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~ A Collection of Oddities Calculated to Amuse, Enlighten and Horrify.

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Category Archives: Health

Happy Thoughts For Friday: Be Glad You’re Not This Guy

16 Friday Jul 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Crime, General Foolishness, Health, History, Justice, National Events, People, Relationships, Scandal

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

abusive asshole, alcohol abuse, asshat, divorce, domestic violence, famous for nothing, happy thoughts, irony, John Wayne Bobbitt, Lorena Gallo Bobbitt, severed penis, spousal abuse

By Smaktakula

Abusive inebriate John Wayne Bobbitt was such a cock-knocker that in 1993 his wife Lorena severed half his penis, hurling the bloody nugget into a field.  

The missing member was recovered after an exhaustive search, and the cock (by which we mean the ironically-named Bobbitt) made whole.          

Sadly, the couple divorced in 1995.         

Not Only Did JWB Lose Sensation In His Penis, But Also Any Notion Of Dignity.

Saving Keanu

13 Tuesday Jul 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Art, Cinema, Culture, Health, Hollywood, People, Relationships

≈ 1 Comment

Tags

Barack Obama, Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure, Cheer Up Keanu, comical despots, crazy bastard, depression, despots, Johnny Mnemonic, Karl Childers, Keanu Reeves, Kim Jong-il, mental illness, My Own Private Idaho, Point Break, Sling Blade, stupidity, Thinksquad, untalented stars, Vladimir Putin, Whoa!

The crazy bastards at Thinksquad have always been ambitious–mercilessly antagonizing comical despot Kim Jong-il and mocking not-so-comical despot Vladimir Putin.  They’ve even explored Barack Obama’s regrettable past as a rap-video extra.  Now Thinksquad is taking on one man’s mental illness.   

It just may be the most important person of our times–the world’s preeminent thespian, trenchant philosopher and bona fide American* treasure: Keanu Reeves.  Apparently, the man who gave us such beloved characters as Theodore “Ted” Logan, Scott Favor and Johnnies Mnemonic and Utah has been in a blue funk lately, one which sources close to the megastar say could be life-threatening.   

Karl Childers, Keanu's Spiritual Mentor, Shares Some Wisdom: "Ah Bet Some French Frahd 'Taters'd Cheer You Raht Up. NNNGHHH."

See how you can help by clicking here: Whoa!   

*In light of his complete and total awesomeness, the Beruit-born Canadian citizen can be considered an “American” treasure.
Smaktakula

News Of The Duh: Evidence Suggests Some Illegal Drug Use In Rave Culture

05 Monday Jul 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Art, Crime, Culture, Drug Culture, Drugs, Duh, General Foolishness, Music, People, Relationships, Social Networking

≈ 4 Comments

Tags

15 year-old, blind unreasoning panic, club kids, designer drugs, drug overdose, drugs, ecstacy, Electric Daisy Carnival. Los Angeles, illegal drugs, LA Memorial Coliseum, News of the Duh, one percenters, panic, rave culture, raves, Rock & Roll, techno music

There’s much wisdom in the old maxim, “If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.”  Readers of Promethean Times will know that we subscribe not only to this aphorism, but also its corollary: “If it is broke, the best course of action is immediate panic.”  We favor blind, unreasoning panic over most other varieties of temporary fear-based madness.         

When a 15 year-old girl died of a suspected drug overdose after attending the 14th annual Electric Daisy Carnival at the LA Memorial Coliseum, authorities scurried into action.  The obvious solution was to prohibit further raves at the Coliseum.           

This is a troubling development for everyone touched by the rave scene.  This is not to suggest that all or even most clubbers use illicit drugs.  It is likely a very small minority, a group of “one percenters.”         

Starchyld Von Asskandy (Pictured Above) Says Most Ravers "Will Not Tolerate Illegal Drug Use."

Promethean Times applauds the decision to ban raves at the Coliseum.  Although the young girl’s accidental death appears to be an isolated incident, the danger remains that if unchecked, an incident like this could blow open the doorway for drugs into rave culture.  This would be a pity.  In 2010 there are very few places a young person can go where drugs aren’t a constant temptation.  For many years, raves have been just that kind of environment, and now a few bad apples seem hellbent to sully this wholesome activity.            

The ban on raves in the Coliseum will have two positive effects.  First, it will send a strong message to the one percenters in the rave community that these kinds of shenanigans won’t be tolerated.  Drugs have already ruined Rock & Roll; we mustn’t let them sully the soulless electronic chirp of techno.            

The second result will be even more profound.  With no more raves at the Coliseum, the attendant drug problem should trickle away.  The ban will also give pause to ravers who might be thinking about trying illegal drugs. 

Critics of the ban charge that these young people will simply take their party elsewhere.  This is unlikely.  The promoters of such an event would be breaking several laws, as well as jeopardizing the health of children.  The notion of an illegal, underground rave is pure fantasy.     

This Young Fellow Is Tuckered Out From All That Dancing.

