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Category Archives: Culture

Pakistanis Flogging The Little Infidel More Than Previously Thought

15 Thursday Jul 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, General Foolishness, Islam, Middle East, People, Relationships, Scandal

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

aberrant sexual behavior, bestiality, camels, childish sexual innuendo, deviant behavior, donkeys, Google, Pakistan, Pakistani women, peeping cybertoms, porno movies, pornography, sex, sexual repression

According to the peeping cybertoms at Google, there’s more to Pakistan than lawless wastelands ravaged by years upon years of soul-grinding warfare.  Those proud Pashtuns are now able to call themselves the world leader in online searches involving pornographic terms.       

Pakistan is top dog in searches per-person for “horse sex” since 2004, “donkey sex” since 2007, “rape pictures” between 2004 and 2009, “rape sex” since 2004, “child sex” between 2004 and 2007 and since 2009, “animal sex” since 2004 and “dog sex” since 2005, according to Google Trends and Google Insights, features of Google that generate data based on popular search terms.       

The Pakistani Predilection For Perverse Porn Is Puzzling Given The Legendary Beauties Of Pakistan

That aberrant sexual behavior would arise within such a sexually stagnant culture comes as a surprise to some, notably the very stupid.       

That’s No Donkey–That’s My Wife.  And My Donkey: FOXNews.com – No. 1 Nation in Sexy Web Searches? Call it Pornistan.       

Smaktakula

This Day In History: July 14, 1789 CE

14 Wednesday Jul 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Crime, Culture, Europe, General Foolishness, History, Human Rights, Justice, Military, Mythology, People, Politics, World Affairs

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

1789, Bastille Day, France, French Revolution, Frogs, Jerry Lewis, July 14th, Louis Capet, Paris, revolutionaries, Smaktakula's decades-old vendetta against the French, snails, Storming of the Bastille, The Terror, this day in history

On which angry French demonstrators storm the Bastille in Paris, serving Louis XVI notice that le Horloge is ticking on his tyrannical reign.

In Fairness, They Thought It Was Full Of Snails And Jerry Lewis DVDs.

Saving Keanu

13 Tuesday Jul 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Art, Cinema, Culture, Health, Hollywood, People, Relationships

≈ 1 Comment

Tags

Barack Obama, Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure, Cheer Up Keanu, comical despots, crazy bastard, depression, despots, Johnny Mnemonic, Karl Childers, Keanu Reeves, Kim Jong-il, mental illness, My Own Private Idaho, Point Break, Sling Blade, stupidity, Thinksquad, untalented stars, Vladimir Putin, Whoa!

The crazy bastards at Thinksquad have always been ambitious–mercilessly antagonizing comical despot Kim Jong-il and mocking not-so-comical despot Vladimir Putin.  They’ve even explored Barack Obama’s regrettable past as a rap-video extra.  Now Thinksquad is taking on one man’s mental illness.   

It just may be the most important person of our times–the world’s preeminent thespian, trenchant philosopher and bona fide American* treasure: Keanu Reeves.  Apparently, the man who gave us such beloved characters as Theodore “Ted” Logan, Scott Favor and Johnnies Mnemonic and Utah has been in a blue funk lately, one which sources close to the megastar say could be life-threatening.   

Karl Childers, Keanu's Spiritual Mentor, Shares Some Wisdom: "Ah Bet Some French Frahd 'Taters'd Cheer You Raht Up. NNNGHHH."

See how you can help by clicking here: Whoa!   

*In light of his complete and total awesomeness, the Beruit-born Canadian citizen can be considered an “American” treasure.
Smaktakula

Mullah v. Mullet

09 Friday Jul 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Art, Culture, General Foolishness, Human Rights, Humor, Islam, Middle East, Religion, World Affairs

≈ 3 Comments

Tags

anti-Israel policy, anti-semitism, business up front, David Beckham, Emil Haagerdäddi, fashion police, fauxhawks, Iran, Iranian National Soccer Team, Jews, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, mullahcracy, mullahs, mulletards, mulletocracy, mullets, odious hairstyles, party in the back, religious fanatacism, religious intolerance, soccer mullets, that trick never works, The Achy-Breaky, thuggish jackbootery, wacky mullahs

Taking a momentary respite from its real mission (an ill-defined cocktail consisting mostly of breathlessly awaiting the advent of the New Caliphate and hating the Jews), the Iranian Mullahcracy has struck a blow in the war against bad taste.  Iran has banned the mullet and other offensive Western hairstyles.

