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Category Archives: History

Al Qaeda: Surprisingly Sensitive

25 Tuesday Oct 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Crime, Culture, History, News, Politics

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

9/11, al Qaeda, anti-semitism, Axis of Evil, comical despots, George W. Bush, Holocaust, inside job, Iran, Israel, jealousy, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is batshit crazy, Pearl Harbor, places that suck, Saddam Hussein, Saddam totally did it, Smaktakula's distrust of short people, The Great Satan, Twin Towers, United States of America, Yakov Smirnoff

By Smaktakula

Ahmadinejad Resembles Comedian Yakov Smirnoff, But The Similarities End There: The Iranian President Is Actually Quite Funny.

Tiny nutjob Mahmoud Ahmadinejad can always be counted on to publicly propound a plethora of preposterous political theories and irresponsible historical revisionism.  Over the years, Iran’s pint-sized potentate has kept his many apologists busy explaining away such bellicose assertions as “Israel must be wiped off the map,” and tired claims that the Holocaust is a Jewish fiction. Ahmadinejad’s statements regarding the events of September 11th, 2001, the catalyst for the United States’ War on Terror, have left his defenders scrambling, and have unexpectedly invited criticism from within the Axis of Evil.

Like so many others before him, Ahmadinejad likes to make hay with the idea that the horrific events of September 11th, 2001 were an inside job.  This theory has gained some traction among the mouth-breathing element of the population, embarrassingly eager to believe George W. Bush the evil genius behind the sinister machinations.  Promethean Times has long asserted that the actual culprit behind the Twin Tower Attacks was the nefarious Saddam Hussein.

Sooner Or Later, Everything Turns Out To Be An Inside Job.

Jewish groups have long met with opprobrium Ahmadinejad’s anti-Semitic rants and repeated calls for the destruction of Israel, but now factions within the Islamofascist community have begun to chafe under Ahmadinejad’s comments.  It seems that the boys in al Qaeda–Ahmadinejad’s erstwhile allies in despising anything Western or fun–have a bone to pick with the pint-sized Persian.

The feared international terrorist organization has grown weary of Ahmadinejad’s constantly blaming the United States for the events of 9/11.  Al Qaeda wants to make it very clear, that they–and not a sinister cabal within the United States–planned and executed the tragedy.  Al Qaeda claims that the Iranian president–who most observers agree would piss himself to inflict upon the Great Satan just a tenth of what al Qaeda was able to achieve– is deliberately misattributing their historic actions to an internal American plot for no reason other than simple jealousy.

Let's Give Credit Where Credit Is Due.

Happy Columbus Day!

10 Monday Oct 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, History

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

Christopher Columbus, Columbus Day, death by smallpox, Native Americans, smallpox, there goes the neighborhood, true meanings of holidays, Were you still using that?

"Smallpox? Can't Say I've Heard Of It. So...When Are You Guys Heading Back, Anyway?"

Headlines 10.07.11

07 Friday Oct 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Crime, Culture, History, News, Politics

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

Africa, African famine, Ashton Kutcher, Barack Obama, Bill Clinton, Budweiser, butterface, death by drowning, debt crisis, Democrats, Europe, great white shark, headlines, hos, Indiana, living in a van down by the river, Matt Foley, Mississippi, online dating, perverts, pizza, Poltergeist, prostitution, Republicans, reset button, skunky beer, Somalia, South Korea, Tanzania, tapeworms, TV for idiots, Two and a Half Men, United States of America, vegans, Vermont, White House, you're welcome

By Smaktakula

Well, Bless Their Hearts.

In which we opine on the latest headlines, without bothering to first read the stories.

***

Seoul to Introduce Female-Only Subway Cars 

  • Korean perverts to introduce hidden cameras to female-only subway cars.

Early Adversity, Adult Misery: How Small Events Trigger Depression

  • It’s true–every whiny bitch was once a whiny little bitch.

Suspect arrested while trying to bail out ally 

  • There is honor among thieves, just no common sense.

Bill Clinton, on his 65th birthday, has gone vegan

  •  That’s a misprint.  Rather than ‘gone vegan’ it should read ‘done Meagan.’