Some People Just Have To Ruin It For Everybody: Teenage girl dies of suspected drug overdose after attending weekend rave at L.A. Coliseum – latimes.com.             

Smaktakula

Kurt Cobain’s Spirit Exacts A Slow And Terrible Vengeance On Courtney Love

29 Tuesday Jun 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Crime, Drug Culture, Drugs, General Foolishness, Justice, Music, People, Poetry, Relationships, Scandal

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

1990's, Anna Nicole Smith, awful musicians, Black Widow, cooze, Courtney Love, Dave Grohl, drug addiction, drugs, Frances Bean Cobain, Generation X, gold digger, grunge music, Hole, inebriate, Krist Novoselic, Kurt Cobain, Nirvana, OxyContin, Seattle scene, skankery, suicide, tiresome anachronism, untalented stars, wastrel, Yoko Ono

Courtney Love, Generation X’s heroin-slagged answer to Yoko Ono, is an oozing societal sore which refuses doggedly to heal.               

The most heinous of her crimes, of course, is being so loathsome that Nirvana’s Kurt Cobain found the taste of a shotgun preferable to the thought of spending even one more second listening to Love’s screeching voice.              

Included among the vast legion of people who consider Love an epic cooze is the talentless harpy’s own daughter, Frances Bean Cobain.  The younger Cobain prevailed upon the court recently to emancipate her from the chemical-crazy she-beast from whose cankerous loins she sprang.  The court mercifully agreed.               

Unfortunately for young Francis Bean, the trust fund left for her by her father’s estate won’t be as easy to emancipate.  Just as Krist Novoselic and Dave Grohl already know, nobody clings with greater tenacity to the fruits of more talented labors than does Courtney Love.  Adding insult to injury, the trust fund has grown mysteriously lighter, to the tune of $8 Million.*               

Hey Pretty Lady, Was That Your Fine Ass I Saw Down At the SELL-UR-BLOOD The Other Day?

In a final irony, the ravages of an indiscreet lifestyle have transformed Courtney Love from a shapely, Anna Nicole Smith-wannabe into a virtual doppelgänger of Yoko Ono: a yellow, shriveled, screaming mess.               

This Would Be Funny If It Weren’t So . . . Hell, It IS Funny: Click Track – Courtney Love leads Hole through disastrous 9:30 club concert.               

*Sources close to this vapid skank estimate that $8 Million worth of OxyContin would keep Ms. Love high for the better part of two weeks.
Smaktakula

Put Down The Crisco, Jabba!

25 Friday Jun 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Constitutional Issues, Culture, Duh, Food, General Foolishness, Health, National Events, People, Political Correctness

≈ 3 Comments

Tags

big fatso, Center for Science in Public Interest, customer of size, do-gooders, fat ass, fat people, Jabba the Hutt, McDonald's, nanny state, person of size, syphilitic monkeys, Two and a Half Men, Why am I so fat?

The Center for Science in Public Interest wants you to know that it’s okay that you’re too stupid to make nutrition choices on your own, either for yourself or your children.     

That’s why the CSPI is threatening to sue McDonald’s, the world’s most popular purveyor of food-flavored edible products, unless the fast-food giant stops including toys with its popular Happy Meals.     

Not Only Did McDonald's Make Him An Evil Mutant, But It May Also Have Contributed To His Little Weight Problem.

“McDonald’s is the stranger in the playground handing out candy to children,” CSPI’s litigation director, Stephen Gardner, said in a prepared statement. “It’s a creepy and predatory practice that warrants an injunction.”     

Countered a McDonald’s representative:     

“The toy is plastic, retard.  Zero calories.    

Y’know, if we really gave a fuck about the nation’s creme-filled arteries, we’d leave out the food.”     

It boils down to this:  You’re a syphilitic monkey too stupid to refuse poison if it’s presented to you in a nice bottle with a shiny bow.      

Don’t bother thinking about it.  Why don’t you watch some TV?  I think Two and a Half Men is on . . .     

I’ll Just Take My Fat Ass Somewhere Else: McDonald’s faces lawsuit over marketing to kids – Jun. 22, 2010.     

Smaktakula

Share With Facebook And I’ll Take You To Krispy Kreme

As If Being A Big Fatso Wasn’t Bad Enough . . .

16 Wednesday Jun 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, Health, National Events, People, Relationships

≈ 1 Comment

Tags

big fatso, big girl, but she's got a great personality, childhood obesity, chubby chaser, crotch lobsters, fat people, gelatinous people, husky, impotence, irony, lard ass, obesity, person of size, plumper, poor self-esteem, poor sexual health, sex, sexual dysfunction, sexual powerhouse, unwanted pregnancy, venereal disease, waddling grotesquery

Apparently, studies have shown that obese people have poor sexual health, despite getting less sex than their non-gelatinous counterparts.      

Hopefully the news that being a waddling grotesquery is not all sunshine and games will counter the media’s persistent efforts to make obesity seem chic, particularly among young women.      