"Seriously, You Guys Should Be Thanking Me That Someone Finally Had The Courage To Say, 'Hey, You Look Like An Asshole With That Haircut.' I Mean, Geez, I Wouldn't Wish That Rat's Nest On A Filthy Jew."

Wali bin Gud, Iranian Minister of Enlightenment and Cultural Decency, had this to say:

“It is incorrect to say that we have banned offensive Western hairstyles.  Rather, as in the case of the mullet and fauxhawk, two particularly odious hairstyles, we have banned offensive hairstyles which happen to be Western.”

Some observers  were surprised to see Iran working toward the common good.  However, Professor Emil Haagerdäddi, a senior fellow at World Think Center For World Thought, says that Iran is not as altruistic as they might appear.

“You have to remember that everybody must do their thing,”  explains the learned academian, “Get their freak on, as it were.  In this way, national bodies are no different than individuals.   Iran’s thing is, and always has been, repression.  Aside from swap-meet style rugs, thuggish jackbootery is perhaps their best-known national product.”

Festering To Bring About The Mulletocracy By Any Means Necessary, Y’All.

Reaction to the mullet ban has not been universally positive.  FIFA called it “Repression of the cruelest kind.  When you strip a man of his mullet, you strip him also of his very soul.”

Look At This Picture: How Can Hating This Douche Be Wrong?

The Iranian National Soccer Team was said to be particularly disconsolate.

Can You Do Something About Comb-Overs?  Iran bans the mullet | World news | The Guardian.

Smaktakula

This Day In History: July 8, 1994 CE

08 Thursday Jul 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Asia, Cults, History, People, Politics, Relationships, World Affairs

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

'Lil Kim, 1994, Big Kim, comical despots, Great Leader, heart attack, July 8, Kim Il-sung, Kim il-sung was batshit crazy, Kim Jong-il, Korean War, North Korea, Pyongyang, this day in history

Kim Il-sung, North Korea’s Great Leader and instigator of the Korean War, dies of a heart attack at 82.

With The Great Leader's Goofy Son Kim Jong-il Woefully Unqualified To Succeed His Father, Totalitarian North Korea Should Fall By 1995. 1996 At The Latest.

Not What You Were Looking For?

07 Wednesday Jul 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Cinema, Crime, Critters, Culture, Drug Culture, General Foolishness, Hollywood, Humor, Movies, People, Race, Relationships, Television, Terrorism, World Affairs

≈ 3 Comments

Tags

asshat, backwater shithole, Baseball, brilliant dirty weirdos, Bush 41, Charlie Estevez, Charlie Sheen, Charlie Sheen is a drugged-out wifebeater, Charlie Sheen Will Never Escape The Brat Pack's Terrible Event Horizon, choking game, comical despots, Confucius, cooze, crazy bastard, Dear Leader, Dr. Grigori Perelman, dwarf, Gary Coleman, George Bush Sr., George Herbert Walker Bush, hemp, herpes, hippies, huffing, India, Jackpot, K2, Kim Jong-il, lactating, lesbians, LiLo, Lindsay Lohan, marijuana, midget, Milton Bradley, Milton Bradley is batshit crazy, Morris the Cat, Nevada, not what you were looking for?, pot, reefer, Shannon Price, small black actor, sniper, Somali pirates, sweet sweet cheeba, Thinksquad, Wal-Mart, Wal-Mart is evil, weed, Wikipedia, your mother must be very proud, Zen koan

By Smaktakula

We would like to believe that of the nearly 800,000 hits* Promethean Times receives daily, each is a reader who set out specifically to find us.  Of course, this is sometimes not the case.