Like You’d Do Any Differently In His Position.

Exposed coffins, destroyed homes in Vt. town

  • Sweet!  A Poltergeist remake.

Deportation policy angers bloggers

  • Yeah, but when you have no real friends and a surfeit of free time, you tend to get irritated pretty easily.

Tradition forces girls into prostitution 

  • “My momma was a ho, just like her momma before her.”

Why Do Republicans Love Pizza? 

  • The same reason everybody else loves pizza.

Beachgoers in Venice Rescue Stranded Great White Shark 

  • The freed predator wasted no time before devouring a surfer.

Europe’s debt could sink US

  •  This is hardly the first time Europe has rung up a bill the US was obliged to pay.

Avez-Vous Des Remerciements? Non? Ah, C’est La Vie.

Indiana State Fair stage collapse claims sixth victim 

  • Is that thing still on the loose?

Somalis Rip Aid Donors for ‘Failing’ Famine Victims 

  • If it bothers you so much, eat your own damn food.   . . .  Oh, right.  Sit tight, folks.

Online dating? Why no one wants you 

  • Don’t feel bad; attraction is a matter of personal preference, and is influenced by myriad subjective factors.  Remember, it’s not you who’s repellant, but rather your personality and physical appearance.

It’s Like Putting Fancy Rims On A ’78 Pacer.

President Obama goes for a reset on jobs 

  • Because neither ‘Do Over’ nor ‘We Take It Back‘ sounded quite right.

Ashton Kutcher’s second ‘Two and a Half Men’ episode: Do we still care?

  • That you ever did says a lot about you.

White House Future Is Now, Many Republicans Conclude

  •  No, by definition, now is the present and the future is yet to come.  And they say the Democrats can’t get their shit together.

Funk Legend Living In A Van 

  • The van’s funk is said to be legendary.

The Most Highly-Prized Locale For The Van-Dweller Is, Of Course, Down By The River.

Tanzania: Horror As 180 People Perish in Ferry Accident 

  • Dear God!  At times like this, when the soul reels in shock and disbelief, we must remember that . . . HOLD ON!  Forget about that–Our affiliate in Tuscaloosa is reporting that a cute white girl has gone missing!

Why I Don’t Drink Budweiser…and Why I’m Not Alone

  • Because fermented goat semen just doesn’t taste that hot.

How Did the Robot End Up With My Job? 

  • For starters, the LaborTron3K doesn’t come to work hung over, steal paperclips or grope the copy boy.  Plus, you’re ugly.

How this strange African fruit is making Americans skinny.

  • The secret is tapeworms.

Proper Sanitation And Hygiene Save Lives.

See Also:

  • Promethean Times Responds To The Headlines
  • Headlines II
  • Headlines III
  • Headlines IV
  • Headlines V
  • Headlines VI
  • Headlines VII
  • Headlines VIII

New Evidence Reveals OJ Simpson’s Innocence In 1994 Double-Homicide

27 Tuesday Sep 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, Crime, History, News

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

California, death by OJ, dingoes ate my baby!, Hertz, Johnnie Cochran, Juice, Los Angeles, Lovelock Correctional Center, Nevada, Nicole Brown Simpson, OJ Simpson, Orenthal James Simpson, patsies, Ron Goldman, the Juice is loose!, unpunished

By Smaktakula

We'll Be Damned. Maybe Johnnie Cochran Was On To Something.

Los Angeles, California: New evidence released this week by the LA County Prosecutor’s office purports to show that presumed murderer Orenthal James Simpson is innocent of the allegations which have long clouded his name.  A patsy in a sports-memorabilia sting, the former Hertz pitchman currently languishes in the Lovelock Correctional Center in Nevada for the crime of getting away with the murder of ex-wife Nicole Brown Simpson and Ron Goldman, the latter who might have been Brown Simpson’s lover, or possibly just in the wrong place at the wrong time.  It now appears that for the last seventeen years, the authorities have been actively seeking to frame an innocent man.

By The Time You See This, It's Already Too Late.