Not The Sexual Powerhouse He Appears To Be

Plus, You Can’t See Your Penis: Obesity Can Take Toll on Sex Life.      

Smaktakula

BP Reduced To Clutching At Silly-Straws

15 Tuesday Jun 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Corporate Culture, Crime, General Foolishness, Health, National Events, National Politics, Places

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

Batman, BP, BP Oil Spill, brain trust, British Petroleum, Charlie Sheen, corporate douchebaggery, Deepwater Horizon, environment, first the Spice Girls and now this?, Giant Scissors, Gulf of Mexico, Macondo Blowout, nefarious petroleum giant, oh yeah 11 people died how about that?, oil, ridiculous ideas, ruptured well, Silly-Straws, that trick never works, WWBD?

While BP’s ruptured well in the Gulf of Mexico continues to spew crude like Charlie Sheen on a runaway Tilt-O-Whirl, the nefarious petroleum giant’s brain trust has run bone-dry.      

This BP Researcher Asks: WWBD?

In the early days of the crisis, BP’s Idea Men knew that to realize workable solutions, they would need to ask new questions.  Working at a fever-pitch, sometimes logging 20-hour days, it was less than two months later when BP scientists asked themselves the question which would prove their interrogative Rosetta Stone:     

What if the rupture and resulting spill had occurred not in the Gulf of Mexico, but rather in Gotham Harbor?      

In the simple elegance of the question, an answer quickly asserted itself: Giant Scissors!      

It's Been 56 Days. What The Fuck, Right?

Having Something To Do Keeps BP Executives From Hanging Themselves: FOXNews.com – BP to Use Giant Shears to Cut Leaking Pipe.     

Smaktakula

Celebrating 40 Years Of Hallucinogens In Baseball

14 Monday Jun 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Baseball, Culture, Drug Culture, Drugs, General Foolishness, History, Mythology, People, Sports

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

acid, Baseball, Dock Ellis, dose, drugs, fry, hallucinogens, I can see through time, LSD, lycergic acid diethylamide. LSD not LDS which is something very different, no-hitter, Pittsburgh Pirates, San Diego Padres, substance abuse, trippin' balls, tripping, trips

By Smaktakula

On June 12th, 1970, Dock Ellis of the Pittsburgh Pirates somehow managed to pitch a no-hitter while tripping his balls off on LSD.       

As with any such feat, the success is not due to Ellis alone.  Without his teammates’ stellar defense, this achievement would have been a longshot at best.       

According to Ellis, much of the credit for the victory must be accorded to the baseball, which provided invaluable aid by telling the frying hurler which pitches to throw.       

"With This No-Hitter, My Plan Is At Last Coming To Fruition. You Know What Must Happen Next. BURN THEM, DOCK! BURN THEM ALL!"

  

Driving With Tommy Chong Not Necessarily A Death Sentence

14 Monday Jun 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Crime, Culture, Drug Culture, Drugs, General Foolishness, Human Rights

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

burnouts, cannabis, Cannabis Mafia, demon weed, doobage, doobie-digging drivers, dope, driving, driving under the influence, drugs, DUI, grass, hemp, Kiefer Sutherland, LA Daily, legalize it, lonely voice in the wilderness, pot, reefer, shadowy agenda, smoke, stoned drivers, stoners, sweet sweet cheeba, Tommy Chong, universal stonerdom, weed

Promethean Times has long been regarded as the last of the truth-tellers, a lonely voice in the wilderness trumpeting to all who will hear it the nefarious doings of the Cannabis Mafia, as well as its dangerous and irresponsible dream of universal stonerdom.    

Shockingly, new data indicate that these media-savvy burnouts have advanced their shadowy agenda further than even the most strident critics had believed possible.    

Sleeper operatives within the LA Daily organization have planted a news story designed take the edge off America’s very-justified fears about doobie-digging drivers.  This story, which relies upon a supposed “study” indicating that marijuana has a far-less pronounced effect on driving ability than previously believed, may lead America’s children into believing that stoned driving is “groovy.”    

AP File Photo: LA County School Bus Drivers

Promethean Times would like to remind you that driving under the influence of the demon weed is not a “gasser,” “hoot” or  “trip;” it is illegal.    

No Thanks, Hemp-Head–I’m Catching A Ride With Kiefer Sutherland: Driving Under The Influence Of Marijuana Not Such A Bad Thing – Los Angeles News – LA Daily.    

Smaktakula

Saudi Clerics Advocate Adult Breast-Feeding

10 Thursday Jun 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, Food, Health, Islam, Middle East, People, Relationships, Religion

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

adult breast-feeding, batshit crazy, dirty pillows, lactating, Milk Mullahs, mommy issues, Oedipus Rex, Saudi clerics, wacky mullahs, WTF?

Seriously, there isn’t a thing we could do or say that would make this any more batshit crazy.

Make Sure You’re Facing East When You Do It: Saudi Clerics Advocate Adult Breast-Feeding – AOL News.

Smaktakula 
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