Here are some of the keywords (noted by boldface) used by folks whom we suspect–and in one or two cases, hope–found us by accident.

small black actor died We can do that.

gary coleman death pictures He was a beautiful human being, and now he’s gone.  What the hell is wrong with you people?

lindsay lohan child pics We’re hoping you mean stills from her films.  We can help you here and here.  But if that’s not what you mean, maybe this is more your speed, Creepo.

Morris the Cat baseball We couldn’t help this guy out, but we’re just glad somebody read Smaktakula’s piece on Morris.

K2 We can do that.

huffing And that.

choking game That too.

somali pirates We can do that.

freshy somalis Um.

backwater shithole We can do that.

proud herpes There’s a proud kind?  Damn.  Smaktakula  kinda wishes he hadn’t rushed out and bought the shameful kind.

difference between a midget and a dwarf You got us.  Try Wikipedia, Asshat.

bush pukes on japanese We can do that.

lesbian lactating Ew.  We don’t do that.  Please return to the fetid basement apartment from which you came.

kim jong il sad Try Thinksquad.  Those crazy bastards are fucking with the Dear Leader as we speak.

dirty russian Hmm.  Hope you were looking for our pal, Grigori.

shannon price evil And a cooze!

pictures mexican children No, however we are in possession of some awesome nude shots of your mom.  Inquire for purchase.

what are the pathos at walmart Damn, Confucius, we could meditate on that Zen koan for years.  In the meantime, try this.

fuck off marijuana Indeed. And take the hippies with you!

charlie sheen first amendment It’s true that Mr. Sheen is a first-rate legal scholar, but we examine other aspects of the Sheen Mystique here and here.

is milton bradley crazy Yes, he is.

giant playground-mcdonalds Were we able to help you?

indian sniper We can do that.

man fuck a horse Your mother must be very proud.

*Note: This figure may not correspond with reality.

Commercials We Do Not Like: Bush’s Original Baked Beans

06 Tuesday Jul 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Commercials, Corporate Culture, Critters, General Foolishness, Justice, People, Relationships, Scandal, Television

≈ 4 Comments

Tags

animal companion, Bush Brothers and Company, Bush Family, Bush's Original Baked Beans, canine psychosis, commercials we do not like, curs, Duke, golden retriever, Great Dane, Jay Bush, treachery

By Smaktakula

Jay Bush, the balding, squishy spokesperson for Bush’s Original Baked Beans seems like a nice enough guy.  With his rounded, non-threatening contours and schlumpy, vulnerable charm, Bush is an able enough pitchman for his family’s product.                 

Then there’s Duke, Bush’s golden retriever and sole confidant.  Two details about Duke serve as a radical distinction from other dogs.                 

1) Duke speaks.  This in itself is unusual, as human-like speech has previously only been evinced in some more advanced members of the Great Dane family.  In most cases, those animals formed words with great difficulty, and no one was likely to confuse them with a human speaker.  Duke speaks more eloquently than does his ostensible “master.”         

2) Whereas dogs, and golden retrievers in particular, are prized for their loyalty, Duke is a treacherous cur.  For reasons known only to the conniving canine, Duke is continually seeking to sell the Bush Family’s secret recipe to competitors.  That the animal is compelled to do this despite the near impossibility that Duke would be able to utilize any money he received from betraying the Bush Family, points to an advanced–and dangerous–psychosis.                

The fact that Duke, after several times nearly succeeding in selling the time-honored recipe, is still positioned so securely within the company should be troubling to stockholders.               

If the public face of Bush’s baked beans can’t command even the loyalty of his own dog, while at the same time choosing to remain ignorant to the mounting evidence of Duke’s perfidy, how much faith can the public have in Bush Brothers and Company?          

Accountability, and lack thereof, is a slippery slope.  One day America loves you for your savory products, the next some little girl finds half a pinky finger in her chile con carne.         

If Bush Brothers & Co. wishes to regain the trust of the baked beans buying public, they must take drastic and immediate action to reassure nervous shareholders that theirs is a company on the grow, free from internal distractions.                

They can start by killing that fucking dog.                

Here's My Concept. It Also Comes In 'Purse.'