The news of Simpson’s innocence in the Brown-Goldman slayings poses a problem, say legal scholars.  Since Simpson’s most recent conviction was in large part–if not entirely–for getting away with the 1994 murder, it remains to be seen if Nevada courts will reconsider their ridiculous decision to punish the Juice for “stealing” his own memorabilia.

This Image Beautifully Captures The Juice's Humanity And Vulnerability In The Lovelock Showers.

Sadly, the news of OJ’s innocence is nothing more than a Promethean Times fiction–what those with less-charitable dispositions might call ‘lies.’  He’s guilty as hell, people.  You know that, right?

Much Like An Actual Dingo, OJ Will Eat Your Baby.

True Facts: Trees

22 Thursday Sep 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in History, Stupidity

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

Africa, Asia, Christopher Columbus, Europe, flora, India, New World, North America, outright lies, Rock & Roll, South America, trees, true facts, vegetation, Were you still using that?

By Smaktakula

Much like Rock & Roll or the armadillo, all terrestrial plant life originated in the Americas.  Prior to Columbus’ journey to the New World in 1492, the known world–Asia, Africa and Europe–was a vast, lifeless desert dotted here and there with huts made from goat-dung.  Although much of the world has now been overrun by invasive vegetation, dusty outposts like Algeria still cling to an older way of life, barren and unforgiving, just as God intended it.

The Great Explorer Was Astounded To Find That The Denizens Of India Require Not Oxygen, But Rather Carbon Dioxide For Respiration.

True Facts: To Be Danish Is To Dip

08 Thursday Sep 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, History, Stupidity

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

chaw, chew, Copenhagen, Danes, Denmark, dip, don't hate us because we're ignorant, filthy habits, hillbillies, methamphetamine, Mike's Hard Lemonade, outright lies, Scandinavians do enjoy a tobacco product called 'Snus', Silkeborg, Skål, Skoal, smokeless tobacco, snuff, you got a real purty mouth

By Smaktakula

Denmark Is Known As "The Land Of The Rotten Jaw."

Most people associate smokeless tobacco, or ‘dip,’ with inbred American hillbillies.  While it is true that dip competes with methamphetamine and Mike’s Hard Lemonade for dominance in the American yokel market, it is even more beloved in other parts of the world.

Danes in particular love their chaw.  During the annual Spittelfjest, happy blond couples walk hand in hand along the saliva-slick cobblestones of Silkeborg, their lower lips pouched, brimming ‘bacco sluices.

The Danes’ ancient affinity for snuff remains evident to this day.  Not only did former viking raiders choose “Copenhagen’ as the name of their capital city, but the country’s most common toast is “Skål.”

It's True--Kiss A Dane And You Get A Little Bit Of A Contact Buzz.

Happy Memorial Day Or Labor Day Or Whatever It Is

05 Monday Sep 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, History, News, Stupidity

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

Buy stuff!, Labor Day, Memorial Day, true meanings of holidays, we're work-shy

By Smaktakula

A day set aside to honor America’s fallen warriors or her tireless and honest workers–we have a real hard time remembering which, as we have never been  either a solider or gainfully employed for more than a three-month stretch.

Show your friends, co-workers and even total strangers that you haven’t forgotten by making a purchase in one of our many fine retail outlets.

Somehow This Image Sums Up Beautifully Everything We Had To Say. Don't Ever Change, America!

Things We Think About: Time Travel (Again)

01 Thursday Sep 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in History, Science

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

academicians, dick in a box, hussies, KISS, musicians, one-hit wonders, professors, promiscuity, rock stars, skanks, tenure, Things we think about, time travel

By Smaktakula

A Professor Can Expect Impressionable Students To Laugh At His Jokes, Even If They've Heard "Dick-In-A-Box" Before.

Promethean Times has previously weighed in on some hitherto unexplored aspects of time-travel theory, but the highly theoretical field remains open to examination.  For example, another cool thing to do with a time-travel machine would be to go back in time to the mid-to-late Sixties and adopt the identity of a hip, young college professor.   The high incidence of naive but recently-sexually-liberated coeds away from home for the first time would provide virtually unlimited carnal possibilities.

Every One A Wanton Hussy.

