By Smaktakula

Religions have long been in the business of promulgating wacky theories: the Immaculate Conception, Lord Brahma’s birth from a lotus flower grown from Vishnu’s navel, the prospect of 72 black-eyed virgins upon martyrdom.  But some religions, unwilling to be lumped in with the merely slightly bizarre rank-and-file, go the extra mile to prove they’re just a little bit crazier than the rest.  The Ramtha Cult is one of these.        

JZ Knight founded Ramtha’s School of Enlightenment in Yelm, Washington back in 1987.  Knight is lucky enough to be the host of Ramtha, a 35,000 year old Lemurian warrior.        

A Howler Monkey + The Joker = JZ Knight

Knight conducts Ramtha workshops all over the world, and the church currently boasts a membership of more than 6,000 cultists.  This brain-trust believes that with Ramtha’s teachings, they will some day be able to develop fantastic super-powers such as telepathy, clairvoyance and psychokinesis, as well as other improbable metahuman abilities.        

Thinks: "Wicca Is An Equally Ridiculous, But Slightly Less Expensive Waste Of Time."

However, the Ramtha Cult is hardly the first pseudo-church to promise fantastic abilities to the most rigorous adherents.  What catapults the Ramthafarians into stratospheric-level crazy is the Sinister Secret of Mt. Rainier.        

This terrible piece of lore was lost for thousands of years, but was recovered through the valiant efforts of Ramtha, Knight and their legion of cultists.  Thanks to the lightning-fast exchange of data in the information era, this knowledge can at last be made public.        

An evil and ancient race of lizard men dwells in the dark and secret places under the earth.  These foul, carnage-driven demons would love nothing more than to go medieval on the human race.  For millenia, they have been trapped in their dark environs, festering with unconsummated rage against humanity, of which generations rose and fell, ignorant of the threat beneath their feet.        

However, Ramtha, through his prophet JZ Knight has revealed that on an unspecified but very near date, Rainier will erupt with an heretofore unknown fury, laying waste to much of the surrounding areas.  Those who die quickly will be the lucky ones.  The rest of humanity will fall victim to the lizard men’s rapine abuses.        

Yelm lies in the shadow of Mt. Rainier, and thus on the first line of defense against the reptilian onslaught.  Ramthafarians have prepared for this eventuality, however, and have lined their homes with the one substance which can drive away or conquer the ravening lizard-beasts: copper.        

Copper. Really? That's The Best You Could Come Up With?

Share With Facebook