News Of The Duh: Evidence Suggests Some Illegal Drug Use In Rave Culture

05 Monday Jul 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Art, Crime, Culture, Drug Culture, Drugs, Duh, General Foolishness, Music, People, Relationships, Social Networking

≈ 4 Comments

Tags

15 year-old, blind unreasoning panic, club kids, designer drugs, drug overdose, drugs, ecstacy, Electric Daisy Carnival. Los Angeles, illegal drugs, LA Memorial Coliseum, News of the Duh, one percenters, panic, rave culture, raves, Rock & Roll, techno music

There’s much wisdom in the old maxim, “If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.”  Readers of Promethean Times will know that we subscribe not only to this aphorism, but also its corollary: “If it is broke, the best course of action is immediate panic.”  We favor blind, unreasoning panic over most other varieties of temporary fear-based madness.         

When a 15 year-old girl died of a suspected drug overdose after attending the 14th annual Electric Daisy Carnival at the LA Memorial Coliseum, authorities scurried into action.  The obvious solution was to prohibit further raves at the Coliseum.           

This is a troubling development for everyone touched by the rave scene.  This is not to suggest that all or even most clubbers use illicit drugs.  It is likely a very small minority, a group of “one percenters.”         

Starchyld Von Asskandy (Pictured Above) Says Most Ravers "Will Not Tolerate Illegal Drug Use."

Promethean Times applauds the decision to ban raves at the Coliseum.  Although the young girl’s accidental death appears to be an isolated incident, the danger remains that if unchecked, an incident like this could blow open the doorway for drugs into rave culture.  This would be a pity.  In 2010 there are very few places a young person can go where drugs aren’t a constant temptation.  For many years, raves have been just that kind of environment, and now a few bad apples seem hellbent to sully this wholesome activity.            

The ban on raves in the Coliseum will have two positive effects.  First, it will send a strong message to the one percenters in the rave community that these kinds of shenanigans won’t be tolerated.  Drugs have already ruined Rock & Roll; we mustn’t let them sully the soulless electronic chirp of techno.            

The second result will be even more profound.  With no more raves at the Coliseum, the attendant drug problem should trickle away.  The ban will also give pause to ravers who might be thinking about trying illegal drugs. 

Critics of the ban charge that these young people will simply take their party elsewhere.  This is unlikely.  The promoters of such an event would be breaking several laws, as well as jeopardizing the health of children.  The notion of an illegal, underground rave is pure fantasy.     

This Young Fellow Is Tuckered Out From All That Dancing.

Some People Just Have To Ruin It For Everybody: Teenage girl dies of suspected drug overdose after attending weekend rave at L.A. Coliseum – latimes.com.             

Smaktakula

Happy Independence Day!

04 Sunday Jul 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Cinema, Culture, History, Holiday, Mythology

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

4th of July, Declaration of Independence, fireworks, hooks, Independence Day, July 4th, Live and Let Die, prosthetics, Tee Hee

Wanna Play 'Who Can Hold A Lit M80 The Longest?' I Should Warn You: I've Played Before.

Michael Steele: Cut And Run

02 Friday Jul 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Duh, General Foolishness, History, National Events, People, Politics, Terrorism

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

Afghanistan, Barack Obama, black Republicans, blunder, douchebaggery, encephalitis is no laughing matter, George W. Bush, idiotic comments, incompetent boobery, jackassery, Michael Steele, Michael Steele is a boob, Republican National Committee, Republicans, RNC, war of Obama's choosing

By Smaktakula

Michael Steele’s impotent tenure as Chairman of the Republican National Committee has come to the sad end everyone has long expected.  Steele, who aside from being a black Republican is best known for his remarkably incompetent boobery, recently referred to the Afghan conflict as ‘a war of Obama’s choosing.’  This claim is absolutely true, if by Obama he means George W. Bush.  Otherwise, it’s pretty idiotic.    

But Steele wasn’t done: “This was not something that the United States had actively prosecuted or wanted to engage in,” he said.  This statement is also true, assuming that the “not” was a verbal typo.  If it wasn’t, this statement would sound moronic coming from an encephalic six-year-old.    

"Okay, We've Got Three Happy Meals, Two Milkshakes And An Apple Pie. Would You Care To Supersize It?"

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