An inexpert analysis of the scenario might create the erroneous impression that these time-shattering endeavors would be more fruitfully spent as a rock star.  True, musicians on the whole pull a higher quantity of ass than do academicians, but a professor can expect a staggering 45% less skank from his slightly smaller take.  Plus, an educator’s career can last for decades.  There’s no tenure for a one-hit wonder.

We Wouldn't Brag About This One, Guys.

The Lord Not Quite Ready To Forgive Germany

08 Monday Aug 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, History, News

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

1972, anti-Kraut, anti-semitism, Belgium, dead German tourists, Final Solution, Florida, for reals we love the Germans, Germany, Germany's dark history, God, God hates the Germans, Holocaust, Jews, Krauts, Miami, Munich Olympics, the Almighty, United States of America

By Smaktakula

It's As If Suddenly God's Favor And Goodwill Went Up In A Cloud Of Smoke.

Back in the early 1990s, it seemed like German tourists in America couldn’t catch a break.  It’s hard to forget the spate of Miami slayings that had America’s German community on edge, and which prompted this publication to propose as a final solution to the crisis the immediate round-up of German nationals so that they could be sequestered for their own protection, and thereby gain a sort of freedom from their troubles through work.  Promethean Times’ calls went unheeded, and eventually the killings died down on their own.

It Can't Have Helped That God Was Watching The 1972 Olympics.

Although a hiatus in the killings was a relief to the governments of both the United States and Germany, the détente apparently proved a provocation for God Almighty.  It seems that Jehovah has recently chosen to singlehandedly renew the anti-Kraut campaign, smiting a German tourist with a bolt of lightning.

German Prices May Be Behind The Almighty's Wrath. According To One Witness, God Said Something About Germany Being "Hella Costy."

German advocacy groups were joined by religious leaders in expressing surprise and dismay at God’s decision to escalate hostilities.  It remains unclear just what the German people could have done that was so heinous as to earn the righteous and implacable enmity of the Lord of Lords.

…

Really?  You think He’s still mad about that?

Look, You Know He Has A Thing For Them.

Happy now, Belgium? ∞T.

Could You Be An Asshole? Holy War

03 Wednesday Aug 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in History, Politics, Religion, Stupidity

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

affecting intelligence, American Civil War, American Revolution, anti-semitism, Chinese Revolution, conflict, Could you be an asshole?, Crimean War, don't be an idiot, Franco-Prussian War, French Revolution, glasses, Gulf War, holy war, Italo-Abyssinian War, Nazis, New York Times, NPR, people who want to sound smart but aren't, Russo-Japanese War, Soviet Revolution, The Indian Wars, Vietnam Conflict, war, War of 1812, wars of religion, Why am I so stupid?, World War I, World War II

By Smaktakula

"Verily, Brethren, I Say Unto Thee That It Pleaseth The Lord That We Smite These Fuckers Royally."

It’s not a crime to want to seem more intelligent than you really are.  There are a great many ways to affect this which are not only effective but also appropriate, such as wearing glasses, carrying an NPR tote bag or bringing up the New York Times more than once in a polite conversation.

Just as there are appropriate ways to feign intelligence, so also are there inappropriate ways.  Chief among these are statements designed to sound intelligent to other idiots, but break down under a smidgen of scrutiny.  One such canard is the oft-heard assertion that “all wars are fought over religion.”

The Almighty Wants No Part Of This.

It is absolutely true that religion is the cause of all armed conflicts, with a few notable exceptions: World War I, World War II, the Vietnam Conflict, the Soviet Revolution, the French Revolution, the Indian Wars, the Chinese Revolution, the Russo-Japanese War, the War of 1812, the Gulf War, the American Civil War, the Italo-Abyssinian War, the Cuban Revolution, the Korean Conflict, Sino-Vietnamese War, the Franco-Prussian War, the American Revolution, the Crimean War, and far, far, far too many others to name.

Not Only Did These Evil Fuck-Monkeys Wage A Decidedly Unholy War, But They Took It To God's Chosen People.

The so-called ‘Jesus Wars’ of the early 1970s were not at all religious in nature, but rather a series of bloody turf-battles between Los Angeles gang leaders. ∞T.
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