey scented with the sweet strains of children’s choirs singing liltingly of the unifying joy of diversity, but from their bastions in college quads and Code Pink meeting-houses, the President’s dwindling cadre of true believers assured us it was Republican obstructionism. And secret racism. Republicans countered that their sole aim was to restore sanity to a beleaguered nation, and promised that only as a last resort would they burn the fucking thing to the ground.
The Bad News Is That Rome Is Burning. The Good News Is That Everyone In Our Studio Audience Will Be Going Home Tonight With Shiny New Fiddles!
Political penii² proved productive in promoting prick-principled puns, as well as gratuitous alliteration. The destructive power of the penis was ably demonstrated by Arnold Schwarzenegger, who showed us that even a wealthy Hollywood/Government powerhouse with an even richer (albeit skeletal) wife will fuck an ugly woman if given the opportunity. Late night talk-show hosts methodically shook every last droplet of humor from the Weiner situation, before putting away their pricks at the disgraced NY Rep.
For Newlyweds Lisa And Bingo Lamb, A Day At The Fair Is A Great Reason To Dress Up.
As did the death of beautiful paper-doll Diana Spencer over a decade before, the wedding of Prince William to commoner Kate Middleton proved Americans are still fascinated with the royal family from which their forefathers once strove so mightily to emancipate themselves. Although America does not have a royalty per se, the Twenty-First Century has seen the rise of a new class of publicly-owned do-nothings. Paramount among these is the vile Kardashian Klan, a bloodline and marriage-based conglomerate that may just be the strongest argument yet advanced in support of the Armenian Holocaust.³ Kim Kardashian’s sham-marriage to basketball legend somebody-or-other netted the vapid perfume-tycoon more money than you’re likely to see in a thousand lifetimes.
There were a few stars whom we were relieved to see survive 2011, not least because their delightfully destructive antics provide regular low-hanging fruit for Promethean Times.Toothless cretin Charlie Sheen managed to bring his life and career to a shattering halt, suffering the additional injury of losing his place in America’s most beloved half-hour of insipidity to a genial retard. Yet through a heroic lack of self-awareness and the public’s perverse predilection for the doomed, the former Carlos Estevez is more popular than ever. The same cannot be said for Lindsay Lohan, once hailed as ‘The Flower of American Skankhood,’ who like Sheen, is one of 2012’s most likely fatalities. Despite a loving and supportive family, worldwide adoration and impeccable personal hygiene, the only audience to prove capable of tolerating LiLo’s act for any length of time were her customers at the LA County Morgue.
It Gets A Lot Less Sexy When You Realize She'll Be Dead Soon.
Sport continued to be a necessary diversion around the world, uniting and dividing people not by races or ethnicity, but by the overpriced merchandise they wore. In American sports, Jesus, sole scion of the Jehovah Dynasty, briefly tried His hand at football before quietly retiring once again to the sidelines, much to the dismay of football fans in the Mountain States. Although a strike marred the beginning of the 2011-2012 NBA season, the 2010-2011 season ended in a thrilling contest that satisfied both haters of LeBron James and fans of Schadenfreude in general. In what was nearly universally regarded as a black year for baseball, the one bright spot was the continuing absence of a World Series trophy in the Lone Star State. And in sports outside of America’s shores, a group of Japanese ladies won some soccer thing.
A Little Bit Like Schnitzel.
With all these notable events and people, both tragic and sublime, from which to choose, our editors had an unenviable task in determining Promethean Times’ Person of the Year for 2011. It was only after a thorough and at-times grueling vetting process, at several points during which the acrimony grew both increasingly bitter and ad hominem, that the worthy candidate emerged. Promethean Times is proud to name as this year’s Promethean Times’ Person of the Year and our first two-time back-to-back recipient, Promethean Times, honoring the venerable publication for its indefatigable and often thankless dedication to fighting the barbaric practice of puppy-killing.
Bravo, Promethean Times.
NEVER AGAIN.
To The Dear Friends To Whom We Bid Farewell In 2011: May You Find Yourselves In Heaven Before The Devil Knows You’re Dead:
Amy Might Still Be Alive If She Had Filled Her Drug-Pipe With Harmless Tobacco Instead Of What She Actually Filled It With--Drugs.
The Thing We'll Miss Most? The Laughter.
CNN News Personality Anderson Cooper Was Too Beautiful To Live.
Sure, It's A Tragedy For The Ages, But We Take Some Small Consolation In The Knowledge That There's One Less Drunk On The Streets Tonight.
Quiet, Modest And Unassuming, Mr. Savage Exemplified The Qualities For Which America Is Admired Across The Globe.
Get It? We're Being Metaphorical. Trust Us, Chicks Dig Metaphors.
The Colonel's Friends All Believed It Was Gaddafi's Fascination With Thriller-Era Michael Jackson That Prevented His Promotion To General.
This Beautiful Creature Learned Too Late That If Something Lives, The Germans Will Find A Way To Kill It.
This One Time, When Smaktakula Was In Juvenile Hall On An Arson Charge, He Met A Guy Who Claimed To Be Jani Lane's Half-Brother, And Damned If The Kid Didn't Look Just Like Him. No, That's It.
Old Friend, We'll Miss You Most Of All. Circumstances Demand That We Dispense With The Childish, Insensitive Caricatures Upon Which We So Often Rely, But Rather, Respect Your Culture By Offering You A Farewell Not Only More Dignified, But In Keeping With The Proud Traditions Of Korea. In This Last Hour, Dear Leader, We Say Simply, "Sayonara."
¹ While it’s not actually a secret that 100 US ‘advisers’ have been sent to the DRC to help combat the Lord’s Resistance Army, it might as well be for all the media talks about it. ∞T.
² ‘Penises’ is the accepted plural of ‘penis,’ but Promethean Times has always been, and will forever proudly remain, a penii-loving publication. ∞T.
³ It’s a joke, Tanzr–don’t let it curdle your yogurt soda. Yes, what happened to your great-great aunt whatsername at the hands of the Turks all those years was a tragedy, but at least we provided a link to Wikipedia. That’s a hell of a lot more than the US Government ever did. ∞T.
Promethean Times 